He had to pull himself back to the conversation he was having in Sara's apartment.
He hated admitting it. It made him feel so small.
"I was scared." he said quietly.
"I know. And I didn't get that at first. You didn't just want sex. You wanted a relationship. And it scared you to think that the person who could give you that relationship was me. Someone younger. Someone who may decide one day you weren't enough. I felt terrible that night that I didn't see that right away."
"It wasn't your fault. We were both swept in the moment of what we wanted physically."
Watching the hurt on his face made her feel a little guilty. She had long forgiven him for that evening. She felt low bringing it back up.
"That's why I said 'yes', Grissom. That's why I was willing to pack it all up and move here. All those months we chatted on the phone and through email, I got to really know you and understand you. I wanted to show you I could be that person you needed and wanted."
Still looking at the floor, Grissom nods his head as he listens. Waiting for the turn. She continued.
"I thought moving here would be the harder half of the battle. But I was wrong."
Grissom looked up to see she was close to tears. Her voice was cracking under the stress of having to carry the emotionally heavy conversation. While everything she said was true, he didn't understand why this was all coming up now.
"The hardest part was waiting for you to see me every day. Waiting for you to see me here with you, wanting only to love you, only to be pushed away time and time again."
Grissom winced. Remembering the hurt he caused each and every time he pushed her away because he couldn't bare the thought of letting someone truly love him.
"I do see you. I see you every day. I see you when I'm with you, I see you when we are apart. I see you when I close my eyes. And last week, I saw you on that floor. And when the thought of losing you like that entered my mind… it made me sick, Sara. That walkthrough took me over an hour and a half because I spent 30 minutes just trying to pick myself off the floor. I can't lose you like that."
"I know." she responded quickly and softly.
His mouth dropped and eyes went blank. Confused at what that meant. What did she know?
"I've been standing right in front of you for 4 years trying to give my love to you. And at every turn you reject me. And I didn't understand why you couldn't just let me love you. But now, I think I finally understand, and so it's time for me to go. The purpose I came to LasVegas with is gone."
Grissom stood there with his arms opened palms up begging whatever gods existed for understanding in this moment. His eyes racing back and forth between hers trying to find any glimmer of warmth. But for the first time, he found none.
"Sarah please. I don't understand where this is coming from. I need you here…"
"You had a big decision to make, right?"
"Wha…?" Grissom looking confused. She took a deep breath and continued. Wincing knowing the pain the words caused not only hearing them the first time, but having to repeat them again.
"…because we have to risk everything we've worked for, in order to have her….I couldn't do it."
Oh no. She heard me.
Grissom feeling the lowest he ever felt. He never meant for her to hear those words.
"You can't risk loving me. And I can't risk waiting forever on a man who refuses to see what he has right in front of him. I can't stay here, Grissom. It's too much."
His heart was literally aching. His mind jumping from seriously considering he may be having a heart attack to he's probably finally allowing himself to feel emotion. He was frozen. He didn't know what to say or do.
Every physical fiber of his being said to run up to her and kiss her, hold her, and never let her go. Apologize like a fool for being so dumb all these years and for one last chance.
The logical side of him knew that everything she said so far was true. And the likelihood of him ever being able to give her what she needed was low. Too low. It was lose-lose. Either way she would end up hurt and it would be because of him. He should let her go.
They must've stood there in silence for 5 minutes. Both processing, both genuinely trying to read the other person. Grissom struggling to find the words, he needed more time.
Sara's phone buzzed, then Grissom's. They looked at each other and checked the texts.
From: Catherine
Triple Homocide - Somerland.
All hands on deck.
-C
With his phone in one hand, he used the other to pinch the bridge of his nose. Annoyed and feeling plagued with bad timing. Catherine knew where he was and wouldn't have texted if it wasn't urgent. He knew he had to go. But there was no easy way to walk away from this conversation. She deserved answers.
She tilted her head back, let out a loud sigh and walked to the back bedroom. This was his moment to slip away. To exit without having the awkward let's talk about this later. But he couldn't. This was too important.
"Sara…"
He could hear her shift around the cardboard boxes and opening some. He leaned to look down the hall when he saw her emerge back out throwing on her jacket and beanie.
"Can I get a ride with you?"
"I don't understand. You just said you were leaving…quitting."
"Well, technically I haven't put in my notice yet. And now my boss knows I was faking my sick day, so I guess I should get to work. Besides, Catherine knew I took the day off. She wouldn't have texted me if she didn't need me."
He half-smiled. This is why he loved her. She understood the job. And he felt a small small sense of relief. He needed only a sliver of hope to think she might be willing to stay. And this was it. He had a chance.
