Eidolon

I am dating the President of Panem. I just wish I loved him all the time.

Sometimes I feel like Manel Lobos is two completely different people. There's the kind, gentle man who I fell for and I never believed could ever hurt anyone and there's the vicious, vengeful president who bombed all the districts. I can almost piece them together. Manel's been hurt so much I can understand why he's been broken into two pieces, the kind one and the cruel one.

Sometimes I feel the same way. I used to be a monster. I volunteered for fame and glory, just like so many Elites before and after me, and I killed with my bare hands. But that side of me is gone. I don't think I'll ever willingly hurt someone ever again. Manel's monstrous side is still there. He just hides it when we're alone together. Either he wants me to see the best in him or there's simply nobody around to destroy. Nobody but me.

And Manel will never destroy me. He only hurts the people who hurt him and I will never hurt him. We're safe with each other. He loves me. I love him. It should be simple. Nothing he does to anyone else should matter.

But I'm still worried.

I find my way to him. He's in his study, staring at maps and documents and screens. He's worried. I can tell just by looking at him.

Maybe this is why Manel can be so cruel sometimes. It's his job, his duty as President of Panem. He has all this power at his fingertips but, at the end of the day, he's still a scared, vulnerable kid backed into a corner. When I find out that he's done something else awful, that he's threatened a prisoner or bombed a district, I don't feel anger or fear. I just feel pity.

I know Manel can be so much better than this. He made me believe I could be better. I want to make him believe as well. I dream of us running away to somewhere where it's just the two of us and I can be sure Manel will let go of his dark side just like I did with mine. But I know it's not possible. I'm sure, if Manel had a way to step down and escape all the pressure of the war, he would've used it already. He's trapped like this.

He doesn't notice me until I'm standing right behind him. I wrap my arms around his waist and he inhales suddenly. For a second, I worry if I've startled him. Usually, I'm really careful not to touch Manel without warning. But, today, I know any warning would just fly over his head.

But then Manel presses his hand to mine.

"I know it's you, my love," he says. "I'm sorry. I've been busy. I… I think I made a mistake… with the bombing."

I sigh. I could've warned him the bombing was a mistake. I know why he did it. Grief can really change a person. I'm glad I managed to get through to the Manel I loved and convince him to stop the bombing of my home district, Four, before the planes flew over the area where my parents live. I got Manel to change back to himself without even trying.

Manel turns around to face me. His eyes are full of tears.

What's wrong? I sign.

"I'm losing the war," he says. "I did everything I could to destroy the rebels but they're still alive. I'm running out of supplies. It's only a matter of time before they storm the Capitol."

What happens next? I sign. My hands shake. I'm not ready for us to lose the war. I still get flashbacks and nightmares whenever I'm exposed to one of my triggers. I still can't speak. I need more time to get better before the rebels come and make things worse.

"We're captured. I'm executed, probably. I don't know what they'll do to you."

I hold back a sob. I don't want Manel to die. I don't want to lose him.

I love Manel. And the thing that makes me want to stay with him and give him my love and support, whatever he does during the war, is that he understands me. I feel like I have a voice with him. I don't want to have to start all over again with some new, someone who'll treat me like an object or an animal.

Manel wraps his arms around me, trying to comfort me.

"I'll find a way to protect you," he whispers. "I have a plan. I'll force the rebels to sign a treaty. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll save you, I promise."

He leans in to kiss me but I press a hand to his chest to stop him. I'm not satisfied yet. I search for some kind of answer in his eyes but all I see is darkness.

"Don't worry about me," he says. "I'm doomed, no matter what I do. Saving you won't make things much worse for me. At least I can die knowing I didn't hurt everyone, that there was one person I saved. Keeping you safe, making you happy… those are the only things I do where it doesn't feel like I'm making a mistake."

I realise I can't change him. I can't save him. I can only make the most of my last few days with Manel and hope that whatever he's got planned will give me a chance to start over.

"If it helps," Manel says, eyes wide and shining. "I'll hold out for as long as possible. I will give you every day I have left. I'm sorry I couldn't give you a lifetime."

I kiss him. It's the only way to stop myself from breaking down.


Ramona

I've come to understand what Lobos wants to do to me. He doesn't really want to hurt me. If he wanted to hurt me, I wouldn't have woken up in a hospital bed after the peacekeepers beat me. I wouldn't have been escorted back to my old room like nothing had happened.

Lobos doesn't want to hurt me. He wants to hurt Lumas.

Which makes me wonder what Lumas did to deserve this.

Lobos rarely tells me about Lumas. I get fragments here and there and they're all horrifying. Soldier. Torturer. Monster. Even then, I never got beaten for it.

If Lumas did something to get Lobos to actually hurt me, It must be absolutely terrible. And that hurts more than the beating. The fact that someone I love is somewhere out there, turning themselves into a monster because of me.

I feel further away from Lumas than ever. I don't know if I'll ever get him back. I might be released only to realise I can't find any kindness in his eyes or safety in his arms, that he's not the love of my life anymore.

I still long to see him again. I want to know for sure.

The peacekeepers come for me a few weeks after the first beating. At least, I think it's a few weeks. It could be a few months. How long have I lived in this room? I freeze up with panic and they wrench my arms behind my back. They don't put me in handcuffs this time, which is what makes one thought break through the chaos in my mind.

Why not? Did Lobos hold some kind of focus group over the best way to beat me up?

It's almost funny. I imagine a bunch of Capitolites in a room arguing about the best way to turn the beating into a publicity stunt. "No, don't put her in restraints! Let her try to fight back so our peacekeepers can overpower her and show just how weak she is."

A gag is shoved into my mouth and tied behind my head. A bag is pulled over my face. I close my eyes and let them drag me away. Maybe I'll be able to disconnect this time. Maybe I'll be able to wipe this stretch of memory between now and the moment I wake in a hospital bed blank. I can't escape in the real world. I can only escape in my head.

I'm sat down in a chair. I make a tentative effort to stand but strong hands on my shoulders force me down. Someone starts trying me to the chair, wrapping thick ropes around my wrists and torso. I know I won't be able to escape. The ropes feel strong and the knots feel secure.

Lobos. I think. It has to be him. He worked at a ranch before his games. He probably tied up animals all the time. But why would the president get his hands dirty?

I squirm in my seat, making a muffled noise through my gag. I can sense whoever's tying me up pull away sharply, as if they're uncomfortable with this. That's definitely Lobos. Then I hear footsteps heading away from me. A door opens and slams shut.

After a few seconds, it opens again. Lobos' voice echoes through.

"Before I surrender, I'm going to take some prisoners with me."

I'm overjoyed for a millisecond. Lobos is surrendering! He'll let me go! I'll be free!

Then I hear a gunshot.


I decided to do two slightly shorter POVs this chapter. They're sort of tied together, even though a bit of time passes in between. It was an absolutely terrible idea for Manel to bomb all the districts. It wasted a lot of his resources and it turned a lot of people in the more loyal districts against him, which means the rebels probably took over the districts pretty quickly.

I knew I needed to give Eidolon a POV because he's a pretty major character. His relationship with Manel is more bittersweet from his perspective. He can't stop Manel making mistakes but that doesn't make him fall out of love, it just makes him want to protect Manel from himself. And he can't. At least Manel has a chance to save Eidolon, even if the only way he can do it is by threatening Ramona.