Chapter 12

The weekends went by fast and work kept them busy. They only had two weeks until Christmas and it was nice to see the squad room decorated. Their Monday was light and it was the perfect day to catch up on files. Around 2 Amanda and Olivia left.

They got out of the car and Amanda was slower. "Hey, you call the shots. I won't be mad or disappointed. Amanda you are strong and I'm so proud of you and we will take this as slow as you need to." They walked into the office and saw Alexis at the counter. "Hey!" Alexis hugged Olivia like last time and this time she hugged Amanda too. Amanda's heart was racing, but her hug was warm. "Are you joining us today?"

Amanda looked, "Didn't Liv tell you?" Alexis told her no, she didn't like sessions like this, because sometimes they were messy. "Liv, didn't tell me anything, last time I knew you were coming along, but we haven't talked." Amanda walked in first and Alexis winked at Olivia. They sat down to talk.

Alexis started, "I don't like doing sessions this way. Sometimes they get complicated, but I trust you two." Olivia understood and Amanda knew one thing, she wasn't doing this without her. "Amanda, once you start, I will not talk to Olivia about you without you present and vice versa. If at any point you decide you want to speak with me alone, you say so. Same for you Liv."

Amanda got it then, "That's when things get complicated right?" Alexis shook her head. They all agreed, "So Amanda, tell me about yourself." Amanda looked at her holding the notepad and pen. "Are you writing everything down?" Amanda was confused, Olivia talked to her and she knew she told Alexis about her. "I listen carefully, but when it's over I read over things so the next time I'm ahead." Amanda sighed, "I'm from Atlanta. I lived there my whole life. My dad Jim, was a business advisor and my mom Beth Anne, was a news anchor. They both died when I was 15. My sister and I were put into foster care."

Amanda looked at Alexis then Olivia before continuing. I never met my grandparents, they died before I was born. Both of my parents were only children. We had no family left. My parents always wanted to have two kids so we would…" Amanda stopped as silent tears fell. Olivia moved closer. She hadn't seen much emotion from her, so this was big. "So we would have someone. My sister was a year younger than me. Her name was Kim. She died right before I moved here. She overdosed."

When Amanda stopped, Alexis wanted her to take a break. She knew more, but Alexis was a doctor. Even though she came clean with Olivia, if she pushed too hard and fast Olivia would have a lot on her hands. "Olivia, how does it make you feel hearing that and seeing her like this?"

Olivia held her hand, "I know it hurts. I know how it feels to not have anyone. I felt the same way for years. Even when I dated and had a partner, I felt alone. So I get it. Up until I had Noah I think I felt like Amanda. Noah definitely changed my life." Olivia laughed a little, "You know it's weird. I lost David at probably the worst time ever. Then I got Lucy, then Noah, and now a certain blonde has turned my world upside down, in the most perfect way." There were so many emotions coming in, during the talking, but they were both smiling. "Ok, is there anything either of you want to say or should we end on this happy note?"

Amanda looked at Alexis, "Can I say something?" Alexis shook her head, "I used to hurt myself when I was younger and as I got older I would want people to hurt me. Most of the time I got it from rough sex. Guys or girls it didn't matter. It was what I needed. But I like Liv and I don't want to do that with random people, but I still need it. Am I sick? Liv says no, but sometimes I think she lies to me, so I don't feel a certain way. You're a doctor and you have to tell me the truth."

Alexis looked at both of them, "You're not sick. People are different and they like different things. You're sex crimes detective, I'm sure you know the difference between normal and sick. Amanda you're a consenting adult and you are with other consenting adults. Whatever you two decide to do is you. I would recommend keeping communication open both ways."

She moved in front of Amanda to sit on the ottoman, "I will say something. When people have feelings and urges like you. It's for a reason. You know the reason, because you lived it, but if you really want to unlock it, if you really don't want to continue with others, you need a little help. Amanda you've had trauma and I'm willing to help and so is Liv, but not because we think you're sick, but because we want you to be happy with you."

They made an appointment as usual and Amanda left smiling. She hopped in the car and called Lucy. "Luce, want to eat out and grab that red, white, and blue thing?" Olivia laughed. Then they heard David, "Hey are we invited?" Amanda smiled, "Of course!"

They went to the diner together. Lucy and Amanda were arguing at the jukebox. Olivia shook her head, "Jesus, they're like 2 kids." She grabbed several bananas from Amanda and Lucy's plate before they turned around to see the food came. David looked at her, "What?" David smirked, "You like the older kid." Olivia shook her head, "I like both just fine. They do live with me." David shrugged, "I'm not saying anything bad. I'm happy for you. I like her and she loves my son."

Olivia smiled, David was always mature, but it wasn't out in the open yet. She looked up when she heard Lucy, "Hey, my bananas!" Olivia had smashed them, "Really Lucy, he's like your brother." Amanda shook her head and gave her some of her bananas. "Gosh Liv what a brat." They all laughed.

The week was light but all hell broke loose on Friday. Amanda was at her desk when Nick's wife barged in. Apparently the last case of the missing 14 year old was a little complicated. The dad mentioned he served together with Nick's wife, but Nick thought it was more to it. "Are you crazy? You've been following me."

Nick grabbed his wife's arm and the squad was on full alert. When Nick came back, they heard him punch the locker and his hand was bloody. Cragen was the only one who had an idea of the problems. Amanda jumped up, "Geez Nick!" She grabbed his hand, "Want some ice?" Nick snatched his hand away. Cragen had enough, "Nick! My office now!"

Cragen looked at Olivia, "Liv and Fin, I need you to head to Mercy. They have a victim." Amanda was typing her files when Nick came out. She didn't say anything, but she watched him slam stuff. "What are you looking at Rollins?" Amanda answered back, "Don't be an ass Nick!" Cragen heard and watched from his office. Nick laughed, "An ass huh! That's funny. Why don't you go find Liv, because half the time you're stuck up her ass!"

Amanda balled up her fist, "Fuck you Nick!" She ran at him and it took Cragen and some other officers to pull Amanda off of him. "Rollins, my office now!" Cragen pointed at Nick, "You get your ass out now before you earn a 5 day rip!" Olivia and Fin walked in as Nick was grabbing his jacket. Fin smiled, "What did we miss?" Cragen pulled his tie down, "Not now Fin. Liv I need you."

Cragen explained what happened and explained Nick's situation. "Gosh Cap!" Cragen looked at her, "You're my number 2 Liv. This is the problem if you and Amanda are involved. Nick picked up on something or he wouldn't have made the comment. She wasn't wrong, but her reaction was totally inappropriate. Can you put your feelings aside and discipline?" Olivia almost laughed, because discipline wasn't the problem. "Yes sir."

They both entered Cragen's office and Olivia had never seen this from Amanda. Cragen lit into her ass. "It wasn't bad enough that he's out there acting like an ass! You can't control yourself and walk the hell away!" Olivia watched Amanda ball her fists the whole time she was being yelled at. Cragen's phone rang, "Deal with this one." Olivia walked up to her, "First, unball your fists. You do not do that when a superior officer is talking to you. Second, what the hell were you thinking? It's called control, you walk away. Third, you don't curse on the job like that."

Amanda was looking straight ahead and her hands were by her side. "Fourth", Olivia put her hand over her heart and it was racing. "Calm down." Olivia felt her heart slow immediately. "We will talk about punishment when we get home." Olivia dropped her hand as she saw Cragen coming. "Cap, you need me?" He shook his head, "Great news they caught the perp in Brooklyn, robbery."

Cragen stood in front of Amanda. "I'm sorry Captain. I thought I was doing the right thing. I lost my temper and I was wrong." Cragen dismissed her and gave her a warning. Amanda went out with Fin and Olivia stayed behind. "Liv, you're good with her, she's just young. Nick was out of control. I know nothing major is going on, but I'm letting the correct people know of your relationship. Keep it professional at all times and you have no worries."

Amanda didn't say much on the way home. "I'm picking up Chinese for dinner. Lucy has a date, so it will be me, you, and Noah." When they got home Lucy immediately jumped on Amanda about advice. "Luce, she had a rough day." Amanda ignored it, "Follow me and talk fast." Lucy was out of the door, "Bye Liv!" Olivia yelled back, "Midnight and no later."

Amanda sat at the bar with her damp hair. "I didn't think you would eat with me." Amanda shrugged. "I did get you an extra egg roll." They ate and Amanda was so quiet. "Will you watch Noah while I take a shower and then we can talk. You can even sit on my big bed." Amanda smiled, "Why aren't you mad at me?" Olivia kissed her, "Because I know your heart and I know you were trying to be kind to Nick."

Olivia headed for the shower and after 2 minutes Amanda smelled something bad, "Noah, what did you eat today?" Noah rolled and started babbling. Amanda ran some water and threw his water toys. She undressed him, cleaned him up, and put him in his bath seat. "Ok big boy, let's get you super clean." Olivia looked in, "What happened?" Amanda shook her head, "He exploded in his diaper." After drying him and getting him in bed clothes they sat on Olivia's bed. Noah played until he fell asleep. "Let me put him down and I'll be back."

Olivia came back, "Are you gonna punish me?" Olivia asked, "Do you really want pain after your day? I figured you had been through enough." Amanda shrugged, "You said we would talk about punishments." Olivia shook her head, "We are." She pulled out paper and a pen. "To me punishment causes pain, but punishment doesn't always have to be physical pain like hitting. It definitely won't be me punching you or leaving bruises, so we need to talk."

Amanda sat and folded her legs. "So let's make a list of acceptable punishments." She pulled it up online and they made a list. Amanda pointed, "You can ground me. You did that already. You could just give me a pop. You've done that twice, my hand and my ass." Amanda kept reading, "Soap in my mouth? I don't like that." Olivia laughed, "Oh I can put you in a corner to think. Maybe Cragen should have done that today when you balled your fist up." Amanda agreed with that. Olivia got excited, "Essay punishment writing." Olivia pointed and her voice dropped, "Spanking, I know that's a yes."

Amanda bit her lip, "Liv, it says hand, wooden spoon, paddle, belt,…" Olivia stopped her, "I'm not a fan of the spanking Amanda. How about my hand and wooden spoon, but I don't like the belt. The belt is totally last. I definitely don't like the other choices. Those are out." They ranked them and Olivia immediately put spanking at the bottom. Corner time was first, then essay writing, and then grounding before spanking. They decided she could pop her at any time to keep her in line. They also decided that Olivia could switch them up depending on their location.

They talked about it and the hope was that with Olivia managing Amanda with some discipline, it would help with her not punishing herself. Amanda said "I don't want to ask you, I don't feel comfortable. If I don't ask for punishment, how will you know?" Olivia smiled, "Amanda I know you. It took the last two months, but I know. You get really withdrawn. You don't eat and I have to put my foot down. You get that tone, that drives me crazy."

"If we go through two punishments in a week I will know you need the physical pain. How does that sound?" Amanda agreed and let Olivia take the lead. Olivia reminded her, "If you act up, you will get it." Olivia kissed her, "I need you to promise me something. If I punish you and you don't want it, tell me." Amanda agreed she needed it and Olivia.