Maleah Elinor Benson was born with two of her sisters holding her mother's hands. Jo and Don had offered their place to which they accepted gratefully. They wanted to stand in for their father as well as be there for a woman they had grown to love as they grew up. As they got older they saw just how much Olivia had poured into their family. That her depth of character would never allow for an affair between her and their father despite their mother's open accusations. Their heart broke that their father had missed this moment, how he would have to live with not being there. That Olivia had to endure it alone. The girls were ushered out of the room after Maleah was born. They each got to hold her briefly and Kathleen had cut the cord with Olivia's consent and blessing which brought all of them to tears.
Olivia held their baby in her arms and wept. As happy as she was to hold a child born from their love, she finally allowed herself to mourn the loss of him. Looking at Maleah Elinor Benson filled her with a love that she's never felt before. She never thought it was possible to love someone so much after so little time. She felt like her heart would burst. All she wanted to do was tell Elliot about her and wept knowing she couldn't.
"I'm sorry my love for bringing you into my mess. Know that no child has ever been more wanted. That I will love you enough. That you will always belong. You will never be without love." Don's heart broke as he stood at the door listening to her. Wordlessly he stood beside her and dropped his lips to her head.
"That goes for you too Liv. You will always belong, and you will never be without love."
Elliot walked into the precinct to see that John and Finn inside Cragen's office with the doors closed which was strange as Cragen was on leave. He could tell they were on a video call on Finn's iPad.
"She's beautiful Liv, just like her Momma. We will make our way there for a visit soon. Let us know if you need anything."
"I will thanks boys. Say bye to Uncle Finn and Uncle Munch Lady Bug." Maleah merely gurgled in response which was enough for her doting uncles.
Elliot's thoughts were interrupted by a message from Kathleen who was on a trip with Maureen. She was checking in as promised to let him know they were okay. He missed his girls, especially Kathleen who had become his confidant and best friend in the absence of Olivia.
As Liv hung up from Munch and Finn she looked at her daughter. They had finally sent everyone home leaving them by themselves until the following morning. Thoughts of Elliot consumed her, it was hard not to as she looked at her daughter who was a spitting image of her father, piercing blue eyes to boot. Her phone pinged telling her she had a message. She predicted it was one of the Stabler girls checking on her. She froze to see Elliot's name. Her heart rate quickened as she held her first phone in her hand,
"Liv, I don't even know where to start. I'm sorry is probably a good start. I truly am. There's so much I should have said. I should have begged you to forgive me. Begged you to stay. You have to know in my heart that's what I wanted to do. We need to talk Liv. Can we please talk? Will you please let me explain."
"Liv," Elliott answered on the first ring with a hoarse voice,
"We need to talk Elliot, you don't owe me explanations but we need to talk."
"Are you okay?" He asked concerned,
"I'm fine Stabler,"
"Liv, I chose wrong." The weight of his words hit her,
"I love you. I've always loved you and I'm so sorry I wasn't honest about how I feel. That I let so many things come before that. Liv, if I could take it all back I would. I want to be with you. All I want is you. This last year, not having you. Liv, I'm so sorry. Liv, that night with Kathy was one night before we got together. It was after the Royce case and I was a wreck. I went to see my kids. She offered me a beer and we sat on the couch. It was familiar, and I was so lost that night and it happened. It never happened again. A few weeks after that you and I kissed, the rest you know. But Liv nothin ever happened after you and I kissed, I swear. Kathy wanted me to come home after that night and I said no. That's why she started withholding visitation. It got so nasty in those weeks that followed and she made it so hard. That's why I was more of a prick than usual. You were so patient, you're always so patient. When we went for that walk at Central Park and we were leaning over the bridge talking and I kissed you. That was the most honest moment of my life and Liv is scared the pants off me. You were the only thing in my life that made sense. You were the only thing that allowed me to breathe or feel human. That day with Gitano, I knew I chose you because I loved you. We hadn't talked about love but I felt it in my bones and the image of you laying there Liv." She could hear the panic in his voice as he relived that moment,
"I'm fine Elliot," she found herself reassuring him.
"When you left, I figured you had enough and rightfully so. I didn't scour the world looking for you because you deserved to start a new. But Liv I wanted to so badly. I also knew that I couldn't come to you until I could offer myself wholeheartedly. You deserve more than the scraps left behind."
"What does that mean exactly?"
"That night of your last night. I couldn't go to dinner with you guys because Kathy and I had an appointment with our lawyer. We were finalising our divorce. I was going to tell you that night after because I wanted to be free before that conversation but when I went to your apartment, you didn't answer and I thought you weren't home or just didn't want to see me. I sat outside your porch until midnight and you didn't come home. I realised I could never go home to Kathy because she wasn't home. You are. You've always been. In those last few weeks you were back Kathy and I argued back and forth. I told her I didn't want to come home, that I will still be there for the baby, but it wouldn't be fair to anyone if I came home a shell of a person, because Liv without you, that's all I am. Eventually she gave up that fight."
"Why didn't you tell me until now,"
"Because the divorce wouldn't be final for a year, and I didn't want to junk into us without being completely free. I also didn't want to disrupt your life. I didn't know if you would ever forgive me and I didn't want to undo what progress you've had in moving on from me,"
"Why now?" She asked wondering if someone had told him,
"Something in my heart wouldn't let up. The last couple of days I just couldn't shake the thought of you, which is an every day occurrence but these last couple days, it was different. Liv, if you want me to walk away I will. I understand. I don't deserve you. I just wanted to tell you before, so that if there was a chance, I wanted to take it." Olivia sighed, clearly they were connected.
"That's a lot of information and I want you to know I heard you. I just don't know if my head can wrap itself around it right now. I'm sorry things didn't work out with you and Kathy. I'm sorry that it's been a hard year, for all of us. Can you just give me a little time?" Elliot released a breath slowly. She didn't shoot him down, which was what he was expecting.
"Take all the time you need Liv. I'm not going anywhere."
"There's something I need to tell you. But it needs to be in person."
"Name the time and place and I'm there." Olivia chuckled,
"Well it's not quite that simple,"
"Liv, where are you?" He asked,
"Hawaii, a little town near the North Shore to be exact."
"Let me work out leave and flights and I will be there ASAP."
"Okay, let me know and I'll send you the details."
"I will. Liv,"
"Yeah,"
"Thank you. I miss you."
"Bye El,"
"Well little one, I guess we're going to need to give Gramps a heads up that your Daddy will be applying for some time off hey," she said to her daughter who remained asleep in her arms. She let Elliot's words sink in. She wasn't sure if she would be able to trust him with her heart again, but she knew that she needed to tell him about their daughter. She owed him that much.
Olivia gave Don a quick call to let him j no one that she had asked Elliot to come to talk but she hadn't told him about Maleah, as she didn't feel that was a phone conversation type of news to give to the father of her child. She had explained to the girls that she had spoken to their father and that he would be coming to Hawaii to talk.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about where they were at. He wanted to tell you himself. He said that he didn't handle it very well and you deserved better than how he did it. So he wanted to come to you, when he was free to do so. That when he did he wouldn't be taking no for an answer."
"Leen, you have nothing to apologise for. He had his reasons just as I did for not telling him about Maleah until now."
Elliot's leave was granted. He would be arriving the day after Don, Jo and Maureen were due back. Kathleen was going to stay a little longer to help with Maleah. Elliott was more than surprised to find his daughter at the airport to pick him up,
"Nice vacay destination kid. I should have known." All his girls had told him what they were going on a beach trip. They had failed to tell him where.
"Well I was of hearing about the sunshine and beach. Every time I FaceTimed Liv the browner she got and we just wanted in on the action. Are you mad?" Elliot dropped his lips to her temple,
"Of course not. I'm glad you guys keep in touch and that you still have her,"
The drive back to Olivia's place was filled with stories of Dickie and Liz and their new little brother. When they pulled up to her place Kathleen turned to her Dad.
"Give her time, and space. It's been hard for both of you. I know you love her Dad and she loves you. Just give her time."
"Leen, I'd wait a lifetime for her. I'm in this. I'm not going anywhere."
"Good, she'll need you. She needs you, even if she says she doesn't or pushes you away, okay?"
"Yeah Sweetheart, I got it."
"Good."
Olivia heard the car pull up and placed her daughter in her crib. She came to meet them out front. Elliot's heart almost leapt out of his chest at the sight of her. She was beautiful. She was wearing ripped jeans and an oversized shirt, hair in a loose pony tail. Sun kissed and rosy cheeked, she'd never looked healthier. Happier and content. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her.
"Leen, I might talk to your Dad out here for a bit, are you okay to,"
"Yep, no problem." She answered knowing Olivia was asking her to keep an eye out on her little sister.
"Stabler," she greeted with a nod,
"Liv,"
"Thanks for coming. I would have come back for the conversation but a little complicated at the moment."
"Have you been convicted with a crime and on house arrest?" He teased,
"Not quite," she answered with a chuckle.
"Listen, there's no way to say. When I first took time off, I came here. I felt for the first time. At peace. Like I could just switch off. I didn't have to hear your voice, feel you touch, or be surrounded by constant reminders of you. Of us. I knew your code is family first and I wasn't going to get in the way of that regardless how much I wanted you to choose me. To choose us. When I asked you in my apartment what you wanted, I knew by your answer that I couldn't continue working with you. Forget partners, I couldn't be in the same room as you. After everything we've been through. I knew I was in love with you. So I did what Olivia Benson does. She runs. There's nothing more sobering that having the love of your life choose what's right over you. Whilst it was honourable and certainly one of the reasons why I loved you, knowing I wasn't enough. I couldn't stay."
"It was never that you weren't enough Liv,"
"So I handed in my papers to Cragen. Hawaii was the first place I've felt at peace and I wanted to hold on to that for as long as I could.I hadn't planned to stay as long as I did. I was going to travel. Find a job. But about a month in I collapsed and landed myself in hospital." Elliot's eyes clouded with panic and worry.
"I'm okay," she said trying to reassure him.
"It was then I found out I was pregnant," Elliot's eyes filled with tears,
"Oh Liv,"
"We have a daughter. Maleah Elinor Benson, and if you want Stabler."
"Yes, I want. Are you okay? Is she okay?"
"Shes fine. Sleeping. Chances are when we walk into the house she'll be in her sister's arms which is one of her favourite places to be. She has claimed Kathleen as hers. I'm not sure she'd be willing to part with her once she's ready to go back to the mainland."
"Elinor!"
"I wanted her to have a part of you. I wasn't sure, and I just wanted her to hve a part of you."
"Thank you." he replied gratefully.
"Would you like to meet her?"
"I'd love nothing more, maybe except. Liv, can I hug you?" He pleaded,
"Sure," she responded hesitantly. Elliot wasted no time and pulled her into his arms and held her close. Olivia closed her eyes and breathed him in. How she missed him. How her heart ached for him.
"Let's go so you can meet our daughter."
She said after a few minutes and stepped out of his embrace,
"I'd love that."
As predicted Maleah was in Kathleen's arms. Kathleen stood to her feet and walked over to their father,
"Hey Lady Bug, this is our Daddy. He's the best ever kid," she introduced as she gently placed her in his arms.
"Hi Baby girl, I'm your Daddy. I love you and your Mama so much little one. You're beautiful just like her." Kathleen looped an arm through Olivia's offering her support and reassurances. Olivia looked over at Kathleen and kissed her cheek. The exchange was not at all missed by Elliot.
"Liv, she looks just like you."
"I don't know, she popped out and she was all Stabler."
"Well the Benson is definitely starting to show."
"I should hope so." Olivia joked,
"Listen Liv, I'm going to run to the markets. Need anything aside from what's on the list?"
"No honey, all good. Take my card,"
"Take mine," Elliot said handing her his wallet,
"Sorry Liv, you got overruled." Kathleen said apologetically taking her Dad's card out before kissing them all as she headed out.
"I don't know how I feel about being outnumbered by Stabler's 2.5 to 1.5," she commented as she sat down on the couch throwing her head back on the couch suddenly exhausted.
"How is she sleeping at night?" He asked somewhat knowingly,
"Yeah not too bad. She feeds every few hours, sleeps, poops and we do it all again."
"The good life," he said with a laugh.
"Motherhood agrees with you Liv. I always knew you'd be a great Mom,"
"I never thought it would happen you know. She's such a gift and I'm grateful to have her. I never thought it was possible to love anyone as much as I loved you, but the moment I knew she existed that changed.
"Liv, I want to be a part of her life. I want to be a part of yours. I want to continue what we started. I know I don't deserve it but I am asking you for another chance,"
"Elliot, you will never not be a part of her life. I would never do that to you. You can see her as much as you like. I've talked to Don, I'm going to move back to New York after the summer. I want Maleah to be surrounded by her family and as much as Hawaii has become home and I am part of this community. I would be doing her a disservice if she was so far away from you and her siblings. Not to mention her Gramps, pseudo aunts and uncles. Don never handed in my paperwork. He let me use my annual leave until it was time for maternity leave.I have the year off and I can reevaluate from there."
"I know you'd never keep her for me Liv, and that means more to me than I can say."
"You're her father,"
"Liv, and us?"
"I can't answer that one for you. I wish I could. It's a bit of a mine filed up here," she said pointing to her head,
"And here too." She said pointing to her chest.
"As I said Liv, take you time. I'm not going anywhere."
