The Perfect Place to Cry

I had never known a heavier silence than this one. It reminded me of the silence that would linger in my house when I was a child in the aftermath of every one of my parents' fights.

I hadn't said his name yet. I had been searching for him all night, before everything went to shit. It turns out there is a difference between wanting to talk to someone and then… actually doing the talking. I wasn't quite at the forming word part yet.

Zach had also turned the music off as soon as the car started. It seemed that he wanted it to be as awkward as possible, but at the same time this pain distracted me in my chest. A pain of betrayal that Austen had left behind.

I had been nothing to him.

I actually believed that a guy like him could be satisfied with just me.

I was wrong.

He was wrong too if he believed he cared about me. You don't cheat on someone you care about.

If I hadn't asked Austen if he loved me would things be different now? Was it my fault? It felt like there had been something real between us, but I pushed too hard.

Everything happened so fast. Looking back it was all a blur at the moment. All I could see was his lips on hers.

I had gone outside looking for Zach, but had found heartbreak instead. Had Liana sent me out there on purpose? She said Zach was outside, but he had been nowhere to be seen and Austen had been the biggest eyesore there was. She wanted to see me in ruins.

I sniffled.

Well her wish finally came true.

I couldn't stop the tears as they started falling again and I tried to keep them quiet and discrete so Zach wouldn't notice.

It was futile. I mean I was only about two feet away from him in a silence-heavy car. He could probably hear a pin drop let alone my obnoxious crying.

It was embarrassing for both of us I'm sure. Zach didn't seem like the type who was very good with people who cry and on top of that he was a guy so that probably made it even harder on him.

Then there was the fact that he probably hated me now. Even after he had told me how he felt I had been a selfish cow. Not apologizing for my actions and lying to him.

I was a horrible person.

No wonder I wasn't good enough for Austen.

The thought only made my tears fall harder.

"Cammie?"

I thought I was imagining it at first, but then I heard my name again.

"Cammie? Are you, are you okay?"

I tried to steady my breathing enough to respond to him, but the fact he was checking on made me even more emotional. I mean most people cry harder when someone asks if they're okay while crying. Clearly I was not an exception.

There were no words I could say.

Speechless.

That's what I was.

"I- I-"

Great now I'm stuttering.

He didn't cut in or say anything else. Zach let me gather myself, driving carefully.

"I'm sorry-y."

And I meant it. God I fucking meant it this time. I was sorry for everything.

It was pathetic.

"I kind of overheard some of your conversation with John."

That wasn't what I was expecting.

"You did?" I watched him nod in confirmation. I didn't know if I was mortified he knew and had overheard John teasing me about it, or relieved that I didn't have to tell him.

"I was just so stupid. Everyone-one told me he was using me, but I thought-" I shook my head "I don't know what I thought. It was clearly delusional of me to think that I could mean that much so someone."

"Are you blind Cammie?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean when was the last time you looked in the mirror? Because I see a girl who is amazing and talented and sweet. Where is the girl I met, the girl who cared about me beyond being some Internet sensation? Where is Jenny Stewart? I know she's in there somewhere."

"Zach you don't understand-"

"No I do understand. You're the one who doesn't understand Cammie. Austen is an ass. He can't see past the end of his nose at what he had right in front of him and he lost you because of it. That's not your fault. You can't blame yourselves for other's mistakes."

His words left me frozen. I wasn't sure what to say. Suddenly he sighed and began to slow down the car, but we weren't near my house yet.

"What are you doing?"

"It's not safe for me to drive with all this emotion." He mumbled though I barely heard him.

Our last conversation began replying in my head. He was right, so right about everything. I had lied to him. There was no escaping it and I couldn't believe I had been so blind. I was not someone who was confronted often. All my life I've never had more than two or three friends. Lizzie had always been the one I turned to and therefore I rarely had to deal with confrontations. Besides recently Liz and I had only ever had mild arguments. Kind of like how siblings argue. Growing up with parents who were constantly yelling made me fear any kind of argument and I think I usually did everything I could to avoid being in one myself. Even going as far as to let people walk all over me or put myself second. And in doing so I made myself a nobody and I let myself think that was all anyone ever saw me as.

But now, now I had more friends, more people to consider than myself, who's feelings I could hurt. I had handled things so badly. With Zach. With Liz.

But Zach, Zach called me out on my bullshit. Saw me for what I was, or based on his latest speech just now he saw me for even better than that. Even after all that I did to him he still saw me as a good person and how could I ever live up to that?

He wanted to know where Jenny Stewart was, but she had been a lie anyway. What if he was wrong and that girl didn't exist?

He put the car in park on the side of the road and unbuckled his seatbelt so he could turn to look at me.

I was awe struck by his handsome features and the honest expression on his face. I had first seen him through a computer screen, but it didn't do him justice. All those people out there, his fans who thought they knew him. They were wrong. I had been wrong to treat him like some fictional character that I could or couldn't claim. He was a real breathing person and only as I have gotten to know him has he become someone who really means something to me. A camera could never capture the person underneath. Green eyes don't define him and I had been so blinded, so star struck that I hadn't paused to realize that the real Zach was standing in front of me and I was hurting him.

He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. I didn't deserve anything else he had to say. At least not before I gave him the sincere apology that he warranted.

"Zach, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I need you to know that. I never meant to hurt you. You were right when you said I was trying to make light of things and it was because I felt so bad about what I did that I was trying to not just justify it to you, but also to myself. I really mean it this time though. I'm sorry. Please, I want you to know that."
I let out a deep breath and bit my lip.

What if he rejected it?

What if he didn't believe me?

He had every right not to. I hadn't be the most honest person, but I really wanted him to know this.

He said nothing for a moment. His eyes studying me carefully, he was thinking about something, but I couldn't tell what.

"Grant told me you were looking for me at the party."

Well.

That was not what I was expecting. I nodded.

"I- um, yeah I was. Before I… Liana told me she saw you outside. I was trying to find you when I saw Austen-" I sniffled as I felt new tears forming. He reached out and took my hands in his.

"Cammie, he doesn't deserve you." I shook my head to argue, but he didn't let me "Yes. It's true. If I can see that, despite everything, then he should be able to as well." Zach's tone was firm and he was looking at me with such sincerity.

He hadn't said anything about my apology though. I couldn't tell if was a good or bad thing. Did it mean he didn't forgive me? Then again, his words were so caring how could he hate me and say these things?

"Thank you, Zach. I- I know I haven't been the best friend recently… or most of the time I've known you…"

He sighed and let go of my hands so he could look out his window. At the loss of the warmth I felt my heart wilt just a little bit more. It was probably to do with how I was already feeling down. His silence was also agonizing.

"Everyone makes mistakes Cammie. Myself included." He looked back at me, green eyes shimmering with reflected headlights. I swallowed. "I forgive you. Though I do feel like I should say that even though you hurt me with your… well with emitting the truth," He raised an eyebrow as I gave a small sheepish smile since he was putting it delicately, "it was the fact that even after you never said you were sorry."

"I know." It was my turn to take his hands now, "I know and I was so wrong, Zach. I was dishonest with you and with myself. I didn't want to tell you about Austen and I because- well because I thought it would change things between us."

I watched, as his eyes grew hopeful. He squeezed my hands tighter and tenderly and my heart soared uncontrollably. I couldn't explain it, but then I thought of Austen and stung again.

"Cammie this might be a bad time, but I want you to know I still like-"

"No Zach. Please."

My heart was racing and my eyes burning with eyes again.

I already knew I had hurt him and I had artfully blocked out the part of our previous conversation where he said he liked me.

In all honesty I couldn't think about it. It made my chest ache with something odd and somewhat painful. I even felt a little sick.

And now, paired with what had happened with Austen. I definitely couldn't think about it. If Austen couldn't care about me enough when I had known him for years how could I believe Zach would be any better.

"Let me finish." He said, and shot me a stern little look that had my biting my tongue "Let me finish."

The boy took a deep breath and closed his eyes as though trying to dig up courage from his bones.

"I like you and I'm not trying to force my feelings on you. I know now isn't the best time for you to hear it, but it's how I feel. Maybe that's me being selfish, but I have to get it off my chest and I can't go into another friendship with you without you knowing. It didn't end well last time."

He offered a small smile that softened the guilt I felt at his words.

"I just want you to be happy. I'll wait. I'll wait however long you need, but I'm not going anywhere. Even if all you ever want is friendship I'll be by your side."

What had I done to deserve someone so genuine?

"I don't know what to say." I managed to get out and then I winced because I didn't mean to sound callus. I simply was so overwhelmed by Zach's kindness that I had no idea how to match it.

It's not every day that someone says they're willing to wait for you indefinitely. Or even put aside their own emotions to be whatever you need them to be.

I swallowed and tried to some semblance of speech.

"I don't deserve your friendship after all I've done. You're the least selfish person I know and I want you in my life. I'm… I don't what I'm feeling. My emotions have been all over the place recently-"

When he shook his head I got scared and stopped talking.

Did I do something wrong again?

"It's okay, Cammie. I don't need an answer right now. Are you feeling a little better though?"

My heart warmed.

I gently nodded my head. He smiled at me and I offered one to him in return.

"Let me get you home like I promised I would."

Zach put his seatbelt back on and we drove back in a silence unlike before.

A silence that was beautiful and warm.

And I realized what it really was I was feeling.

Hope.

Hope that as shitty as I felt.

As broken as my heart was.

That I wouldn't always feel that way.

And maybe when I picked myself up, Zach would still be there.

Hopefully.

A/N- Um… hello? Anyone there?

I know this is a really short chapter, but I honestly don't have time to write 3,000-5,000 word chapters anyone haha

I have to save that for college papers!

This story is definitely winding down and we're almost done. I can't believe I've been writing ' D' since 2015. What a crazy and beautiful ride it has been.

I wouldn't have gotten this far with writing if it wasn't for FanFiction and the amazing support I've had on here from all my readers.

I love you all!

~lovewords