Gifts From the Sea, a Batman fanfic by Raberba girl
Batfam Bingo 2019: AU: Zoo
Chapter 44 - Reconciliation (part 1) [rough draft 2]
A/N: Warning for various suicide-related triggers. (No one dies, though.)
o.o.o
NOW:
Bruce had no idea how long he'd been curled up in the dark, watching Tim play with dominoes by the illumination of a flashlight, when there was a sudden pounding on the door of his room. "What?" he called dully.
The door banged open. "How long are you going to be in here?" Raptor demanded.
Bruce sighed. "I don't know." He winced when the lights snapped on. Tim hissed and put on his sunglasses. "Ow, Raptor."
"Why were you sitting in the dark?" the boy demanded.
"Because it's depressing and I don't want to be happy right now," Bruce snapped.
Raptor looked disconcerted. "What?"
Bruce remembered that he was only a little boy. "I'm...I'm just- overwhelmed. The darkness helps. It's...calming." More 'comfortably oppressive' than 'calming,' but Raptor didn't need to know that.
The child peered at him suspiciously. "Are you displeased?"
Bruce would have rolled his eyes if he'd had the energy. "Yes," he said simply.
"Richard and Jason made you angry."
"No...I made them angry."
Raptor didn't seem to know what to make of this. "Was that a joke?" he asked warily.
"No, Raptor, it wasn't a joke," Bruce said, starting to get exasperated. "Did you need something, Raptor? I'm...busy."
"You don't look busy."
"I'm tired," Bruce snapped, then instantly regretted it when he saw the look on the child's face.
"Very well," Raptor said stiffly. "Forgive me for disturbing you." He started to close the door.
"Wait- Raptor, wait." How many times would Bruce have to hurt children before he learned how to control himself when he was upset? "I'm sorry. I'm...I'm angry at myself, I'm upset for completely unrelated reasons but I took it out on you. That was wrong, and I'm sorry."
Raptor stared at him.
"Sometimes adults make mistakes," Bruce said. "And when they do, the right thing for them to do is apologize. I apologize for yelling at you just because I'm in a bad mood. You didn't do anything wrong."
Raptor fidgeted. "Is there anything you wish for me to do?"
"I...just- Have you eaten?" Bruce asked, wondering if he could get rid of Raptor gently by pointing him in the direction of food.
"Yes."
Well, so much for that plan.
"You missed lunch," Raptor said.
"It's fine. I'm not hungry." Tim had already eaten from the aquarium Bruce kept in the room for him, so he was fine, too.
"You should eat anyway. You must keep up your strength."
Bruce nearly snorted. "For what?" he muttered, caught between amusement and bitterness. "What's the point..."
"That's why you're tired, because you haven't eaten. Come, Wayne!"
The boy was very insistent, and Bruce finally dragged himself to his feet. Tim didn't want to ride in the suitcase for once, so Bruce draped a damp, oily blanket over him and carried him on his back, the mer's little arms around his neck and tentacles around his waist.
"That creature is disgusting," Raptor complained as they walked. "How can you stand all that mess?"
Bruce glanced down at his own stained clothes. Honestly, he barely noticed anymore. "Tim needs to stay hydrated to be healthy, and since he puts my emotional comfort higher than his own physical needs, it's the least I can do to make up for the deficiencies as best I can."
Raptor stopped walking and stared at him.
"What is it?" Bruce finally asked.
"...You care about that creature even though he's so weak and unappealing."
"I love him. He's...the only son I have left."
Raptor swallowed and fidgeted for a moment. Then he suddenly drew himself to his full height (which was more cute than impressive) and declared, "If you're really not hungry, Wayne, then come to the roof. I'll show you something really worthwhile."
Bruce repressed a sigh and trudged after the boy. Unfortunately, they didn't make it far before one of Tim's spare tentacles started drawing Raptor's knife out of its sheath. Raptor slapped the limb away and shouted, "Don't touch my weapons, mer! Don't touch any of my things!"
Tentacles started vengefully pulling at every bit of Raptor they could get hold of. The boy shrieked in outrage and Bruce caught his hands before they could complete whatever violent thing they'd been about to do. "Don't hurt him, Raptor," Bruce said sharply.
Raptor opened his mouth to answer, then sputtered when his hood was draped over his face. He pushed it back and yanked out of Tim's hold, backing up several steps. Tim leaned farther over Bruce's shoulder, resettling his tentacles for balance, and signed, "Go away. I don't like you."
"Tim!" Bruce said in exasperation. "Be nice. He didn't like you touching him and his things, and you need to respect his wishes."
"He insulted me?!" Raptor sputtered.
"You did insult him first..."
Somehow, Bruce's attempts to de-escalate the situation only seemed to make things worse. By the time some of the other Titans had been attracted by the commotion, Raptor was shouting and waving his knife around as Tim stretched over Bruce's shoulder and hissed, his mouth dripping with venom. Bruce was struggling to keep the flow of venom away from his own body, hampered by the mer's still-clinging tentacles.
"What is happening here?" Donna demanded.
"THAT LITTLE USURPER THINKS TO CHALLENGE ME, THE HEIR OF THE DEMON'S HEAD!"
"Someone help," Bruce pleaded, bracing against Tim's shoulders.
Victor took hold of the little mer. "Come on, buddy, I'm gonna teach you how to play basketball." It took a lot of patient coaxing, but Victor finally managed to detach Tim and take him away. Raptor calmed down quickly once the other boy was out of sight, and the Titans drifted back to whatever they'd been doing.
Bruce, feeling more tired than ever, followed Raptor until they reached their destination. The boy stood near the edge of the roof and whistled, and after a long moment, Goliath arrived, landing heavily and licking his young companion. "Decorum, Goliath!" the boy scolded, though he didn't looked displeased. He turned to Bruce. "I have been practicing. The skills can be useful in battle."
Bruce didn't know what to expect. He watched in bemusement as Raptor hopped onto the dragon and took off, but it soon became clear.
Goliath circled the Tower in wide arcs calmly at first. Raptor proceeded to execute a series of athletic moves and combat forms, making his way from one end of the animal's back to the other.
Then the dragon began more complex flight patterns, and the boy's moves grew more impressive to match. Raptor danced across his companion's wings and arms, swung off his tail, and started dropping off and flipping before he was caught. Some of the moves were familiar enough that Bruce realized he must have learned them from Dick. Every time he thought Raptor had reached peak impressiveness, the boy upped his skill level yet again, leaving Bruce breathless in awe.
It was beautiful. The fighting moves were not only efficient, but graceful as well. Other moves were pure artistry. Some might have felt like the boy was just showing off, but Bruce found tears running down his face at one point because Raptor was just...so incredible, he couldn't stand it. The boy was brimming with life and talent, yet somehow he had ended up unwanted and alone except for this group of outcasts, these Lost Boys who'd banded together because they hadn't felt like there was any other place for them.
Raptor was precious. All these children were precious, and Bruce suddenly didn't know what he was doing here, a failed father of three intruding on their territory just to bring them more pain.
Raptor flipped down to the roof with a flourish and then practically posed, waiting to be praised. "That was amazing," Bruce offered. The words felt inadequate, but it was all he could manage out loud.
"You are pleased?"
"Yes, Raptor, very much."
"Excellent. Now I will demonstrate-" The boy was interrupted by a beeping sound. He pulled a device out of his pocket, then grinned gleefully as he consulted it. "There has been an altercation in town," he announced. "I will take care of it and be back soon to finish." He hopped back onto Goliath and took off again. Bruce was relieved when Donna came hurrying onto the roof a minute later and glided after him. Capable as Raptor was, Bruce didn't want the boy to fight without backup.
It took Bruce a moment to realize that he was now completely alone on the roof. He stood there for a while and listened to the wind and the waves. It was both peaceful and lonely. Although he felt like he'd been alone since he lost Jason, he suddenly realized that this was the first time he'd been truly alone in quite a while. There was no Tim playing nearby, and it occurred to him that he felt a bit like a child who suddenly had no supervision. Like...like he could do anything and get away with it.
Not that there was anything he particularly wanted to do. Just... If he did, there was no one to catch him, or look at him disapprovingly or get in his way or do the nonverbal equivalent of yell at him. He was free, sort of.
Maybe 'free' was the wrong word. He was...unanchored. If he wanted to just...drift away, lose himself in the sound of the uncaring ocean, there was no one to stop him.
Close to the edge of the roof now, he looked down at the restless water. He thought of his children swimming in it, unencumbered by their suffering, the way they'd been meant to be. Dick, shining and beautiful, dancing in his natural element. Jason, strong and unafraid. Tim, full of curiosity and wonder.
They'd all been dealt a poor hand in this life, they were painful shadows of what they could have been. They were so hurt and angry, so rightfully resentful about all the ways Bruce had failed them. If he'd just been a better person, stronger and more self-controlled, smarter, better able to recognize what they'd needed from him instead of selfishly focusing on what they did for him... If he'd just- not screwed up. Or at least not failed so many times. Maybe he wouldn't be dealing with this now, their hatred and rejection as they rightfully blamed him for ruining their lives.
They would have been better off without him. Or...it wasn't that they would have been better off, but he'd finished serving his purpose in their lives. Dick was free and safe, Jason had a home, Tim had a family. They had people to look after them now and watch their backs, to love them the way Bruce couldn't. The only thing he had left to offer them was more pain.
He realized he was sitting on the edge of the roof now, leaning forward, his grip the only thing keeping him from losing his balance. The Tower was six stories high, enough to kill him.
Or...enough to kill him if he fell onto solid ground. The water made things more complicated, and he spent some time idly calculating, wondering if he could manage the fall in such a way that his death would be quick and clean. It would be a lot more unpleasant to die by drowning with broken limbs than by instantly splatting.
It occurred to him uneasily that it probably wasn't healthy to be seriously planning his own death. People...went to therapy for that. But...it wasn't like anyone would miss him if he left.
...His parents might. Alfred. Though he saw them so rarely now, maybe they were used to him being gone. Maybe him dying wouldn't really change much. Obviously they'd be sad, but there was no way it would actually impact their day-to-day life. Bruce didn't impact anyone's daily life anymore except for-
"Uh...Bruce? You okay there, buddy?"
Bruce looked over to see Wally staring at him, face paler than usual. "I'm fine," he said automatically.
The speedster's eyes moved to the edge of the roof where Bruce was perched, where his hands were gripping. Those hands were the only things currently separating him from death. He wondered uneasily if the boy might try to catch him if he fell. Wally was superhumanly fast, but he had normal strength. He'd be pulled over the edge if he grabbed Bruce. Maybe Bruce could throw him back onto the roof. The timing would be tricky.
"Bruce," Wally whispered. "Are you - trying to kill yourself?"
Hearing the words out loud was a jolt. Bruce's arms started to tremble, and it was suddenly hard to breathe. He couldn't move. Even when he tried, he could neither lean back to safety nor tip himself the rest of the way forward. "I- I n-need Tim," he managed to gasp. "I need...Tim...!"
Wally was already gone. The next minute he was back, holding an octo-mer who flailed wildly for a minute before his eyes met Bruce's.
Tim went perfectly still for a moment. Then he gestured violently with his arms in an unknown mer sign, his tentacles forming something similar to a threat display, and then he started straining to get out of Wally's arms.
The idea of the mer's soft flesh scraping against the surface of the roof broke the spell, and Bruce nearly fell as he struggled to haul himself to safer ground. His arms felt numb and weak, and shook when he tried to put them around his son. Tim clung to him painfully tight with tentacles and signed aggressively, this time in ASL, "NO! NO! I hate you!"
"I know," Bruce whispered. All his children hated him. Everyone hated him.
"Do not die! I'm angry!"
"I'm...just...tired, Tim...I'm so tired..."
"What the hell, Bruce!"
Bruce looked up to find Jason on the roof, looking wild and horrified, and Dick on Speedy's back looking upset. Wally, Garth, and Victor hovered, clearly worried, and Raven was clutching her head, bent over in pain as Kori and Garfield tried to help her.
"I..."
"Wally said you almost jumped off the fucking roof!"
"What do you even care!"
"FUCK YOU, B, YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST-!"
Jason was mad at him again. Jason hated him. Bruce couldn't stand it anymore; he shoved past the kids to get to the stairs, because he couldn't jump with Tim clinging to him. He could barely see as he plunged down corridors, he had to get out; there was no place here for him, he was an intruder doing more harm than good. Not doing any good. He had to get to the yacht, if he sailed around long enough maybe he could jump overboard during the next storm, then Tim wouldn't be bogged down anymore, he'd be all right in the ocean where he belonged-
Something caught him. "Sorry," Garfield said, dragging Bruce back the way he'd come with literal gorilla arms. "Raven's orders." He pushed them into Bruce's office-room.
Bruce immediately slammed and locked the door. He'd hide out here until they were all preoccupied and then escape to the yacht.
The door opened again. Since it had been locked, this meant that considerable force had been applied and most of the hinges had not survived. Kori blinked in surprise, looked up at her accidental handiwork, then back down again. She pushed a yelling Jason into the room and stepped back.
Raven, crying, passed by her, both arms wrapped around Dick's chest. He looked wide-eyed and subdued as he was dragged over and deposited on Bruce's bed.
Raven looked around at them all. "It's breaking," she gasped out. "If you don't mend this now, I don't know if you'll ever be able to." She turned away and staggered out, shutting the door behind her. It sagged diagonally from its surviving hinges and the Waynes were left alone, none of them meeting each other's eyes.
TBC
