Trigger Warning: Mentions of euthanasia, suicidal ideation, victor prostitution and substance abuse.
Manel
I never realised that presidents can still have bad days.
Breakfast was interrupted by a lovely video from my ex-boyfriend, the rebel propagandist. Then I visited my mother in the hospital, where's she's still in a coma. Then I received news of several successful rebel attacks in District 8. Given that Lumas Taffeta is probably involved, I expect my peacekeepers will be finding the mutilated bodies of their comrades soon. Then Ramona Hirose tried to escape and, already frustrated over the atrocities her boyfriend was committing in District 8, I thought I'd threaten her a little.
I think I made a mistake not letting Ramona go when I had the chance. I thought she'd be fine as long as her cell was comfortable. I'm not Snow, after all. Then she started starving herself and her boyfriend started wreaking havoc in District 8. I asked my advisors if I could let Ramona go, just to get Taffeta to back off. They said it would make me look weak and only encourage more rebels to resort to more extreme measures to get what they want. They also said that, if she kept starving herself, I'd have to have her force fed.
I honestly forgot that one of the potential side-effects is vomiting… and Ramona is terrified of vomit.
I saw the look in her eyes as she started throwing up. I know she'll never forgive me. But maybe I've scared her into eating more, which I suppose was what I was hoping for. She's better off scared and angry than dead.
It's hard to tell what I want, these days. I know I want to beat the rebels but I don't want to make the districts suffer. I don't think I want to make anyone suffer. Apart from the really nasty rebels. I thought becoming president would make me feel powerful but, really, it's just given me a front row seat to see my country fall apart.
I get given tough decisions every day. Every time I have the opportunity to do something nice, like set Ramona free, I'm told I shouldn't do it because it'll make me look weak. And, if I look weak, the rebels attack harder.
Sometimes, I'm scared I'm becoming a tyrant like Snow. But I'm terrified of losing the war.
I wouldn't change a thing, though. After all, if I hadn't become president, I would've never met Eidolon.
It's evening when I walk to Eidolon's room. I always wait until the evening, when I've made it through all the bad news of the day. His room is on the ground floor. His therapist thought it would be wise to keep him away from upstairs windows in case he felt tempted to jump. The windows are all bulletproof glass but there's some debate over whether they're Eidolon-proof. He's one of the biggest and strongest people I've ever met.
That's one of the reasons why they wanted to euthanise him. It wasn't just because he was mute and suicidal from trauma. It was because he's so powerful that he could easily accidentally kill someone. The doctors called Eidolon a danger to himself and others. They said he'd be in pain every moment he was still alive and the only merciful thing would be to kill him.
But I took one look at Eidolon and knew he was much stronger than anyone else realised. He may have had his throat torn out by Enobaria Rossetti, causing his clone to be so traumatised that he couldn't speak. He may have been unable to save his sister from some poisonous fog in the Quell.
But I know what it's like to lose family members. I'd spent enough time befriending avoxes to know that being unable to speak can make someone feel isolated. I could tell that all the words were there inside Eidolon. He just couldn't get them out.
I promised myself I'd help him. I'd give him somewhere safe to live where he could overcome his trauma. If I could only do one good thing as president, I'd want it to be saving Eidolon Wrack.
I knock on the door. Eidolon answers it with a brilliant smile. I love it when he smiles. It's a sign that he can be happy here.
Hi, Manel, he signs.
"Hi," I say. "Can I come in?"
Eidolon nods. He holds the door open for me and I walk inside.
Eidolon's room is pretty cluttered. He has a lot of things just lying around, books and board games and half-finished model boats. Even though he's allowed to be in most of the rooms in my mansion, he spends most of his time here, trying to find something to do with all his free time. He's not used to having free time at all, having spent most of his life training for the games. I understand what it's like. I struggled to adjust to life without a job after I won my games. It must be even harder for Eidolon, since he has all his trauma to contend with. He used to like working out but now he can't do that anymore because he's scared of his own strength. Now he fills his time with hobbies unless someone comes to visit him.
Eidolon doesn't get many visitors, though. He has a therapist and I hired one of my avox friends, Echo, to teach him sign language when it became clear I was too busy with the war to plan all the lessons. He's starting to make friends with Houghton Field, one of the other tributes rescued from the Quell, who visits the mansion every week. I have to make sure that, no matter how busy I get, I have to see him every day. I know that Eidolon gets anxious when meeting new people and I'm one of the few people he knows. I'd hate for him to feel lonely.
Besides, I love being around him. He's kind and funny and smart. I can tell he's happy to be around me as well and I like making Eidolon happy.
We sit down on the sofa together. Eidolon reaches for the TV remote and I flinch. I don't want to watch TV. I don't want the rebels to hack their way into the system and invade my sanctuary in Eidolon's room. Especially since their broadcast is most likely to contain my ex-boyfriend and the hacker who got him onto the airwaves is most likely the woman who stole him from me.
"No," I say. "I don't want to watch TV. Can we do something else?"
Why? Eidolon signs.
"There's a very bad man on the TV," I say.
Eidolon sighs and reaches for a pen and a pad of paper. He hasn't been learning how to sign for very long so he still has to write a lot to communicate.
What did he do? He writes.
I've grown to trust Eidolon with all my secrets. He can't hide his vulnerability from me so it only seems fair that I let him see my vulnerable side. A week or so ago, I told him about how I spent six years being sold to Capitol citizens by President Snow. I cried a little, just from remembering all the times I'd been abused.
I let Eidolon hug me. It was a very nice hug.
I take a deep breath. "Do you remember Fawkes Chau?"
Eidolon nods and starts writing. He was in the Quell but I never really paid him much attention. I saw him give a speech on TV the other day. It was pretty good, even though he's a rebel.
I put my head in my hands. That's the problem with Fawkes. He's good at talking.
"Don't listen to anything he says," I say. "He's the enemy. He's probably lying. That's what he does. He draws you in with his pretty eyes and he lies."
I choke slightly on the last word, overcome by emotion.
You're right about the eyes. Eidolon writes. They ARE pretty. How do you know Fawkes? Did you meet him at some point? I don't think you were in the same games. He's not from Ten, right?
"No, he's from Three," I say. Eidolon still isn't completely caught up on all the games that happened between his death and the Quell. He can't watch the reruns of them because hates violence. "His games were three years after mine. I did know him though. He… he was my boyfriend."
Eidolon gasps. His pen hovers above the paper.
"Does that bother you?" I ask.
Eidolon bites his lip. He nods.
My blood runs cold. I feel tense. This is what I've been scared of my entire life, telling someone I care about that I'm gay and having them turn on me.
But then Eidolon starts writing. He alternates between hurriedly scribbling out words and hesitating and crossing things out. He tilts his pad up so I can't see what he's writing. It's only when he turns it around that I know what he's thinking.
You dated the most gorgeous nerd I've ever seen and now you act like he's your mortal enemy. Did he hurt you?
Then he adds.
That's what bothers me. Not that you had a boyfriend. I'm glad you like boys. What was it like, being with another guy?
I almost sob with relief. Then it turns into regret when I remember my first kiss with Fawkes.
"I thought it would never happen," I say. "I mean, sometimes my… clients were male but I never thought what we had was anything close to love. Then I met Fawkes. We were in an elevator together. And I- it's hard to explain. I just felt drawn to him. Suddenly we were flirting and I don't know who started it. Fawkes just got into my head. We kissed and… it just made sense."
I break down. I hate myself every time I remember that kiss. The joy it made me feel has been twisted against me so many times.
Eidolon squeezes my shoulder. There's something in his eyes, something that could almost be desire. For a second, I'm scared he might lean across and kiss me. My eyes move down to the curve of his lips.
I realise I need to stop thinking about Eidolon kissing me. It's a scary thought.
But I have no idea why.
"Then he died," I get my voice back. "And I… I started doing drugs because my life was just so awful. It wasn't just Fawkes. I wanted to make myself ugly and sick, so either the Capitol would stop using me or I'd die. But he'd given me hope and taken it away from me. I stopped when he came back. I just depended on him too much. I thought he'd make everything perfect again. And he did. We kissed just like before and I really thought… he loved me."
There are tears spilling down my face. I keep talking. I want to get this over with.
"Then he pulled away. He told me he'd been lying to me the whole time. He didn't want me and he never had. I begged him to stay and he just walked away from me."
Eidolon writes and I blink my tears away so it's not too blurry to read.
He dumped YOU? He must be an idi-
He crosses out the last sentence and corrects himself.
I know how Fawkes died. That mutt was awful. Maybe he just couldn't keep a relationship alive through all the trauma.
I sigh. I was hoping that would be the case.
But I was wrong.
"I talked to Fawkes' escort, Marcus. He says he walked in on him sleeping with his mentor. The first time was a couple days before we even broke up. The second time was the morning after. He cheated on me. And… it gets worse. He joined the rebellion. Snow had me kidnapped and threatened to get Fawkes to stop but he didn't. He didn't even care I was in danger. If I'd relied on him to save me, I would've died. And now he's making those stupid propaganda videos for the rebels. It's like he's taunting me."
Eidolon frowns. That's awful! I guess the rebellion makes sense while Snow was in charge but he should've done something to help you. The cheating doesn't make any sense. How pretty was the mentor? What does it take to get someone to cheat on a guy like you?
"Not much," I say. "Her name is Binah Katayanagi. She used to be Fawkes' district partner. She's a typical Three - smart but not much to look at. That just makes it even worse. Maybe I would've understood if she was beautiful. Fawkes probably only wanted me for my looks, just like all those stupid Capitolites. But Binah Katayanagi… the only thing she had that I didn't was her virginity. The Capitol never sold her. She didn't have any family to threaten. It's almost like he knew, like he was rubbing it in. Maybe the only reason Fawkes dumped me was because he didn't want someone who'd already been used."
Manel, Eidolon writes. I know it's awful what the Capitol made you do but it's their fault. Not yours. Nobody worth loving will ever find you unattractive because of it. If Fawkes left you because of all the people you slept with, then he's a hypocrite because he CHEATED on you. I've never had a boyfriend before but I wouldn't care about all the people he's been with in the past as long as I'm the one he wants to spend his future with. You're a guy worth keeping and if Fawkes can't see that, he needs new glasses.
He reaches out and touches my face, trying to brush my tears away. I'm reminded of Fawkes' hands on my face the night we met. I feel this strange mix of pain and desire.
I never realised how beautiful Eidolon's eyes are. They're a bright, summery blue with streaks of green and grey in the irises.
The realisation jolts through me. Eidolon is handsome.
I realise why I was so scared of him kissing me. Not because it would drag any trauma from past kisses to the surface but because I'd probably enjoy it. I'd fall for Eidolon, just like I fell for Fawkes…
And disaster would be sure to follow.
Stop thinking about him, Manel. He's probably straight, anyway.
But some small, stupid part of me thinks otherwise.
He called Fawkes gorgeous. The stupid voice in my head says. He wanted to know how it felt to kiss a guy…
I tell myself it means nothing.
Eidolon pulls me into a hug. I silently beg my heart to stop racing. I want to pull away but I also love the feel of his arms around me. In this moment, I'm not the President of Panem and he's not just a tribute who barely survived the Quell. We're just two boys who have been hurt. We're trying to heal each other.
We're equals.
Fawkes and I were never equals. I might've been the one in the more powerful position but I feel like he was the one with the power in our relationship. I always wanted him much more than he wanted me.
I don't want Eidolon. We're just friends. That's all we're going to be. I know there's a connection between us and it runs deep. But I'm not ready to test how deep it runs.
I don't know if I ever will.
Manel's struggling to cope with being president during a war. He's definitely out of his depth, which is going to lead him to do a lot of evil things out of desperation. I thought I'd focus more on his bond with Eidolon, though. No matter how much of a villain he becomes, he'll always be a hero for Eidolon. They've both been through a lot of trauma and now they can support each other.
Also, we get to see more fallout from Manel's breakup with Fawkes. It's probably the messiest breakup in the history of Panem (and that includes Coriolanus Snow and Io Jasper). Neither of them know how vulnerable the other really was, which means it'll only get worse and worse until they learn the truth.
Next chapter, we'll see more of what Lumas is up to. Just be warned, it's not very pretty.
