Gifts From the Sea, a Batman fanfic by Raberba girl

Batfam Bingo 2019: AU: Zoo

Chapter 44 - Reconciliation (part 2) [rough draft 2]

Jason suddenly sucked in a breath and opened his mouth, his entire body tense with anger.

"Jason, please don't yell at me. Please. I can't...take it right now."

Jason stared at him. Bruce shut his eyes and started a breathing exercise and tried very hard to focus on the sensation of Tim in his arms.

He didn't have any right to tell Jason how to behave. He couldn't escape. All he could do was control his own reactions.

He just had to stay still and take it. Just breathe, and let it slide off him like rain falling from a roof. He opened his eyes and looked at Jason, who was still staring at him. "Never mind. I apologize. You can yell at me if you want to."

Jason kept staring, and didn't say anything.

Dick was staring at him, too. One of the tears that was filling his eyes spilled over, and then they were all spilling over. "Dickie," Bruce whispered, reaching out a hand, but he didn't dare touch.

"I don't understand," Dick signed.

"I have...not been doing well...since Jason d-" He swallowed and glanced back at Jason, then at the carpet. "She told me you were dead. Sheila. I was stupid enough to believe her, and I just...fell apart. I hurt Dick." He looked at his eldest. "I'm sorry. I should never have-"

He covered his mouth with his hand and stared at the wall until he could speak without his voice breaking. "I don't do well on my own," he realized. "I can't handle losing people." 'I lash out and make it worse, and...I need someone to rein me in.'

"Were you really gonna jump?" Jason suddenly asked.

Bruce couldn't meet his eyes, but he tried to look in the general vicinity of his face. "I think...I'm...sick."

Jason burst into a string of profanity and started kicking a chair around. Tim shrank back from the violence, hiding entirely inside Bruce's shirt. Bruce wanted to tell Jason to stop, that he was scaring Tim, but he was terrified that trying to hinder Jason in any way might draw that anger toward himself or, worse, Tim. 'It's okay,' he told himself. Jason might not like Tim, but he would never physically hurt him.

Dick yanked at Bruce's clothes and signed, "Explain! Everyone's angry!"

"I...I was very upset when I lost Jason. And I know I'm the fool who chased you away, Dick, but I was really upset when I lost you, too. I feel so angry and sad and hurt all the time, all the time, sometimes it hurts so much I...don't...want to be alive anymore. I don't want to feel it anymore. And sometimes...like when I was on the roof today...it's very tempting to just give in. To feeling like I don't want to be alive."

Dick was staring at him hard. "You're alive," he signed hesitantly.

It wasn't fair to talk around it when Dick didn't always fully comprehend English. "I want to be dead," Bruce signed bluntly. "Sometimes I want to be dead so I'll stop hurting."

Dick looked shocked. Then his expression slowly shifted into something hurt and hard and closed. "I stayed alive for you. Years, I stayed alive. But you don't want to stay alive for me."

It took Bruce a minute to understand. Then he was horrified and scrambled clumsily to grab Dick, to hold him tight, feeling Tim slip away as he did so. "You never- Why didn't you say anything?!"

Dick didn't answer, just closed his eyes and leaned into his father's embrace.

Jason stomped back over. "So, what, it's my fault you wanted to off yourself?!" he yelled, picking up where he'd left off.

"No, Jay! It's me, I'm the one with the problem, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm the one who failed you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jay, I wish they'd taken me instead of you."

Jason swallowed. "They said...they'd bring you to me if I wanted. I didn't-" He fought to keep speaking past the obvious lump in his throat. "I didn't want you to be trapped there, too. I didn't want- It was horrible. I didn't want them to hurt you and Dick, too."

"...Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," Jason snapped. He threw himself down and watched Dick cry for a while. Then he sighed. "You suck. You're a horrible dad."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Jason suddenly looked worried. "You're not gonna try to kill yourself again just because I said that, right? I didn't mean- I mean, I did mean it, but I don't wanna say it if you're gonna- What's wrong with you, anyway?! Other people don't jump off roofs just because their kids say they hate them! All kids say they hate their dads! And you're not even my dad, you're just-! You never adopted me! So you're not! But- Just- Don't jump off the fucking roof, Bruce! Just don't!"

Bruce watched him panicking, feeling sad and affectionate and too tired to even try to parent. "I love you," he told Jason softly.

Jason stared at him. Then he started to cry. Because apparently Bruce couldn't do anything without making his kids cry.

He sighed and leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes, hugging Dick and feeling the mer's tears soak his shirt.

"What the hell's that?" Jason finally sobbed.

"What's what, Jay?" Bruce asked gently, eyes still closed.

"You got some fucking skin disease? There's- marks."

Bruce opened his eyes. He looked at Jason's pointing finger, then down at himself, where his shirt had ridden up. He frowned and pulled up the hem to get a better look. Dick and Jason leaned closer and stared at the bizarre tracks of small round bruises-in-the-making.

They looked familiar. Bruce sucked in a sharp breath, suddenly making the connection. "Tim's been saving my life right from the start," he whispered.

"What?"

Bruce looked at Tim, who was peering warily over the edge of his tub. Tim ducked down at the sudden scrutiny.

Bruce looked at Jason. "After I lost you, when I couldn't stand it anymore...I walked into the ocean and meant to never come back out. I woke up on the beach with these." He gestured. Dick reached to gently poke at the sucker marks. "He...must have dragged me out of the water." Bruce blinked, remembering. "When I tried again, he brought me back to shore. He...saw it wasn't enough, and he came out of hiding, went against all his instincts, to make sure I stayed alive." He looked at Jason and said faintly, "I would be dead several times over if it weren't for Tim. When I lost you and Dick, I didn't...have any reason left to live. So he made himself a reason. And...now you're back."

Jason swallowed and looked spooked. "That's really messed up, Bruce."

"Yes. It is." Bruce closed his eyes and muttered, "I probably need therapy." He hadn't really meant it seriously, but as soon as it said it out loud, he realized that he should have. He opened his eyes and looked at nothing as he said, trying out the sounds, "I need to start seeing a therapist."

"I'm not gonna see a therapist," Jason growled.

Bruce blinked and focused on him. "I won't force you if you don't want to."

Jason fidgeted. Then he flung himself down, turned completely away but leaning heavily against Bruce. "May I...put my arm around you?" Bruce ventured.

"No."

Bruce sat there, awkwardly trying to figure out what to do with his arm when he wasn't allowed to touch the boy who was huddled right where he'd usually rest it. But then Jason took hold of the arm and wrapped it around himself.

"B," Dick whispered.

"Dickie," Bruce whispered back, laying a light kiss on the top of his head.

"Why did you lie?"

"What...what did I lie about?"

"Jason is not dead, but you said he was."

"I made a mistake, Dick. Someone lied to me, and I didn't double-check, so I thought Jason was dead and I grieved."

"...You said 'Go away.' "

"I was wrong. I did the wrong thing, Dick. I'm sorry."

"It hurts."

"I'm so sorry. I'll try not to do it again."

Dick narrowed his eyes. "You say 'go away' a lot."

Bruce swallowed. He knew that Dick felt like he couldn't trust Bruce. Bruce sincerely regretted leaving his son, but it had happened more than once. How could Dick trust that Bruce wouldn't do it yet again? "What if we brought someone here to live with us?" he asked slowly. "If the Titans are okay with it. Someone in a better state than I am, who can stop me from doing stupid things when I don't realize they're unreasonable."

"Like a babysitter, except for the dad instead of the kids?" Jason snorted.

"Like Alfred."

Jason turned enough to frown at him, but the frown was more contemplative than disapproving.

"I miss Grandpa A," Dick signed.

"If I can get him to come but the Titans don't want him here, would you...be okay with moving to a new house with me?" Bruce asked.

"No," Jason mumbled.

Bruce figured he deserved that. "I don't...really trust myself right now. I don't want to leave you, but I don't want to hurt you again. I might...have to leave the Tower, if the Titans don't want another adult here."

Jason suddenly flipped around to face Bruce and clung to him, yelling into his shirt. Bruce held him for a while, stroking his back.

"Jay's mad," Dick said wearily.

"What about you, Dick? I want to ask Alfred to come live with me. But if the Titans don't want him here, then Alfred and Tim and I will need to move to a different house. I would try to come visit you. Would you want to come with us, or stay in the Tower?"

Dick looked so tired. "I don't know."

"All right. Well, it can't hurt to ask. Just so we know." He called his mother and asked to speak to Thomas and Alfred as well. Once all three of them were on the phone, both parties on speaker, Bruce explained the situation. They were overjoyed at first to hear Jason's voice, but horrified when Bruce haltingly described why he couldn't trust himself alone anymore.

"Oh, Bruce, sweetheart, why didn't you tell us?!" Martha cried.

"I didn't...want to worry you," Bruce lied. He'd been too ashamed and apathetic, keeping in communication after Jason's kidnapping mostly just out of obligation and deliberately hiding the severity of his depression. He hadn't even told his parents about Tim yet, not wanting them to start pushing to meet him, and now it seemed awkward and wrong to announce that he'd hidden their newest grandchild from them for so long. Though, of course, the longer he put it off, the worse it would get...

"I think you should come home, son," Thomas said.

"Father, my boys need the sea," Bruce said, and Jason buried his face in Bruce's shirt. "And besides, they have friends here. They might not want to leave them."

"Darling, I'm so worried," Martha said. "Might we come to you, then? Where are you, anyway?"

Bruce didn't want to risk the location of the Titans' base, and he was still worried about the fallout from Dick's revelation to the public. "I...can't tell you yet. I have to talk to our hosts and figure some things out, but...just...if Alfred- I know he's supposed to look after the manor, but I- I need help."

"He really does," Jason chimed in.

"Bruce, my dear boy," Alfred said, "to be at your side, I am ready to resign my post this instant."

"He doesn't have to," Thomas assured. "We are happy to keep him on the payroll even if he relocates."

"We have plenty of people to look after us and the manor, and you need him more than we do. Oh, darling, I'm almost afraid to even let you off the phone..."

"I'll be all right, Mother. The boys are here, and our hosts know what's going on now. I doubt they'll let me get away with anything, they care about Dick and Jason too much."

He had to promise to stay in touch more frequently. Dick and Jason also agreed to call if their father ever seemed to be doing poorly, or if they ever decided to move somewhere with fewer roommates.

"We have to bring Kori, though," Dick said. "She's my girlfriend."

The conversation meandered to lighter subjects for a while, until Bruce noticed Jason getting restless. He brought the conversation to a close, hung up, then leaned against the wall again with his boys resting comfortably in his arms.

It was quiet for a while. Then Jason mumbled, "Before, I felt like...a 10. Of badness. For so long... Like, ever since the restaurant. Now it's like...8. I don't wanna kill you every time I hear your name anymore."

Bruce gently ruffled Jason's hair. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way."

"It wasn't...really you...least not 'til we ran into Dick..." Haltingly at first, then in more and more of a rush, he started to talk about what had happened to him in the cult. He and Bruce were both crying by the end of it, Dick reaching out to pet his brother's hair soothingly.

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, Jay," Bruce whispered. "I'm so sorry."

"I...missed you...a lot..."

"I missed you, too."

Jason broke into wet laughter. "Yeah, too much."

"Too much," Bruce agreed, resting his cheek against Jason's head and ruffling Dick's hair with his other hand.

He still had open wounds that had been violently exposed, but he felt better than he had in...a long time. Dick and Jason didn't hate him anymore, at least for the moment. His parents knew about how much he was struggling, Alfred was coming to help him, there was a plan to make things better. He was sick, but there was light at the end of the tunnel now. A way out. It wasn't just enduring anymore, kneeling buried under an avalanche, trying not to let it finish killing him. There was a spark of hope, more than just a single reason to live, more motivation than just trying not to get crushed so that the last remaining treasure he sheltered wouldn't get crushed in turn-

Speaking of which, it was very quiet, and he only had two sons in his arms instead of all three. He looked around, having gotten the vague impression earlier that Tim had eventually ventured out to play, but he didn't see the little mer anywhere. "Tim?"

He glanced hesitantly at the boys for permission to move and was surprised to see them both look suddenly uncomfortable - almost ashamed. Dick wiggled aside to give him room to straighten, and as Bruce was in the laborious process of climbing to his feet, Jason hopped up, younger and quicker. The boy trotted over to the tub and looked in - then frowned and glanced around.

"He's not in there?" Bruce said, feeling the first stirring of alarm.

"No..."

The thin carpet was by now stained with a couple of weeks' worth of octo-mer tracks and it was hard to tell if any were fresh. Bruce looked at the door, which was tilted in its frame...leaving plenty of room for an octopus boy to squeeze out.

Bruce strode over and yanked the door open. Raptor, hugging his knees on the floor outside, scrambled to his feet, looking startled. "Did Tim pass by recently?" Bruce demanded.

"About half an hour ago," Raptor said sullenly.

"Half an hour?!"

Behind him, he heard Jason drop an expletive. He had a bad feeling about this.

TBC

A/N: Several people have been asking about the kids' ages. The last we heard about Dick, he was 14, but I'm going to age him up to 15 in the next edit; and by now, he is conceivably 16. Jason recently turned 14. I accidentally made both Tim & Damian 8. X'D