Notes 1: Hello, I'm taking a break from my OCs and world-building — I managed to publish 36k words of original hallucinations in seven months :))) — to write some self-indulgent Hyouka.

Parts of this fic came to me in a dream where I was Fuyumi Irisu and knew Asami Toba for some reason — which is strange but also very on-brand of me (most of my dreams are incoherent and rarely follow logic).

Essentially, I'm just trying (desperately) to understand a side character and their motives.

Notes 2: Somewhere along the way of my wakeful delirium, I figured parts of my unfinished colour me curious fic is better suited for this current outline. If you're a reader who has been waiting for me to wrap up that messy 'is Asami Toba Houtarou's middle school girlfriend or not?' story since 2018, I'm sorry. I tried to persuade myself to finish it, but the decision to delete colour me curious had been on my mind for some time now.

I did 'finish' writing iii of colour me curious somewhere in October 2020 but didn't post it because it didn't feel right to me. I convinced myself that it was because i and ii were outdated to my current writing style, so I went back and edited those two chapters but … they stayed stuck in limbo for months and months. The romance and mystery elements started aight (?), but the plot was lacking and the fact that I was jumping from one character's POV to another was an issue, it gave me a headache. In the end, I don't think I would have ever agreed with any version of the project.

imperfect recollections has recycled bits from the previous fic, but also polished parts. It makes me happy. I am satisfied that I'm able to explore Asami Toba as a character. She's so bitter in a fun, angsty way!

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please leave me an imperfect recollection

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i

;;

Asami Toba has set herself a task for the upcoming Kanya Fest.

It is a personal project with a deadline in October. The theme for her collection of photographs is 'people' and she patrols the school with a camera swung around her neck.

She has yet to disclose this project with the somewhat small bunch Photography Club. But that's alright. Most of her clubmates know not to interfere with each other's artistic choices and inspirations. They know when to keep their distances, too.

(Though, Kawauchi-senpai is an exception. Despite being new to his role as club president, there is a zealousness within him. He expects everyone to be on the same page and participate just as much. And when he doesn't receive the same level of enthusiasm, he is pushy and complains.)

To Asami, her artistic decision comes from a fact. She finds the crowd at Kamiyama High different. She's only a first-year, but she can tell that this school is a lot more lively and vibrant.

Better than Kaburaya Middle School. Asami finds herself thinking.

Temporarily pulled into the past, she is distracted by the pain in her chest. (It still hurts when prodded.) She almost misses the girl walking past her.

Almost.

But then a pair of eyes stare at Asami, and her grip around her camera tightens. She can't help but think she's found her muse.

;;

Because Fuyumi Irisu did not attend Kaburaya Middle School nor took part in the mirror graduation piece, Asami does not hate Irisu.

(Or, at least, she sees no rationale to.)

Asami stops Irisu in the halls and tells her senpai about her vision. She does not think Irisu will agree on such short notice. The timing isn't right. Summer break is about to begin and something about the heat makes people stay indoors.

However, Irisu doesn't reject Asami's request. Instead, she tells Asami that she is determined to not let the independent project fail.

It's known that Irisu has a reputation; she is someone from a well-respected family and has a nickname attached to her being. If Asami's put in the position to describe her senior, she will say that Irisu is reliable. Not 'helpful'. Asami wouldn't say 'kind' either, but reliable and proud.

Maybe this is why Asami regards Irisu with a level of respect that the second-year student is familiar with? (Despite the rumours that Irisu is skilful at making people do her bidding and has the ability to control those around her at ease — she isn't called 'The Empress' for nothing.)

It's uncertain to say, Asami herself can't put a finger on why Irisu draws her in. She would like to think that her lack of disdain has an explanation. For now, Irisu isn't an unwanted person to repel.

;;

The two girls are quiet and the occasional click click clicking of Asami's camera acts as background noise until her frustration gets to her.

"I can't get the frame right." Asami complains as she manoeuvres her camera. She dislikes the tone of her voice. She thinks she sounds like Kawauchi-senpai. Or, perhaps, a stubborn perfectionist.

Irisu takes a peek at her junior. Something in her cold stare shows interest.

"Frame?" Irisu asks.

"The colour of your eyes matches the sky. I want to highlight this but the spot we're standing in doesn't bring attention to the vastness or blue shade. We could find a classroom on the fourth floor with an open window. I can use that as our background, but … that sounds generic, don't you think? I want to get a shot of the whole sky."

Irisu is silent.

Asami is under the impression that Irisu either has nothing to say or finds no reason to speak.

Then a look on her pale face tells Asami otherwise. The gears in Irisu's head are turning and hatching a plan.

.

.

.

Irisu gives Asami a key.

;;

ii

;;

"Sorry, I'm late." Irisu apologises with a formal bow.

"It's alright," Asami answers with an even tone and wipes the sweat gathering under her jaw.

The August humidity is a slight inconvenience, but a sacrifice worth bearing. They've hit the jackpot with the location. The rooftop is perfect. Asami thinks she's managed to pin-point the time of day when the Summer sky is at its bluest.

"How was your trip to Hokkaido, Senpai?"

"Pleasant," Irisu replies. Then she says, "Class 2-F has started production of a mystery film. I'm assigned the position of director. There are a few issues."

"Will you be busy?" Asami asks. Translation: Will you back out of my project?

"Somewhat, but I promise to commit to the photography sessions," Irisu answers.

Asami can only nod her head.

"I have yet to sort out all the kinks, but I'm told by a friend that there may be someone I can rely on." Irisu adds.

Asami raises a brow. This is an odd thing to hear. She isn't aware that Irisu is the type of person to solicit help.

;;

For the longest time, the only creatures that occupy the roof are the stains on the ground, a camera attached to a tripod stand, a chair and a girl with black coal eyes.

Asami spends most of her time on her feet, looking into the camera's viewfinder; getting lost in thought and isolation. She does not expect any visitors on the rooftop. Not Kawauchi-senpai with his naturally curly hair and irritation, nor a student who happened to stumble upon the entrance or any of the school's staff members.

So when the metal door is pushed open, Asami turns her gaze. The ladder to the rooftop isn't even ten rungs tall, but still requires some upper body strength to climb up. For someone to put effort into visiting such a sad place is questionable.

Regardless, Asami recognises the person standing before her. Fuyumi Irisu is not a name, face or presence to forget.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" Irisu asks, gesturing to the lone chair.

Asami only says, "Not at all."

Irisu smoothes her skirt and sits lady-like. Asami does not take her eyes off her senior as Irisu rests her bag by her feet and extracts a book. It's a Sherlock Holmes novel.

Perplexion is written all over Asami's features.

It's not that she thinks Irisu is encroaching her space on the rooftop. It's hard to say such a thing when Irisu is the one to give Asami the key and introduce her to the hideout in the first place. It's simply the fact that Asami doesn't understand why Irisu is here; without a purpose except for the activity of reading to occupy her time.

Asami wonders how Irisu is managing her mystery film. Will Irisu spend her time studying the Ten Commandments, Chandler's Law and the Twenty Rules? Learning the guidelines set for writing detective fiction is a time consuming and complex task. The Summer sun will leave a tan on Irisu's pale skin if she doesn't get out of the heat.

"Aren't you busy?" Asami asks.

"With?" Irisu says with a cool attitude.

Asami squares her shoulders. She figured she'd see Irisu less and less with her added responsibility. Though, Asami doesn't outright say it. She beats around the bush.

"Don't you have important meetings to attend to? You're part of the Student Council Committee, aren't you?" Asami says instead.

"What makes you say that?"

"I heard you settled a heated debate between two committee members, I assumed you were one," Asami answers.

Irisu blinks her blue eyes. "When was this?"

"Last June."

"Ah, I think you're mistaken. I settled a dispute between the Light Music Club and Drama Club during the Cultural Festival Committee meeting." Irisu corrects Asami.

"Are you part of the Cultural Festival Committee then?" Asami asks and doesn't add, 'Is this why you're on board with my photography project?'

"No."

"What about the clubs you helped out with?" Asami asks.

Irisu only shakes her head.

"The Film Club?" Asami continues.

Irisu smiles. "While I am the director of Class 2-F's movie, I have no interest in films."

"What are you interested in then?"

Irisu's grin remains. "Not mystery. I'm no good at it."

;;

Asami spends the remainder of her September waiting for her pictures to develop. The deadline no longer looms over her and she feels freer.

Irisu keeps her junior company from time to time. Asami feels as if she's grown close to Irisu. In between classes and preparing for the cultural festival, Asami visits the pretty places Irisu recommends. She takes photos of the scenery, people and moments.

When October arrives, Asami is ready to show the fruits of her labour.

"Irisu-senpai," Asami says when she sees the older girl in the colourful Kamiyama High halls. "I caught the screening. The twist was interesting."

Irisu offers a soft look. She's proud. "Thank you."

"You said you aren't good with mystery but you managed well." Asami points out.

"If you're talking about the twist, that wasn't my handy-work. It's by the person I told you about."

"Who?"

There's a swell in Irisu's voice as she replies, "Houtarou Oreki-kun."

Asami's mouth goes dry and her words stay clog in her throat.

"He was very creative with the ending and title. He's wonderful, isn't he?" Irisu asks, and Asami stays quiet.

;;

During the Kanya Festival, Asami is given a slot where she has to man the Photography Club's stall. She'd rather not interact with a population of the student body. She'd rather not be here.

She's distracted and doesn't do a very good job of participating. If the club president was here, he'd be scolding her for not showing off the wall exhibiting her clubmates' latest pictures.

Asami stays dazed until Satoshi Fukube appears in the corner of her eyes. He happens to be sightseeing when he spots her.

"Toba-san, long time no see!" Satoshi says cheerfully, then adds, "It's me, Satoshi Fukube! I probably look different,"

Different is an understatement. Satoshi's removed his sunglasses so that Asami can look him in the eyes while speaking to him, but his get-up makes him stick out like a sore thumb. Maybe if Satoshi wasn't dressed as Saturn then Asami would make a comment about his appearance since she last saw him in middle school. Perhaps him growing a few centimetres or his hair length changing, but … all she can say is:

"Ah, Fukube-san. No need for introductions. I still remember you."

"How are you?"

His grin stays the same; bright and jubilant. Though, the cheerful caricature does little to soften the iron bars that guard Asami's heart. Satoshi was part of the graduation piece.

"Fine," Asami replies in an even tone.

"I'm good as well!" Satoshi replies despite her not asking.

His brown eyes then rest on the display of pictures nearest to him, taking the imagery in. He wanders about then does a double-take when his roaming gaze lands on her personal project. Her name is printed underneath.

"Were these taken by you?" He asks.

"Mm."

"They're lovely!"

"Thank you." Asami says, a bit of pride leaking into her words.

Satoshi's gaze is still on the display when the air around him shifts. "Who's this?" He points to a particular photograph.

"Irisu-senpai."

"Irisu-senpai?" For the first time during their conversation, Satoshi frowns. "You mean Fuyumi Irisu-senpai? You know each other?"

"Yes. We're … friends." She answers. His expression bugs her, so she asks, "Is something the matter?"

Satoshi pauses before his smile snaps back on. "I wouldn't say that, I just … never would have assumed you two were close."

Asami would have shrugged it off, but she can't get by his hesitance. "Would there be a problem if we are?"

"No, of course not!"

"Then why are you acting all tense and jumpy?" Asami asks.

"Um," Satoshi's front wobbles. "It's just … It's a surprise, that's all. I figured … with, uh, Houtarou …"

"Oreki-san?" Asami echoes. "How is he?"

"He … He's good."

"Is he?"

"I mean … Houtarou wasn't entirely himself for a bit. But, we went to the pool this Summer and he's better now." Satoshi answers.

" 'Better'? Did he fall ill?" Asami inquires, leaning forward from her sitting position.

Satoshi shakes his head, making his dented planetary head tilt dangerously to the side. Then he says, "You know he's here, right?"

"Visiting the festival?"

"He's a Kamiyama student like us."

"Really?" Asami feels her chest tightens. "I never … I didn't ask him where he'd go after we graduated. I … I stopped talking to him after … after the woodwork …"

Asami doesn't finish her sentence but Satoshi doesn't push her to. Instead, he jabbers on — something that is a mix of excuses and jokes.

Asami should have felt happy when Satoshi said he had to go. She often has no time for nonsense and his weird solar planet outfit brought unwanted attention. But Satoshi's unsettlement piques her interest and Asami almost wishes he didn't have to 'catch up to president-san!'

He claimed that he spotted someone in the crowd, and all Asami sees is the fading silhouette of a sailor uniform and long black hair.

;;

iii

;;

Asami finds herself struggling to fall asleep. It's a laughable thing, really. Most people toss and turn before the Kanya Fest, not after! But, here she is — exhausted yet defeated.

Her vision is blurry as she stares at the panels of her ceiling. Her anxieties get the best of her and she is too into her head. Is there a deeper correlation between Fukube, Oreki and Irisu? Does it have anything to do with her past? Why can't she live her life peacefully?

She shuts her eyes tightly and tries to empty her mind. But, the dream that she plunges into that night does a number on her.

;;

It was their first year of middle school, and Asami does not know how she would have looked at that evening if Oreki hadn't stepped in.

Asami remembers how overwhelmed she had been the day they met; too occupied with the rolled-up posters and a box full of junk to notice Oreki when he had walked into the empty hall. She was trying to juggle her overflowing supplies while pinning a poster to a notice board.

Asami probably would have approached the situation from another angle if she hadn't been so stressed and a hurried mess. She had been miserable for a while, crushed by the bad luck that was constantly thrown her way.

"Toba-san?!" A shout had cut through the space, spooking Asami.

The junk in her arms teetered and she couldn't hold it together, the posters and box slipped from her grasp.

Oh no, Asami recalls thinking.

She wanted time to slow down then, just so she could prevent another disaster, but it didn't. And as clutter crashed to the ground, surrounding her trembling feet, Asami could not even find the strength to let out a gasp.

She was that helpless. Instead, she found herself staring down the stairs where the voice had come from, expecting to be yelled at.

"Asami Toba-san?!" Ami Takasu exclaimed, calling out Asami's full name as if mocking the poor girl.

Asami could not hide the discomfort on her face. She wanted to cry, and she would have.

But, for some reason, Oreki did not let that happen.

"Let me help you," He said, appearing in her peripheral vision.

He moved, picking up anything he could and arranging them in the dented cardboard box while Asami stood there in shock.

When Oreki looked up to hand Asami her things, she caught a glimpse of his eyes. That's when she snapped to her senses and gathered herself.

It only took a few seconds but Asami's name was called two more times, each one rang with more impatience.

"Coming, Takasu-san!" Asami finally yelled back then gave Oreki a quick bow.

Oreki only managed to show her the crown of his brown head before Asami scurried off.

And as she disappeared down the stairs, struggling as she did before, she tried to burn the memory of him into her mind.

;;

Asami wakes up to the cool touch of her mother's palm on her skin.

"You have a fever, you need to rest." The older woman says.

Asami fights against it. She doesn't want to sleep, doesn't want another dream about the past. She doesn't care if she's sick.

However, the pills make her drowsy and the damp towel on her forehead lulls her.

;;

Asami met Oreki in the halls again.

She came back the next day hoping to see him. She wanted to thank him. That hurried bow of hers wasn't enough.

(At least, that's what she told herself.)

Oreki said it was good that they bumped into each other again and said he was worried about her.

"Do you think I'm being bullied?" Asami recalls asking.

Oreki becomes rigid then. He says the B-word shouldn't be used lightly. He said he heard Ami calling Asami, said he didn't like the other girl's tone.

"Takasu-san sounded rude and demanding." He told her.

Then he said he looked at the poster she had hung up after she left and contemplated on visiting the Art Society just to see if anyone else was mistreating her.

Asami couldn't help but let herself smile softly then, couldn't help but beam at this boy with messy hair and asparagus green eyes. She thought he was really sweet.

;;

This time, she does not resist. The sandman gently takes Asami by the hand.

Her dreams and memories continue to meet the same way Houtarou and Asami did in the Kaburaya halls.

Asami didn't have a lot of friends. Her classmates weren't aware of the bullying, but they weren't as understanding of her as a person either.

Sometimes Asami and Oreki would have lunch together. But most times Oreki would frequently get dragged to the canteen by his friend Satoshi Fukube.

So they'd meet up after class. They'd stayed back and have many leisure moments. They would hang out, talk, and read books. She even attempted to sketch him. And then …

And then, she eventually opened up to him about Takasu and her cronies.

;;

Asami willingly sits at the dining table and eats a full meal. She savours the taste of warm porridge and green tea.

Whatever happens next, it may be ruthless as it will be inevitable. She will need all the strength she can gather.

;;

Asami had just quit the Art Society.

A book about poems laid abandoned. Two middle schoolers are sat in a familiar stairwell space near the quiet side of the West wing. And Asami sobs about Ami Takasu and the cruelties Ami's gang of friends have inflicted on her.

Her eyes were wet behind her glasses, her hope crumbling and her confidence barely there.

Asami sought for purchase, but Oreki didn't know what to do except awkwardly pat her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Toba."

"Asami." Asami said, her voice wobbly but, at least, she lifted her face from her hands.

"What?" Oreki blinked.

"Call me 'Asami'," Asami said and Oreki could tell it was more than just about casualties. Asami needed a friend right now, she needed some reassurance and stability.

By then Oreki had known Asami Toba for about a year. He's known Satoshi Fukube for a similar amount of time and Oreki calls Satoshi by his first name on a daily basis. It wouldn't have made much of a difference, there's no intention behind the name besides comfort.

So Oreki didn't think anything of it and simply said, "Okay. Okay, Asami. Don't cry. It'll get better."

;;

Asami wakes up parched.

She wakes up drained.

She cried in her sleep despite telling herself not to. And as thirteen-year-old Oreki's words echo in her head, she wonders if things will get better.

;;

iv

;;

"Irisu-senpai, I can't thank you enough for helping me with my project. The Kanya Fest was a big success." Asami says when she bumps into Irisu a week later.

Irisu starts smiling and then stops, perhaps noticing the shadows under Asami's eyes. "Are you alright? I heard you caught a fever shortly after the festival."

"I'm fine. I'm fine," Asami pushes the issue aside. "I missed a few days of school, but it's nothing."

Irisu begins offering help. "If you need anything, I can —"

"No." Asami says so suddenly that her tone startles Irisu. "No, it's okay." She says more gently. "I don't need your help. I … I wanted to talk to you about something. Or rather, someone. Houtarou Oreki-san."

"Oreki-kun?" Irisu echoes, confused.

"Yes. When we were talking about the film, you said that Oreki-san is wonderful. And … I do think of him as such."

"You do?"

"Actually, we went to the same middle school."

Slowly, ever so slowly, Asami tells Irisu about her younger days with Oreki and all his kindness, looking backwards at imperfect recollections.

"I was bullied by a group of girls years ago. It was horrible. I hated the way they terrorised me, but I was shy and small. I didn't know who to reach out to or how to do it. When I bumped into Oreki-san, it was purely by accident. Or perhaps fate. I don't know, but I would like to believe it's the latter. We didn't share any classes or joined the same clubs. We didn't attend cram school either. My hands were full, and he helped me. He didn't have to, but he did."

"Toba-chan ..." Irisu says, perhaps not knowing what to say or not knowing why Asami is telling her all these things. Irisu probably thinks that Asami is still suffering from her fever. "You seem very fond of Oreki-kun."

Asami does not hide this fact, it's easy to see in the way her cold exterior melts for him. Oreki is still a hero in her mind, someone who she admires and cares for.

"I am." Asami admits.

Then her shoulders slump and she wobbles. Almost immediately, the soft smile on her face disappears, forming itself into a thin line. The facial expression she makes isn't a frown, it's a sort of grimace.

It tells Irisu everything she needs to know.

Asami pauses, pained to say the next set of words. "You know, Senpai, I treasure Oreki-san. I treasure what he did. He means a lot to me. So, if I find out there's anyone who's ever hurt him, I can't ever forgive them."

;;

To this day, the memory of Ami still makes Asami's stomach knot. Ami Takasu had abused her talent as an artist and used it as leverage to treat those without the same measurement of skill as lower than dirt.

Asami will never agree with Ami's ideology. She thought by putting some distance between her current years and yesteryears, then nothing will reflect one another. However, it turns out, people are people and those in Kamiyama aren't all that different from Kaburaya.

(It's difficult to separate the two when the ghosts of Asami's old life followed her to this high school. To name a few are Satoshi Fukube, Kei Shibano and Houtarou Oreki.)

Asami can't pin-point the moment it happened. It may have started with a question, then another and another. Before she knows it, Houtarou Oreki becomes the subject of their conversation.

Irisu tells Asami about her Summer, how she had approached the Classics Club, and how Oreki had confronted her when he learned what she had done.

Asami realises that Irisu has hurt Oreki, and becomes conflicted and angry. Was the fever she developed after the Kanya Festival a sign? Her link to Oreki and all the lingering ill feelings that came flooding at him?

Unlike her ex-classmates who bear a grudge against Oreki, Asami did not think Irisu's view on Houtarou Oreki would rival against hers … until it did.

The war in her head tells her that Fuyumi Irisu is the last person Asami should be around.

And she listens.

Asami starts avoiding Irisu then.

She decides she will be a wall and repel everything that is thrown at her.

;;

v

;;

The sad reality is: not everything bounces off a wall. Irisu is like the stubborn stains on the rooftop. She will not leave and it feels as if everyone is out to remind Asami of Irisu and her history.

When Asami finds herself at the Doll Festival, bundled up in her Winter wear and excited to see the dolls gather, the people she wants to avoid appear before her.

The emperor steps into view, emerging in a decorated Eboshi and painted face. There is a gush of awes and gasps. Like the spectators that surround Asami, they too have cameras and raised cellphones in their gloved hands.

Asami does not move to capture the celluloid worthy moment. She recognises those blue eyes. It's Fuyumi Irisu.

She leaves the event without even a backwards glance, without noticing Houtarou Oreki standing among the crowd and dressed in traditional wear that does not suit him.

Despite Spring being around the corner, it is cold.

.

.

.

When April arrives and Asami becomes a second-year student, her clubmates tell her that they heard she attended the Doll Festival.

They try to convince her to participate in the student's competition (again). Or rather, to be more specific, they want her to submit her photos of the festival from hearsay that someone talented from their hometown, someone by the name of Konari, submitted beautiful pictures.

Asami gets into an argument with Kawauchi-senpai. She doesn't care if he's the president of the Photography Club. His behaviour gets on her nerves. She almost tells him that he isn't deserving of his presidential position. After all, Kawauchi-senpai is too much of a talkative blabbermouth and doesn't possess high leadership skills. But, she holds her tongue. Only telling him that she refuses his request.

Under no circumstances will she agree. No matter what, she will dig her heels into the ground.

She will not engage in any competition that pits an artist's skill against another. She will not show off any more of Irisu's face.

;;

Now, why is Mayaka Ibara appearing in Asami's life all of the sudden with her curiosity surrounding Houtarou Oreki and their intertwined past?

Asami is pissed. Kawauchi-senpai has told Ibara about her rooftop hideout and no matter how heated Asami's gaze is, Ibara's tiny stature is strong against Asami's rage.

"What about the graduation piece?" Ibara asks, bracing herself on the stained rooftop.

"That's …" Asami pauses, venom on her lips. "You could call that 'a curse that's already been broken',"

"What did Oreki do with the graduation piece?"

Asami smiles, though all the happiness is stolen from her face. "If you'd asked me this the year before, I'd have happily told you the whole story." She says ominously, recalling a pair of blue eyes. "I don't need to tell you everything. However, there's one thing I can tell you for sure, saying that you bear a grudge against Oreki-san — that's something unforgivable."

.

.

.

Later Asami does some background research on Mayaka Ibara.

Asami recalls Oreki mentioning someone by the name of Ibara. He told her that Ibara had occupied the library and boastfully waved her library committee membership in Oreki's face. Ibara is the reason Oreki decided to wander into the halls that fateful day in their first year. He was trying to find a nook to read.

However, Ibara is more than just someone nosy, someone from Kaburaya.

It turns out that Ibara is fortunate, truly blessed, to have spent nine years in close proximity with Oreki; if not in the same class, then hanging out together in a clubroom. What Asami would give to switch places with Ibara.

Maybe then, Asami would have had the chance to not only be protected but also act as a protector. Maybe then, Asami wouldn't have decided to do the cowardly act of letting Houtarou take the fall.

Asami feels so much fault for turning Oreki into a hated person, for making him a careless bully in the eyes of their middle school peers.

;;

vi

;;

While cleaning her drawer, Asami finds the pictures she took last September. Most of the sceneries were recommended by Irisu, who she hasn't seen in months.

Asami's decided to retreat into her selfhood after the incident with Irisu, which reminds her of a similar response. During her fourteenth Summer, Oreki had gone on vacation with his family. And during his absence, Asami had withdrawn into herself. She was lonely. So lonely. It was like she had shrunk with each passing day.

And when the new semester had started, Oreki came to realise that he only had parts of Asami. Oreki couldn't pull her out of it. She had to do it all on her own.

Somewhere in her period of desolation, Asami had found passion in photography. And that led her to reach out. She sent him occasional e-mails.

Her craft said everything she couldn't. (If she had a talent for poetry like Oreki, she may have tried her hand at that too.) Her pictures were nothing extraordinary, just everyday things like the sky during dusk, cranes by the river, people being idle. But, it told him about her well-being and that they were still somewhat close.

Despite her pain, Asami was able to catch moments in her life that she thought was beautiful enough to capture forever.

Their friendship kept at that steady pace until their third year in Kaburaya where the mirror was revealed and the nameplate that came attached to it.

Asami eventually stopped contacting Oreki, ashamed by what they had done, but now she wonders if she has the strength to reach out to him again.

(But seeing Oreki would mean confronting old fears and disgust — both details that she does not want to face.)

;;

Asami hopes this February isn't as bad as last year. It had snowed a lot, blanketing the earth with slippery ice.

The Photography Club room is warm and quiet. Most of her clubmates have gone home early. Asami doesn't think she'll see anyone.

But then a familiar face appears by the club's door and Asami becomes a wall. Her gaze shows itself to be steely and calculative. She is guarded and stiff.

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to say good-bye in case I couldn't catch you at graduation." Irisu explains, the words rolling off her tongue, sounding professional. Then her pale face softens and she adds, "Also … I wanted to tell you that I like cute things."

"... What?"

"You asked me what I was interested in. It's cute things." Irisu says.

Asami wracks her brain, trying to figure out when she asked, then it clicks. It was a mundane conversation in her first year.

Oh, how things have changed. It was Summer then. They were both occupying a sunny rooftop, now it's Winter and the room they're in is dimly lit.

"Are you still angry with me?" Irisu asks.

"Yes," There is no pause or brief hesitation, Asami remains hardened. "As long as Oreki-san feels the same way, I could never forgive you."

"But he's not mad at me anymore."

Asami glares at Irisu. "You're not lying, are you?"

Irisu shakes her head before explaining that — yes, she didn't start off on the right foot with Oreki. She had fooled him, and when he realised this reality, he had gotten rightfully furious.

However, it was up to him to decide if she was lying or not, to believe whether he was special. By the Doll Festival, it became clear that Oreki had licked his wounds. His mind was calm as he accepted her compliment.

A compliment that Irisu did not mindlessly give out. She does no such thing in exchange for favours. She can be genuine.

"You don't have to believe me, if you don't want to." Irisu says, echoing similar words to what she had said to Oreki at the traditional tea house. "Nothing I say may ease you, so you can ask Oreki-kun yourself. That may clear your conscience."

Asami's fingers curl into a fist.

She can't. She can't face him.

She'll be so conflicted. Disgusted yet also grateful. The awful thing that Oreki had done in the last year of his middle school days had brought their cohorts to hate him and for one girl to see him as a hero. A knight in shining armour or a prince.

A prince …

Irisu's frog keychain peeks at Asami. It's asparagus green and has a crown on its head.

"I like cute things."

Odd.

How odd.

For two years, Asami's heard rumours about Irisu. For the most part, Irisu's held at a higher standard. She isn't just anyone. She's an Irisu, she's 'The Empress', she's a future doctor.

The moment Irisu agreed to her photography project, Asami could instantly tell that Irisu was closed off — from her rigid body posture, the rumours of how Irisu's sharp tongue easily knocked her unsuspecting victim unconscious, and her gaze. So cold and calculating, it reminds Asami of her own eyes.

But, now, standing here, all Asami can see is a girl who is very human and vulnerable. Fuyumi Irisu is stripped of her titles. Liking cute things … that's such a teenage girl's response.

Asami thinks she understands that something about Irisu that piqued her interest. Back then, she subconsciously recognised their similarities, a reflection on a mirror. Irisu is just as awkward as her junior.

Asami needs to learn to stop hating. There's only so much space available in her heart.

;;

vii

;;

The lesson takes Asami a year to learn.

She becomes a third-year student and takes on the role of club president for the Photography Club. Though, she should join her peers and resign from her after school duties. Senior year can be hectic as it is, and most of her classmates have decided that clubs are a waste of time, choosing to focus on their university entrance exams.

Asami hangs on, stubborn as always.

Are you comfortable leaving things as it is with Oreki-kun? Irisu inquires on the Kamiyama High School chatroom.

With her chin resting on her intertwined fingers, Asami stares at the school computer screen.

It's clear that you think very highly of Oreki-kun, Toba-chan, but you should talk to him before you two graduate. Does he know that you think of him as a hero and that you can't face him despite that line of thought? It's not good to keep your emotions bottled up. It'll end up feeling like unfinished business.

Asami wants to argue that she'll be fine with keeping this secret to herself, but then Irisu beats her to the punch by saying:

What was the point of forgiving me if you won't forgive Oreki-kun and yourself? You'll keep looking backwards instead of forward if you leave things as they are.

;;

Seeing Oreki could mean something.

Maybe not to anyone who thinks otherwise, but it could mean an immense amount to Asami. Irisu is right. Leaving things so messily would be unfair to both her and Oreki. It's a 'what if' scenario, and those are never good, especially since she likes him so much.

Up until this point, Asami did not think of her future, but now she wants to confront it.

;;

With Winter being freezing cold and the school heating barely sputtering warmth, Asami concludes that most of the student population will not stick around for after school activities. Even if Kamiyama is notorious for its abundance of clubs, it's best to retreat home until the sun stops hiding.

But, she knows Oreki will linger. It's not a surprise or an unlikely outcome to catch him on the top floor of the Specialised Subjects Block building.

(Asami should know. There have been times where she almost ran into Oreki while visiting the rooftop.

Oreki and his friends are still attending Classics Club activities; killing time for the sake of killing time, waiting for their university entrance results while savouring the last of their youth as high school students.

Asami's a little envious. She wonders if the Classics Club is all the good things she hears: Brilliant anthology writers, Wildfire champions, Juumoji's last victim.

The Photography Club is nothing as colourful.)

With her school bag hanging over her shoulder, Asami makes her way up the fourth floor and towards the Geography room.

Her head is kept down and her eyes are focusing on the steps up the stairs when he spots her skinny figure. The jacket wrapped around her body is a muted colour as if she is trying to fade into the background.

"Asami."

A majority of the people in Asami's life call her by her last name. Her neighbours, the shopkeepers, her classmates. Only one person addresses her by her first name, said so casually and carelessly that it almost hurts to hear him say it.

Asami lifts her head, and once her dark eyes meet Oreki's half-lifted hand, her usually hardened face softens and her cold demeanour melts like ice-cream on a hot day. She adjusts her book bag and makes a beeline towards Oreki who stands on the top of the steps.

Against the dullness of the halls, his white coat stands out greatly.

"Oreki-san," She says, perking up and tipping her chin to look at him. He's grown so much taller than she expected. "Long time no see. How are you?"

"I'm alright. I haven't seen you in a while," Oreki answers.

"I suppose you must find it funny that we're only meeting each other after almost three years of radio silence. Do you think this is a strange time for me to show up in your life again?"

"No. Not really. I've known for a while that you enrolled in Kamiyama."

"Who told you?"

"Mayaka Ibara."

Ah. So, Asami's story didn't satisfy Ibara's hunger. The mystery that is Oreki and the mirror became a constant puzzle to the point of Ibara telling Oreki about Asami's whereabouts.

"Ibara apologised to me." Oreki says. He sounds shocked to say this. Embarrassed, too.

"Yeah, she told me she would." Asami replies.

Oreki resorts to shrugging as a way to put the small moment aside.

"I am curious to know what's happened in your life so far," Oreki says. His intonation is genuine and truthful.

A grin paints her lips. Asami's curious about him, too. She wants this reunion and reconnecting to have a positive outcome.

"It's cold," She tells him — because it is, Spring isn't here yet. Asami shifts, hopping from foot to foot, and asks, "Do you have anywhere to go or anything to do in the next few hours?"

Oreki shakes his head.

Asami lets out a hum, her dark eyes flitting. "Shall we sit somewhere warm and talk?"

Oreki only nods in reply.

;;

They're sat by the steps of the detached building. The spot's always been lacking from its usual bustle of activities and chattering. The sound of the afternoon devours the duo; it reminds Asami greatly of their middle school days when they used to hang out after classes and do nothing.

"How do you think your entrance exams went?" Asami asks. There's a tone in her voice, something that hints at a reason why she's bringing this up.

Oreki presses the coffee can between his palms. It's still warm from the vending machine.

"It went," He answers after recalling the events in January.

Something that looks like a smile spreads on Asami's lips. "What degree are you set on?"

"Business,"

Asami blinks at him. "Hmm, you don't seem like the business kind of guy."

"It's not like I'll be a car salesman or anything, I can't be that chipper."

The corners of Asami's mouth tug upwards. "I figured. Still, I wouldn't have guessed Business as your choice."

Oreki shrugs and opens the tab to his drink. "What about you?"

"Photography."

Oreki is silent for a while. The way he tilts his head reminds Asami of a photographer trying to get the perfect shot. Oreki is smart, he must know that there aren't many fine arts universities in Kamiyama.

Then he nods with a new perspective and Asami speaks.

"Actually, about that … I'm glad I caught you." She tells him, no longer able to put the discussion on hold. "I've been meaning to talk to you for some time but didn't have the guts to say anything."

Oreki makes a gesture to show her that he is listening and takes a sip of his drink.

"The truth is, Kaburaya still haunts me and has left me some ugly scars. My unresolved feelings … they've been lingering and overstaying their welcome. I can't keep holding onto my grudge against Ami Takasu-san. It's very tiring. We're not going to stay kids for any longer and I want to close that chapter in my life to start a new one. I want to graduate high school without resentment. I want to be freed from what's held me back since middle school."

She takes a deep breath and stops fiddling with her bottle of tea.

"I need to address our history to heal. I don't want to have any unfinished business with you. I want to move on so I don't feel stuck and stagnant anymore. Do you know that feeling, Oreki-san, because that's what I strongly believe?"

Oreki nods again, slow but with purpose. "I get it. You want to grow, Asami."

At this, Asami's eyes begin to tear up and she sets her drink aside. Her glasses are pushed up her head as she buries her face in her handkerchief.

It takes her a while to compose herself. Oreki pats her shoulder awkwardly, the same way he had done about years ago.

When Asami lifts her face, her cheeks are stained and the corners of her dark eyes are glimmering.

"Tell me," She says. "Why have you always been so kind to me? Was it because I was bullied? Was it pity?"

"It wasn't pity. It never was." Oreki answers. "The way I treated you and am treating you … it's human decency. But, I'd be lying if I tell you it's unrelated to the bullying."

"You're truthful as always."

"I suppose." He says, drawing back his hand to his lap. "I understand what it's like to be bullied and taken advantage of."

Asami drops her chin and her voice comes out a croak. "You got bullied because of me, didn't you? The kids at Kaburaya hated you because I told you to sabotage Takasu-san's woodwork. Do you blame me? Because I do."

Oreki shakes his head, "No. Don't do that. No one was cruel to me. Sure, our classmates were pissed, but it was nothing I took to heart." His answer is a mouthful. "Besides, my experience: it happened before I met you."

"Really?"

"Elementary school." He says, recalling the bitter memory.

"Oh, I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. I was fortunate enough to have my aneki by my side when I came to the realisation that people were treating me unfairly."

"All this time, I've always thought you were nice because you felt sorry for somebody like me and that I repaid you by turning you into a monster." Asami confesses. "I never stopped to think you had been in my shoes. We mirror each other in some ways, it's no wonder I still look up to you." She gives him a rueful smile then asks, "Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"You were already under an immense amount of stress, I didn't want to pressure you. But, now you know my woeful past." Oreki replies. "I've only told two people about this … three now I suppose."

"Three? Your sister is one of them, then there's me, who's the other person?"

Oreki slides his gaze away, turning his head so Asami doesn't see the heat creeping up his neck and cheeks. "Eru Chitanda. She's the president of the Classics Club."

Asami wonders if this is the same president that Satoshi briefly mentioned during the Kanya Festival in her first year but doesn't linger on it.

She pats her eyes then grins, "It's not easy to open up about these things. Chitanda-san must be really special."

Oreki hums in response, but it's only because there are no words needed to prove otherwise.

"I'm serious, Oreki-san. Chitanda-san sounds wonderful. I heard about the Classic's Club achievements. It's rose-coloured."

Oreki still sucks at smiling, but he offers Asami an expression that's comforting. "Mmm, I guess."

His low-effort reply almost makes her laugh. She stares at her untouched tea before uttering, "There's something else I want to say to you … Thank you."

Oreki raises a brow. "Why are you thanking me? For the talk?"

"The talk was nice, it was much needed. However, I've been meaning to thank you for years. The truth is … you're my hero, Oreki-san."

"Hero?"

"You won't take the compliment, will you?" Asami asks.

He shakes his head and feels a shiver go down his spine. Oreki can't imagine himself as a hero. That's what they called Jun Sekitani. After everything, Oreki doesn't know if he deserves that title.

Asami doesn't answer immediately, but the grin on her face is brimming with humour. She lets out a laugh.

"I don't know if you're trying to play it cool or if you're modest." She says, still smiling. "Although you're my hero, I don't see myself as a princess. I'm far from it. I'm a work-in-progress. I don't know when I'll have myself figured out, but I don't intend to rush."

"That's for the best," Oreki admits.

He can't say with confidence that everyone can carry their pasts to their futures with good feelings. Not everyone can be an exception. It took him time to come to this conclusion.

Oreki graduated from elementary school hating everyone and then graduated middle school with everyone hating him in return — with him intentionally sabotaging the woodwork and having people whisper about him and giving him nasty glares.

The want to forget being bullied is something he's still trying to overcome in high school. The memory stings from time to time, it's difficult for him to give up his motto, his defence mechanism of getting taken advantage of; "If I don't have to do it, I won't. If I do, I'll make it quick," Especially when Oreki finds himself clinging onto his grey life.

But, as he said two years ago when biking to the Chitanda estate to solve the Jun Sekitani case, he's tired of being grey. Maybe he'll be able to shake it off after seeing someone similar to him — Asami — break loose from the chains of her past too? He would like high school to end as prettily as it promised: rose-coloured.

By facing one another, the hauntings and reminders of bad memories can finally be put to rest. This moment, this closure, is much needed.

"I'm glad I got to see you before I went away." Asami states, rounding back to their conversation about university.

"Are you going somewhere far?" He asks.

"I plan to study in Tokyo, it'll be so different from Kamiyama, bigger and maybe with better opportunities." Asami replies.

"Ah, then …" Oreki makes a gesture.

Asami's black eyes follow his movements and her mouth dimples when she realises what he's indicating. She finally twists the cap off her drink and clinks it against Oreki's half-finished coffee.

"Here's to letting go and moving forward."

;;

end

;;

Notes 3: When I was still drafting colour me curious, which had the entire premise of 'How did Kei Shibano think Asami Toba was Houtarou Oreki's girlfriend when they were in middle school?', I went all crack-head conspiracy theorist.

There was a lot of mulling over the timeline. I came to a conclusion but it's … meh. In my iii draft, Mayaka was very critical and the outline went something like this:

Mayaka: When Shibano told me, 'I was shocked when I learned that Oreki had a girlfriend', I thought it was very strange. I couldn't help but wonder who she learned this information from. What kind of person would spread rumours revolving Oreki? Why would anyone be interested in that slug's love life? It all sounds like a joke.

Satoshi: Haha, joke :)))

Satoshi: Wait ...

The conclusion was basically that we had been punked by Satoshi, who unintentionally misinterpreted Houtarou's love life and began that rumour unknowingly. He only came to the realisation/epiphany after sitting down and really thinking.

Reflecting on the anime where Houtarou and Mayaka were 'Kaburaya's best couple' and the novel where Satoshi's motto is 'a joke can turn into a misunderstanding if not explained well' — I wrote the fic in a way that Shibano had mistakenly misunderstood Satoshi's boasting of "My friend Houtarou is part of Kaburaya's best couple!" and guessed that Houtarou was in a relationship but did not know who Houtarou's 'girlfriend' was. Satoshi didn't give context to who Houtarou was 'dating' so Shibano figured it was Asami Toba since Asami was the only girl Houtarou referred to on a first name basis. But, in actuality, Mayaka was the 'mystery girlfriend' all along.

I teetered on this either being a hilariously bad game of telephone or a very lame idea, which is why I scrapped the three-shot, but now you know how the fic would have ended.

Notes 4: I can't say when I'll return as I'm starting my postgrad (and because OC stuff has been consuming 80% of my brain), but, rest assured, I still have Hyouka drafts and will be back!

Perhaps I'll get to that love pentagon I wrote ages ago, or maybe I'll write another character study. I am fascinated by the bullshit I can pull outta my ass! I shifted from being interested in Kaho Juumonji and Asami Toba to being interested in Fuyumi Irisu. While watching Irisu-inclusive episodes and reading the novels, I was surprised to learn that Irisu addresses people by their last names so casually. She doesn't use the 'san' honorific despite coming from such a high ranking family. I expected her to be super formal!

Until then, catch me shitposting on Tumblr or the Hyouka Discord server!

8 August 2021