This is a dark story with tons of triggers, so if you don't like that stuff, don't read this one.

Disclaimer: I do not own the show Law and Order SVU or characters, all rights go to Dick Wolf.

Chapter 1

Amanda sat at her desk clicking her pen. The stack of files was getting higher and higher. She was off and her concentration was terrible. She stopped immediately when she saw Chief Patton walk by and wink. He was heading to her Captain's office. She watched Patton walk until he got to the door that read Captain Sam Reynolds.

Amanda thought Sam Reynolds was on her side. He flirted with her, but all the guys did. She was a woman in a man's world as a detective. He had a wife and daughter, he should have been harmless. Patton on the other hand was dirty and she knew it. If she knew anything she knew trouble when she saw it. She was born into trouble. She clicked her pen thinking about how her life got to this point.

On the outside Amanda and her family had a normal life. They lived in an expensive suburb. Her parents were Jim and Beth Anne Rollins. Jim was a big time investor and Beth Anne was a popular News Anchor. Once the work day was over they became different people. Jim would drink and dabble in drugs. Amanda remembered walking by cocaine on the table when she would wake up the next morning. She swears that's where her younger sister Kim picked up the habit. Her mother on the other hand, her choice of drug was men. Some mornings she wouldn't even be home.

Amanda will never forget the day she skipped school and came home to find her mother being fucked over their couch by her co-host. She remembered her mother looking at her and ignoring her. Amanda just rolled her eyes and went to her room. But that's not why she'll never forget that day. She was 15 and that was the first time she was sexually assaulted. She never liked Deacon Brinn. It was something about his eyes.

She was sitting on her bed looking at her phone, when he leaned against her door. His shirt was missing and his pants were undone at the top. "Shouldn't you be in school?" Amanda always had a smart mouth. Her mother hated it and hated her. She didn't love her like her daddy did and it made Beth Anne jealous and furious. "Shouldn't you be at work instead of fucking my mother?"

It all happened fast, faster than Amanda could handle. He had her by the chin and squeezed her mouth. "You little smartass. Your mom said you were a handful and bad, not like Kim." He used his free hand to undo her pants and put his hand down them. "Please don't!" He ignored her request and she saw her mom appear at the door, "Mom! Help me!" Her mom just smirked and said, "This is your punishment for skipping school and your smartass mouth."

Amanda felt his fingers inside her and she froze as he licked her neck and her face. She didn't know what was happening to her body, everything hurt. When he was done, he held up his hand and showed Beth Anne, "Well she's a little slut. I guess she wanted it. He wiped his hand all over Amanda's shirt and squeezed her breast. "Call me when these grow in." Amanda curled in a ball and cried.

When she heard him leave, she got the courage to take a shower. After the shower, she confronted mother, "You let him do that to me." Her mother continued to smoke, "Amanda, your ass should have been in school. You act like he raped you, please you're probably letting all the little boys feel you up."

Amanda was pissed but she did the worst thing ever, she told her daddy. Jim watched his wife on the news that night. Amanda and Kim woke up to two gunshots. Jim killed Beth Anne and then himself. Amanda blamed herself and was never the same. From that point on, when she did something wrong she found a way to punish herself.

Amanda and Kim found themselves in foster care. Their parents left them money, but that wouldn't be able to be touched until they were 21. Jim was an investor so he had things in place. Money for school, things like that. Amanda grew up wanting a future. Kim was only a year younger, but she was using drugs a lot. Amanda went to school, while Kim went the complete opposite direction. Amanda majored in forensic science and quickly became a detective, but she had her own secrets. She punished herself by cutting all through high school. She did it so long she became numb. By college it became rough sex and beatings. It was easier letting someone else hurt her.

When she graduated from college she entered the police academy. She trained hard, picked up running, and had lots of bumps and bruises. She loved the pain. She would run so hard she would throw up. When she ended up with six stitches on her hairline, she came right back with no break.

She had money and gambling became another addiction. If she would win it was like a high, but when she would lose, she would find a bar and have random hookups. Guys, girls it didn't matter, but she would ask them to punish her. Sometimes it was punching her, really rough sex, or even spankings. It was her way of coping, she didn't have another way. Amanda knew she was sick, but she didn't know what to do.

She got a call one night, Kim was picked up and had some big time charges. She should have found it strange when her Captain Sam Reynolds beat her to the station. "Kim, what the fuck were you thinking?" Kim was high, "Ohhhh Mandy, just get me out. I'll be good I promise." Amanda shook her head, "No, not this time. Stay here and get clean." Captain Reynolds talked Amanda down, helped make some calls, and Kim was released.

The next morning when Amanda got up for work, Kim was gone. Amanda went to her stash of money for gambling and it was gone. "Damn you Kim!" Amanda knew what it was, just Kim looking for her next high. She went about her day as the strong detective. She had cases and was stuck there until after 8. That wasn't unusual, but seeing Chief Patton walking in to see Captain Reynolds at a late hour sure was.

She felt weird and Amanda needed to find Kim anyway. "Excuse me. Hello Chief. Captain, I'm calling it. I'll see you in the morning." Chief Patton called her in that voice she couldn't stand, "Amanda Rollins. We have a bit of a situation." Amanda froze. That was probably the worst night of her life.

As soon as she got home she went straight to the bathroom. She threw up her dinner, which wasn't much. She looked in the mirror and saw blood from her split lip, bruises across her body, and the bruise forming around her eye. She jumped into the shower and scrubbed her body until she was red. After she got out of the shower, she was examining the bruises all over her pale body, she heard a knock on the door. The police told her they found Kim dead of a drug overdose. She fell against the wall crying, but she had been punished enough for one night.

She continued clicking her pen as she saw Chief Patton exit. Amanda put the pen down and walked into her Captain's office. "She put her hands on his desk, "I want out! And I mean out of Atlanta and you owe me." Her Captain leaned back in his chair, "Amanda, I don't have that kind of power." Amanda was always smart and not just her mouth, she had brains. "Well, if I were you I would find the power. You two are idiots for letting me just walk out that night. I'm a SVU detective, do think I didn't walk out and have my friend who's a nurse do a kit."

She was lying her ass off, but she took pleasure in watching her Captain's eyes get big. "I'll look into some things." Amanda smirked, "Yeah you do that, and make sure you tell your wife I said hello." Amanda walked out smiling that she had the upper hand now. She sat down and saw him immediately grab the phone. She was hoping he was looking for her out and not contacting Patton.

When she came back from a call she saw a note on her desk with an e-ticket. She read the note.

"You want out? Here is your chance. Better bring your A game."

She looked at the ticket, that said New York, then back at the note.

Captain Donald Cragen

Manhattan Special Victims Unit

16th Precinct

Amanda did something she hadn't done in a while, she took a relaxing breath and smiled. Tomorrow morning she was on a flight to find her out and hopefully her new start.