Chapter 20

The next week was Valentine's and Olivia planned a romantic weekend, but duty called instead. The squad was pulled into a case searching for a serial killer who was targeting young prostitutes. They were actually pulled from the Monday therapy session. It took all week to track him down and Nick ended up having to kill the perp just to save Olivia's life.

It shook Amanda to the core. Olivia saw her standing in front of the bathroom mirror with her hands gripping the counter so hard her knuckles were white. "Hey, are you ok?" Olivia was concerned about a major setback. "Funny Liv, I should be asking you." Olivia rubbed her back, "Well, I was scared, but I'm fine and I'm here." Amanda turned to face her, "I'm just getting my life together Liv and I know we have a dangerous job, but I never thought about what would happen if I lost you."

Olivia pulled her in wrapping her arms around her waist, "Do you think I don't feel the same. Amanda if I lost you my life would be a wreck. I promise you, if it's ever close. I will fight like hell to make it for you and our family." She picked up Amanda and placed her on the counter. Amanda smiled, "Same." Olivia squinted, "Are you gaining weight?" Amanda bit her lip, "I ate a couple burgers this week."

They barely had time to pull it together from the last case. Both of them were pulled from their sleep because of an abandoned baby. That turned into searching for the missing teenage mother. At the end of that case they found out a couple had kidnapped teenage girls to force them to have children. "What the hell is wrong with people? What the hell is wrong with this world?" They all sat in the squad room wiped over the last two weeks. Cragen loved Amanda's passion. "Rollins, that's why we keep fighting!"

The next week was slower and they made their therapy appointment. Alexis hugged them both. "Come on in you two!" Amanda had come a long way and Alexis was about to try something new. "Amanda, I know the trauma you've experienced so I want to try something today. Is it ok if Liv stays?" Amanda shrugged, "Of course. Why?" Alexis spoke softly, "Well this session is completely all you."

Amanda shifted a little uneasy, "Ok." Alexis explained how it worked. She knew it was time to heal. "This is a way to experience what happened, but in a different way. It's not easy and when you leave here today you may feel worse than coming in, but eventually you will see it's making you better."

Amanda looked right at Olivia. "Amanda, I want you to close your eyes and go back to the day when you were 15 and skipped school." Amanda immediately started breathing hard and Olivia put her hand on her arm and stroked it gently. "Ok." Amanda started telling the story of walking in and seeing her mother bent over the couch. "I was frozen. I felt sick. Who should see their mother like that? It looked painful, but she wasn't screaming. She turned and looked at me and didn't say anything or even stop."

She continued the story about going to her room. She was reading a magazine. "I never liked him, Deacon. We met him plenty of times before. They were co-host. He popped up at my door with no shirt on and his pants weren't buttoned, but after what I just saw it didn't seem that odd. I didn't like the way he looked at me. I wasn't scared though." It hurt Olivia to listen to it. Amanda swallowed hard and she squeezed her eyes tight.

She explained that she cursed at him. "It happened so fast. No matter what I said or did, my parents never put their hands on me, so I didn't expect it." Amanda told her she could smell alcohol and cigarettes on his breath. "He was squeezing my jaw so hard it hurt so bad. He was so rough with me and the only reason my jaw didn't hurt anymore was because his fingers inside me hurt more. I remember seeing my mom come to the door and watch. All I could think about was what kind of mother would do that. When I begged her for help, he hit my head against the headboard."

She went on and said she tried to talk to her mom and that's when she learned about punishment. Then she stopped talking, opened her eyes, looked at Alexis and Olivia, and cried. When Amanda asked to leave to go to the bathroom, Alexis asked if she had permission to speak to Olivia. Amanda was wiped physically and mentally drained and didn't care either way. "Sure."

Olivia was pissed, "She's been doing great. What exactly are you trying to do? She's told you this before." Alexis shook her head, "Liv, you're a sex crimes detective. How many times have you asked a victim to retell in detail so you can solve the case. You've heard that story, has it ever been that detailed. When she tells it and faces it, she will get over it. I want you prepared for the outcome. She may step backwards and she may not. Just be her support system. The process is going to be different because you love her, but don't get mad with me."

When they came out of the office Amanda was ready. "Let's take a week off and I'll see you two the Monday after next." They climbed in the car and Olivia was wondering what the night would bring. "What would you like to eat?" Olivia waited for the "I'm not hungry" but instead heard, "Can we get Junior's to go. I want a big piece of cheesecake." Olivia smiled, "Absolutely! Do you want to call Luce and David?"

Amanda got their order and called it in so it would be ready. "Can I get the Fried chicken, the Virginia ham and turkey sandwich, Junior's club sandwich, Jumbo hot dog, and 3 strawberry cheesecakes." After Amanda hung up, "You didn't ask me what I wanted." Amanda smiled, "Club sandwich, I know my girl." Olivia was happy she was light hearted after the session. "Well you only got 3 cheesecakes and there are 4 people." Amanda smiled, "Me and you are sharing."

They got the food and went home. They all enjoyed dinner together and as promised Amanda shared her cheesecake. David stood up and kissed Noah, "Night big boy. Night guys see you tomorrow." Lucy passed Olivia a packet, "This is from Ashley. She gave it to me at lunch today." Olivia slid it to Amanda and picked Noah up, "Amanda, I'm going to give him a bath. Hold on to that and we can look at it before bed."

Amanda said ok and talked to Lucy. "So how was lunch today?" Lucy smiled, "Is it bad if I say good?" Amanda smiled, "You were right. She's nice. I guess I should have…" Amanda kissed the top of her head, "Hey, don't beat yourself up. It's the past Luce, leave it there." Amanda walked to the bathroom and saw Noah splashing, then she heard Olivia's voice in her head, "Try taking some of your own good advice."

Olivia turned around, "Hey, you ok?" Amanda smiled, "Yeah. Can I dry him off and change him?" Olivia smiled, "Of course! I'm dying to shower, unless you want me to wait for you." Amanda took him, "Actually, I was hoping to sit in the tub with you." Olivia winked, "Ok, let me help Lucy straighten up the kitchen and I'll be back."

Amanda dried him, put lotion on, a new diaper, and his dinosaur pjs. Then she sat with him in the rocker and rubbed circles on his back. Olivia came to the door and saw Noah sleeping on Amanda's chest, "You ready?" Amanda laid him down and turned his music on and his camera. "You're good at that."

They said goodnight to Lucy and went to their bathroom. Amanda sat in between Olivia's legs, her back was to her front. Olivia held Amanda tight, "What do you need Amanda?" Amanda knew what she was asking. "You know I told Lucy that if something was in the past, she should leave it there. I also told her that life is hard enough and she can't deal with her parents' problems. Telling that story today, it hurt Liv. My mom, Deacon, even my dad were bad people, but I'm not them." Olivia smiled behind her, "Liv, I need you to hold me and love me. I'm going to be ok."

They sat in bed and looked through the packet Ashley put together. It had dresses, food options, cakes, decorations, and even 3 perfect spots in Central Park. "Wow! She put work into this." Olivia asked, "Do you want to take my last name, want me to take your last name, or leave our names the way they are?"

Amanda was sure, "I don't want to be Rollins anymore, but will it make work confusing?" Olivia kissed her, "Hey from now on, we make decisions for us and no one else." Olivia held off on the kids question and saved it for later. "Liv, I love you." Olivia smiled, "I love you back!"