Summary: Sirius died at some point after the war. He's spent time with Remus, Harry etc and his name was cleared post-war. As he enters the 'after-life' he sees James & Lily. How that meeting/interaction went. Music track: See you Again by Wiz Khalifa feat. Charlie Puth
Sirius blinked his eyes open slowly, and then abruptly shut them again at the brightness of a sun setting coming through the nearby window. He tried again, this time not looking directly up. He didn't recognise where he was at first, but then as he slowly got up from where he had been laying on the surprisingly soft ground, he started venturing around.
As he realised where exactly he was, and all the memories that brought up, the good, the bad and everything in between, he kept walking through the house. The bedroom he woke up in was warm, a typical teenage boys' room, with a queen-sized bed, a study desk, and a large cupboard for his clothes. On one side of the room was an old broomstick, and there was also a familiar pile of books and a chess set on the bedside table.
The next room he passed was similarly set up, but also had a Quidditch set next to another old broomstick. As Sirius passed this room, he paused, a sad smile forming as he paused to take it in. the memories associated with this place were numerous and overwhelming. He shook his head, and started downstairs, wanting to find out why he was here, as safe as this place had always felt for him.
Downstairs in the living room was a man standing near the warmly lit fireplace. As Sirius walked into the room, the man turned around, and Sirius' breath caught. Standing before him was a young man with black messy hair, and brown eyes, sparkling with love. He looked as if he hadn't aged a day.
James bounded forward, and almost crushed Sirius into a tight hug. Sirius stood frozen, even when James whispered in his ear, "Siri, oh, Siri" in happiness, but his words seemed to also be tinged with desperation and sadness.
Sirius gathered his wits enough to hug him back, knowing that no matter what else was going on, being in James' arms no harm would ever befall him. James would always protect him, should he need it. And at that thought, a couple of tears escaped him, because James had protected him as much as could before his untimely death. But Sirius hadn't done the same.
Sirius had been battling a couple of uncaptured Death Eaters that had attacked Harry, Remus and himself, who had unsuspectingly been shopping in a new Wizarding village that had recently been built. Despite his time away at Azkaban, and even couped up at Grimmauld Place for months on end, he had spent time getting used to practising magic, and duelling again. He pushed Harry and Remus behind him, while he fought them off, very effectively and efficiently. Harry and Remus had their wands out, and helped with the occasional curse sent Sirius' way, but Sirius really didn't need help, even against three Death Eaters.
What all three of them had managed to miss, was another Death Eater who had been lurking behind a nearby building and had aimed his wand at Harry. Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw a brief movement, enough for him to turn around swiftly, automatically stepping forward to put his body between the threat and Harry and Remus. However, despite his instincts, Sirius had been surprised enough to not block the spell coming his way, and the next thing he knew was waking up in Potter Manor.
Sirius tightened his grip on James, maybe even to the point he was hurting him unintentionally, but James uttered no complaint. Eventually when James pulled away, tears streaking his face as well, but refusing to let go of Sirius completely, he kept an arm wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him towards the couch. Sirius went willingly with him, whispering, "why are we at Potter manor?"
James removed his arm from Sirius' shoulders, but turned his body so his left leg was tucked under him and his body was entirely facing Sirius', with his knee touching Sirius' leg. He grabbed ahold of Sirius' arm and started absentmindedly tracing his fingers along with it, wanting to have tangent proof that Sirius was here, present with him, right now.
"It's the place you feel safest at. Everything you want, everything you need, is within your reach," James explained, his voice tinged with sadness. "… Except for those that are still alive."
Sirius was overwhelmed with all the thoughts that were crossing his mind, with this new reality with James, his brother, sitting next to him. Without any conscious thought and casting his eyes to the floor, refusing to meet James', Sirius whispered, a single tear streaking down his face, "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry, James."
Sirius had not only trusted in the wrong individual, convincing James and Lily to confide their safety into Peter. Peter, who turned out to be the traitor, getting them killed, and Harry orphaned at age one. Sirius had then lost his head and sought revenge on Peter, who had taken advantage of Sirius' grief and framed him for James and Lily's murders and gotten himself sent to Azkaban. He had left Harry to Dumbledore's plans (at Hagrid's hands), who had then ended up at his Aunt Petunia's house, where he was unloved, highly neglected and abused. All because of Sirius' actions.
James had trusted Sirius, to protect him, to protect his family, and to care for Sirius in the event that they couldn't. Sirius had failed him on all those accounts, and more. Had failed the one person who loved and cared for him, who had taken him under his wing, under his protection, since that first day at Hogwarts, taken him into his home, into his family, shared his parents with him, and he had utterly failed him.
James, who had never been able to stand Sirius crying, wrapped his arms around Sirius, pulling his head down to rest against his shoulder, and rearranging their bodies so that they were sitting in a more comfortable position, all without letting him go. James replied softly, "I know, Sirius, I know. But you have to know I have never once blamed you. I would never blame you for any of this."
Sirius' body started shaking, as he started sobbing silently, even now, after all this time, his parents' 'lessons' heavily ingrained into him. "How, James?! How?! I told you to trust Peter, to make him secret keeper, who betrayed you, got you and Lily killed, and Harry orphaned! I couldn't even look after Harry, the way you wanted me to! He ended up at Petunia's house, and was neglected, uncared for, abused! Even when he started at Hogwarts, he was in danger every year! How can you not blame me for that? It should be laid at my feet, where it belongs. I'm responsible for all that, and I'm sorry, I'm more sorry than you'll ever know, but I can't take any of it back, I can't do anything to fix any of it," Sirius whispered, brokenly.
James tightened his grip on Sirius, hurting for his brother's immense pain. It also hadn't slipped his notice that Sirius had avoided why he hadn't been able to look after Harry, most likely to protect James from the knowledge that Sirius had spent years in Azkaban.
"Siri," James started, gently, "It was Peter who betrayed us. You only went after him when Hagrid had refused to give Harry to you, and you were concerned Hagrid would hurt Harry, accidentally if you pushed more."
"It wasn't your fault where Harry grew up," James had to swallow, the pain of knowing what his son had endured at the hands of his Aunt and her family sending pangs of pain through him, the way it always did.
James softly, with pain underlying his words, said, "You were in Azkaban, Siri. It wasn't in your control. And I know you only escaped when you realised Peter was a threat to Harry. You stayed in Azkaban long before that because you were punishing yourself."
Sirius looked up sharply, surprised, when James had mentioned Azkaban. He had never intended to bring it up to James. Sirius had deserved Azkaban and more for what he had done to James. James didn't need to know about it, didn't need to feel the guilt he undoubtedly would, in lieu of all that Sirius had done to him, to his family.
Because Sirius had doubts that James would be able to consider him part of his family now, after all the pain and hurt he had caused, of how he had broken them up. Nevertheless, Sirius would always consider James his family, his brother, just like their parents had considered Sirius as one of their own.
It's why this house was where Sirius had felt safest at. When he was taken in by the Potter family, after he ran away from the Black's when he was sixteen, it had become home for him. They had loved him unconditionally, taken him in, looked after him, cared for him, trusted him.
"How did you know that? Azkaban, any of it?" Sirius asked, quietly.
"I kept track of what was going on with all of you. There's a lake nearby, that acts kind of like a Pensieve. You can look into the water, and I was able to see what was going on with any of you, whoever I had pictured in my mind at the time. Of course, I was going to keep watch on my brother, on all of you. And as for how I knew you were punishing yourself? You forget, Siri, I know you. You take on everything onto your shoulders, and you'll bear the weight of it. It's heartbreaking watching, and not being able to do anything to change it, to help you," James added, pained, thinking of Sirius' circumstances, Harry's, even Remus'. The pain that had been left behind for his family was tremendous.
Sirius responded, unable to watch James be in any pain, even emotional, without instinctively wanting to relieve it, "I'm sorry you had to see that; I wish you hadn't. You didn't need to see what it was like."
Sirius would do his best not to mention his guilt for what had happened, because he had seen the pain in James' eyes everytime he brought it up and didn't want to be a source of more pain to his brother. He would never not feel the guilt for his actions, no matter what James said. It may have been Peter's physical actions that had been responsible, but it was Sirius who put him in a position like that to do as much damage as he did.
"Of course I did! You went to Azkaban because Lily and I's will's were clearly never read or actioned! The minute we made Peter secret keeper, instead of you, I edited my will, and mentioned you weren't the Secret Keeper. There was no way I was going to leave a single doubt in anyone's minds, should anything have happened to us, that you were the one responsible. Especially since we had pretty much announced to everyone that we'd use you, as you were the most obvious choice, since you're the one we trust the most." James couldn't stop the tears, as he murmured, "I kept wondering why our wills weren't read, why they weren't actioned, and hoping that at some point, even years later, they would do so, just so that they could get you out of Azkaban. I'm sorry, Sirius. You spent thirteen years in Azkaban for something you didn't do, all because everyone thought you were our Secret Keeper. I'm so sorry we took away your life, your freedom."
Sirius noted James had mentioned 'trust', as in present tense, and the number of times James had been referring to him as his brother. Maybe their relationship wasn't shattered the way he had presumed it would be?
Sirius shook those thoughts out of his head, "James, you don't need to apologise for anything. It wasn't your fault, and I'm grateful you wrote it in your will, even if it wasn't read. What I went through was deserved because of all I had done, and I had never blamed anyone except myself for where I ended up. I am sorry that I was such a sad excuse for a godfather to Harry. I should've been the one to take him in, to protect him, love him, care for him, tell him about you and Lily."
James sighed, "Siri, you didn't deserve any of it, you were never to blame. We know you, and your heart has always been in the right place. I know you would die before you let any harm come to me or our family, if you could prevent it. You did die protecting Harry and Remus. I never wanted you to ever die for me, and I'm glad you didn't, but I'm not happy you suffered because of me."
"As for Harry… it was out of your control. Of course, I wanted for you to take him in. No one else would've been more loved than him or taken care of better than him. But you did not fail as his godfather. When you entered his life, you loved him, showed him he had someone he could rely on, could go to for help, protected him whenever you could. You did take him in, once your name was cleared, even though he was an adult. You've shown him what a family is really like, with Remus. Given everything, Lily and I couldn't have asked for more," James said softly, dropping a kiss on Sirius' forehead, a silent 'thank you'.
James looked over Sirius quietly, taking in his appearance. The long years in Azkaban had made him extremely thin, but in the years' he had escaped, he had gained some wait, and looked a lot healthier and fitter. He still was thinner, than lean, and while he looked well-rested, his eyes did still looked world-weary. They had, thankfully, lost most of the haunted look they had had in the initial months after he had escaped Azkaban, distanced from the Dementors.
James absentmindedly lifted his hand to run it through Sirius' hair, and Sirius' eyes flew up to meet James', unused to the action, but then he relaxed, closing his eyes, a tear escaping.
"What's wrong, Siri?" James asked, quietly.
Sirius shook his head minutely, "It's… been awhile since I've been this content or comfortable."
James stopped, abruptly, and Sirius opened his eyes to look over at him, silently questioning him.
"What about the past couple years, with Harry and Remus?" James asked, while resuming running his hand through Sirius' soft hair.
Sirius sighed, "Remus… I was comfortable with him, and I trusted him, but he's not you, James. He's my brother too, but it felt like there was still some distance between us, because he thinks I didn't trust him and that's why we went with Peter as Secret Keeper. I never told him about the truth about the prank… that Peter was Polyjuiced as me when he told Snape his secret." Sirius continued, regretfully, sadly, "I had been meaning to over the past couple of days, actually. Harry knows. Harry asked me about it when I was stuck at Grimmauld Place at Christmas of his fifth year."
"With Harry… I'm the godparent… he'd spent so much of his years looking after others, protecting others, his friends, the Wizarding World, I didn't want him to have to look after me as well," Sirius shrugged, as if he wasn't important enough for someone to take care of, to love.
James replied, "Yes, Harry's had a hard life, harder than any of us ever wanted for him, but I'll bet he would've loved to have known he was taking care of you, too. Siri, it goes both ways, just because you loved and took care of him, doesn't mean he can't do it for you, in fact, I'd wager it would make him want to take care of you even more."
"And regarding Remus… I'm sorry I left that all for you, on your shoulders. We should've told him after we left Hogwarts, like we initially said, but I know it's because of the war we didn't." James said, heavily, "I'm sorry that the prank came in between you guys. I guess we can only hope that at some point Harry lets Remus know, and that Remus understands why we did it."
Sirius nodded, but otherwise didn't say a word, being lulled into a relaxing state, closer to sleep than awake.
After awhile, once he had fallen asleep, James extracted himself, went and grabbed a blanket to cover Sirius with, and went to the kitchen, having heard Lily come back not too long ago. They both sat at the kitchen counter in silence for a minute, with Lily just holding James' hand in comfort, until he got his thoughts together.
A tear slid down his face. "Lily, we left him with so much pain, guilt. He was sent to Azkaban because of me. He's been hurting all this time. Even with Remus and Harry, he's been the strong one, the protective one. He never let anyone take care of him, this whole time!"
Lily hugged him, and reminded him, "You know we put it in our wills. I know you feel guilty, I do too. He shouldn't have suffered as he has, it's not right nor fair. But he's in our arms now, and we need to remind him what being apart of our family means. Because knowing him, he probably thinks we don't want him apart of ours anymore."
James shook his head, aghast, "What?! Of course we want him apart of our family. He's been apart of mine since he first started at Hogwarts…" As he said those words, James vividly recalled what Sirius was like in the first year of Hogwarts. He had been distrusting, grateful for any care given to him, but also not expecting it to last. It had taken a long time to build that trust before they had gotten to the point where Sirius wholeheartedly believed James would help him, no questions asked, and had run to James' place when he ran away from his own parents.
"No, you're right, Lil's. And despite wishing he had been alive longer, had gotten a chance to find true happiness, I can't help but be grateful he's here with us, so we can look after him, the way it always should've been."
