Pain in the ass woman!

17 years ago, I met Subaru at the Loot House in the Royal Captial. When I first met him, he had the weirdest appearance I've ever seen. To his clothes, hair, and the way he talked at times was weird. But the weirdest thing of all, was the fact that meeting him, my life changed.

I was soooo used to no one besides Puck caring for me, that when Subaru came along, he gave me soooo much attention and acted so friendly with me. At first, I just wanted him to give him the payment he deserved for saving me back at the Loot House, that I didn't take notice that I was sooooo happy when I'm with him. When I caught him having lots of stress, I wanted to do something. I brought him hear didn't I.

That's what I told myself back then. It was actually because I wanted to help him, and to keep him with me longer. Subaru got hurt later and when he came back with all his injuries, how could I not blame myself? But he still treated me with kindness and even asked me out on a date. I didn't understand why he did all of this, but all I knew was I was happy whenever I was with him.

Those first few months with him were fun. Whenever we had time, we talked or played a game that Subaru always came up with. I liked being with him but not everything was great back then. We had our first fight.

I had hopes that he could see me as a regular girl, but even to him I was special and couldn't look at me the same. I thought, this is what happens if he stands with me. This is what happens if I let someone get close to me. They get hurt because of me. But he came back to me. He always did. I was soooo confused, why did he come back. I never did understand why he pushed himself when he said it was for me. Now I know why.

It was because he loved me.

I didn't know how to respond to his feelings that day. All I knew was whatever my heart was feeling, I wanted to keep that feeling.

Lots of things happened during the following weeks. Roswaal had his own plans, the mansion was under attack, the Great Rabbit was coming. A lot of it was dangerous and we lived somehow, all thanks to Subaru. Lots of good things happened too. Garfiel joined us, I passed the trials, Beatrice was in a contract with Subaru, and we sent the Great Rabbit somewhere else entirely. But to me, nothing was the conversation me and Subaru had.

My memories were blocked off it was soooo strange. The trials felt impossible to beat and forgetting mother Fortuna and father Guese was unforgivable. I should have never forgotten them. I felt so terrible. When Subaru broke his promise to me again, I couldn't trust him. I had to run away from this. But Subaru always finds me.

I was giving everyone a hard time because I couldn't get myself together, but when Subaru came and talked to me, I couldn't help but not trust him. He lied like everyone else did. He knew that promises were important, but he went and lied to me again. What was so hard about holding my hand for the night. Worse, he just looked at me and told me nothing. He said he loved me, but he never showed it. He would treat me like a doll and not a normal person. That's what I thought, until he called me a pain in the ass woman.

That's what he called me.

From there I had my first kiss. Back then, I didn't know what to do. It was a new feeling and it all happened soooo fast. But when our lips touched, when our tongues met, I could feel time stopping. That day, I wanted to return the feelings Subaru gave me. I wanted to give him a proper answer. I wanted to understand how to love him.

Took me a long time to even understand sadly. A year later we continued our lives and he waited. He never brought the topic up, but I knew why. No matter what he said, he had to wait until I even gave him a proper answer. What sucks more is that it took our safety to even recognize my feelings for him. Regulus tried to make me his wife, but I couldn't as I wanted to marry Subaru instead. I think that's when I started to realize my feelings towards him. When the topic of marriage came up, I would talk about it, and I always thought of Subaru in the back of my head. Why? Why would I talk about this if he isn't even here? I knew why. If I ever wanted to be married, it would be with Subaru and no one else.

Somewhere around when we went to Pleiades Tower, that's when I started to understand love. Every time he was missing or injured, I didn't want to let him go. I didn't want anyone else near him because I felt like he might get hurt again. When I found him with Shaula, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to hug him to show him how much he worried me, but I didn't. Instead, I kicked him. I didn't know why I did it, but seeing him with someone else, it made me jealous.

We talked and I didn't want to leave him out of my sights, but when it mattered the most, he lost his memories.

I didn't know what to do. He didn't remember me; he didn't remember Beatrice; he didn't remember nothing he did when he was with us. I was worried that Subaru might be afraid of me, I thought he would never love me again or even be kind to me. But Subaru was still Subaru. Even without his memories he still complemented me and even said I was dangerously cute. All my fears vanished but I still wanted to get his memories back. He was such a dunderhead for even losing them.

When he got his memories back, I didn't care if I was fighting an Archbishop, all I wanted was to be with Subaru. Looking back, we were reaaaaaaaally awkward back then. We couldn't stop touching each other and we kept flirting. I didn't reaaally know how to flirt back then but I just knew we were flirting. During that moment, I just wanted nothing but be with Subaru.

He always told me about the stars. He told me all of their names and stories each one had. He always looked mesmerized when he looked up and talked about them. I always smiled whenever he had passion in his voice. I always wanted to see him like that because it made him soooo happy. Now whenever I look at him, he was my star.

After a couple months since we came back from the tower, my heart felt reaaaaaaally weird whenever I saw him. It was like I couldn't even talk to him anymore. I felt reaaaaally bad that I ignored him for some time. I didn't know what to say and whenever I tried, I got too flustered to even think.

When the time came for me to confess my feelings to him, I wanted to show him how much I've gone through. I wanted to show him I understood his feelings for me. I wanted to show him how much I loved him. When I finally confessed my feelings, it felt like a huge weight on my heart finally lifted.

I love Natsuki Subaru. The way he treats me, the way he does his best to help others, how he never hides how he feels, to his sharp looking eyes I love so dear. Whenever I look at him, my heart can't stop throbbing. He was able to help me live a life I can be proud of. He made me a stronger person. He gave me the confidence I needed. He allowed me to become the Queen. He allowed me to save the people at Elior Forest. He showed me what it was like to understand love, and to love the person I hold so dear to me.

I love him so, so so much. Everything about him is perfect in my eyes. When it came time to maybe start a family, we had to get married first. At the time it wasn't possible. I wasn't allowed to get married until the Royal Selection was over and it felt too early for the both of us. We had to wait for quite some time. Thankfully no one wanted to marry a half-elf so me and Subaru never had to worry about someone trying to marry me. When I was finally announced as Queen, I was sent many offerings to marry some nobles. I declined all of them obviously. The day I was made Queen, Subaru made the dumbest choice imaginable.

He proposed to me that very same day. Not only the same day, but during my own Ceremony. It's like if I was confessing my feelings to Subaru when he was being knighted. But it was Subaru, he didn't care if it was in front of the whole country. He always showed the world how much he loves me; this was no different. I couldn't turn him down, especially with sooooo many people there. That day was a memory that both of us will never forget.

2 years into our marriage I asked Subaru about having kids. We always talked about having kids and what we could name them. He wanted to name them after the stars. A lot of star names sounded funny and only a few sounded good. But every name I came up with, Subaru just laughed. He kept saying things like, 'who would name their child Tonnura.' Subaru was such a knucklehead that he didn't take my naming skills seriously. The only one he liked was Chochorina. The more he said it the more he liked it apparently. At least he liked one of them.

When we were deciding if we were ready or not, Subaru asked me something reaaaally important. He asked if I knew what sex was. I didn't know how, but with all my years with Subaru, he never told me how babies were properly made. He always told me to ask Ram, Rem, or Frederica. He was my husband why didn't he tell me. Now I know why. I don't want to think back to that conversation as it was too embarrassing to remember. Subaru had to get help from Ram as since Rem and Frederica were busy at the time. Let's just say that Ram wasn't pulling any punches for Subaru, or even me at that matter.

After having a 'interesting' conversation, Ram left the room and gave me some weird advice. She told me if Subaru didn't have the confidence to do it, I'll have to take control. That's what she said, if it came from me. She was much, much harsher and used reaaaaally weird words. But later that day me and Subaru had a, interesting time.

Lots of things happened afterwards, Chochorina was born, we moved away from the Castle and back to Roswaals mansion. We thought it would be better if Chochorina would grow up with people and not just maids that are there to do their jobs. Her growing up around people like Garfiel and Otto was something Subaru wanted. But he always made she didn't pick up any funny habits from Garfiel since he always bit through metal knives.

Everything I have right now is all thanks to Subaru. He gave me everything. He showed me what it was like to love someone. He showed me what it was like to have a family. He gave me everything, so I want to give him everything as well.

That's why I love him.


Promise-breaking liar!

I can't believe it's been 17 years since I met Emilia. I don't know what I would have done the moment I entered Lugnica. It felt so fast, and it was so rough on me for being weak. But the moment Emilia came and helped me out she gave me something to follow at first. I gotta help her. That's what I thought. She helped me and I wanted to help her, simple as that. Who knew that later down the line the same thing repeated over and over again. Of course, my life here can't be all nice and I have to find out I can Return By Death. Nice and Subaru don't have a good pairing after all. But Subaru and Emilia have a 1000% compatibility rate!

At first, I felt like I owed her for saving me, yeah, I wanted to genuinely help her out, but she saved me big time. She'll never know how much she really helped me out in that first loop. Without her, I don't think I would have been able to improve as a person. Because of her I was able to move past my fla- wait. Shit. No, too early, that happens later. But thanks to her, she gave me a place to stay, a new start, and a reason to keep going.

After the whole debacle with Elsa, I found myself at Roswaal's mansion. There I met Ram and Rem and started my life as a butler. After finding out Rem killed me because I had the Witch's scent all over me, what was I supposed to do? I couldn't tell Emilia about Return By Death, I couldn't convince Rem I wasn't a Witch Cultist, I didn't know what to do. But I vowed that I would save Rem from dying in my place. I would make sure I prevented anyone from dying. But nothing was ever easy. I tried so god damn hard to make sure I didn't seem too suspicious to Rem. I tried so hard to make everything right. I felt like I was going to die. I didn't want to die, not again. I had to keep going no matter what. If I failed here, what does it mean to try again. If I try again, doesn't that mean I would fail no matter what. But Emilia noticed however, why wouldn't she.

Of all things Emilia would do is give me a lap pillow, this girl was so adorable. When it came time to talk about what was going on, I didn't want to talk about it. I couldn't talk about it. I didn't want to drag Emilia into this. But she had to smooth talk her way into my heart. Every little thing she did that day captured my heart. Her soothing voice, her tender skin, her beautiful silver hair, all of it was telling me to calm down and let it out. So, I did.

I cried and cried until nothing came out. I sank my head into her laps as I sought for comfort. I told her everything I could to let out my stress. I let it all out, and she sat there, comforting me. That's when I knew I loved Emilia. Ever since coming to this world, she saved me no matter what it was. No matter how little or how big, she would always save me. I cried so much I fell asleep on her laps. Good going Subaru, great steps towards your relationship. Take notes, if you ever want your crush to love you, cry on her laps and fall asleep like a child. Worked for me.

After she saved me from the brink of insanity, I had to take what Emilia gave me and make it all worth it in this loop. No matter what it took. I did my best to save everyone in the village and in the mansion. I couldn't help but be a sore loser and get cursed a thousand times making the situation worse. We figured it out thankfully. After that we had peace in the mansion for a few months.

I went out on my date with Emilia, made mayonnaise, played the king game, we did lots of things. I enjoyed every minute of it. Too bad I had to go and fuck it all up. I messed up big time at the Royal Selection. I made terrible impressions, embarrassed myself, and worse of all, I embarrassed Emilia.

I acted like I could do anything, especially with everything that I've done up till then. I was an incompetent idiot who tried to look good in front of a girl. The worst part is, I have to die over and over and over again to even tell myself I haven't changed. All my life, I did nothing. Nothing changed ever since coming here. Thankfully Rem was the one who told me I was worth something. Did I have feelings for her, yes. Was I the worst for having feelings for two girls, absolutely. I didn't think about that during that time, I had more important matters.

After I got rid of Betelgeuse, I had to confront Emilia. I had so many things to say to her, so many, but I only said 3 words to tell her when I first saw her. I Love You.

Those words were all I needed. I didn't get the chance to say them before, but if she was going to push me away, that's all I needed to say. After getting the bomb away from the carriages, me and Emilia sat down and talked. I made sure to apologize to her, I made sure to tell her how I feel. I made sure. After everything, I fought to see her smile.

But life doesn't like to treat me well now does it. I find out Roswaal knows about Return By Death and plans on using me and sent assassins to the mansion and the Great Rabbits were coming. Didn't help that I was so busy with the Witches that I didn't ask for anyone else's help. I thought if only I died and suffered, then no one else would have too as well. It took the Witch of Envy herself to love myself more. Well technically wasn't the Witch, it was Satella. If she was telling me to love myself more, I had to try at least.

I made a bet with Roswaal and I had to confront Emilia afterwards. If she was going to trust me, I had to ask her what was bothering her. It was the least I could do. She told me what was going on in the trials. She told me how she was stuck in the ice for 100 years. She told me everything that was bothering her. I wanted to help her in the trials and make sure she stood tall, no matter how much she fell. But when I promised her that I'd hold her hand until the next day, I broke my promise again. I still don't know if it was worth going into the trials and writing on the walls or I wasn't thinking about her feelings. I still don't know. But we argued like hell inside the tomb.

I tried to get her to believe me, I tried everything I could, but she just wouldn't. I didn't want to show that I was getting angry but I was. It pissed me off that she couldn't listen to what I was trying to say. I didn't know what to do and I kissed her. I loved her and I wanted her to know. It wasn't just a word that I was saying but they were my feelings. The reason why I keep going in this world.

If anything, that's probably when our relationship started to actually move a bit. But Emilia wasn't the best when it came to understanding love so it took much longer than I hoped. Almost 2 years for her to tell me she felt something but that's later. A year later, our relationship didn't move as much as I wanted it too. I didn't really notice this but when we talked, we only focused on each other. Beako told us that whenever we talk, we ignore everything around us. We never noticed this until years later. Heck, we never even knew we did this early on. It was nice, spending time with her. Until that asshole Regulus showed up and kidnapped her.

I know, it's been years since that happened, BUT NO ONE NTR'S ME! NO ONE! Even if she wasn't my wife back then she was mine. I don't care who you were, no one takes Emilia from me. Thankfully I had Reinhard with me to fuck that bastard up. God she was so gorgeous in that dress. God thinking about it pisses me off that was the first time seeing EMT in a wedding dress! I can't have anything happy can I.

Sadly, we couldn't bring back the people who were turned by Capella. We sent out to Pleiades Tower, my hell. Emilia starts off the journey by saying something like that even if Rem wakes and and I focus on her, she'll do her best to make me look at her back. I was so confused back then, that I didn't know how to process what she said. I kept it in the back of my head but I couldn't properly make out what she meant. We had nice chats but I had to lose my memories. Like Emilia would say, I'm a dunderhead for losing my memories.

I never wanted to worry anyone but it was my fault that an Archbishop took over my body. I couldn't tell her in words how much I loved seeing the sight of Emilia once I regained them. I could stand at her sight, but we both had something to do. After everything that went down in the tower, I wanted to settle down with her. But she started acting really weird. She ignored me at times and seemed to be avoiding me. I didn't know what was wrong so instead of trying to talk to her, I asked Beako. She said I was being too oblivious to what was going on. Was it that obvious why she was avoiding me? I didn't break any promises recently. So, I had no idea.

When I say I was surprised when Emilia told me she loved me, I was frozen. I didn't know how to feel. It felt like the world finally decided to give me a break and let me feel alive again. I loved Emilia. I loved her so much I would die just from looking at her. My heart would skip a beat the more I stared into her. Every time I would touch her felt like heaven. I don't deserve her. Of all people she came to love, it was me. There were a billion-better options, but I'm glad she chose me out of everyone. When she told me her feelings, I did my best to cherish her for every moment I had with her like it would be my last. No matter what that second was with her, I would cherish it.

She's the very reason why I live, why I never give up, why I dream. She's everything to me. I don't care that I suffered to be with her, because she makes it up by a long shot.

We had a lot of fun together. If anything, Emilia was always planning dates and visiting my room every day. There were days when she would even sleep with me or I would sleep with her. Of course, everyone in the mansion knew we were together but we couldn't exactly just sleep together since we had our own privacy. But we didn't care after a while. It became common for us to sleep together. Beako complained but she loved that she could hold onto Emilia in her sleep. When the Royal Selection was coming up, I planned on proposing to her after but I couldn't wait any longer. I planned to propose to her on her own Ceremony once she was announced as Queen. I had to get certain people to back me up since I wasn't allowed to interfere with the Ceremony. No one was until Emilia was crowned. So, I asked help from Julius to get permission to make my own moves.

That bastard knew what I was planning and he helped me through every step of the way. Thankfully I got permission to propose to her. The council asked me if I was even sure she would say yes. I knew she would. All the conversations about us having kids and getting married, I knew she would say yes. I wanted to show the world that Emilia would be mine. Let me tell you, I had no idea how much the idea of proposing to Emilia in front of the whole country, didn't exactly cross my mind. I was in front of everyone when I proposed to her and the first thing she said was yes. Even before I got down to say what I was about to say. The moment she saw me kneel in front of her she yelled out yes.

That girl didn't even let me say what I wanted to say. Instead, she took the words right how of me. I still told the world how I felt about her, how much she means to me, I did it all. From that day on, I could finally say I wasn't the only Natsuki out there in this world.

We eventually had Chochorina and Keid. Those two were everything to us. I wanted to make sure their lives would be happy ones compared to me and Emilia. We didn't want any despair in their lives. They would have issues along the way, but we were here to guide them to a bright future.

I should also mention that along all these years that I did loose feelings for Rem. It'll only be natural. 16 years go by and you still have feelings for someone you're not even with, I'm not the same Subaru as before. Rem still matters to me a lot. She saved me from the darkness and set me on a path that I could never repay. I never did save her. I failed her. So, in return, I promised that I would watch over her right now even if she doesn't have any memories.

I'm grateful for everything Emilia has given me. Everything she did for me the past 17 years. She gave me every opportunity in the world. She showed me what it was like to be happy. She showed me how to be myself. I love her for everything she represents in my life. Without her, I would be nothing.

That's why I love her.

"Hey Otto, were you even listening?" Subaru looked up as he stared as a sleeping Otto.

"Ehh!? Sorry Nastuki-san, Emilia-sama came to me earlier this morning and told me the exact same time you just told me..." Otto yawned as he didn't notice a stunned and angry Subaru.

"Come on man! I literally explained something very important to me."

"Try listening it to the same thing twice but longer."

"And you wonder why me, Garf, and Rina bully you."


First I want to say sorry for everyone that had to wait like 2 weeks to see the 3rd chapter. So I apologize if some of you thought I dropped this story. I just had issues trying to write this chapter and I had an entirely different chapter planned but I decided to move it to the next one and get straight to the point. Also last thing is that Otto did not hear anything involving Return By Death. He heard everything but parts mention it so that's what he heard. I hope you guys enjoyed this!