Trigger Warning: PTSD
Fawkes
The first night in the bunker was so hard. Now I feel like I'm just beginning to wake up. We're all slowly getting used to it. People are moving around and chatting to their neighbours.
One of the families staying near us in the bunker is a father and his two sons. I sit on my bunk and watch the man coax his eldest son over while he holds his younger son in his arms. The boy can't be much older than five. He has his hands pressed over his ears.
"Look, Lorry," the man says. "It's the Phoenix."
The boy doesn't look interested. I guess he's more worried about imminent death by bombs than excited about meeting someone famous. The five-year-old has better priorities than I had until I turned nineteen. Either I'm all upside-down or the world is.
I don't know which is worse.
Suddenly, another bomb hits. Lorry starts screaming. The baby starts wailing. I clamp my hands over my ears and and squeeze my eyes shut, mentally preparing myself for the blood to shower over me.
Don't scream. Don't scream. Don't scream.
I take a deep breath. There's no blood. I'm not in the arena anymore. I'm just in the bunker. I can feel Binah's hands on my shoulders. I remember I'm supposed to be this brave rebel hero and I open my eyes.
I take my hands down from my ears. Lorry sees me and does the same. His eyes are wide and curious.
"Are you scared of the noise too?" He asked. "I thought grownups didn't get scared."
I'm about to say I'm not a grownup but I remember I'm nineteen. I'm an adult by District 3 law. I honestly keep forgetting. I feel more like a little kid who's scared of the dark and loud noises and the monster under the bed. I feel like an ageless creature who's seen everything and knows that he has a good reason to be afraid.
"Everyone gets scared sometimes," I say. "Some people get scared all the time and they're the real brave ones. The harder you try not to cry when something scares you, the braver you really are."
Lorry nods. He smiles weakly.
"The noises really scare me," he says. "They hurt my ears."
"I know," I say. "But they're happening all the way up there. Once, it happened right next to me and… I survived."
"Really?" Lorry asks, stunned.
"Yeah," I say. I don't add that other people didn't. Other people ended up splattered all over me.
"How did you survive?"
"It's a long story."
"Tell me! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!"
I sigh. I can't tell this kid the story of my games. It'll give him nightmares.
But I can make something up. Something so wild and wacky that only a child would believe it was true but anyone listening will find it fun.
And it'll be so much easier to put on a show with an audience.
"Find some other kids and pass the message on," I say. "Then I'll tell everyone my story. Tell the parents they can come as well if they want. The more people, the better."
Lorry goes rushing off. I spread my blanket out on the floor as his father manages to calm the crying baby.
"Thanks," he says. "I'm Tyrus, this is Scooter. I'm a big fan."
I smile. "You have a lovely family. You're all so nice."
"You can hold my baby if you want," Tyrus says. He hands Scooter over to me.
The baby stares at me with wide, innocent eyes. He's never seen anything awful. He probably never will. I hope I'll be able to protect him in some way, that he'll have a safe world to live in once the war is over. He sees my face and smiles.
"I think he likes me," I say. I almost choke on my words.
My parents were nineteen when they had me. They sacrificed so much for me. They must've been bitter and resentful at first but all I remember them being was warm and loving. They didn't put any pressure on me to succeed. They didn't expect me to be perfect. They just wanted me to be happy.
I only really had a taste of fatherhood once before. When I was in my first arena, I raised a Frankenstein's monster to kill Binah because I was too scared to kill her myself. I was really scared I was going to die and I thought about all the things in my life I would never get to experience. I was never going to have a child.
I treated the monster like a son. I even gave him a name - Preston. I was sad when Binah killed him. I'd known from the start I was going to be a bad father to him but I promised myself there'd be a next time and I'd be better next time.
I feel like next time might come soon. The war will end soon. I'll fight off all the nightmares soon. I'll be ready soon.
I just hope Binah will be ready. I really want this one day but I also don't want to push her too far. I know my parents gave me a lot of confidence. I don't think Binah's parents gave her anything.
"Can my girlfriend hold him?" I ask. It's just a gentle nudge. Do you like the idea of holding someone else's baby for a few minutes?
Tyrus nods but Binah shakes her head. "Babies make me nervous. He's like a little scrunched-up gremlin. No offence, Scooter."
So Binah does have a problem with babies. I'll have to talk it through with her later. But I'm in no rush. After all, we're both young and there's a war going on.
Sometimes I forget I have a lifetime ahead of me. I've been close to death so many times, I keep forgetting I'll have a tomorrow, and a day after that, and a day after that. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I don't have to live my entire life today.
"Little scrunched-up gremlins are adorable!" I say. "But I get it. Not everyone thinks they're adorable."
I hand Scooter back to Tyrus with a smile.
"I definitely didn't want kids when I was your age," Tyrus says. "Galaxy and I always thought it would be too hard to keep them safe. There was a lot of crime in Six. When we first had Lorry, it was really scary so we left for District 13. Galaxy had to leave her entire family behind. That's why she went back to fight. She wanted to protect them."
He hangs his head. Binah and I exchange glances. We know that District 6 is probably being bombed as we speak and they don't have a bunker.
"We hope she's okay," Binah says. "I know how painful it is, not knowing. At least you've got your kids. You're not alone."
Tyrus smiles, sadly.
Lorry comes rushing back, bringing an army of children with him. I slip into my role - bright-eyed adventurer - as they gather on the blanket. A handful of parents stand around behind them.
They're all scared. I can tell. The kids are scared of the loud noises and the blackouts and the shaking walls. The adults have a different kind of fear, one that gnaws away at them, that asks Are we going to get out of here? Is this going to be okay? They're parents so they have it twice as bad. They're worrying for themselves as well as their kids.
I've got both kinds of fear. But I still smile. I'm going to make these people smile even though they're afraid. It's what I do.
This is how I fight the war. Not with a gun or a bomb but with a smile.
I clear my throat. The murmuring crowd falls silent.
"It was a hot day, in the middle of summer" I say. "I said goodbye to my friends and went on an adventure. I didn't take anything with me but the clothes I was wearing. I was only sure of one thing. I wanted to be a hero…"
This chapter is a lot more hopeful. I think we all needed some hope. Fawkes is learning to cope with being in the bunker by helping other people cope. I found it quite funny when he started reminiscing about Preston because he's changed so much since The Bride and The Widow. He's using his people skills to build people up rather than break them down. Out of all the characters, I think he's the only one whose past self at the beginning of The Bride and The Widow would be proud of now (apart from, maybe, Manel).
Also, Fawkes is thinking about being a father. It probably won't get any payoff this story since it's a long, long way down the road. It's more a sign that he's recovered enough to think about the future he might have. Fawkes didn't believe he had a future beyond the games in From The Ashes and now he does. Despite all the nightmares and flashbacks that still haunt him, he's really getting better.
