Trigger Warning: Suicidal ideation


Ramona

I shiver as the peacekeepers march me to Lobos' office. Water drips down my clothes and it's cooling quickly. It was July when I was taken hostage. Now it's almost November.

I've wasted so much time. I can't waste any more.

When I walk into the room, the first thing I notice is a shiny silver letter-opener on the desk. I reach for it but the peacekeepers grab my arm and handcuff me to a chair.

"Hi, Ramona," Lobos says. He looks guilty. He should be.

"Stop acting nice," I say.

"Look, I don't know what to say," he says. "I tried to get the rebels to take you. I knew I'd kept you for too long, broken your spirit. But they wouldn't exchange you with anyone. Right now, you're the only guarantee I have that the rebels won't go back on their word. So I hope to keep you alive for as long as possible. I need you to stop trying to kill yourself, Ramona."

I sigh. I knew I was only going to get one shot at killing myself before Lobos went on high alert. I locked myself in the bathroom and tried to drown myself but the peacekeepers broke in and pulled me out of the water.

"Okay," I say. "I'll stop."

"You're just saying that because you want me to let my guard down," Lobos says. "I want to help you. This isn't just because I need you alive. I know what it's like to want to die. I lost my brother to suicide and I never want to watch anyone go through that again. I can help. But first I need to know why you want to kill yourself."

"I can't live like this," I say. "I'm going to be a prisoner forever."

"I can make things better for you," Lobos says. "The war is over so there's no need to threaten the rebels anymore. I can give you more freedom, maybe even let you move around the city like a normal citizen. But first I need to trust that you won't try to escape or kill yourself. I can't help you unless I can trust you."

"Okay," I say, hoping that's enough to convince him.

"Now, tell me about Lumas."

Just the mention of his name catches me off guard. Lumas. So much hope transforming into so much pain. Our love isn't dead. It's just sickly. The war poisoned it. There's no cure.

Our love could die one of two ways. The long, slow, agonising decline, the bloodied vomit and the desperate search for a remedy that doesn't exist. Or the mercy-killing, one quick, deadly blow and no more pain.

That's why I need to die. As long as I'm still alive, he's going to hold onto some hope that he'll get me back. He'll be just as much a prisoner as I am. And, if I kill myself, there'll be nothing left for him. Lobos will definitely say that I killed myself. He'll want to make himself look as innocent as possible. Lumas won't feel anger, just grief. He'll be devastated.

But, after a few months, he'll pick himself back up. He'll accept that I'm dead and move on. He'll be himself again.

"What do you want me to say?" I ask. "I loved him. It didn't work. I dumped him. It's just like you and Fawkes."

Lobos shakes his head.

"Fawkes and I never really loved each other. I only talked to him once before he died. But you and Lumas… I've been mentoring for five years. Every year, the moment his tribute died, he was by your side. You two had something real."

"And then the war turned him into a monster," I say. "Don't act like you don't hate him. I heard what you said to him. You were going to kill me and risk a rebel attack just because you hated him. Lumas isn't the guy who stayed with me in the Control Centre anymore. He isn't the love of my life anymore. I don't even know what he is. I… I just want him to turn back."

"Maybe he never will," Lobos says.

"Don't say that," I say. "He beat morphling. He can beat whatever's got him like this. He just needs one final push."

"That's why you want to kill yourself?" Lobos asks. "Because it'll force Lumas to get over you? What if it doesn't? What if it just makes him worse?"

"Then at least I'll never find out what kind of monster he'll become."

I realise what I've just said, how stupid it sounds. I feel like a little kid who believes she's invisible just because her eyes are closed. Lumas won't be any worse because I won't live long enough to see him get worse.

"There are better ways to show your ex you're over him," Lobos says. "You don't have to kill yourself. You can just get a new boyfriend. Lumas will take the hint."

"Really?" I ask. "He fell for me when I was married."

"That was a fake marriage. It doesn't count. This time, you are going to actively start looking for a new boyfriend. You are going to go out on dates until you find someone better than Lumas. Then, if Lumas really cares about you, he'll back off and let you be happy."

"Wow," I say, surprised. Normally, Lobos' answer to a relationship problem involves a lot of alcohol and pining. I wonder if he's actually managed to get a boyfriend while he's been president.

"I know," he says. "It's a crazy idea. It'll take a lot of work. But do you like it?"

I think for a second. I wonder if I'm capable of loving someone who isn't Lumas. I know I don't get crushes like most people. I only fall for someone if I know them well enough. But maybe all I need is a few successful dates. I don't even need to have successful dates as long as Lumas gets the message that it's over between us. I could learn to be perfectly happy in the Capitol without a guy.

And that's not just because I can be perfectly happy alone.

"I like your idea," I say. "But does it have to be a boyfriend?"

"What do you mean?" Lobos says with a smile.

I've never told anyone this before. I've denied it for years. It's not because she was a girl, just because she was that particular girl. Anything that could've happened between us was well and truly over seven years ago.

Because she killed people. She killed people until I killed her.

"When I was seventeen," I say. "I had a crush on Régine Maurin."

Lobos' smile widens. "Do you still…"

"No," I say. "She's too young now. We've both moved on. But… I wouldn't mind having a girlfriend."


Lumas

I'm eager to get to Coin's office. She'd asked to see me. I hope it has something to do with the 'vital' job that kept me from taking Ramona's place. Maybe when it's done, she'll let me go to the Capitol so they can set Ramona free.

Our new government is based in District 1's justice building. It's one of the richer districts and Coin didn't want to stay based in District 13. I understand why. I don't like being underground.

After a few minutes of waiting, I'm allowed into Coin's office. It's only been a week since the treaty was signed but she's settled in remarkably quickly, most likely because she never had many possessions to begin with. She's sitting behind her desk, looking at a computer.

"Come in," she says, standing up. "Sit down and watch this."

I soon realise why. Ramona appears on the computer screen. I gasp. I thought I'd never see her again.

"Hi, Lumas," Ramona says, looking surprised. "I didn't expect to see you."

"Why not?" I ask.

"I'm just calling to prove I'm still alive after a week. I thought I was going to see Coin."

"Do you want to talk?"

Ramona hesitates. I realise there's something in her eyes that wasn't there when she dumped me. She seems okay. She's not scared. She doesn't look trapped at all.

"I wanted a clean break but, if you've got anything to talk about-"

"I'm sorry," I blurt out. "I still love you and I…"

Ramona sighs. "Lumas, I went on a date yesterday."

The world stops. The dream shatters. It's only been a week and she's already moved on. I know I should be upset but I'm also really confused.

"Lobos lets you date now?"

Ramona nods. "He's actually quite nice when you're not murdering his people."

"His people?" I ask. "Manel Lobos is from District 10. His people are the Tens. I haven't gone anywhere near that district since my victory tour. But he bombed them."

"You know what I mean, Lumas," Ramona says. "I've moved on. You should move on. Find someone who makes you happy."

"Does your boyfriend make you happy?" I ask.

"I have a girlfriend, actually," Ramona says. "Her name's Monita. She's from District 3. She's an avox so I'm learning sign language for her. It's nice… being with someone from home."

"You never told me you liked women," I say.

"I never had to," Ramona says. "I just wanted you. It didn't matter how many people who weren't you I could've been with. I didn't even give it much thought until now. But now I don't want you anymore it does matter. The next person I love could be anyone. What about you? Have you thought about anyone else?"

"No," I say, still a little shocked.

She's really doing this. She's really ending it. She's really letting me go.

"Can we still be friends?" I ask. "We were friends before… everything happened."

"I'll think about it," Ramona says. She looks upset. "I don't think this is working, Lumas. I hope you learn to be happy without me. Goodbye."

The screen freezes. Then it goes white and a little box of text flashes up. Call ended.

I have to try not to cry. Ramona really doesn't want to be with me anymore. Not even as a friend. I know it must be because of what I did in the war. Everything I did to get her back just pushed her further away.

"I know what it's like," Coin says, making me look up from the computer screen. "My husband and I separated twenty years ago. He took my daughter with him. I haven't spoken to either of them in years. You really love Ramona. She belongs with you. She just can't see it."

"I think she sees it," I say. "She just doesn't want to belong with me anymore. She wants me to let her go."

"So will you?"

"I will."

"Fine," Coin says, coldly. "You won't mind if I bomb the Capitol."

"No!" I cry. "You can't! You'll kill Ramona."

"What are you willing to do to stop me?"

"Anything," I say.

Coin smiles, slyly. "I want you to kill Fawkes Chau today."

It doesn't make sense. Fawkes is a rebel hero. He's on our side.

I wouldn't mind killing him, though. He's annoying.

"What did he do?" I ask.

"What do you mean?"

"What did Fawkes do to deserve being killed? Did he annoy you?"

"He's too popular," Coin says. "And he's been getting ideas above his sta-"

"So he's a threat to you?" I ask. This'll be my last action of defiance. I don't like how Coin is forcing me to obey her by threatening Ramona but I can't disobey either.

"No," Coin says.

I laugh, slightly hysterically. "You want me to kill him because he's a threat to you."

"And you will kill him, unless you want Ramona to be killed, along with half the people in the Capitol. Think about it. She broke your heart because you were too hard on the people of the Capitol. If you save her and them by killing Fawkes Chau, you'll be a hero. You'll win back her heart."

"Okay," I say. "I get it. What happens if I get caught?"

"I'll start a rumour that he fed the Capitol our secrets through coded messages in his propos. You'll be even more of a hero."

I nod. "I understand. I'll go kill him now."

I bow, politely, and leave. It's only as I'm walking out that I realise what kind of mess I'm getting into.

Coin is a tyrant in the making. She's willing to destroy anyone she sees as competition and she's willing to intimidate people into following her orders. She's not someone I would've wanted to put in power.

But I'll lose Ramona forever if I fight back.

So I find myself walking home to get a weapon. Then I'm going to Fawkes Chau's apartment. I'm going to do something that'll make me a hero or a villain.

I just hope, if Ramona ever finds out the truth, she'll think I'm a hero again.


Ramona and Lumas really aren't coping well with the breakup. Ramona really wants a clean break, even if it means she has to kill herself, and Lumas is still heartbroken and pining. Luckily, Manel is actually willing and able to help Ramona. Now there's a chance she might actually be able to accept that she can't escape the Capitol and have a life there rather than just spending her time in captivity harming herself because she doesn't value her own life anymore.

Lumas probably would've had a chance at moving on as well, though it would probably be tougher for him. Unfortunately, Coin has recognised his vulnerability and is using him to kill Fawkes. She's realised that Fawkes is getting more and more powerful. He spent most of the treaty chapter undermining her. Now it's going to come back to haunt him.

My updates might become a bit more frequent over the next few days. My brother has covid and my entire family is going to be spending the next few days isolating. This is causing me a lot of anxiety so I'll probably write more as a coping mechanism.