Trigger Warning: Mentions of self harm, PTSD and suicide.
Fawkes
I feel like I'm drowning. I kick my way upwards, desperate to break the surface of all the nightmares. I remember what happened. The explosion that left Binah's unconscious body in the rubble. I didn't even have time to check her pulse before someone grabbed me from behind and drugged me.
I don't know if she's okay.
I shake off my drug-fuelled stupor and try to figure out where I am. I look around and find I'm in a cell with concrete walls. Someone must have changed my clothes while I was unconscious because I'm wearing my interview outfit from the Quell. They even gave me a new pair of glasses. I try to move but I find I'm tied to a chair. I try to call out for someone - one of my captors or a potential rescuer - but my mouth is covered with tape.
I start to cry. I'm helpless, just like an animal in a trap. I don't know where Binah is. Is she tied up and gagged, just like I am? Are they doing something worse to her? Did they just leave her in the rubble to die?
Is she dead already?
I hate myself. I hate that I dragged Binah into this. Now she's hurt and it's all my fault.
Then Manel walks in.
Terror shoots through me. I really should fear being captured by Coin more, since Manel has never sent an assassin to kill me, but I know things are going to get personal. It's one thing being kidnapped and waking up bound and gagged, wearing new clothes. It's another thing when the kidnapper was probably hired by your ex-boyfriend who you left heartbroken.
I squirm in my seat, sobbing with fear. I feel guilty as well. Manel is another reminder that anyone who loves me gets hurt.
I don't want anyone to love me anymore.
"Look, Fawkes," Manel says. "This is nothing personal. I just need someone to threaten so the rebels won't bomb my city again. They love you. You were in disguise so I got your prep team to change your clothes and dye your hair. You have to look the part for the video."
I realise what's happening. Manel thinks Coin will back off if he holds me hostage. He doesn't know that Coin wants me dead. Maybe if he realises I'm no use to him, he'll let me go and I can find Binah and make sure she's safe. Maybe I can fix everything.
I fix Manel with pleading eyes and scream through my gag, straining against the ropes binding me to the chair.
Let me speak. Let me speak. Let me speak.
"Nice try," Manel says. "We both know that, when I take off your gag, you'll start talking your way out of this. So I'm not going to give you a chance."
Panic coils up within me like the tentacles of a monster. Manel's not going to let me speak. He's going to take away one of the things that makes me human, turn me into an animal. So, desperate, I try something else, something really, really stupid.
I hit Manel with my best smoulder. It's the only thing I can do. If I can't move, if I can't speak, all I can do is look pretty and hope that it's enough.
You used to love me, I say with my eyes. Why would you do this to me?
Horror and anger fills Manel's eyes. He slaps me across the face. Pain blooms in my cheek. My glasses almost fall off.
"That's never going to work on me again," he says. "You're only doing that because you want to make me feel guilty enough to let you go. But you're the one who should feel guilty. I loved you. But you broke my heart. You abandoned me when I needed you the most. You've been tormenting me ever since we broke up. You even cheated on me. So tell me, why did you sleep with Binah Katayanagi? Tell me and I'll let you go."
And I wish I could tell him. Because the truth is, it was all an accident. We were both watching TV late at night and we fell asleep on the sofa, curled up together. I didn't realise I loved Binah until after I'd dumped Manel.
But I can't say that. My lips are still sealed shut. All I can do is make muffled noises.
"I'm sorry," Manel says. "I can't hear you. Maybe try again."
I hang my head, defeated. I don't think there's any way out of this.
I can't escape. I'll just spend the rest of my life like this.
"Isn't it frustrating?" Manel asks. "All those clever words, all those pretty lies and you just can't speak."
He sounds furious. I realise I've made him like this. He's been holding all this bitterness inside him for months and the only reason he didn't let it all out last time I saw him was because he wanted the treaty to be signed. Now there's nothing holding him back.
For the first time, I can really see how much I hurt Manel. It just makes me hate myself even more. I'm a parasite. I latch onto people until I don't need them anymore and then I leave them drained.
Then something changes. Manel gasps. I look up to see him staring at a figure standing in the doorway, crying silently. I recognise him instantly.
"Eidolon," Manel whispers. "I…"
Eidolon glares at Manel and then turns to me.
Manel
Eidolon marches towards Fawkes and reaches out to peel the tape from his mouth.
"Wait, stop!" I cry. "You don't know what you're doing. He's-"
Eidolon gives me the middle finger.
I realise what kind of mistake I've made. Eidolon must've come down here looking for me only to find me taunting Fawkes over his inability to speak. He must've taken it personally.
I spent so many months trying to make Eidolon feel like he has a voice and I've just ruined everything.
Eidolon peels the tape from Fawkes' mouth and Fawkes immediately starts talking.
"Where's Binah?" He asks.
"That's what you open with?" I ask. "You want to convince me to let you go and you start by asking me about the woman you cheated on me with?"
"Where is she?" Fawkes asks.
Meanwhile, Eidolon is untying Fawkes' wrists. He gasps.
"What?" I ask.
Look, Eidolon signs.
I walk over. I only see them for a second before Fawkes snatches his arm away but I can't deny they exist. I can see several horizontal scars on his forearm.
Eidolon looks at me, accusingly. He doesn't need to sign or write anything for me to know what he's trying to say.
Is he still the bad guy?
And I know he isn't. I hated Fawkes because he broke my heart and acted like he was fine. But he doesn't seem fine. His eyes are haunted. He's shaking. And those lines on his arm weren't there the last time we kissed.
"Fawkes," I say. "Did you cut yourself?"
"Tell me where Binah is," he says.
"I don't know," I say. "I didn't have her kidnapped. Just you."
Fawkes sobs. Then he composes himself. "Let me go," he says. "I need to know if she's okay. When you took me away, she was hurt. She got hurt because of me."
"Do you… care about her?" I ask.
"I love her," Fawkes says. "I'm sorry I love her instead of you. It's just… the way things turned out."
I look to Eidolon, who's busy untying Fawkes' legs. He nods. I don't think he's going to forgive me unless I reach some sort of understanding with Fawkes.
"Why did things turn out that way?" I ask. "Fawkes, tell me what went wrong."
He sighs. I can see all the pain in his eyes. I know immediately that he won't lie to me. That kind of pain can't be faked. Even if Fawkes could fake it, scarring himself is a step too far.
"The first time I met you, you were just a distraction from the games," he says. "I was so scared but I was really attracted to you. I thought you were so handsome and I really appreciated how kind you were to me but… I didn't really know you and I didn't really love you. I thought, if things worked out and we got the chance to spend more time together, we could be something amazing and, if not, you could just move on to some other guy. I didn't know about victor prostitution. I didn't know how much I mattered to you."
"Would you have done anything different, if you'd known?" I ask.
"Maybe I would've given you a chance on our second date," Fawkes says. "When I came back from the dead, I was a wreck. I was terrified of everything. I didn't feel human anymore. And when you asked me out, I knew I had to go because I thought you'd make everything better. I thought you'd make me feel like myself again. But you didn't. I felt terrible when we kissed. It's more my fault than yours. I felt terrible all the time and you just didn't change anything. You were a victor but that didn't matter to me anymore. You were handsome but that didn't matter either. You were nice to me but I needed more than just nice. It all felt so superficial. I know it wasn't superficial from your perspective and, if I'd known how much you'd believed in our love, maybe I would've been able to believe in it. But I just didn't believe in anything. I knew I'd be lying to you if I stayed and I didn't want to lie to you anymore so I walked away. I felt so guilty for what I did to you, I felt like I had to punish myself. That's why… I gave myself those scars."
"Why didn't you tell me the truth?" I ask. "Why didn't you explain how you felt? I would've been more than just nice."
"Why didn't you?" Fawkes asks. "We both wanted to escape the truth. I was weak and I didn't feel safe showing people my weakness. I was always putting up this front. The only person I ever really trusted was Binah and that started by accident," he takes a deep breath, steeling himself for something. "I… I tried to kill myself on the train. I just couldn't take going into the Quell after how I'd died. The only reason I'm still alive is because Binah walked in on me just as I was about to do it. She… she held me in her arms and told me she was going to protect me and I believed her. I slept with her because I had nightmares every night and I was so exhausted I just fell asleep watching TV with her. I didn't feel safe unless I was close to her."
He breaks down in tears.
"I'm a terrible person," he sobs. "I'm a selfish liar. All I do is hurt people, even when I try to make things better. I just can't change."
Eidolon squeezes his hand, one traumatised survivor of the games comforting another.
"Don't touch me," Fawkes whispers. "Please."
So Eidolon looks to me. Say something nice, he signs.
I look at Fawkes and I can't see the boy who gleefully stomped all over my heart anymore. I see someone who's been hurt and needs help. He didn't dump me because he enjoyed it, he did it because my love didn't make him feel better. He can blame himself for that but I realise I need to take some of the blame as well. I could've offered Fawkes the support he needed if I'd seen he needed help.
But I hadn't seen it. I'd been blinded by this vision of him in my head. I did the worst thing I could possibly do to Fawkes. I acted like he was perfect and that made him hate himself because he knew he could never measure up to the ideal.
No wonder he walked away.
"Fawkes," I say. "Thank you."
"What do you have to thank me for? I ruined our relationship."
"Exactly," I say. "You put your mental health before your relationship with me and that was something I was never strong enough to do. I used to be obsessed with you. I got addicted to morphling when you died because I could only see you again when I was high. It hurt when you dumped me but it also set me free. I honestly wouldn't be alive today if I hadn't stopped loving you so… thanks for letting me go. I wish I could do the same for you right now but I need someone to stop Coin from bombing us."
"It won't work," Fawkes says. "Coin is trying to kill me."
"What?" I ask. Eidolon looks at me, eyes wide with fear. He's still not safe. Even after everything I've done, I still haven't done enough to protect him.
"She thinks I'm too powerful to be kept alive."
"Are you?"
"No," Fawkes says. "I don't know how to fight her. I'm out of my depth. I'm not some big rebel hero. I'm not even a victor. I became the Phoenix because I didn't want to die. I made that speech because my allies were killing each other and I wanted to stop them killing me. Then I realised I could convince the rebellion to save me from the arena and I just ran with the idea. I'm not a hero. I'm a coward. That's all I'll ever be."
Eidolon clears his throat to get my attention so he can sign something to me.
"What is he saying?" Fawkes asks.
"At least you can speak," I translate. Then I realise the bitterness behind those words. "Eidolon, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
He turns and walks away from me.
"He does have a point," Fawkes says. A strange light appears in his eyes. "I can speak. That's the only way I'm ever going to beat her, if I speak to the people," he smiles. "I have an idea."
Finally, Manel learns the truth about Fawkes and the conflict between them ends. Manel might be bitter about having his heart broken but he and his loved ones have been affected enough by self harm and PTSD for him to sympathise with Fawkes. Now he understands why their relationship just wasn't working. It's a good thing Eidolon made him see sense, even though their relationship is now hitting a rough patch.
Also, Fawkes hit a real low point this chapter. This is the first time since the Quell he's been separated from Binah. Luckily, he's realised he has a weapon to use against Coin.
