Eidolon
I hear the knock on the door and sigh. I'm not in the mood to talk to Manel right now. I can't fully explain my anger at him. Maybe it's because I feel insulted by what he said to Fawkes. Maybe I'm scared he'll say the same things to me if our relationship ever goes sour. Maybe I'm just sick of dating a dictator who hurts other people all the time.
Whatever it is, the image of the perfect boyfriend I have in my head is gone. I can't adore Manel like I once did.
"Eidolon," he says, from the other side of the door. "I'm really sorry about everything I said. I never wanted to hurt you."
I write a note and slide it under the door.
I know you didn't. You meant to hurt Fawkes. Which is probably even worse than hurting me by accident. I know he was a terrible boyfriend to you but I really thought you'd moved on.
Manel reads the note and answers.
"I thought I had," he says. "But then he looked at me with those eyes and… he caught me off guard. I was scared I'd fall under his spell again. I was scared he'd ruin everything and he did."
He didn't. I write. This one's on you. Fawkes didn't hurt anyone today. You did.
I slide the note under the door.
"Then let me make it better," Manel pleads. "Please don't feel bad because of what I said. I meant to hurt Fawkes. I meant to hurt him because he relies on words. He lies all the time. But you don't need to say a word for me to understand you. You speak to me with your eyes and your hands and I know that you'll always tell me the truth. I understand you better than I ever understood Fawkes. I love you more than I ever loved him. Please let me in."
I decide to give Manel a chance. I open the door and let him kiss me. His lips press against mine the same way they always do but the joy I usually feel doesn't come with them.
I realise that Manel might not really understand me. He might just be pretending because he's scared of being alone. I like the affection. I'm just not sure I love him anymore.
I put my hands on Manel's shoulders and push him away, gently. Then I start writing.
You say you trust me to always tell you the truth so here's the truth. I don't think our relationship can carry on the way that it did. You need to learn how to cope with being alone if I'm ever going to love you, otherwise I'll never know whether you're being nice to me because you love me or whether you're just doing it so you have somebody to cling to. I want to leave, so we can both have some space to work things out. I feel like I have recovered enough to live without you and this is the first time I've considered that it might be the best thing. This might not be the end. I might realise I really love you and come back. But if this is the end then I want you to know that you saved my life and nobody will ever be able to take that away from you. I owe my recovery to you. You were a wonderful boyfriend and you deserve to be loved. I hope you find happiness, whether I come back or not.
I hand the note to Manel. He reads it with tears in his eyes. For a second, he looks like he might complain but then he seems to realise it'll prove all my doubts about him right.
"Okay," he says. "I understand. Do you want to live with Liza and Houghton for a bit?"
I nod. I know that Manel won't be far away. I'll probably still see him from time to time. If I ever need him again, I'll be able to find him easily.
"Do you want me to help you pack?" Manel asks.
Does Fawkes need your help? I sign.
"No," Manel says. "I don't think I can help him much. He's much better at politics than I am."
Okay, I sign. You can help.
Binah
I come to in a hospital bed. My head feels like it's full of cotton wool. My limbs feel heavy and weak. My legs really hurt.
"What happened?" I ask.
"You were injured in an explosion," comes a voice from beside my bed. "Your boyfriend is missing. Do you have any idea where he might be?"
I realise who's speaking and remember everything. My instincts scream at me to escape but I can't move. I'm strapped to the bed.
"Stop struggling," Coin says. "Your injuries are too severe for you to move. If you cooperate with me, you will be more likely to make a full recovery. Please tell me where your boyfriend is."
"So you can kill him?" I ask.
Coin pauses.
"I'm sure you understand, Soldier Katayanagi. You've lost people you love. So have I. I know how love can be a weakness. It can hold you back from reaching your full potential. And you have a lot of potential. Tell me where your boyfriend is and I'll help you reach your potential. I can give you power."
"I don't want power," I say.
"Then why are you so attached to the Phoenix?" Coin asks. "I've seen how he acts around you. He's the most powerful man in Panem and you turn him into a lovesick teenager. I've heard you whispering in his ear to get what you want. But Fawkes Chau isn't going to be powerful for much longer. He's not even going to be alive for much longer. If you want to keep your power, then give him up. Tell me where he is."
I laugh. "I don't want to keep my power. I just want to keep my boyfriend alive. We love each other."
"Then you're weaker than I thought," Coin says.
"No," I say. "You're the weak one. You've spent so long locked away underground, you've forgotten how people work. That's why you're so scared of Fawkes and that's why he's going to beat you."
"He isn't," Coin says. "When he learns I've got you, he'll give up. He'll sacrifice himself to save you. All I need to know is where he is, then I'll be able to get the message across. So, this is your last chance. Tell me where he is."
"No," I say.
"Fine," Coin says. "Have it your way."
My mouth is forced open by some hands wearing latex gloves and a belt is placed between my teeth. I barely have time to wonder why Coin would want to gag me during an interrogation when electricity pours into me. Pain punches through me. I scream. I strain against my bonds, my muscles spasming. My fists clench. I bite down on the belt in my mouth.
But, somewhere in the centre of all that white-hot panic, there's something cold and calm. The eye of the storm.
If Coin is torturing me for Fawkes' whereabouts, it means she has no idea where he is. As long as she's torturing me, she's wasting her time.
Finally, the pain stops. I lie there, shaking as someone leans over my bed. My vision is blurry with tears but I know it's Coin. She removes the belt from my mouth with careful fingers.
"The last prisoner I tried this on bit his own tongue out," she says. "I can't let that happen to you. Tell me where the Phoenix is or I'll shock you again."
I laugh. "Fuck you. I'm from District 3. I eat electricity for breakfast."
I don't know where Fawkes is. I'll make sure Coin will never find him.
Lumas
It's shockingly easy to get from District 3 to District 7 without being recognised as a victor. Maybe it's because I've dyed my hair and shaved my beard and I don't look like I did yesterday. Maybe it's just because I never looked like a victor. I never carried myself like one.
I have to try to calm my nerves as I walk up to Silver Oberst's front door. Out of all the inhabitants of District 7's Victor's Village, he's the one I feel I can trust the most. He was a close ally to Fawkes in the Quell so it's unlikely he'll turn me in for trying to save him.
This could be where everything is decided. Maybe Ramona is somewhere in this district. Maybe she never made it out of the Capitol. Maybe she's already gone. Maybe I'll be waiting for her forever.
I knock on Silver's door. After a few minutes, he opens it.
"Lumas," he says. "What do you want?"
"Can I come in?" I ask. "There's something we need to talk about."
Silver rolls his eyes. "Fine. Come in."
I walk inside and Silver closes the door behind me.
"I'm looking for Ramona," I say. "I think she survived the bombing. Binah, Fawkes and I searched her house for clues and we found this book. It looks like she made a plan to fake her death and escape Panem if we lost the war. This district is where she stockpiled the supplies she's planning to use for the journey north. Will you help me find her?"
"Okay," Silver says. "You must be exhausted after such a long journey. Let me make you a cup of tea."
I sit down on the sofa as Silver makes the tea. I notice there's a cup of it still giving off steam on the table in front of me. It smells of mint. I take a sip and wrinkle my nose. It's too strong.
A memory comes back to me from almost seven years ago. It was the day I met Ramona, when she came to District 8 on her victory tour. She was pretty and polished and polite while I was battling withdrawal. I didn't want to be high when I met her for the first time. We ate dinner together and the dessert was chocolate cake and ice cream served with a garnish. Garnishes had always annoyed me. I'd always hated that rich people put leaves on their food just to make it look nice and then didn't eat them. I'd made a habit of eating the garnish just to freak rich people out.
I was about to pluck the leaf off my plate and eat it when Ramona, the girl from one of the richest families in District 3, decided to eat her leaf first. She caught me staring at her.
"What?" She'd said. "I really like mint. I always eat it."
"Same," I'd said. "I thought I was the only one."
Then I ate the mint and I had to pretend it didn't taste disgusting. In the end, we'd both ended up laughing. For a moment, I wasn't an addict and she wasn't destined to be in an arranged marriage. We were just two teenagers laughing over our weird eating habits.
I set down the cup, feeling sad. Ramona always liked mint tea.
Silver comes back in and hands me a cup. I drink from it, thirsty. Then I notice something.
There's a smudge of lipstick on the cup of mint tea, the same shade as the lipstick Ramona was wearing when I talked to her before the bombing. It's on the opposite side of the cup to the side I drank from, like it was picked up by someone's left hand.
Ramona is left-handed.
"She's here," I cry. "Ramona's here and you didn't tell me!"
"Why would you think that?" Silver asks.
"That cup is her cup," I say. "Look."
"No, it's mine. I like mint tea."
"There's lipstick on the cup. Do you like wearing lipstick?"
"Yeah," Silver says, calmly. "Do you have a problem with that?"
"No, I…" Suddenly, I feel dizzy. The world blurs. I feel numb.
"You drugged me?" I ask.
I don't have time to hear Silver's reply. I slip out of consciousness, hating myself for drinking his tea.
All the POVs in this chapter are pretty sad and that's the only thing they have in common. Eidolon breaks up with Manel, Coin tortures Binah and Lumas comes tantalisingly close to finding Ramona only to lose consciousness. Silver is definitely hiding something. The question is, what?
Also, I have tested positive for covid and now I feel like I have failed at everything. I'm not that ill. I had a fever a couple of nights ago but I feel a lot better. In a way, it's a relief because I can be in the same room as my mum and my brother. I feel a lot less lonely now.
