Remus had his back pressed against the door, wishing he could just melt into the floorboards. He rubbed his hands across his temple in exasperation. It's been years since his emotions have gone so off the fritz. Not even his time with Tonks was this nerve wracking. What was it about his new neighbor that made him feel like a teenager? He was certain he was just overworked. He did spend his morning lecturing without water. Maybe he was dehydrated. He needed to drink water.
He went to the fridge and opened it. The first thing his eyes caught was a container with now spoiled food that he forgot he made. He took it out and placed it on the counter before realizing that there was no space in the sink so he needed to do that before he could water the tupperware. He opened the trash and saw that it was full. If Remus tried to dump it now it would likely end up on the floor. He put the container back in the fridge and started washing the dishes. He considered the possibility of not going. He had already interrupted their time together. He needed to focus on his work. Plus, he had a new office to set up. If he asked for a rain check, would Sirius be disappointed?
What an absurd thought! He was losing it. Remus scrubbed at a unfortunately crusty plate with the might of a man who was on a mission. What mission that was, Remus wasn't entirely sure. He would just take a rain check. He would slip a note under the door with his home number and ask to reschedule. He needed to put himself together. Tie up loose ends. But what if that took too long. What if he just isolated Sirius just like he had done with others in the past? He dropped the plate into the sink with the rest of the dirty dishes and filled it with water and a little bit of dish soap. He determined that this was the only plausible solution since the scrubbing wasn't working. He looked at the clock on the wall and saw that it was close to six now. He had a few hours before Tonks had lunch so he decided to take a shower. That always eased his nerves.
Remus twisted the faucet to the middle. He stripped out of his clothes and climbed inside. The cool water hitting his skin. His mind focused on the pressure of the water. On the shiver that climbed his back. On the water pooling slightly at his feet. He didn't want to think anymore. He just wanted to talk to Tonks already. He ran his hands through his damp hair and proceeded to lather, humming to keep his mind from wandering too far.
When he got out, Remus wrapped a towel around his waist and took a smaller one to his hair. He dried off his hair and brushed his teeth, feeling refreshed after a long day. He grabbed his laptop and headed over to the coffee table. He never called earlier than eight. She didn't have lunch until that time anyways and it was just easier to wait till he knew she was off. He still had an hour before he would call. Remus considered giving his landlord a call and asking about the room, but he figured he wouldn't answer now anyways. It wasn't even worth it because he was pretty sure Rufus was lying anyways. He would just wait until he saw the man again.
Remus realized that he hadn't eaten yet, but he was too tired to really cook anything for himself. He was already wearing his pajamas and wasn't really in the mood to go out. He remembered the rancid food and the unwashed dishes in the sink and wanted to do nothing less. He looked down at himself in blue checkered bottoms and clean white tee and figured if he threw on a jacket it would be fine. It's not like anyone from work lives near here. He would just go down the street to the local chinese take out spot and head back.
Remus slipped on his tennis shoes and jacket before shoving his keys and his wallet into the pockets. He also put on sunglasses, even though the sun was almost set. He usually would get dressed nicely, at least jeans and a button up even if it's for a second. He wasn't going to take any chances. He didn't want to be seen as this disheveled, unkempt man getting food. He had an image to present afterall. He had once seen the Dean of the English department at the park across the complex he lives in. It was a few years back and it seemed like he was there for a party, but it didn't change the fact that he had seen him there once and he could be there again. It wasn't impossible.
He exited his apartment and walked out onto the street, very aware of his presence. Caught a few people watching him and he considered pulling the hood of his jacket over his head, but he left it alone and instead straightened his back. He hoped that he was giving off an air of 'I don't care what you think', but he was pressed close to the walls of buildings on the sidewalk, desperate to blend in. He checked his watch. He had a good forty three minutes to get food and head back. Somehow, it felt like June's Kitchen was farther than he was used to.
The streets were packed with cars. They honked and insisted that they were more important. Desperate to get to their destination. There was very little plant life in the area. The trees looked sad and suffocated. The petrol in the air here was overwhelming. In all the time Remus lived in the city, the trees seemed to be frozen in time, never growing. The only thing that grew was the pile of trash that slowly piled up around the roots. He never understood why they planted trees somewhere so inhospitable. It was kind of cruel. He knew that it was important to have plants as they are a vital part of the ecosystem of Earth, but something more sustainable. It was far too hot here and all the big trees were planted at a point when the city was merely a fraction of what it is now. He felt like he could identify with the poor trees. It wasn't that he hated his life, but he felt stuck. Unchanging. Petrified even.
He checked his watch on impulse, but he didn't actually register the time. It didn't matter because he saw the green neon sign and the display food in the window as he turned the corner. It was the only store in the little plaza that had a lit sign. The other stores surrounding the little L shaped lot had banners or half functioning bulbs. It was not nearly as bright as June's.
It was one of the first places he ate at when he moved into this city after getting a job. He was surprised to find such great food so near by. When he lived with his family, everything was a drive. There was no way to get decent food without getting in a car. In fact, there wasn't anything other than houses within a 5 mile radius. So being so close to eateries was a new experience for him. June's Kitchen was sort of a reminder that he was independent. He wasn't stuck with his parents. He was making his own money and paying for his own food. He was free. He only came on special occasions or when the Indian restaurant closed early. Remus went often enough that he knew Mr. Banerjee alway closed early on Thursday's so that he could take his son to soccer practice.
Remus opened the door and the little tinkle greeted him. No one was in line, but there were three people sitting at a table in the corner and someone eating by themselves, papers scattered around them. The fluorescent lights were slightly dim and the linoleum floors were a checkered black and white with cracks lacing a few of them. Remus approached the counter and June came out of the kitchen to greet him. A look of confusion spread across her face for just a moment her eyes widened.
"Remus, Is that you?" She asked. He was confused why she would ask, completely forgetting how he was dressed at the moment. He took the sunglasses off and smiled awkwardly.
"Yeah, sorry. I don't know what this is all about." She laughed.
"You do know we have take out options?" She said with a grin. Remus felt his face get hot. "I'm just playing with you. It's good to see you. I'm glad to know you own more than just suits." Remus was starting to wonder if he needed a new wardrobe. He might be overdoing it with the suit thing. "Come sit! Let's talk for a bit."
The two of them sat down and chatted. He didn't really know June, but she was young. She took over her parents' business and did a regrand opening. Her parents were very supportive of her decision, but Remus knew that she just wanted to make it more personal. She didn't really want to run a business, but she didn't hate it either. The two of them spoke about the newest production the city was hosting and the books they read recently. She took a moment to get his order and brought out a plate of egg rolls, on the house.
"So how is Tonks?" She asked. "I talked to her a few weeks ago, but she's been super busy."
"Yeah, she's always been the hard working type. I was going to call her after I got food. Would you want to talk to her?"
"Nah, it's okay. I don't want to interrupt anything important." She said, making little kissy faces at Remus.
"June, I know you two are friends, but I don't need to know that she tells you these kinds of things."
"Don't be such a prude, Remus."
"Yeah, Remus."said an oddly familiar voice. Remus looked up towards the voice from the booth he was sitting at with June. Standing on his left hand side was a man he thought he would never see again. The man's golden hair was curly and messy, framing his oval face in a halo. Gil's blue eyes stared back at him and Remus wished desperately that he would combust.
"Hello sir, how can I help you." June said, standing up from her seat and placing herself in between the two of them.
"Uh, I came here for food, but…"
"Great! We have tons. Come with me." She said, basically shoving the man away from Remus. Remus didn't move. Instead, his gaze followed Gil as he was forcibly brought down to the counter at the other end of the room. It had been a full decade at least since he had seen him in person. His mind was racing again. It didn't seem like today was going to slow down any time soon. He saw Gil turn his head to look back at him and he looked away immediately. He was desperate to not make any more eye contact with the man. Thankfully, Stu brought out his food in a plastic bag and got up to leave. Stu handed him his receipt that had the words Get out of here, we'll talk later scrawled across the bottom. Remus looked over at June and mouthed thank you before leaving. He wasn't sure if she saw it, but he wasn't sticking around to find out.
He walked out, dipping around the corner as fast as he could. Remus could have swore he heard the bell jingle.
In a few minutes, he arrived back at the apartment and put the food on the coffee table. He looked at his watch and realized it was almost eight thirty. He grabbed his laptop and loaded skype. He hoped that she would have some extra time today. It was rare, but he was hoping for the best. The look in Gil's eyes flashed through his mind. The arrogant, yet kind expression was just as playful as he remembered it being. It was like time hadn't passed. He was back in high school. Back with the drama department. Back in the dressing room and the rafters. In the bleachers.
"Remus. Goodness, for a second I was worried something had happened." The sound of Tonks voice eased the erratic thoughts he didn't know how to deal with. She was dressed in a polo with the company logo. Her pink hair pulled behind her head in a messy bun.
"You're not gonna believe who I just ran into." He said a little more winded and panicky than he meant to.
"Well shit, okay. Give me a second. I'm gonna ask my boss for a longer lunch today."
Remus took out the food and saw that June had given him extra egg rolls. He took a bite, but his stomach was in no place to be digesting food. Put it back in the container and waited for Tonks to come back. This wasn't his life right now. Remus tried to consider all the reasons why Gil would be here of all places. He was successful enough. He has worked on Broadway and has even been in a few independent films. He's an upcoming star in the theater world. Whenever someone at work talked about him or ads came up on tv for his latest movie, it didn't matter. He wasn't physically there, he could just leave the conversation or turn off the tv. He couldn't turn this off. Gil was at June's Kitchen. He was in the city. Why in the world was he here?
"Okay, I have time. Spill." She said and Remus told her everything that happened at June's Kitchen. She took a moment to take it all in.
"God, I spent the whole time talking about myself. How have you…"
"Love, please. I want to focus on you right now. I mean, you saw Gil again. Are you okay?" Remus hesitates.
"Yeah I'm fine. I was just alarmed is all. I haven't thought about him in years." Remus saw Tonks sigh and place her head on her hand .
"Remus I know you don't want to worry me, but when you try and ignore how you're feeling it only worries me more." He felt an impulse to apologize, but he held back.
"Thank you... it's just… I don't know how to feel about it. It was probably just a one time thing anyways. It was overwhelming, that's all."
"I'm sure it was just a one time thing. Maybe he's in town for a bit. He's a busy man. I wouldn't think about it too much." Tonks paused for a moment. "Forget about Gil. I want to know about our new neighbors."
Remus couldn't believe that it was just earlier today that he was helping Sirius move in. He thought back to his gentleness and to his smile. His heart felt like it skipped a beat. He was getting clammy for some reason. He started mumbling into the phone. He tried to speak normally, but by the end of it he gave up.
"Oh my god, Remus. Do you have a crush already?" Tonks asked with an air of delight. Remus was quick to deny Tonks implication. Why would he have a crush? He barely knew the man. It didn't matter if his laugh was intoxicating or how his eyes would look at him with such earnestness. He didn't do crushes. He was an adult. "Can you send me a picture?"
"And how in the world am I going to do that? I don't even own a working camera."
"Fine, I'll just have to come and meet him."
"What do you mean?"
"I'm coming back for Christmas! I already bought my ticket." Remus felt both thrilled and dejected. It had been a long time since they had seen each other in person. He missed her deeply, but he wanted to make a grand gesture. She did so much for him, it felt so unfair to have her come all the way here. He hasn't gone to Australia yet. He has never seen her work or gotten to know her life there on a personal level. He put that aside and focused on the fact that they would be able to spend the holidays together.
"How long have you been planning all this?" He asked.
"I asked my boss two weeks ago for time off and she agreed,'' she said, excitement plastered on her face, "I just bought my ticket yesterday."
"When do you need me to come get you? Do you have everything? Is Jude coming along?" Remus started listing every question he could think of before Tonks cut him off.
"Lu, it's just gonna be you and me. I'm coming back on Christmas Eve and I can't wait to hold you again."
"Me too, love."
"Oh, and have some fun before I come back okay? Don't hold back on account that I'm coming back." She winked and Remus rubbed his eyes.
"If I say yes, will you stop telling June about our calls?" She laughed.
"Fine. I got to go. I'll talk to you later okay?" And with that, Remus blew her a kiss and she caught it before hanging up.
Tonks had no idea what she was talking about. He had his escapades here and there. Remus wasn't holding back on her account. He was just not interested in other people. Very few ever managed to capture his attention. He had to face it; Sirius did something to him. He was intrigued by the man and the family he has. He wanted to ask questions, genuine questions and not just polite conversation. He wanted to know all the scary and real things about the dark haired man. He took the uneaten food and placed it in the fridge. He looked at the rotting food, he didn't want to deal with the mess, but he felt like he had to. If not now, then when? He decided to wash the dishes and clean the fridge out before calling it a night.
He allowed himself to consider what Tonks said about Sirius while tidying his space. Tonks thinks Remus has a crush on Sirius. He wondered what she could have possibly seen or heard to make her come to that conclusion. He didn't see it that way. It had to be admiration. Being a single father is tough enough, but moving to a new city and doing everything you can to be a good father takes time and energy. He never knew his own father to be that kind of man. He never really felt cared for by either of his parents. In fact, at times, it seemed like they wished they didn't have a child. That he was a burden. That if they could have gotten rid of him without ruining their reputation, they could have. Sirius loved Harry more than anything in the world. It had to be that. He just saw a loving father and became curious.
At the same time, Remus couldn't deny how handsome Sirius was. He had very defined arms, long dark hair, and dark eyes that made them look like a mirror. He wondered what he looked like without a shirt on. He wished that he didn't have these kinds of thoughts. He wished he wasn't so quick to be drawn into someone. It was so immature. Plus, he hasn't dated too many men since Gil. They are far too complicated to make sense of. They played a lot of games. At least all the men he's ever dated, especially when he was at university. Sirius was a fine looking man, but what if that was it? No, deep down, Remus could feel that Sirius wasn't like a lot of the people he dated in the past, but that didn't stop him from imagining the worst. Remus finished cleaning his space with a sigh. He went back to the coffee table, closed his laptop, and plugged it in before finishing his nightly routine.
Remus drifted to sleep with one final thought lingering in his mind: was Sirius even into guys, let alone guys like him?
