Chapter 23
A month went by and things were good, but busy. Spring came and it got warmer and people in the city went crazy. The squad had to huddle around Fin when his family was hit hard. Fin was leaving work when his adult son came to the squad room in tears. His husband, Alejandro, was attacked in a hate crime. They brutalized him, leaving him to die. He pulled through, but he was in ICU for weeks and had months of therapy ahead of him.
They were all pulling doubles and Amanda was working so much overtime she missed a month of therapy. Olivia noticed, but they all were working and missing something. It was the final straw in Nick's marriage and his wife took their daughter to DC. Olivia barely saw Noah, thank goodness David and her had Lucy.
Olivia walked in the bathroom and Amanda was filling up the tub, "It's Friday and for the first time in weeks neither of us are working at all this weekend. Please tell me that's for us." Amanda smiled, "Of course. We deserve it." Olivia climbed in first and sat down, then Amanda sat in between her legs and laid back. "This feels so good."
Olivia rubbed her shoulders, "I'm glad Alejandro is on the mend and Fin was able to help his son get through that." Amanda agreed, "Yeah, it was definitely hard watching him go through that." Olivia held her breath for the next statement, "Things are settling down now, we need to get you back in therapy." That was it, their final straw.
Amanda scoffed and pulled away from Olivia and got out of the tub. "Amanda?" Amanda put her robe on, "Screw you Liv!" Olivia had an idea it might be bad, but not that bad. Olivia threw her head back, "Fuck!" Olivia was mad at herself. The timing was off, but she was worried that she was missing therapy.
Work was always good for Amanda. It kept her mind busy, but what happened to Fin's family hit her hard. She cried so many times, because she loved him. Olivia climbed out and changed. She walked out to an empty bedroom. She walked down the hall and looked in the guest bedroom. Amanda had completely moved out of there a while ago.
Lucy had her bag on her shoulder, "Liv, I'm going to Dominick's." Olivia agreed, "You deserve it after this month." David was working hard with cases, so she was on babysitting duty. Amanda wasn't anywhere. Olivia went back to the room to grab her phone and then she saw it. Two cards were on her pillow and they were both cards that she got to write on.
Olivia read them, "Curse out Liv, check your phone." Olivia grabbed her cell and braced herself. "You know after this fucking horrible month, I sure as fuck didn't need that bullshit. You think I needed you to fucking remind me I'm just a sick fuck up. Don't call me." Olivia turned the card over and saw grounding. Olivia looked at the second card, "Leave and don't come home tonight." Olivia shook her head and turned the card over and saw spanking with a belt.
Olivia picked up the phone, she was mad. She never thought Amanda would do that. It rang and rang and rang and finally voicemail. "Amanda Rollins, I know you're pissed, but walking out and I have no idea where you are is crazy. At least call me back and let me know you're safe."
While she waited and sent a text, "Call me now!" She saw that Amanda read it. After 5 minutes she called again and it went straight to voicemail, "Amanda! I'm a cop, you act like I can't track your phone if I want!" Olivia realized she sounded crazy. She laid down and as tired as she was she couldn't sleep.
At 4 AM she heard the door and jumped up. All of the lights were still on. Amanda walked in and she looked like a scared kid and all of Olivia's anger left. They looked at each, "Amanda, where did you go?" Amanda handed her the keys, "How long am I grounded for?" Olivia tilted her head, "I'll tell you that when you answer my question." Amanda shook her head, "No, that was for my phone message." Olivia shrugged, "Fine a month."
Amanda held up her hands, "A fucking month." Amanda frowned, "I went to the crib, those beds are shit." Olivia shook her head, "Your mouth is out of control. And you didn't figure that out in the last month of nonstop work. We spent enough time in the cribs."
Olivia remembered the one night they were on together. Nick was her partner, but with Fin gone she was on switch duty being more experienced. She heard Amanda crying in the shower. "Liv, I'm tired and I barely see you." Olivia kissed her, "Is that better?" Amanda smiled, "It would be better if you kissed me somewhere else." Olivia rolled her eyes, but gave her everything she needed and wanted.
Amanda saw Olivia smiling and wondered what she was thinking about. She liked to see her smile, but she was still mad. "Why are you smiling? You're supposed to be punishing me." Olivia reached on the chair and picked up her belt, "Turn around and put your hands right there." This was different, it went against everything Olivia believed in. Amanda did it.
Olivia pulled back and hit her once. The sound when it hit her was deafening and Olivia didn't think she could do it again and she heard a whimper, "Georgia." It was the word they agreed on. If Olivia was ever punishing her and she didn't want it, she would say it.
Amanda turned around, "I'm sorry Liv. This isn't what I want for us." Amanda only asked her to hold her. Olivia did just that and she watched Amanda cry. "Amanda, talk to me. I knew you might get upset, but why all this?" Amanda felt the urge, but they were so busy. "I wanted it before. I'm mad at myself that I need therapy, that I'm not normal. You deserve better. I thought if I made you beat me, you would leave me." Olivia turned to look her in the eyes, "I'm not leaving you. I don't care if you curse or ask for punishment. Amanda Rollins, I want you in my life forever." They both fell asleep in each other's arms.
Olivia woke up first around noon. She saw Amanda sleeping peacefully. She took a shower, called David who immediately brought over Noah, and ordered Chinese. David looked at Olivia while she held their son. She was such a good mom. "You look tired. It's been a crazy month huh?" Olivia ate some more, "Yeah." David asked, "How are you and Amanda? I know working like that had to be crazy."
Olivia smiled, "We're great! I can't wait to marry her. You know she reminds me of myself when I was 25." David saw a shadow, "I think she's up. Do you want me to take him or you keep him?" Olivia smiled, "I'd love to keep him."
Amanda appeared after he left. "Hey, did you enjoy your shower?" Amanda smiled, "I did. You let me sleep, I needed it." Amanda kissed her and Noah. "I missed him." Amanda saw Chinese, "Did you get some for me?" Olivia placed Noah in the playpen to nap. "I did. Let me get you something. Amanda watched her fix a plate and put her egg roll in the air fryer to make it crispy. "Here, all of your favorites."
Amanda smiled because she always took care of her. The only thing is it wasn't new anymore. Olivia proved to be her person. No matter what Amanda did or asked, Olivia never ran from her. "Can we talk about this morning?" Olivia sat forward, this was different. Amanda never did this. "Sure."
Amanda smiled, "Liv, it took last night for me to realize this, but I don't want you to punish me anymore. You deserve better." Olivia was happy but she wished Amanda thought about herself. Amanda held her hand, "I deserve better too." Olivia looked up in surprise. "I'm going to finish therapy and I want you there every time." Amanda ate her food and sat back, "Do I really remind you of yourself?"
Olivia had tears falling, "Oh you were eavesdropping. You do. You know Amanda you and I aren't that different. I had to learn to be loved too." They heard Noah waking up. "How about we get out, get some fresh air, take him to the park, and get some ice cream?" Amanda agreed.
They enjoyed the sun and a family day. Amanda smiled at Noah swinging back and forth. Someone came behind Amanda and covered her eyes. "What? Who is it?" She leaned in and whispered, "I'm not a virgin anymore, but don't tell mom." Amanda laughed, "Oh Lucy!"
Amanda looked at her and knew what Olivia meant when she said she would know. "Luce, I hate to break it to you, but one look at you and she's going to know." Lucy frowned, "She's going to kill me." Amanda laughed, "Luce, she's not. How about being honest."
Olivia came over with Noah and he stood up clapping. He tried to walk and fell. Amanda smiled, "Liv, he's going to walk before he turns 1." Lucy blurted out, "I had sex last night." Amanda looked up and covered her mouth. Olivia had her mouth open and even Noah stopped clapping. Amanda fell out laughing and Olivia shook her head. "Well congratulations, Luce. I'm glad Noah doesn't know what you're talking about."
Amanda was rolling and Lucy popped her butt, "You made me do that. I thought you were my sister." Olivia and Amanda looked at Lucy pouting. "Hey I am your sister. Let me let you in on a little secret. I know you miss your mom, but Liv isn't mom Luce. Whether it's my mom or Liv's mom that weren't really moms or your mom who was your everything. No one can ever take their place. Liv's your sister too, just like me."
Lucy smiled and hugged her tight. "Amanda, I love you." They looked at Olivia, "Yeah Luce, she's just way older." Amanda was on a roll and fell out laughing. Olivia looked at Lucy and winked. Lucy grabbed Amanda and held her down and Olivia and Noah jumped on her, "Get her Noah!" They tickled her until she yelled, "Ok! I give up!" Noah laughed and clapped his hands.
After dinner and showers, Lucy and Noah were out. Olivia fell in bed, "Liv, today was a good day." Sunday was equally good. They spent the morning watching Noah take his swim lesson. Olivia was amazed and frightened at the same time. When the lady threw Noah in the pool, Amanda had to hold her. He came to the surface and flipped right on his and only when it was time to leave. "Liv, you might have a swimmer."
Olivia was supposed to be working on files, but she kept looking at the clock. Amanda sat on the desk beside her, "I know you're waiting for me to act up and change my mind, but I'm going to this time. Are you ready to go?" Olivia was surprised, "Yeah, let's do this."
Alexis hugged them both, "Long time, no see! How's Fin?" Olivia answered, "He's great. The family is great." Alexis invited them in, "Well it's been a while, care to fill me in?" Amanda started explaining what took place Friday and Saturday, "It's been rough. I definitely had a breakdown." Alexis answered, "Seems like you had more of a breakthrough to me. I do have one question before we move on. What made you realize you didn't want to be punished?" They both were shocked when Amanda laughed out loud, "You know when I used to ask people to punish me, I would zone out and not feel anything. I didn't care. When Liv hit me, I felt every inch of it and it hurt."
Therapy was hard as normal. Amanda walked them through the details from before along with the night that followed. Seeing her parents dead in the house. "I had to protect Kim and get her out. I had never seen so much blood in my life. It's one of my nightmares." Alexis gave her some tips. "How do you feel? It's been a while and we talked about these traumas." Olivia and Alexis noticed that she went through her own attack with ease and was calmer. "I think I'm ok. I guess what I'm learning is not talking about it isn't fixing it, which seems backwards to me. I think the more I talk, it gets worse."
They made another appointment but immediately the next week Alexis wanted to keep a closer eye on her. They climbed in the car and headed home. "David cooked and is bringing dinner over. I hope that's ok." Amanda smiled, "Liv?" Olivia drove, but asked, "Yeah?" Amanda took a chance, "I want a baby." Olivia stopped at the light and turned, "Really?" Amanda shook her head, "Not right this minute, but when we are married, yes. What do you think?" Olivia smiled, "I think it's perfect, just like you."
