Trigger Warning: Suicidal ideation, PTSD


Régine

"What are you going to do to us?" I ask.

I have a knife but I can't attack Miranda, not when the truck might crash. I have an urge to kill her that I'm desperately trying to fight.

I don't want her to say anything else about what I did in the arena. I can't get Dorian out of my head. He wasn't my friend, he was just a solid, reliable district partner.

Until I killed him.

Now he's a father to some poor child in District 1. Some kid only knows who their father was from the games. Some kid only knows their father as the lump of meat I carved up on the last day of the games, as I lost my mind. Nothing I do will ever undo that.

"I don't know," Miranda admits. "I can't let you both walk away."

"We didn't kill Colin," Ramona says. "Even if we did, hurting us won't bring him back."

"It's not about bringing him back," Miranda growls. "It's about making the world a better place. You two are the worst kind of scum ever to volunteer for the-"

"What about the rebellion?" I blurt out. "Ramona killed President Snow. I ended the Quell and saved the Phoenix. We tried to redeem ourselves. Doesn't that count for something?"

Miranda's knuckles turn white on the wheel.

"Some redemption," she mutters. "You know, the war you started killed my son."

Ramona gasps. Her grip on my hand tightens.

"No…" she whispers.

"It was Henry's eighth birthday," Miranda says, numbly. "I was busy working so my parents took him to the town square to get a cake. There was a shootout and-" she lets out a sudden sob. "There's nobody waiting for me to come home. I could drive this truck off a bridge and it'd probably do the world a favour."

I reach for my knife. Maybe I'll be able to kill Miranda and stop the truck before it crashes. Maybe I'll be able to save myself and Ramona.

"There is someone waiting for you," Ramona says, quietly.

"Who?" Miranda asks.

"You don't know their name yet," Ramona says. "But they exist somewhere. I know what it's like to lose family. I lost my husband and my parents. I even lost a child. I was pregnant with Alexander's child when I took poison. And I know it's hard because you feel like you're supposed to protect them. It's even harder when you're a widow because you feel like they were the last piece of your husband you had left. But when you've lost everyone, you don't give up. You find someone new. If you ever get married again, you won't need to worry about losing your husband to the games. If you ever have a child again, you won't need to worry about losing them to the war. You'll always have someone to come home to."

I'm stunned. Ramona never told me she was ever pregnant. Maybe she would've done if we'd had more time to talk since I was brought back. It's just another sign of how much my ally has changed. I just want to hug her. I know she was forced into her marriage with Alexander Snow but she sounds like she wanted to keep his child alive. There must've been something stopping her.

Knowing how Iris Snow grew up, sitting on the president's knee and being fed lies with a silver spoon, I think I have an idea what it was.

It hurts to think about Iris now. I could tell there was a nice, normal girl buried beneath an avalanche of Snow's lies. I really wanted to help her, just like I'd wanted to protect Ramona, the big-eyed, vulnerable outlier girl in an area full of much tougher tributes. Just like I'd wanted to give Ageis a way to escape from her childhood of abuse. I wanted to dig Iris out of the snow and help her find warmth in the world.

I just hadn't had enough time.

Miranda sobs. She pulls over at the side of the road.

"I can't drive like this," she croaks.

"That's okay," Ramona says. "Take a break."

"I thought you were both monsters."

"Maybe we are," I say. "But even the monsters have lost someone."

I think of Ageis, my first girlfriend. I never really got the chance to know her before I had to kill her, to spare her from dying an agonising death to poison. Every time I remember her, I feel so much pain but also so much hope. I found one girl who was willing to love me. One day, I'll find another.

Miranda takes a shaky breath. She seems to recover.

"Maybe you two have changed," she says. "Maybe I should take you where you need to go. But I just want to know, why District 7?"

"I want to start over," Ramona says. "Seven seems like the best place to do it."


Binah

I wake to the sound of Fawkes' nightmares.

He's not being particularly loud. His cries are mostly drowned out by the noise of the train. But it's still bad news because we're trying to keep quiet.

Lumas looks around, warily. "Make him stop," he hisses. "I don't want them to find us."

I hear footsteps as a guard approaches from another carriage. There's not enough time. I murmur an apology to Fawkes and clap a hand over his mouth. He squirms in my arms, panicking.

There are a few moments of pure fear, fear that we'll be found and that Fawkes won't be able to recover. I can't try to comfort him. I'm scared to even speak in case the nearby guard hears.

Then the footsteps fade. I start whispering in Fawkes' ear.

"It's okay. You're okay. You had a nightmare. You're not being kidnapped or anything, it's just me, Binah. We're on a train. We had to go on the run, remember? I can't let you make any noise or they'll find us. Understand?"

Fawkes doesn't respond. He makes a muffled sobbing sound. I can feel his tears on the top of my hand.

He's terrified. And I can't help him. I can't wake him up.

"Fawkes, darling," I plead, trying to keep the fear from making me too loud. "Please, just nod if you understand me."

Fawkes nods. It's only a slight movement. But it's enough. I lift my hand from his mouth. He turns, eyes full of fear.

He doesn't recognise me.

"It's me, Fawkes," I say. "It's Binah. I'm just in disguise."

He gives a sob of relief and falls into my arms.

"I thought they'd taken me," he says, tremulously. "I thought they had me."

"I'm never going to let them take you," I say.

"What if you can't stop them?"

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I just feel so powerless," Fawkes says. "In my nightmare, I was being hunted like an animal. I had this muzzle in my mouth so I couldn't even reason with them. Then my leg got caught in a trap and they closed in on me and… I started turning…"

His voice dies. He gives a tiny whimper and hides his face in my shoulder. I know exactly what he's trying to say.

I started turning into a monster again.

"Fawkes, you're not going to turn into a monster," I whisper. "I know things seem pretty scary right now but I'm going to keep you safe. You're just going to have to trust me. Can you do that?"

"Yeah," Fawkes mumbles. He's shaking. I tighten my grip around him to steady him and he makes a little noise of appreciation.

I glance over at Lumas, wondering if he feels like a third wheel. I know what it's like. I spent years mentoring alongside him and Ramona, watching them grow closer and closer together. It was a little irritating for me but I imagine seeing two people in love in his state would be like a knife to the heart. From what I'd heard, he was once the one with the head full of nightmares and Ramona was the one whispering comforting words in his ear.

Lumas smiles at me but his eyes are sad.


I thought I'd write some emotional stuff while the characters were travelling. It turns out, Miranda Birch has a lot in common with Ramona. They've both lost their families and now they're searching for a way to start over.

As for Fawkes, he really isn't coping well with being on the run. He doesn't have a safe environment to process his trauma anymore, he just has to keep moving like he did in the arena.