NOT MY TYPE by katocchi
synopsis: Despite everyone's insistence, Blossom Utonium is definitely not Brick's type, and he's miffed enough to make a list detailing exactly why.
His brothers think he's dense, but he's not. He's not, okay? He knows what they're doing―scheming like a pair of shits―and he'd like to say that he's not as ignorant as they believe. He sees the sly grins Butch and Boomer exchange when they think he's not looking, and when Bubbles and Buttercup join in, the laughing worsens.
Every time he interacts with a certain Blossom Utonium, he has to talk over muffled snickers, wondering if she can see their siblings elbowing each other in the background. Does she ignore them, or is she too focused on whatever utterly fascinating, isn't it, Brick? thing to notice? The second possibility is more likely than one thinks; her eyes widen and sparkle, and sometimes she starts floating subconsciously until he takes her shoulders and grounds her. A small, bratty part of him hopes her sisters tease her as much as his brothers bother him.
They act like he doesn't have eyes. For the record, he sees Blossom. He just doesn't want her. She's not his type. Like, sure, she's pretty and all―he's not blind or stupid―but they never got along until recently, and now he tolerates her presence at best. It's because the youngest two are dating and the middle two are rivals, which is synonymous with best friends despite their arguments, so as the oldest two, Brick and Blossom have to make peace.
It's all for the sake of convenience.
Eating lunch together is convenient because they share a lunch block and developed a working trade system: he gets her favorite cookies, and she gets his favorite sandwich. The swap happens one day out of the lunch menu rotation, but they have to sit together all the other days just in case. Studying together is convenient because they have the same classes. It's not like he can ask Boomer to quiz him on AP Bio concepts or Butch for...anything, really. And walking her to classes or to the lockers is (again) convenient because her destinations are on the way to his. If anyone pays a little extra attention and points out that they aren't, then, well, Butch's coach always advises extra exercise.
C'mon, if anyone wants to talk about denial, he can easily point towards Butch and Buttercup. Sometimes Butch calls her Butterbitch, and the insult sounds startlingly intimate coming from his mouth.
"Big bro!" Boomer calls from downstairs.
Brick stops tossing his basketball into the air.
"The girls invited us over for dinner tonight! Are you coming?"
Right, the dinner Blossom texted him about earlier. He said he'd think about it. There's that tricky test tomorrow, and Utonium dinners are known for becoming movie nights or―on Fridays―sleepover nights, a tradition that the Professor gets less and less comfortable with as the years go by. He should study.
But if he doesn't go, Blossom will get sad and Bubbles will send him those dumb teary emojis, and let it be known that that Brick Jojo never makes girls sad. His eyes flit over to his backpack. Maybe he could bring his work. Get through flashcards while everyone settles in some two-hour sap fest Boomer chooses for his turn.
Boomer calls Brick's name again, then pauses. "Um, Butch and I are going in a few minutes if you wanted to join us."
Brick pushes his books into his bag and tugs at the zipper before he can change his mind. "Coming!" He makes his way downstairs and snags his keys by the door. "S'posed to rain tonight. We'll take the truck."
.
.
.
Brick would describe tonight's dinner as a disaster. A complete and absolute disaster, and when he throws his keys onto the kitchen counter, he hopes his frustration is evident through the clattering of metal. Crossing his arms, he leans against their messy dining room table and levels his brothers with the most scathing glare he can muster without activating laser eyes.
"Tomorrow," he seethes, "we are going to make a giant tray of pancakes and deliver it straight to Professor Utonium's office. Your behavior tonight was absolutely abhorrent."
Butch and Boomer mouth the words to themselves, and Brick resists the urge to pinch his nose bridge.
"Abhorrent, adjective meaning repulsive, disgusting, or horrifying. Synonyms―" he points two fingers in their direction― "you dipshits."
"It wasn't even that bad." Butch scoffs, scowling at the cabinets above Brick's head. "We've said worse before."
"But never at the Utonium dinner table! I don't care what you say anywhere else, Butch, but you made gross comments in front of his face. As he was scooping you your favorite mashed potatoes! We were guests on thin ice before. I wouldn't be surprised if we were ordered to stay from his girls and never invited over again."
Butch at least has the decency to look ashamed. Boomer throws his hands up placatingly. "Okay, okay, we'll make pancakes―two trays of his favorite pancakes―and ask for his forgiveness."
"You better apologize to Blossom, too. She didn't deserve to be treated like that in her own home. God, the look on her face―"
"Oh, so that's what this is about?" Butch snorts, green energy starting to crackle along his fingers. "You mad 'cuz we embarrassed you in front of your girlfriend?"
An invisible force edges Brick backwards, the beginnings of a shield manifesting from Butch's anger. Brick tries to squash his own growing anger, but he tastes smoke in his mouth, feels fire in his throat. Boomer places a hand on each brother's chest as they draw closer.
"No, I'm mad because you embarrassed all of us in front of the only family that's kind enough to make sure we stay alive."
"Guys, let's calm down a little," Boomer pleads, towering over both of them but still helpless. In the back of his mind, Brick feels bad for their youngest; he'll buy some rocky road ice cream later. "Maybe we should step back and talk about this later, yeah?"
"As if!" Butch sneers. Energy spreads to his elbows. "Then why not make us apologize to Bubbles, too? Buttercup? You're being butthurt 'cuz your Blossy-Wossy got upset."
"Then go apologize to them! I was suggesting Blossom since you, oh I don't know, directly disrespected her in front of her dad?"
Butch only crosses his arms and simmers. Wow, so the idiot does know when he's in the wrong. "Can you stop being blind for two seconds, get your head out of your ass, and ask her out before someone else does?" he mutters.
"Don't change the subject, Butch."
"I don't know why she still fucking waits for you."
"She's not waiting for me or for anything; we're just friends. You two needa get out of my business. She's not my type," Brick hisses, "so just drop it, okay? What, do you want a fucking list detailing exactly why I don't like her like that?"
"Sure, why not? Maybe then I'll know the lame excuses you make for being such a bitch."
"What he means," Boomer interjects with a warning push against Butch, "is that it'll help. We're confused on why you insist on being friends when it's so clear you both like each other."
"We don't―fine. Fine!" Brick slams one of his notebooks onto the table and rips out a sheet of paper, disturbing the stack of bills. "You want a list? I'll give you a list."
Ignoring his brothers' curious gazes over his shoulder, Brick scrawls a title onto the top line. His handwriting is messy but still legible: Reasons Why Blossom Utonium is Not My Type.
a/n.
i'd like to say that i'm likely the least qualified person to write for the ppg fandom. all i know about the characters comes from decade-old memories, carriedreamer's as time goes by, leecheedoodle's art, and various fanworks. apology chili and football player butch and elmo brick are part of my canon now. despite my appalling lack of qualifications, i hope you'll enjoy this story. leave a review/fav/follow!
note: as part of my 2021 resolutions, i finished the first draft/skeleton of this story before posting the first chapter so i can have a regular update schedule and finally complete a story without going on hiatus. this story will be updating every monday and has a total of 12 chapters. check out my bio for more info on alphabits!
next chapter: her name is fucking blossom. feb 8, 2021.
katocchi
