Trigger Warning: suicidal ideation.


Manel

I'm losing the war. Every day, news of more death sweeps in from the districts. It's been happening for less than three months but it feels like a lifetime. It plays on my mind at all times.

They have more soldiers than us, more firepower, more popularity, a more experienced leader. What do we have?

We have Ramona Hirose.

It's becoming disturbingly easy to film videos where I threaten her. It's usually to get the rebels to stop bombing somewhere or let some prisoners go. I try to take comfort in the fact I'm doing this one bad thing to stop other bad things from happening. I have to be careful what I ask for. There are certain things the rebels definitely wouldn't do just to save her - surrender, for example. If I asked them to do something and they refused, I'd have to follow through with my threats or look weak.

But I'm not sure what would be worse about killing Ramona. Knowing that I'd become the bad guy or losing the last piece of power I have over the rebels.

I'm distracted from watching the news from a hologram on my desk by a doctor walking into my office. I know immediately that it's either really good news or really bad.

This is about my mother.

"Is she okay," I ask.

"She's dead," the doctor says. "I'm sorry."

My world falls apart again. I lost my mother when she was avoxed six years ago. Becoming president was my last hope of getting her back. But Snow had put her in a coma and, no matter what the doctors tried, she just wouldn't wake up.

Sometimes I wonder if she'd just given up on life.

Now, I need to give up on ever getting her back. I spent six years selling my body for nothing.

"What happened?" I growl, knowing that I'll need to destroy whoever's responsible.

"The rebels took District 6. They blocked all trains to the Capitol, including the one carrying the medicine we needed. We were running out but we expected that train to arrive without an issue."

I punch the desk, making the wood splinter. I know that, after painting District 8 red with peacekeeper blood, Lumas Taffeta moved on to District 6. He might have been less vicious but he didn't stop fighting. Pretty much immediately after my first video with Ramona, the rebels released one in retaliation where Taffeta promised he'd stop using torture but the only thing that would get him to stop fighting and settle down in District 13 was Ramona Hirose released unharmed.

Maybe I should've given in. He's a major force behind the rebels' most aggressive attacks in the districts. I just know that, when the rebels took District 6, Taffeta was the one leading the charge.

My mother is dead because of him.

I turn to the nearest peacekeeper. "Take Ramona Hirose to the cells. Have her beaten. Film it. I want Taffeta to see every second of it."

"How badly, sir?"

Suddenly, I feel sick with guilt. I'm going to have an innocent woman beaten. But then I remember my mother was innocent. She was avoxed because my district partner's father had enough influence to have her avoxed. She suffered because of the girl I failed to save, because of my mistake.

I imagine the look on Lumas Taffeta's face as he watched his girlfriend suffer for his actions and I steel myself. I want to make him feel exactly the same pain as me.

"Nothing permanent. Don't kill her. Take her to the hospital when you're done filming. We're punishing her boyfriend, not her."

The peacekeeper nods and leaves. Then I reach for my communicuff. I call Deimos Storm, my peacekeeper general.

"Storm," I say. "In one hour, launch everything."

"Everything?"

"Okay, maybe not the nukes," I amend. "I want to make the rebels suffer."

I hang up. There's pure destructive rage coursing through me. I need to get to Eidolon before I fall apart or hurt someone else. He's been one of my only sources of comfort over the last few months. He's the one reminder that I'm capable of doing something good.

I run to his room and burst through the door. It slams against the wall, startling Eidolon. I feel a stab of guilt but then he sees it's me and recovers.

"She's dead," I sob. That's all I need to say.

Eidolon wraps his arms around me, enveloping me with warmth. I bury my face in his shoulder. His hands stroke down my back. He murmurs to me, softly. He can't form any words but I don't need words. I just need Eidolon to comfort me.

All the rage melts away. I realise that hundreds - maybe thousands - of people are going to die because of what I've just done. I feel so empty. I wonder what the point of being alive is. Now the one person who kept me from killing myself for the last six years is dead, what's stopping me now?

I know. Eidolon's stopping me. He gives me hope I can be happy in the future, that I can heal.

Carefully, he guides me over to the sofa and lets me curl up against his chest. I can feel his heartbeat, slow, steady and reliable.

He's alive. I still have someone left. I've lost my mother but I haven't lost everything.

I stop crying and start piecing myself back together. Eidolon reaches for a notepad and pen.

I'm sorry. he writes. You deserve so much better, Manel.

He draws a clumsy heart next to my name. I smile, despite everything. Maybe I don't deserve better. Maybe I'm a monster. But Eidolon is living proof that I can do something good. I deserve more than just pain.

I've been thinking about you for months. he keeps writing. I want you to know that I love you.

I gasp. My heart skips a beat. Nobody has ever told me they loved me before. Not even Fawkes. I suppose that was the one lie he left alone. This is the moment I've been waiting for my entire life.

I never really considered that I was gay. Eidolon writes. I only realised when I met you. You are the most wonderful person I've ever met. You saved my life. I'm so happy whenever you're with me. Whenever I see you like this, I want to hold you in my arms and kiss you, just to make you smile again. But I know you've had so many bad experiences. I'm worried I might cross some kind of line and upset you.

"You won't," I blurt out. "I've been thinking about kissing you as well. I was just scared to ask. I didn't want you to think I was just being nice to you because I expected something in return. You're brilliant, Eidolon. But thanks so much for asking first. It means a lot to me."

Eidolon's eyes light up. I lean in to kiss him. I'm amazed by how soft his lips are. His hands move up to my face. Every touch feels like he's sending me a secret message.

I love you.

Eidolon still has a voice, I realise. It's in his hands. And it's the most beautiful voice in the world. He has his own language and I understand every word.

His fingertips stroke through my hair. He's hesitant but I don't mind. I feel like he's exploring love for the first time. I almost cry because I had that chance to explore, that innocence, taken away from me.

I promise myself that I'll never let Eidolon suffer like I did. I'll do anything to keep him safe.

He pulls away, slowly. His blue eyes are wide and luminous. He blushes. Maybe this was his first kiss.

"You were good," I say. "Better than Fawkes."

Eidolon's eyebrows raise with surprise.

Really? He signs.

I nod.

It's true.

Maybe the knowledge of how badly Fawkes broke my heart is colouring my memories. Maybe the games hanging over us spoiled every time we kissed. Maybe it's just that I prefer the way Eidolon kisses me. He's shyer, gentler, less self-assured. Like he knew how much I'd been hurt. Fawkes had just pretended to know.

I don't think Eidolon is pretending.

"I love you," I whisper.

He doesn't need to sign or write anything. He just rests his hand on my arm and smiles and I know he loves me back.


This is the chapter where Manel crosses the line, his most evil moment. If anything was going to push him over the edge, it would be losing someone he loved, something that has plagued him for years. Now he's going to hurt Ramona and bomb the districts.

But even being a tyrant out of grief doesn't take away Manel's relationship with Eidolon. I knew Manel was going to get a new boyfriend while he was president. It was originally going to be Darius, the avoxed peacekeeper, but then I realised there was another character who was an even better fit. That was the realisation that made me keep Eidolon alive. Both of them have had traumatic experiences and lost people they loved. Both of them are capable of pretty bad things as well (remember when Eidolon killed Sankie?) but never to each other. Admitting his love for Eidolon is a turning point for Manel because it could make him more or less of a bad guy. Will his desire to protect the last person he loves push him to do bad things or will he want to be more worthy of love and try to be a better person? Only time will tell…