Trigger Warning: trauma, one mention of self harm.
Binah
Fawkes and I spend a lot of our spare time watching TV. Sometimes he gets inspiration for one of his propos from the news, jotting down ideas in a notebook. There aren't any chairs in our room so we sit on the bed. It feels a lot more like home than it used to. It's strange how just one string of electric lights and one red blanket can make a place feel warm and cosy.
If the news gets too bad and footage from the war zones gets shown, I hold Fawkes' hand to offer him some comfort. Although, the longer the war goes on, the more I wonder if it's for me rather than him. Everything's a lot more violent and brutal than I imagined it. I thought it would be the powerful people suffering - the gamemakers and the head peacekeepers and the other sadists - but it's clear we're going to have to fight in the districts first, killing the peacekeepers who follow the orders rather than make them and forcing innocent people out of their homes. I know a lot of things have to be done to defeat the Capitol but sometimes I think our soldiers go too far.
When I found out Lumas was torturing people, I cried. I understand why he did it but I don't know if I'll be able to look at him the same way, especially since he doesn't have the excuse of being in the arena. I don't know if our friendship will heal. I don't know if I'll be able to forgive him. I didn't know the peacekeepers he killed. I didn't know what they'd done or if they'd really deserved to die. But I know that they had families and friends who would've rather lost someone they really cared about to a bullet in the head than torture.
At least they didn't have to watch. It's even worse when you have to watch.
I'm always grateful that Fawkes and I are somewhere safe and we don't kill anyone. We just make the propos.
But I don't need to worry today. Today, the news is all about how we took District 6. It's the fourth district to be liberated from the Capitol, after Eight, Four and my home district of Three. Today, we see a district where the fighting has stopped. Nobody else is going to die in District 6. Perhaps it's even going to provide homes to refugees from other districts where the war is still waging. District 6 is giving me hope that the war will end soon. The more the Capitol's supplies are cut off, the weaker they'll get.
Suddenly, the screen fills with static. I know what's coming. One of Lobos' propos. I groan but Fawkes looks up from his notes. Capitol propos are more interesting to him than the news. He likes to study his competition.
"Let's see what kind of state Manel's in," he says.
My gut tells me that something's wrong the moment the video begins. It's grainy and a little blurry. Lobos usually tries to look slick and professional. Fawkes thinks he has an entire team of publicists at his disposal.
Then I see Ramona. She's sitting on the bed in her cell, deep in thought. My throat feels tight.
"She looks different," Fawkes says. "She's not dressed up."
If there's one thing I've learned from helping Fawkes make his propos, it's that appearances mean a lot. He has so many ideas about lighting and camera angles that sometimes I don't understand how he managed to learn so much so quickly. And then there are the costumes… In most of Fawkes' propos, he wears a red suit covered with a galaxy of black spots like particles of soot. He explained to me that it's almost the opposite of Caesar Flickerman's suit and I wondered why I hadn't seen it straight away.
The same rules apply to Lobos' propos. I now know that he always wears a suit because he wants to hide the fact that he's so inexperienced. Ramona is always dressed well, with flawless hair and makeup. Fawkes once told me it's because Lobos wants to show off the luxurious conditions he's keeping her in.
"And, as an added bonus," he'd said. "She looks gorgeous. And everyone wants to rescue the hostage so much more when they're gorgeous. He's trying to tell us that we want to meet his demands and keep her alive more than we want to execute some prisoners."
"But that's what we already think," I'd said. "We don't need Lobos to tell us that."
"Of course that's what we think," Fawkes had replied. "But what about all those soldiers out there who don't know Ramona personally and just want to kill some peacekeepers? They're the ones Manel is trying to get to."
We watch as peacekeepers march into the room, surrounding Ramona.
"What does he want?" she asks, sounding exhausted.
The peacekeepers don't answer. One of them grabs her and cuffs her hands behind her back. She cries out from the shock.
I look to Fawkes. He frowns. I can picture the defences going up as he prepares himself for something terrible.
The peacekeepers pull a bag over Ramona's head and push her out of the room. She screams and struggles to break free.
"They didn't warn her," Fawkes says. His voice is so cold. It's almost like we're back in the arena and he's trying to dissect the Careers with logic. "They want her scared."
"What does that mean?" I ask. My voice shakes.
Over the last few months, Fawkes has grown better and better at disconnecting from violence on a TV screen whenever he needs to. Normally, I can do the same. I mentored doomed tributes for two years.
But Ramona's my best friend. And my last best friend was tortured to death on live television…
The peacekeepers shove Ramona down some stairs and into a cell. I hope they'll leave her alone.
They don't.
The leader of the peacekeepers pushes her up against the cell wall. He tugs the bag down from her head. Ramona barely has time to react before he punches her in the face. I flinch. Suddenly I'm crying. There are tears streaming down my face.
"Okay," Fawkes says. "We're not going to watch any more of that."
He turns the TV off before the peacekeepers can hit Ramona again. But I know they will. She could die. They could beat her to death. I could lose another friend.
"Look," Fawkes says, resting his hands on my shoulders. "We are not going to watch any more of that because there's no way we can help Ramona from just sitting there and watching. Manel was trying to send us a message. So now we just need to find out what was going through his head. Maybe, once we know why he's suddenly being aggressive, we can get him to stop. And, for that, I'm going to need you. Do you think you can help me?"
I look into his eyes, wide, dark and haunted. There's a power in those eyes that I don't usually see unless Fawkes is in front of a camera, weaving a tapestry of pain and hope. I'm surprised he's still able to hold himself together. Maybe this is just his comfort zone, this world of politics and propaganda. This is how he fights, watching the enemy's every move and seeing more than anyone else could.
I nod.
Fawkes smiles, weakly, and hands me my laptop. "Look for something personal."
"Personal?" I ask.
"Things must've changed pretty dramatically to get Manel to lash out like this. It has to be personal."
I nod and open the laptop.
"Does he have any friends?" I ask. "His computer's pretty secure so it'll be easier to target a friend."
"Why would I know his friends?" Fawkes asks. "I was a terrible boyfriend to him, remember?"
He sounds bitter. He'd always felt guilty about how he'd treated Lobos. But, when Fawkes found out about victor prostitution and realised how it must've affected his ex-boyfriend, he had a breakdown. That breakdown led to a nightmare and that nightmare led to an entire day in bed, just trying to recover.
I should've known that guilt over the breakup would cause Fawkes' biggest relapse since the Quell. After all, it was the thing that made him cut himself the night before the Quell. It was the thing that pushed him the furthest.
At least now, Fawkes seems to have accepted that Lobos was a lot more vulnerable than he let on. He clenches his fists, takes a deep breath and lets the past go.
"What about Maia Nuñez?" I ask. "She's his friend. She even stayed behind to protect him from Snow."
"Perfect," Fawkes says.
I start typing. This kind of breaking and entering on Capitol computers comes naturally to me now. Except, this time, I don't want to broadcast a propo. I want to access to every conversation Maia may have had with Lobos recently.
It starts with a Trojan Horse, the a file that, when opened, will give me complete control over Maia's computer. Then all I need to do is send it in a compelling enough package for her to open it. I don't even bother hiding who's sending the file, I just send it under the title We have your parents, Maia Nuñes. I know, the moment she sees it, she'll open it out of fear of what will happen to her parents if she ignores it.
She opens the file quicker than expected. She must've been at her computer. Soon, my computer becomes flooded with messages as the program I'd made Maia accidentally install takes control and sends all the conversations between her and Lobos to me.
The most recent message was sent mere minutes ago. It jumps out almost immediately.
PLEASE READ THIS, MANEL!
I click on the message, ignoring all the others from longer ago. This must be the one that holds the secret to why Lobos suddenly snapped.
I'm really sorry to hear about the death of your mother.
Fawkes swears.
"Poor guy…" he whispers. "She was the last person he had left. No wonder he's upset."
I keep reading.
I hope you're okay. I'm worried about you. I've called you several times but you haven't answered. I've heard you're planning to bomb all the districts and I beg you to reconsider your actions. My boyfriend, Hatchet, is currently in District 13 and I don't want him to die. You know how devastating it is to lose a loved one. If you put me through the same torture, I will stop being friends with you and then you WILL have nobody left. Please talk to me. I'll try to help you through this as much as I can.
Your friend (for now)
Maia
"He's going to bomb the districts?" Fawkes asks. "Including… here?"
Suddenly, he sounds very scared.
"I'll handle things from here," I say.
There's a lot more at stake than Ramona. I can forget about my worry over her for a moment and focus on getting myself and Fawkes to safety.
I send the message to President Coin and get out my communicuff to call her. She needs to know as soon as possible.
"President Coin," I say. "It's an emergency. Lobos is going to bomb us. I've sent you evidence if you need it."
I hang up and look at Fawkes. He's managed to gather his red blanket and his string of lights beneath one arm. He has his cane in the other hand. His fingers drum on the golden phoenix's head handle.
"Are we going now?" He asks. "I can't run very-"
The siren begins before he can even finish his sentence. We walk out the door and follow the stream of people down to the bunker. The people move in a slow and orderly way, like they've practiced it before many times. That's good. I was worried that Fawkes would get swept away by the crowd.
He still looks nervous. The bunker is so far underground, it even unsettles me a little. I squeeze his shoulder, just to tell him he's not alone. Once we get inside, we find our compartment number - 370 - and leave Fawkes at our bunk so I can go to the Supply Station. By the time I get back, he's managed to hang up the lights and spread out the blanket on the bunk.
"What do we do?" He asks, sitting on the edge of the bunk.
"We wait," I reply.
So we wait. An announcement from Coin blares through the speakers to tell us this isn't a drill and there will be a bombing. We knew it already so we curl up together on the bottom bunk. It's supposed to be for only one person but Fawkes and I like sleeping close together.
The first bomb falls before Coin's finished speaking. There's a loud explosion which shakes the walls and makes the lights cut out. Fawkes screams and starts trembling.
"It's okay," I whisper. "You're safe."
He takes a shaky breath and presses closer to me.
I can feel it when Fawkes falls asleep in my arms. He looks so still and peaceful, I have to press my hands to his chest to feel his heartbeat and know he's still alive. I've seen him close to death so many times, it haunts me.
I have fears of my own. I never talk about them with Fawkes. He seems to know what they are, even if he doesn't know the trauma behind them. He knows enough. One night, he woke up when I touched his chest and he just kissed me and told me everything would be fine.
Now I'm too worried about Ramona to sleep. My best friend is in danger. Since Lobos is so devastated by his mother's death, he bombed the districts, it's likely he'll do some real damage to her. I wonder how Maria Lobos died. Was there a rebel assassin in the Capitol who killed her? I wasn't aware of any but I'm mostly in charge of editing and broadcasting Fawkes' propos. I barely have any authority over actual soldiers, which is a shame, because a lot of them are doing things I really don't approve of.
Maybe we weren't responsible for Maria Lobos' death in any way. She was in a coma. Maybe she just died.
Whatever killed her, her son is making sure we all suffer.
Fawkes starts tossing and turning and I force myself to stop thinking about Ramona. There's nothing I can do to help her. But Fawkes is having a nightmare and he needs my attention. I can help him.
He starts whimpering with fear. A few minutes later, he's screaming my name. I stroke my fingers through his hair and whisper to him that it'll all be okay but it's clear I'm not getting through to him. He's trapped in another world where he can't reach me. No matter how much he begs for me, I can't save him unless he wakes up.
Eventually, he comes back to his senses. He blinks.
"Binah…" he whispers.
"I'm right here."
I can tell it was a really bad one by the way he reacts. He kisses me, hard, fast and desperate. There are tears streaming down his cheeks. His entire body is shaking. He tries to speak but he's crying so much he can hardly breathe. I can only whisper comforting words in his ear and press gentle kisses to his face.
I only ask him what happened when his breathing returns to a normal rate. Fawkes only really wakes up from his nightmares after he's talked them through with me. Sometimes it takes hours. The first time he had that awful nightmare about Manel, it took him a whole day to tell me because, every time he tried to speak, he'd manage to choke out a few words and then cry for ages. But it helps in the long run. The second time he had that nightmare, I asked "Was it the Manel one?" and all Fawkes had to do was nod.
"We were going into the arena," Fawkes says, shakily. "And I tied your shoelaces together. I don't know how I did it."
"Neither do I," I say, calmly. "Especially because I wore boots the entire games. I didn't even have shoelaces."
Fawkes gives a little sigh of relief. I know he's going to use that brilliant mind of his to unravel the nightmare, find all the places where his memories were distorted.
"You fell on the mines," he continues. "Like the Nines did."
I pull Fawkes a little closer. I know where this is going.
Both tributes from District 9 in our games were rebels. They jumped on the mines before the bloodbath. Fawkes was caught between the two of them, completely drenched with what remained of them. He'd frozen up and I'd had to drag him away from the bloodbath before someone killed him.
A couple of hours later, the shock seemed to have worn off and he was back to his usual talkative self. The Nines were forgotten, seemingly nothing compared to the other traumatic moments in Fawkes' life. Sure, he was shaken and bloodied but none of the blood was his. He hadn't been hurt at all.
But that was the first time I saw a crack in Fawkes' mask. That was the moment he lost what was left of his childhood innocence.
The explosions above us mean little to me. But they must take Fawkes back to that moment that changed him forever.
"Then you exploded… all over me," Fawkes says. "I drowned in your blood. I couldn't breathe. And I panicked. I tried to fight it. But then I realised I didn't deserve to win the fight because I'd killed you. Then I woke up."
"It wasn't real," I say. "I know it feels real but it isn't. I'm here. I'm fine. Everything's okay."
There's another explosion somewhere above us. Fawkes cries out and buries his face in my shoulder.
"It's okay," I say. "It's not going to get us. I promise. You're safe."
I know it'll take a while for him to believe me but I'll keep trying.
This is a relatively light chapter given that there's a war going on. Binah is probably the least angsty character out of the main five so her POVs are a lot nicer. She's also the least likely to be corrupted by the war. Still, Ramona gets beaten up and the districts get bombed, which makes Binah and Fawkes both relive their first traumatic experiences. Luckily, they have each other for support.
Also, Maia saved everyone in District 13 (including her boyfriend) by accident and will probably get away with it. And I originally wasn't even going to have her in this story aside from a few passing mentions. Not all heroes are POV characters.
