Chapter 7

The next week was busy and it got busier once Wednesday came. Wednesday meant Noah was back in Olivia's complete care for a week. Amanda was a little on edge. She thought Olivia would be totally different with Noah around, but she wasn't. She was the same. Working in New York was different, work kept Amanda busy. She was never this busy in Atlanta. She didn't even think about going out during the week.

The weekends were different though. She needed to fill the empty time. Time was never Amanda's friend. On the job Amanda was a star, off the job, no knew her secrets or the real her. She was drinking and having hookups left and right.

Amanda thought no one noticed, but Olivia did. She noticed the bruises, the marks, the limping. Amanda was free to come and go as she pleased, but Olivia was also free to watch. She still didn't pressure her, because at least Amanda was safe with her. She went a different route. Amanda was tough and she had a past. Olivia became sweet and caring. She also ran with her every morning. It became their time. Olivia needed her to be comfortable before she tackled the hard stuff.

Amanda got a little more than she bargained for at the club. New York was either rougher than Atlanta or Olivia was making her soft. The last case got to her. An uncle was raping his 24 year old niece for 10 years and she ended up in a Psychiatric hospital. Amanda thought that's where she belonged. It was 1:30 in the morning and Amanda was scared, but she was in pain. She knocked on Olivia's door.

Olivia rolled over, "Come in." Amanda opened the door, "Liv, I know it's late, but do you have pain meds?" Olivia hit the light, "Yeah, I have Tylenol." She saw Amanda looked bad, "I have something stronger from when I had Noah, but I don't know what it might do. What hurts?" Amanda shrugged, "Tylenol is fine, it's my period." Amanda lied, but she lied a lot to Olivia. Olivia got up, "Sit, let me get it and some water." Olivia went to the bathroom and came back with two pills and some water. "Here you go." Amanda swallowed hard, "Thanks!"

Olivia asked, "Why don't you lay on that side and let me get you a heating pad?" Amanda said no, "I can't sleep with you." Olivia laughed, "I promise, I won't jump your bones." Amanda smiled and wished she would. Her feelings about Olivia hadn't changed, they were stronger. She laid down and went to sleep before Olivia got back with the heating pad. Olivia saw her sleeping and sweetly brushed her blonde hair back. She pulled up her shirt to put the pad around her stomach and that's when she saw it, bruises. She put the pad on and didn't look any more, but it was time to have a talk.

Sunday morning Olivia got up and made breakfast for her and Lucy. Olivia was trying to see if Amanda would come to her. She knew Amanda wasn't dumb. She woke up around lunch time and she knew Olivia put the heating pad on. So therefore Olivia saw the bruises. She stayed far away all day.

Later that evening Olivia knocked on Amanda's open door. "Hey Liv." Olivia shut the door, "Hey, how are you feeling?" Amanda knew it was coming. When she woke, she knew. "I'm good." Olivia asked to sit down. "Of course it's your house, your bed." Olivia narrowed her eyes at her, "Don't do that. I've never implied anything like that. Don't hurt me."

Olivia sat down, "It's almost Thanksgiving and then Christmas. Do you like the holidays?" Amanda shrugged, "I haven't really had a holiday since my parents died when I was 15." Olivia listened whenever Amanda gave details. "Well, you'll have them here. And it's Noah's first time, so it's going to be a big deal, even though he won't remember any of it."

Olivia sighed, "Ok, I have some questions, but do you want Sergeant Benson or Liv? Your pick." Amanda twisted her hands in her lap, "What's the difference?" Olivia smiled, "Liv is going to ask about the bruises and give you a chance to be honest. Sergeant Benson is going to haul your ass to the hospital and have you checked out."

Amanda quickly said, "I'll take Liv." Amanda thought about what she needed to say. "You're going to think I'm sick. You're going to tell Cragen. I'm not going to have a job. You're going to kick me out and not be my friend. Please don't make me tell you. Can you just accept that I'm fine and I'll work on it?"

Olivia sighed, "I won't think you're sick, but I do think something is weighing really heavy on you. I may have to tell Cragen. Unless you've murdered someone you will have a job. I won't kick you out and I will still be your friend, but you are not fine."

Amanda looked at her, "When I leave I go to underground clubs. I did in Atlanta too and I even gambled." Olivia's eyes shot up, "I know I can't do it as a cop. I haven't gambled here, not once." Amanda swallowed, "I go for rough sex. The bruises are the result and what I asked for. I need the punishment and pain, it's what I deserve. Go ahead and tell me I'm sick."

Olivia grabbed her hand. This was a lot. It was way more than what she thought. She also knew that Amanda was going way out of her comfort zone and telling her. "I don't think you're sick, but I do think you need to talk to someone professionally, because something is causing it. I've known you for a month, I don't think you deserve pain. You're my friend and I definitely don't want to see you in pain."

Amanda stood up, "Liv, don't play with me. You're an SVU detective. You talk to people who do sick shit every day. I'm a detective and I know I'm sick." Olivia thought her next comment had to come out right. "Amanda, we take down people who sexually assault people. What you're describing is something you want. That's different."

Amanda sat back down, "I can't tell a complete stranger everything bad in my life." Olivia tried to calm her down, "Ok so you've had some bad things happen and you don't want to tell a stranger. Tell me." Amanda shook her head, "Hell no!" Olivia smiled, "I'm not a stranger. Why can't you tell me?" Amanda turned away, "You'll look at me differently and I like you."

Olivia knew it, "I won't look at you differently and I know you like me." Amanda said, "No Liv, I like you, like you." Olivia rolled her eyes, "I know you like me, like me! I've known since the first day we met. Your eyes were glued on my body. Amanda took the pillow and covered her face, "Oh God! I'm looking for an apartment tomorrow." She grabbed the pillow, "Please don't. I like you too. I think your attraction to me is adorable, but we work together."

Amanda sighed, "And that's what happened with you and David." Olivia laughed, "Oh no, we had other disagreements." Olivia had an idea, "How about we do this. I tell you something bad that happened to me and you tell me something bad that happened to you."

Amanda liked that because she could pick something after hearing Olivia. "Ok." Olivia thought she was getting somewhere. She moved up on the bed and patted the space beside her, "Come on. I still won't jump your bones, even though I guess you wouldn't mind.

Amanda laughed and moved up beside her. "Remember when I said my mom wasn't a mom and I didn't grow up with my dad?" Amanda shook head remembering the comment while talking about Noah. "Amanda, my mom was raped." Amanda's eyes opened wide. "Yep, enter Olivia Margaret Benson.

Amanda was shocked. "I don't know why she had me. She never really was a mom to me. She hated me. I was five, throwing cover on her after passed out. She beat me more than she fed me. She's not alive anymore. I don't know my father. The rapist was never caught."

This was supposed to help, but Amanda felt weak. Olivia was so put together. "I was a mess when I was younger. I did all kinds of things to get her attention. I even slept with one of her college students when I was 16." Olivia looked Amanda in the eye, "Are you looking at me differently?" Amanda wasn't, she was just surprised. "Amanda, pain changes you. Emotions are a powerful thing and they will eat you alive if you don't deal with it. I'm not perfect."

Amanda knew it was her turn. "I grew up with both parents and with money, but they didn't really pay attention to me or my sister. My daddy loved me and my mom didn't. He drank and did coke, my sister got it from him. My mom's addiction was sex with any man who gave her a compliment. My daddy…He..." Olivia hugged her, "You did good. If you need to stop it's ok." Amanda did something she didn't ever do, she trusted Olivia. "My daddy shot her and then himself. And it's all my fault."

Amanda had never said it out loud and she cried in Olivia's lap. She was like a kid and Olivia rubbed her back and calmed her down. "Amanda, it's going to be ok. You can't keep things inside." Once Amanda calmed down, Olivia spoke, "Now how about dinner and you can soak in my tub." Olivia knew it was way more that caused the behavior, but she thought she had enough.

When Amanda got out of the tub, Olivia was in her bed, "Did that make you feel better?" Olivia put lavender epsom salt in to help her sleep and to help with the pain. "Amanda, if you feel like you need to get away, promise me you'll stop sneaking out and let me try and help." Amanda smiled, "I'll try Liv, but you can't help me." Olivia needed to help her, "Why? What do you need?" Amanda saw Olivia's belt on the chair and she watched her touch it. "To be punished. Night, I won't leave tonight." After 30 minutes Olivia checked on her and she was asleep. She knew Amanda wouldn't see anyone, but she could always talk to her doctor.