Chapter 16

On Monday morning they woke up and ran. It kicked both of their butts. Olivia took her shower and thought about how normal things had been for a week. She also knew that it was therapy day and she never knew how Amanda might react.

Amanda was taking her own shower thinking the same thing. Since that night that she and Olivia had sex, she hadn't felt the need for punishment, she only wanted Olivia to love her. Amanda was fighting a battle with herself. Olivia loved her and trusted her, but she couldn't trust her with her deepest secrets. She owed her more.

She ate but was quietly thinking. She felt Olivia rub her shoulders, "Are you ok?" Amanda smiled, "Yeah, running kicked my ass this morning." Olivia laughed, "Same!" They both kissed and loved on Noah, "Ok Luce, we're gone, remember we have an appointment today." Olivia looked at Amanda for some sign and saw no reaction.

They had a great ride to work. Olivia thought things were going to blow, but she kept an upbeat attitude. They closed the file from Connecticut. The kids in college were back from winter break and that meant the calls about rape popped up at campuses. Fin and Amanda walked in shaking their heads. "19! That 19 year old kid slipped another 19 year old a roofie. Just to get in her pants. Ruined both of their lives."

Olivia thought the timing was off big time. "Liv, you ready?" If Olivia thought something was wrong at first, this was major. Amanda had never asked Olivia if she was ready to see Alexis. "Yeah, let's go. See you guys tomorrow." Olivia pulled up and before Olivia could ask, Amanda was out of the car and headed to the building. Olivia could only brace for impact.

Alexis was at the front desk and for the first time Amanda looked normal and Olivia looked sick. "Hey, come on in." They all sat down. "Ok so due to work we've missed some sessions. Things were tense last time. We look better today." Alexis wanted to say Olivia looked like shit, but she left it alone. "Amanda, you were pretty upset about Captain Reynolds and I'm guessing you didn't have to see him. Do you want to talk about it?"

Amanda sighed, "I didn't see him. Olivia and Captain Cragen protected me." Alexis asked, "How do you feel about being protected Amanda?" Amanda smiled, "Loved. No one since my daddy ever protected me. And if I'm being honest, even if he protected me, he didn't protect my sister. He's the reason for her using drugs and he never stopped her. She's dead because of him."

Alexis took notes and thought this was going well. "Olivia, how do you feel hearing that?" Olivia smiled, "I'm happy that she knows her circle loves her. I don't think she really understood until now." Alexis went with it. "So your dad protected you and not your sister. What about your mom?"

Amanda looked at Olivia before answering because she already knew that part. "My mom always hated me." Amanda was strong as she told the story about the assault she experienced at 15. She was even stronger as she told her about being pulled from her sleep hearing two gunshots. She was the strongest Olivia had ever seen her as she described walking into the family room and seeing blood and brains on the floor and walls.

"I used to think it was my fault. I thought…I thought he would kick her out, at the worst I thought they would fight and he might hit her, but I never expected what he did." Alexis moved closer, "Amanda you were a child and you deserved to be protected. You know that right?"

Amanda said something next that she really didn't even know herself, "That's where it comes from my need for punishment. I was mad and angry. I wanted her to pay and I hated her for what she let him do to me. But she was my mom and I didn't think she deserved to pay with her life. That's why it's my fault."

Alexis knew she had to push this, "Amanda, you did the right thing, whether you did it out of anger or not. You did what you would teach any child in your field of work, to tell someone they trust. It is not your fault what took place after that. Your father was a grownup and he made a poor decision and that's not on you. Do you get that?" Tears fell down her face, "I do."

Alexis looked at Olivia, "Have you punished her?" Olivia nodded, "Yes, the last day we were here." Olivia, how did you feel about it afterwards?" Olivia looked at Amanda, "I didn't like it, but I wanted her to feel better. I will be there for whatever she needs." Alexis looked at Amanda, "Did it make you feel better?" Amanda couldn't lie, "After that moment it did, but since we…" Amanda stopped, looked at Olivia and smiled hard. Alexis laughed, "Oh the friendship has changed since the last time." Amanda blushed, "Liv, I can't promise you that I won't ever need it, but for right now. I love the way you love me more."

Alexis felt like she had a good stopping point. "Is there anything else or is this a good place to stop?" Amanda turned to Olivia, "I left Atlanta for a reason and it wasn't because of my parents or even Kim's death. I know I'm young, but I worked my ass off in the academy and on the beat to become a detective. I know I'm young, attractive, and blonde but I never once used it to get anywhere. I knew Atlanta was a boys club. I should have known better."

Olivia never looked away, she was a detective too and with every word, she was putting the pieces to the puzzle together. Amanda put her head in Olivia's lap and she immediately rubbed her back and brushed her blonde hair. "They had me before I knew it. It was a trap."

Olivia heard "they" and closed her eyes. Amanda explained Reynolds got her sister out of holding the night before and that she was working late. When Olivia heard about Chief Patton she balled up her fists. How dare they use their power like that.

"My reaction was too slow. Reynolds pulled my arms across the desk. I tried kicking and screaming. Patton said if I didn't stop kicking and screaming he would fill all my holes, so I stopped. They took turns holding me down and raping me over and over again. I still hear their voices in my head."

Amanda explained that she went home and looked at her bruised body when she heard the knock at the door. "To make matters worse, it was the cops telling me my sister got her hands on the wrong stuff. She was found dead in an alley. I found that out right after I was raped."

Olivia pulled her up to look at her, "You've never said that out loud have you?" Tears fell down Amanda's eyes, "No." Olivia hugged her, "Amanda, I'm so sorry baby." Amanda sighed, "I lied to him and told him I had a rape kit done and he better transfer me immediately. That's why I'm here." Alexis talked to them and made sure Amanda and Olivia were prepared for the fallout.

It was a quiet ride home, but Olivia thought Amanda had said enough. When they walked in Amanda talked to Lucy and Noah. Olivia just kind of monitored the situation. "Guys, what do you want to do about dinner?" Lucy answered, "Pizza and movie in y'all's bed." Olivia smiled, "Fine, I'll order, you two take a shower. First one done, come grab Noah, second one done wait for the food. I'll shower after y'all." Amanda got up, "Liv, can you order wings with the pizza?" Olivia winked, "Yep!"

Lucy finished first, "Give him his bath ok." She met Amanda coming out of the bathroom and wrapped her arms around her waist. "Are you ok?" Amanda looked her in the eyes, "Yeah." Amanda waited for the pizza. They all grabbed plates and ate while they watched the movie. Olivia took everyone's plate and cleaned up the boxes. When she came back Lucy was asleep at the bottom of the bed and Noah was asleep on Amanda.

Olivia called David, "I need your help with my big kid and yes use your key." David came over and carried Lucy to bed. "Can I put my son to bed too?" Olivia tucked Lucy in, "Sure." David carefully grabbed Noah. Olivia stopped at the door hearing David. "Amanda, thank you for being good to my son and Liv. You know I didn't do right by her. I put my career above her and our relationship. She's a good person and I didn't deserve her, but I'm glad my son has her and you to. Night." Olivia popped in, "Are you leaving?" David smiled, "Yeah, I'll lock up." Olivia laid down and held Amanda as they fell asleep.