Leah had done lots of fucked up things in her life. She'd made lots of mistakes, done lots of things wrong. But this? This might the biggest one. Standing in the kitchen, watching Jacob walk out the back door, with the taste of his lips still lingering in her mouth, still able to feel his mouth on hers, she realized just how much she fucked up. She had let Jacob kiss her. Not only had she let him kiss her, but she'd also kissed him back. She'd kissed him back and she enjoyed it. She'd enjoyed every second of it.
"Leah?" she heard Seth ask her hesitantly.
Leah snapped up, pulling her eyes away from the back window, where Jacob was almost out of sight. For a brief second, Leah wondered where he was going. Back home to face Paul and Rachel? To Quil or Embry's? To the beach? Leah shook off the bizarre desire to chase after Jacob and forced herself to tear her eyes away from the window and look at her brother.
"What's up, Seth?"
"Are you okay?" Genuine concern filled Seth's voice and Leah realized just how out of it she must seem.
"Yep! I'm good," she assured him. The smell of ginger and molasses from the cookies started to fill the air slowly. It brought her back to earth and forced her to focus on the present.
"You really made a mess in here," Seth said quietly. Leah glanced around the kitchen. Even with Jacob's assistance in cleaning (not that it had lasted long), it was still an intimidating disaster.
"Yeah, I know." Leah put her hand back into the soapy dishwater, which gone cold, and grabbed the bowl she had been scrubbing.
"What was Jake doing here?"
"He was helping me make cookies, I already told you." Leah didn't mean for it to sound sharp, she really didn't, but it came out that way.
"Why didn't he stick around to try them?" Seth asked.
Leah shrugged and tried to sound convincing, "He had things to do."
"Like what?" It wasn't like Seth to ask so many questions. It made Leah nervous. Did he know? How could he know? But it felt so obvious somehow. Like Leah had it tattooed on her face: I kissed Jacob Black and I liked it. Like the whole world knew. How could Seth not know?
"I don't know," Leah replied. She kept scrubbing at the bowl, even though it was undeniably clean by now, "Why? Do you need him for something?"
"No, I just thought he'd hang out longer. Are you okay, Leah? You're acting weird."
"I'm fine." Leah rinsed the bowl off and placed it on the drying rack. She reached back into the sink only to find that the bowl had been the last of the dishes. She must have cleaned the other stuff before, but the rest of the kitchen was still a mess. Jacob had managed to put away most of the ingredients that Leah had taken out in her baking adventure. Without looking at Seth, Leah quickly put away the vanilla and the baking soda before wiping the counters clear of the incredible amount of flour she'd managed to spill.
The timer that she'd set hadn't gone off yet, but Leah peeked in at the cookies anyway. They looked done. Or almost done, at any right. She liked her cookies underdone and soft, so she grabbed the oven mitts and took them out of the oven, placing them on the top of the stove quickly. Leah turned around and saw that Seth was still staring at her.
"Can I try one?" he asked, sounding like her normal little brother for the first time since he came home. Maybe she got away with everything after all. Seth didn't wait for her to respond before he crossed the kitchen, hovering over the stove.
For the first time since she'd first phased, Leah felt the beginnings of a headache. The ginger and molasses that smelled so good just a few minutes ago now were overwhelming. She was trying extremely hard to be normal and act like nothing strange had happened, but it felt like she was failing miserably.
"Go for it," she uttered.
Leah stepped away from the kitchen. It was clean… mostly. Enough so that she didn't feel too bad about leaving it for the safety of her room. As Seth chomped away at her cookies, Leah took the stairs two at a time, eager to be alone and to wallow in her bad decisions in her bed.
She fucked up. She fucked up majorly. That's what Leah decided as she closed the door to her room and plopped onto her bed. She was tired and distracted by the cookies and wasn't thinking straight and that's why she'd kissed Jacob – a seventeen-year-old boy – instead of slapping him like she should have done.
But it didn't change the sense of excitement pulsing through her veins or the thrill she felt when she first saw Jacob lean down. There had been half a second when she wondered what he was doing, but once Leah realized he was going to kiss her, electricity shot through her body. He was a good kisser, especially for seventeen.
Then it hit her again. Jacob was seventeen. It didn't matter that he looked older, it didn't matter that he was technically in charge of the whole pack, he was seventeen. A high schooler. Leah was turning twenty-one in a matter of weeks. So she really could not enter any form of relationship with him, nor should she even be entertaining the thought of one. But it didn't matter. In her head, she was running her hands over those rock-hard abs again and licking his lip. How could Leah have fallen for a seventeen-year-old?
She tried to figure out when it happened. If Leah was being honest with herself, she knew she was jealous of that stupid Alyssa girl that Jacob had a thing with. But just a year ago, she had hated Jacob. And now she was all lovesick after just kissing him once. So sometime in the past year, she'd fallen hard for Jacob and she'd managed to avoid realizing it until today.
But it didn't matter. He was still seventeen and they had a good working relationship. There was rarely any drama in the pack, everyone was accepting and nice, and Leah knew that she had to do everything she could to protect that dynamic. She didn't even know what Jacob wanted, although she had a guess. He'd always been a bit of a hopeless romantic.
Hours passed. She didn't know how, but she was lying in her bed, trying to figure out the best way to tell Jacob that she fucked up and she shouldn't have kissed him, and hours passed. It wasn't until Sue came home from Charlie's that Leah realized how late it was and how long she had been contemplating everything that had happened. She still had no good answer to anything other than to tell Jacob it was a mistake and hope that he took it well.
"Leah, are you feeling alright? You're awfully quiet," Sue asked at dinner. She'd picked up pizza on her way home from Charlie's and the three of them were having a late dinner. Pizza was normally one of Leah's favorites, but she barely had an appetite.
"I'm fine," Leah promised, before eagerly changing the subject, "How was Charlie?"
"Charlie?" Sue repeated.
"That's where you were, weren't you?"
"Yes, I was." Although Sue tried to hide her surprise, Leah's plan to get the heat off of her worked. While Leah had no strong opinions on Charlie, her disdain for his daughter was hardly a secret. But Sue looked happy that Leah had asked about the Swans for once instead of ignoring them or making rude comments, "I invited him to the obstacle course on Saturday."
"Is he coming?" Seth asked.
"Yes, he's planning on it." Sue glanced at Leah like she expected Leah to protest, but Leah stayed quiet for a moment. She'd forgotten about the obstacle course.
The obstacle course was a problem, Leah decided, because Jacob could not control his thoughts and they'd just kissed. So unless Jacob focused only on the course the entire time he was a wolf and managed to avoid thinking of Leah entirely, then… It was all just a confirmation that Leah had fucked up.
She chewed the last bit of her pizza thoughtfully. Her headache had subsided at least, but she knew she had to do something. Seth would be on patrol tonight; she'd at least had the foresight to ask him to cover for Jacob. She'd have to go talk to Jacob tonight and explain that she'd fucked up. There was nothing else she could do. She simply could not think of a better solution.
"Do you have any plans tonight, Leah?" Sue asked pleasantly. There was still pizza in the box and Sue gestured to it as she spoke, but Leah didn't grab a piece. The thought of her pending conversation with Jacob had killed any of the small appetite she had.
"No," Leah answered simply. There was absolutely no reason why Seth and Sue needed to know that she was going to have to find Jacob tonight, that would invite more questions. And Leah could tell that they already had several questions that she wasn't keen on answering.
"Your cookies were good, Leah," Sue said as Seth grabbed the last piece of pizza, "Just like Auntie Jan used to make."
"Thanks," Leah mumbled. She'd been craving those cookies for such a long time and she hadn't even tried them yet.
"Yeah, they were great, Leah!" Seth chimed in. He stuffed the last piece of pizza in his mouth and barely swallowed before asking, "Do you know who I'm patrolling with tonight?"
"I think Quil." Leah normally patrolled with Embry and Jacob normally alternated between Quil and Seth, so if it wasn't Seth, then it must be Quil. They'd have to re-write the whole patrol schedule now and figure out some type of excuse for the other pack members. This whole ordeal was becoming more of a mistake by the second.
Although now another possibility occurred to her: Jacob could have already told Quil and Embry that they'd kissed. And then when she told him that it was a mistake, they'd probably hate her. It could be worse than being in Sam's pack. They were all so unwaveringly loyal to Jacob that she knew she didn't stand a chance if Jacob was angry. There were so many potential consequences that she couldn't even fathom all of them. She'd unopened a can of worms that she would never be able to put back in place, all because she had kissed Jacob back.
"I thought you patrolled just a few nights ago, Seth," Sue said casually, but Leah was sure that Sue knew that something was up. Sue seemed to have a second sense for these types of things.
"I did, but Jacob asked me to cover for him. I bet he'll get me back next week, though, won't he, Leah?"
"Probably so," Leah tried her best to seem nonchalant, "Do you work again tomorrow, Mom? How was that patient who was in that car accident?"
Sue answered happily and – much to Leah's relief – Seth asked some follow-up questions, getting Leah out of the rest of the conversation.
Somehow, Leah survived the rest of the dinner and made it back to her bedroom, where she waited out the evening. Around ten, she heard Seth leave for patrol. Shortly after, Sue climbed the stairs to the master bedroom. Leah waited until she was certain that Sue was sleeping before opening her window and jumping down. She felt like she was a teenager again, sneaking out, even though she was twenty years old and Sue didn't care too much what she did. Leah had spent the night at Danny's several times and never once did Sue say anything, other than to remind Leah that she didn't want to be a grandmother until she was at least fifty.
Leah hadn't managed to formulate much of a plan. She knew that she had to tell Jacob that the kiss was a mistake and she hoped nothing would change between them. She didn't know how to explain why she felt the need to do it in the middle of the night. She didn't know how to explain why she kissed him back. For all of that, she was just planning on winging it.
Leah took the streets to the Black's house – walking, to avoid anyone noticing her car and so that she didn't end up in the pack mind with Quil and Seth – that she knew so well. All she could hope was that Paul wasn't there. It seemed like a distinct possibility that the entirety of Jake's pack might know what had happened, but she really didn't want or need Sam's pack to know as well. Once Sam's pack knew, the whole res might as well know. And Leah really, really, really did not need that.
There was a single light on in the Black's house when Leah approached: Jacob's bedroom light. The shades were closed, but it was obvious that Jacob was awake. She could hear Jacob breathing, but the rest of the house was quiet and still.
She took a deep breath and then rapped on the window.
"Leah? What the fuck?" Jacob mumbled through the window as he pulled the shades back and opened the window.
"We need to talk," she said, "Let me in."
Jacob obeyed and opened up the window. It was a small window, and it made for an awkward squeeze, but Leah made her way in. She hadn't been inside Jacob's room in years, not since she was a small child. In the corner was the same twin bed that Jacob had slept on for years. The room itself wasn't as messy as she expecting; it was by no means tidy, but it wasn't the disaster zone that Seth's bedroom often was.
She glanced back at the window, where Jacob was still standing with his arms crossed. He was shirtless, wearing nothing but his jean cut-offs. Leah had seen him like this hundreds of times by now, but it felt more intimate somehow at that moment. Was it really just a few hours ago she was tracing those abs with her fingers?
"Is Paul here?"
"No, he went home for the night, believe it or not."
"Good… Jacob," she began, "What happened today… It was a mistake."
He stared into her. His face was unreadable but he didn't say anything, so she continued.
"It was a mistake and it shouldn't happen again. And I would appreciate it if you wouldn't tell anyone what happened if you haven't already. And I hope that we can go back to how everything was before." The last sentence came out in a rush, but Leah had said her piece.
"Okay," Jacob said.
"Okay?" She'd expected more than that. This was Jacob Black, after all.
"Okay," he repeated, " And I haven't told Quil and Embry if that's what you mean."
"I – yes."
"Is that all?" His voice was tense and Leah suddenly felt guilty.
"Yes, that's all." She glanced at him. His face was hard, "Are you okay with that?"
"Yes. I didn't… I didn't think you would kiss me back."
"Then why did you do it?" she couldn't help herself.
"I wasn't planning on doing it!" he sounded slightly indignant, "It just happened."
Leah raised her eyebrow and stared at him, so Jacob continued, "You were just standing there, so close to me, and I couldn't help myself. Honestly, I expected you to kill me right then and there."
He looked adorably sheepish as he said it. Seventeen! Leah had to remind herself harshly.
"I'm not going to murder you, Jake," she assured him, "I mean it wasn't your brightest idea but…"
"But what?"
"I mean it was pretty smooth," she admitted, "Would probably work on the next girl."
"Good to know," Jacob scoffed, "The next girl who I can find who actually likes me and doesn't just tolerate me."
"I do like you, Jacob."
"In a more than friends-slash-cursed supernatural creature way."
"I…" Leah didn't know how to respond to that. It was hard to think of Jacob as anything other than a friend, but she also knew that she didn't think of Embry or Quil's abs like that. There wasn't a little shiver down her spine when any other wolf looked at her. And she did care about him in a way that she didn't the others. And the idea of dating him sent a little thrill through her spine. Seventeen! She thought harshly to herself, "Jacob, it has nothing to do with you."
He looked up at her, "It doesn't?"
"We can't do…" Leah gestured at the space in between them, "… This for a variety of reasons. It has nothing to do with you as a person, though."
"It doesn't?" Jacob repeated.
"No, Jacob, it doesn't. I think you're a great guy. But you're seventeen and there are three other people we have to think about here and we have to keep a working relationship going and…"
Jacob had stepped closer to her and now he was towering above her again. This time, Leah knew to expect it when he leaned down to kiss her.
For the second time in less than twenty-four hours, Jacob Black's lips were crashing against hers. And for the second time in less than twenty-four hours, Leah knew she should break away, but she didn't. Instead, for some unknown reason, she lifted her arms and wrapped them around Jacob's neck, standing on her tiptoes for a better angle. She felt his arms wrap around her waist and she was flush against him. Leah's mind screamed for her to stop, but she didn't. Did that little moan come from her?
Finally, they broke apart again. She hadn't realized that they had stepped closer to the bed, but it didn't surprise her when he pulled her down on his tiny twin bed. Now she was straddling him and his lips were pressing gentle kisses to her jaw. She felt his calloused hands creep up under her shirt, caressing the skin on her sides. His lips were back on hers and his finger reached out to swipe the underside of her breast. Her hands were tangled in his hair and this time she was sure that the little moan had come from her. It all felt simply heavenly.
"Jacob, we can't do this." Leah's voice was barely above a whisper as she pulled away. It felt amazing, the things he was doing, but common sense was finally beginning to prevail in her mind.
He pulled his lips away from her neck and looked at her, "Why not?"
"I already told you why not." It was much harder to think of all the reasons she couldn't be involved with Jacob when she was sitting on his lap, reveling in the burning heat of his skin, with his hand still pressed against her stomach.
"Those are just excuses." As he said it, he let his arms fall to his sides, so Leah knew that there must be some reason in what she had said earlier. She took advantage of the lapse to stand up and get out of his lap.
"It's just not a good idea, Jacob."
"Why not? You like it, I like it, what's wrong with it?"
"Well, for starters, you're seventeen years old and in high school - "
"I'm going to community college in the fall, exact same as you."
"You're still seventeen." Her tone was harsh now, but Leah needed him to listen to her, "You're still seventeen. I turn twenty-one in just a few weeks. I'm pretty sure that's illegal, if not highly frowned upon."
"I'll be eighteen in October. And no one would care. You know that."
Jacob was right about that. Billy and Sue sure as hell wouldn't care. Twenty-one to seventeen was hardly a scandalous age difference. Bella Swan married a guy who was something like a century older than her. Not that that was quite the same thing.
"Well, that's not exactly all. There's the pack to think of. Can you hide your thoughts at all? Do you want Embry and Quil and Seth, my brother, to know everything about this? And what if it doesn't work out? You're Alpha, but what about me? We have a good thing going right now. Everyone is getting along and it's a good dynamic." Leah couldn't go back to Sam's pack. She couldn't go back to being the least-liked wolf again. She just couldn't. She might not be everyone's favorite member now, but at least they were all pleasant to her.
"They'd be happy for us. They wouldn't mind." Jacob said it with such confidence, she almost believed him. Maybe they would be happy about it. But maybe they wouldn't. Maybe they'd view it as a bad decision, a relationship that was doomed to fail. But it was the after part of the relationship that freaked her out the most. She'd be in a pack with her ex. She knew the hell that it was. Jacob hadn't.
"And if it didn't work out?"
"We could be mature about it."
Leah almost laughed, "Jacob, neither of us have good track records with that."
"Then we'll just make it work out."
"And if either of us imprint?" She didn't want to say it, but it was a distinct possibility.
This one stumped Jacob. He didn't respond right away and he sat up a bit straighter. His dark eyes bore into hers.
"Please, Leah," he pleaded, "We can figure it out. Please. Let's just try."
Her heart broke for him. She did want to try, she did, but every little tiny bit of common sense in her was screaming that this was a bad idea. She'd been fucked over by the imprinting thing once and she wasn't sure if she could bear it again. And she never wanted to inflict that type of pain on anyone else, but especially not Jacob.
Leah could think of a hundred thousand things to say, but not one of them came out of her mouth.
"Leah?" he asked.
In the end, she said the kindest thing she could think of, "Let me think about it, Jacob. Give me some time, please."
He stood up, grinning wildly at her, "I'll give you all the time you want."
Leah crossed her arms spoke again before he could get too close to her. She already knew his motives, "But we're not kissing, making out, doing anything in the meantime."
"That's fine," he said too quickly, taking a step back.
"And," she added, "In the meantime, you need to learn to control your thoughts. I mean it, Jacob. If Embry could hide his whole sexuality from you, then you can hide this entire discussion from them."
"How?" he asked.
"You have to focus on the present and your surroundings, that's all." Leah hated the way his face fell as she spoke and she hated the way her stomach dropped when she saw his reaction, "We can change the patrol schedule so that we patrol together on Sunday. We'll work on it."
Jacob brightened up at that, "Thanks, Leah. I knew I made the right choice when I picked you for Beta."
"Right. But Jacob, I didn't say I'd agree to anything. I said I'd think about it."
"But thinking about it is the first step," he said cheerfully.
Leah rolled her eyes. Who would have thought this time last year that Jacob would be the optimist?
"I'm leaving," she said, crossing over his tiny room to the window, "I'll see you soon. Don't get your hopes up."
"They're already up!" he called as she climbed out of the window. Once her feet hit the ground, she looked up and saw him smiling in the window. The moonlight hit him just right, his hair disheveled from their previous make out session; he was certainly something to look at.
"Goodbye, Jacob," she said quietly before she crossed back into the forest to make her way home. Leah didn't hear him respond, though she was sure he did. This time, she wasn't sure whether or not she fucked up. Part of her screamed that she should have ended it, but another part of her was giddy with joy, and Leah realized that there was no way she could win in this situation.
A/N: so I know this is a short chapter but after thinking about it I decided it was too ambitious to try to fit everything that needs to happen to wrap up this story in two chapters. So the good news is there will be at least another four chapters!
In the meantime, thank you so much for everyone's comments, kudos, etc. It really means the world to me and I'm so grateful!
