"Why didn't you shoot Gitano?"
"He was using a child as a shield."
"How could you let him get so close to you?"
"There were innocent civilians around, I couldn't get a shot."
"Well he got close and Ryan is dead."
"So this is my fault?"
"You know I can't do this anymore. I can't be looking over my shoulder making sure you're okay."
"You son of a bitch, you know that's not true,"
"I need to know that you can do your job and not wait for me to come to the rescue,"
"Alright that's enough!" Cragen bellowed interrupting them
"Knock it off. In case you've forgotten, there's still a little girl out there with a psycho and if we're lucky he still hasn't slit his throat. If I have to say this again to you, you're both suspended."
As the words flew out of his mouth he regretted them. Seeing the look on her face as she heard the words he had thrown in her face, in front of the whole precinct as he questioned her ability as a cop, as his partner, made his chest tighten, but it was too late. He may as well have taken a swing at her. He turned and walked away leaving her reeling in his words.
Olivia was angry, but more than that, she was hurt. It hurt enough that he dismissed her at the crime scene earlier. Not being able to look at her as she was treated, not even checking to make sure she was okay and when she attempted to comfort him, he lashed out on her. But it wasn't just Gitano. It wasn't just about losing Ryan. He had been a bear for weeks. He had been more snippy of late. Even more short tempered that he already was. Things with Kathy had taken a turn for the worse. They had been separated for about a year and divorce papers were already drawn, things were seemingly civil, almost friendly and then they were fighting again. This time the kids had become a pawn. His visitations were now dependent on her good graces. Which more often than not, was not in his favour. Olivia was over their drama. Olivia was over feeling like she was a catalyst. She was well aware of Kathy's unfounded accusations and suspicions. In their new bouts of marital war, Liv had lost the grace she once held in the name of their marital harmony.
Exhaustedly she made her way home. Tomorrow would be another day and one she wasn't looking forward to. She was tired and all she wanted was to sleep for days but with Gitano still not in custody, sleep was a pipe dream. For now that Cap had taken some pity on them, or more on her and sent them home for a few hours before resuming the search for Gitano. Captain Cragen had given her a subtle glance as if checking to make sure she was okay. The look in her eyes told him all he needed to know. That she was barely hanging on. She understood Elliot's conflict and she knew had the choice been hers, she would have taken the same path. Would she react the way he was acting like now, no but that's what balance them out, or at least had balanced them out. Now she's not entirely sure that was the case anymore. She thought it would be different, better even once they had separated and to some degree it was, but it also wasn't. Most especially these last couple of weeks. The guilt of a failed marriage hung off him and was palpable. It wasn't that he still loved Kathy, well he will always love her because she gave him his children who meant the world to him but in love with her. She didn't think so, but in the last couple of weeks she had begun to wonder. Twenty years is a long time.
Elliot looked at his phone itching to pick it up and apologise to her for being an ass, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Everything in him wanted to drive to her place and talk to her. Really talk to her, but he couldn't. He knew he owed her a hell of an apology but he didn't even know where to begin.
"If that Sniper hadn't beaten you to it, I know you would have taken the shot Olivia." He said as she beside him. She glanced at him in disbelief,
"No, I wouldn't have. Did you really expect me to?" Elliot tore his glance away from her and looked to the floor,
"Did you really expect me to cause your death? What about your kids?"
"I don't know. I just couldn't get that boy out of my head."
"What about me?" she asked softly,
"Look we both chose each other over the job. I won't let that happen again. Otherwise, we can't be partners."
"I can't believe you're saying that."
"You and this job are about the only things I have anymore. I don't want to wreck that. I couldn't take it." He said standing to his feet refusing to look at her.
Olivia sighed and stood to her feet. She just wanted to grab her and get away from there. From him. Drag herself into the shower and sit there for hours in attempt to wash away the last couple of hours. As she stood at her locker she heard them come in before she saw them. Their raised voices startled them,
"I can't talk right now Kathy, it's been a day. I just can't." Elliot said in frustration upon her unannounced arrival to the precinct.
"Too bad Elliot, we need to talk. You've been avoiding this conversation for weeks. You owe me that much at least." She said raising her voice.
"You're the one who won't let me see my kids," he yelled back.
"Because you won't talk to me." Elliot's shoulders dropped.
"I know. I'm sorry. I know I owe you and everyone so much more. I'm an ass. I get it. More than you know. I just, it's been a day Kathy." He said with a defeated sigh,
"I want you to come home Elliot," Olivia stilled, they hadn't even noticed her in the room. Slipping away undetected was impossible.
"Not for the kids, but for me. I'm pregnant." Olivia felt her knees buckle,
"Well that explained a lot," she said to herself finally pin pointing the source of his mood,
"Sorry guys, let me get out of here and you can continue." Olivia finally spoke, bag and jacket on hand. Elliot's head turned sharply to look at her. Olivia's face showed no emotion, her eyes eerily calm. Kathy glanced up at Olivia,
"Hey Liv," she greeted somewhat apologetically,
"Hey Kath, congratulations." Liv replied with a smile and without looking at Elliot she slipped out of the locker rooms.
Cragen with a hand on his head was signing off on the paperwork for the Gitano case. This case hit his best detectives hard and he was worried for them. Mostly, he worried for Olivia who admittedly had become like a daughter he never had. He too had noticed with growing concern that Elliot's behaviour had escalated to a point of unpredictable. The previous day's outburst in the corridor was a telling indication of where he was at. Whilst Olivia was patient, he worried that Elliot had pushed too hard. A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts,
"Olivia," he said tentatively,
"Uh Cap, I'd like to take some time off if that's okay. This one hit me hard, and I just need some time to get myself together otherwise I won't be any good to you." She confessed truthfully, an admission he never thought he would ever hear from Olivia Benson,
"Liv,"
"It's that or I want a new partner. You and I both know Elliot and I can't keep going this way. He's clearly in the middle of his own shit storm and I can't help with that if he won't acknowledge he's in the middle of a shit storm. So, whilst I can still recognise we have a partnership, let me take some time out we both know he won't take, because clearly, I'm now his problem. So, I'll take me out of the equation. Otherwise you know, I may end up shooting him myself one day." She added ruefully making him smile.
"I love my job. I love what I do. I know I am good at my job. I just need some time."
"You take all the time you need kid, we'll be here when you're ready." He found himself saying,
"Thank you Cap," Cragen stood to his feet and found himself walking over to her and wrapping his arms around her. Olivia uncharacteristically sunk into his comforting embrace appreciating the sentiment.
"Call if you need anything,"
"Of course," she promised.
"I'll say goodbye to the boys," she said as he released her. She could see that they were all stealing subtle glances at Cragen's office. Elliot was now standing at their desk gathering his belongings whilst his wife waited for him. She could tell he was taking his time to see what was going on in Cragen's office.
"Need me to walk out with you?" Cragen offered knowingly,
"No, but if you could be close behind and run interference, I would be grateful." She replied.
"You got it. You let me know where you are when you get there?" he said knowingly,
"I will." Olivia assured him as she threw on her jacket and slung her bag over her shoulder opening the door to let herself out. She gave him one last smile before heading towards her desk.
"You good?" Elliot asked trying to meet her gaze. Olivia cleared her desk and took out a couple of things out of her drawer,
"Yeah, just going to take some vacation time. This case sucked, so I'm going to take a time out." She answered looking at him, her eyes revealing nothing. For the first time, he was unable to read her. Before he could say anything else Cragen had appeared as promised.
"Later boys. Place nice with each other. Kath, good to see you." Olivia dropped a kiss on Finn's cheek and before she could do the same to Munch he stood to his feet,
"I'll walk you out Liv,"
"Thanks John," she said slipped her arm through his as they walked towards the elevator.
"Your case was that bad?" Kathy observed knowing Olivia, much like her husband never voluntarily took time off.
"Yeah having your throat slit and being taunted about being unable to do your job would do that to a person," Finn replied not looking at Elliot however sending the message loud and clear that he was being held responsible.
"We're not talking a weekend or a week here are we?" John stated quietly,
"Honestly, I haven't thought that far ahead. I just know I need a time out. What that even looks like I don't know. I just know I can't be there right now. You make sure he and Finn don't kill each other?"
"What makes you think I won't kill him,"
"Because you know I don't want you to." John nodded. He kissed her on the temple before hugging her one last time.
"Check in okay? Otherwise I will have to be a detective and find you and I would rather not."
"Well we can't have that. I'll be in touch John. I'm not going to disappear from your life. You're family. Look out for them, Cragen too."
"I will. You come back okay? Whether you know it or not, you are the heart of this team,"
"Shucks John, you make me want to cry."
"I mean it." Olivia nodded.
"I appreciate that."
Olivia threw her bags in the back seat of her rental car. Not having a set destination made it difficult to book flights anywhere so she had opted to rent a car and drive for a bit to nowhere in particular. All she wanted and needed was time to herself. To breathe a little and just clear her head. It wasn't a lie that she needed to take a moment. As Kathy dropped her bomb, she was left in the wake of that impact. More than she'd care to admit. If she were truthful, she knew that she and Elliot could never go back to where they were. After their scene at the precinct, she wasn't sure if she could work with him again. Whilst she understood the why behind it, knowing everything now, she knew she couldn't. She didn't want to. The more she thought about it, the more she knew she didn't. She loved her job yes. Could she do it without him, she always thought no. But hearing him say to her what he did, and that he was willing to walk away from her because they had decided to choose each other over the job, she found that hard to reconcile. After everything they have been through. She was working through her all of her stages of grief and she had made it to anger.
"Hey Liv, it's me. I just, I'm. Call me?" Elliot said softly to her voicemail, not at all surprised she wasn't answering her phone. Between yelling at her, telling her they couldn't be partners and Kathy's bombshell. He couldn't exactly blame her. He ran his hands over his face. He had just put the twins to bed and Kathy had fallen asleep waiting for him to come to bed. He hadn't agreed to move back home, but he did drive back to Queens with her, when deep down all he wanted to do was drive over to Olivia's house to apologise for what he had said to her, and for everything else. Seeing the blank look in her eyes as she looked back at him broke something in him knowing that at that moment, what he had always been privy to, he no longer was. Whilst Liv was always so closed off to everyone else, she never hid from him. Until now. Her rawness was a gift he took for granted and it hurt deeply to realise that now, knowing that he had changed them. That they will never be the same and she will never know just what she means to him.
A week had passed, then another. At the beginning of the third week Elliot was not only unhinged, but completely undone. He had not heard from her at all. His voicemail and text messages had remained unanswered. He realised eventually that she had handed her phone in to Munch. He knew he had a personal phone which she never ever used. He started calling her there too, but that also remained unanswered. He had dropped by her apartment after a few days, but he could tell she hadn't been home for days. He found himself going there at the end of each day hoping that one day she would be there, and each day, she wasn't. He knew that she touched base with Cragen regularly, Finn and Munch too. Judging from the looks and Casey's curt manner towards him that she was well versed in what had gone down between them.
"Liv, please…" he said somewhat desperately into her voicemail. He missed her in a way he's never missed anyone before. Whilst he thought the worst possible pain was having his wife leave him with his children, Liv's sudden departure was like having a limb ripped from his body and absence of her was like a phantom pain that just hovered over him.
Olivia ended up at her friend Jo Danville's on the first night. In happenstance, she had called her on her personal phone after being unable to reach her on her work phone. The kids were with her ex-husband for the weekend and she wanted to know if Liv was free for a night out knowing that she could always use a girls night. Liv who still had not made a decision about which direction to go, took her up on it. Jo and Liv had known each other for years and their connection was instantaneous. When Jo moved to New York it afforded her a girlfriend she never really had. The boys were great, Melinda and Casey too, but having Jo was different. It was someone outside her workplace, but was their worlds similar enough that she knew what it was like. Jo was a straight shooter, much like Olivia. She was fiercely protective of Olivia and vice versa. In the same token, they challenged each other and spurred the other on. On that first night Jo didn't ask questions, they merely ordered pizza and nursed a glass of wine whilst watching movies. Jo knew enough to know that Olivia would talk when she was ready. In that moment, Olivia just needed to know she wasn't alone. And, she wasn't. Truth was Olivia was never really alone, if she would allow herself to be loved in a way she questions whether she deserves. She was surrounded by people who loved her, but her own perception of self as a result of all that she had been through has clouded that part of her that could believe she deserved it. When they were at brunch post a run the following day, Olivia had told her about the Gitano case and what Elliot had said to her.
"What an ass hat move!" Olivia laughed at her friend's reaction,
"I haven't even gotten to the best part,"
"How was that not the worst part?" Jo asked in disbelief,
"It would appear that he went back to his wife and got her knocked up."
"Shut the front door! Are you kidding me?"
"Oh I wish I were."
"That son of a…" Olivia placed a reassuring hand on her friend's shoulder,
"Are we even shocked? I mean are we really? I'm just over the drama. If he doesn't think we can be partners, then so be it."
"Want to come to CSI?" Jo teased,
"What do you get commission if I do?" Olivia retorted amused. Whilst Jo's job was fascinating to her, it was different for her. For her it was different, she loved what she did and she loved the connections she was able to make and being able to help her victims.
"Well there's always the BAU if Emily Prentiss had her way." Jo added referring to one their friend, making Olivia laugh.
"What's your next move?"
"Take the time I've asked for and take several moments to pull myself together and decide what I want to do for me, and not what's best for Elliot. It's been so long I don't even remember what it's like to make a decision about me without taking him into consideration. Why should I consider his feelings when he clearly has no regard for mine?" Jo remained quiet knowing that Olivia was now processing her anger.
"You know eventually he will call me if you keep dodging his calls."
"He's the one who said we can't be partners right?"
"I can't defend him because I think it was a dick move, however in saying that I can see why that revelation would break him."
"His wife can put him back together. I'm tired of making their marriage work." Jo didn't have an answer for that, as it was a valid statement.
