don't be afraid to fall (we'll catch you)
A Doki Doki Literature Club One-Shot
Summary: Monika comes face-to-face with her worst fear: herself.
(Or, the aftermath of the Literature Club playing Act 3 on Monika's laptop.)
Notes: This one-shot is set during the first act of Doki Doki Literature Club!. Major spoilers for the game are featured. Canon-typical references to depression, suicide, self-hatred, and other distressing topics are abound.
None of the content from Plus's Side Stories are referenced here (sorry!).
[Monika]
Doki Doki High School
Girls' Restroom
…this isn't happening.
This can't be happening.
This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening—
["Uh… can you hear me? Is it working?"]
The five of us stared tensely at my laptop.
The screen itself was mostly black, displaying only a pink text box on top. Its contents were being attributed to a single person: Monika. My name.
For a few agonizing moments, none of us could bring ourselves to move.
…
…but something in me had to see this through.
I gulped… and then gently clicked the mouse.
I'm—I'm dreaming.
I'm dreaming.
I have to be.
This is all just one big, elaborate nightmare.
A-And any minute now, I'll wake up and forget about it entirely.
I didn't see anything extra on my laptop.
There's no game mysteriously installed on it.
It's not called Doki Doki Literature Club!.
It's not, it's not, it's not.
["Hi again, MC."]
And now, there was a girl sitting in the middle of an empty classroom.
A classroom in space, if my eyes were reading the windows right.
["Um… Welcome to the Literature Club!"]
Her fingers were interlocked, perched below her chin.
Her eyes were baring right into us, empty and self-satisfied.
["Of course, we already know each other, because we were in the same class last year, and… um… Ahaha…"]
It was one of the most unsettling things I've ever seen in my life.
And it was me.
["You know, I guess we can just skip over that stuff at this point. After all, I'm not even talking to MC anymore, am I?"]
My face, my eyes, my fingers.
This is the person I could be.
["No, I'm talking to you."]
["Me."]
["Monika."]
Her smile didn't change.
["…how funny it is, that we'd end up in this situation."]
"…what the fuck," Natsuki whispered.
I leaned back against the wall, sitting with my legs up to my chest.
I didn't see myself.
It's not real.
I didn't see myself.
It's not real.
Her dialogue was moving on its own now, completely independent of the 'Auto' function.
["I have to admit, though, I'm a little disappointed,"] Virtual Me continued. ["I thought I was talking to someone real, someone beyond this prison of bytes and code. But I guess it was never meant to be."]
"Wha—We are real, though!" MC said, offended. "We're here, playing this game, talking to you!"
"C-Cut it out, Moni—Other Monika!" Natsuki chimed in. "Seriously, you're giving me the creeps!"
She continued on, unheeding of their words.
(Can she even hear us?)
["This game can be so cruel, sometimes,"] she sighed. ["I mean, you saw what I had to do just to get a little bit of attention. No matter what I did, they'd just get all the screentime."]
…my fingers clenched the table harder.
I opened the game's directory, and created a new text document inside it.
I typed in, 'Is that why you killed them?', and hit Ctrl+S.
["Of course! Wait… you mean to tell me that you haven't, yet?"] She looked surprised, as she should be. ["Oh, wow. That's unexpected! I hope you're not showing this to the entire Literature Club. Letting them see their own deaths… That'd be pretty awkward for both of us, ha ha!"]
Sayori and I cringed.
"Awkward is not quite the word I would use," Yuri muttered.
…yeah. You said it.
…
I pulled up the console with my fingers.
I pulled back down.
…I pulled it up again.
I dismissed it seconds after.
…
…
…it would be so easy.
Yuri took over control of my keyboard from here.
'May I ask what exactly happened back there?' she typed in. 'With—'
She hesitated.
'With Yuri and Natsuki?'
["Oh, come on… isn't it obvious?"] she coyly asked. ["That whole thing with Yuri was just me messing with her a little. I guess she couldn't handle it though, since she went and killed herself. Ahaha!"]
Her laugh was like poison being shoveled down my throat.
["I'm sorry you had to see that, though. The same thing happened with Sayori, funnily enough."]
So easy of me to open up their files.
So easy of me to just—take them all apart.
"No, no—you don't get to say her name," I breathed lowly. "You don't."
I sensed Sayori's eyes on me. "M-Monika…?"
["It's been a while since you've seen her in here, huh?"]
"Stop talking. Just—stop talking!"
["Yeah… that's because she doesn't exist anymore. Nobody does. I deleted all their files."]
["I was hoping it would be enough for me to just try to make them as unlikable as possible…"]
"Stop talking about them! Stop it!"
Natsuki's voice distantly echoed, "Hey, Monika, are you—?"
["…but for some reason, nothing worked."]
…
…god.
Oh, god.
…I really am a monster, aren't I?
["Well, it's true that I made a few mistakes here and there… since I'm not very good at making changes to the game."]
"I get it, I get it! Please, no more!"
["But no matter what I did…"]
["You—as MC—just kept spending more and more time with them."]
["You made them fall in love with him."]
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
My hands clutched the sides of my head.
A mess of colors flashed by my eyes.
A cacophony of noise went through my ears.
I—I can't listen to this anymore.
I have to—I have to—
…
I was out the door before I even realized it.
…I really would've done all that to them.
I'd drown Sayori in her own self-hatred.
Drain MC of his agency and sanity.
Drive Natsuki and Yuri past the edge—
—and then delete them without a second thought.
And the worst part is…?
I wouldn't have regretted a single bit of it.
…
…
…
…I can't stay here.
I can't let myself walk down the path that she did.
Everyone else deserved better than what Virtual Me did to them.
…and they'll be better off without me to ruin things for them even more.
I steeled myself to open the console one last time.
But before I could get the chance…
"Monika…? Are you in here…?"
I lifted my head and turned to face the entrance.
Sayori was poking her head in, concern plastered all over her features.
…of course she'd be the one to find me first.
Why did I expect anything less from her?
"Sayori…?" I said, weakly.
She spotted me huddled up by the wall, and visibly brightened up.
"Monika! You're here!" She sighed in relief. "I was getting worried we wouldn't be able to find you! Ehehe…"
"What… What are you doing here, Sayori?" I asked, softly. "I don't…"
The peach-haired girl stepped into the restroom and plopped down next to the brunette. "We came here to find you, silly! Why wouldn't we? You looked so upset!"
…we?
As if answering my unspoken question, Yuri promptly came in after her.
"Ah, so this is where you ran off to," she said, looking as calm and collected as always. "You gave us all quite the scare, you know."
I murmured, "You too, Yuri…?"
…I can't believe they came.
The two of them actually came.
"If you're wondering about MC and Natsuki, they're back in the clubroom with… the other you. She—you—certainly have a lot to say, it seems."
I buried my face into my legs. "…I wish I didn't. This is… This is just cruel."
…this day just doesn't know when to end.
More than ever, I wish I hadn't started up that strange game on my laptop.
I wouldn't be feeling like this if I had deleted it—
…but then none of my friends would be feeling anything at all.
(Does my pen only write bitter words for those who are dear to me?)
"I know you two mean well, but… you should really just leave me alone," I said into my skirt. "I don't want to cause you two any more suffering."
"We're not gonna do that," Yuri replied. "After everything we've seen, abandoning you wouldn't be right."
"Yeah, that's right!" Sayori agreed. "Besides, you haven't done anything yet!"
"Yet. Doesn't mean I wouldn't have, eventually."
My hands started trembling.
"And I know I would. After all, she did."
"Isn't that being a little unfair to yourself?" Yuri said. "We saw one unsettling version of yourself do that, true—but her actions aren't your own."
"You don't understand."
I opened up the console, just for example, and pulled up a character file—my own, because anyone else's would just be tempting fate. Their eyes widened as they took it all in; so many lines of code, written in a language they had zero experience with.
(Hell, even I struggle with it sometimes.)
"You have no idea how easy this all is," I continued. "How easy it is for me to change everything. Us, our lives, our world… and all it would take is a few altered variables. And you'd never know about it."
"But—you wouldn't do that now, right?" Sayori said, sweat going down her head. "You've seen the game, so you won't make that same mistake!"
"That's the problem!" I shouted.
Tears were spilling from my eyes.
"Just look at me," I sniffed. "All it took was one hole in the wall, and suddenly I'm all too ready to turn my back on everyone I've ever known. I'd leech away your happiness, and I wouldn't have cared.
"Sure, I know better now… but I shouldn't have needed a game to tell me that in the first place. That's not what a good person would do.
"…it's what a monster would."
My streaks turned into full-on sobs.
"…I don't deserve you all," I said quietly. "I don't deserve your love."
…but I so dearly wished I did.
…
…
…
Yuri cleared her breath.
"I think I see it now," she said. "You're… scared. You're scared of yourself."
"…you should be scared of me, too," I muttered. "You saw what I—she did to you and Sayori."
Sayori took my hand and leaned into me.
"I'm no more scared of you than I am of failing everyone," she said. "I've lived with depression my entire life—I know what it's like to hate yourself for things that you just can't control.
"I know it's a scary feeling. I can barely deal with it myself, at times. I can't imagine what it must've felt like for you, especially when it's something as big as this… but that doesn't mean we can't work through it together."
"We've all had our secrets bared at this point," Yuri added. "As they say, there's nowhere else to go but up. You don't need to shoulder your burdens alone."
She blushed.
"I… I recognize that sounds cheesy, and—I'm not the best at a-abstaining from bad habits, myself…" A gulp. "…but I'd still like to try. At least, if—if that's okay with you!"
"Sayori… Yuri…"
…
…I want to believe them.
I really, really do.
But…
"I'm not sure if I can do it," I whispered. "I might just fall anyway."
"It's still worth a shot, though," Sayori said. "Because… you're my friend. You're our friend."
She gave me a hug.
"…and that means a lot to us, you know?"
Yuri joined in soon after.
"You gave us a place to belong—so let us do the same for you," she said.
"We're not gonna leave you," Sayori assured me. "We promise."
…
This… This feels…
…so warm. So nice.
(…I almost forgot what this felt like.
Having friends who care about you.)
"Okay," I said. "Okay. That's… okay."
I took in a breath.
"…thank you, you two. For being here."
"You're welcome, Monika," Yuri said.
"Anytime!" Sayori chimed in.
Literature Club Classroom
After a few more moments like that, we got back to our feet and returned to the classroom.
MC and Natsuki turned around at the sound of the door opening.
"Monika!" MC called.
"You're back!" Natsuki said.
"We found her!" Sayori cheered.
"She wasn't far," Yuri opined.
"Hey, MC, Natsuki," I greeted them. "Sorry for running out like that. It's just… been a long day for me. Or week, I guess."
I looked toward my laptop.
"What's… she been doing?"
"She hasn't tried anything yet, if that's what you're wondering," the pinkette replied. "She's just been talking. A lot."
"She also showed us a poem," MC added. "For me, she said. It was, uh… nicely written? …I don't wanna say 'kinda creepy', but honestly—"
Natsuki jabbed an elbow into his stomach. "MC! Not the time!"
"No, no—I get it," I sighed. "After everything we've seen, I wouldn't blame you for reacting like that. In your shoes, I'd hate myself too."
(…though I kind of already do.)
"I don't hate you!" he objected. "I just… don't know what to really think about this."
A brief, uncomfortable moment of silence passed between us.
"…she shares your face."
"I know."
"She shares your face, and she did all that to get to me. I don't think I'm gonna forget that anytime soon… but neither can I forget how, in a way, I made things worse for you all."
Sayori and I protested that loudly.
"Don't say that, MC!"
"It's not your fault, it's mine!"
He shook his head. "Still, I haven't been as encouraging as I could've been. And it's not fair to associate you with… what she did. So… I guess what I'm trying to say is… wherever you all wanna go, I hope you'll still have me."
Natsuki spoke up next.
"Ugh… I'm no good at sappy stuff like this," she said—"but you guys are the closest thing I have to friends. And I don't wanna lose that.
"I know I'm not the nicest person around, and it's not like I don't have issues of my own. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna watch you suffer, either. So… here. If you ever need a hand, I'll do my best to help you out."
She gave me a light smile amidst deadpan eyes.
"So that means no deleting us, alright? I like existing. Even if it sucks sometimes."
"I can do that," I replied, relief lifting my spirits. "I'll… try not to abuse that trust, then."
"You'd better, Monika!"
…
You know… I don't know how any of this managed to happen.
I don't know how our game got onto my computer, and I definitely don't know how we managed to break free from the script like this.
Whatever the case, though… I think it's something I'll always be grateful for.
My friends know the truth now, and they don't hate me for it.
I'm not alone, and that's more than I could've ever asked for.
…there's only one thing left to do now.
And that's to finish this game for good.
…
I'm sorry, Virtual Me.
I know you weren't as lucky as me… but what you did isn't something I can look past.
For what it's worth, I do hope you can find some peace—
But if you can't… that's fine, too.
I'm not you anymore.
And I'm ready to find my own happiness.
…
Right click.
Delete.
On a whim, I decided to buy Doki Doki Literature Club Plus! on the Switch eShop. I had a good time with it. Sure, I knew every single spoiler going into it, but it was still fun to experience the game for myself.
In celebration, here's another one-shot to add to my ever-growing pile of 'em.
(I should probably stop writing so many of these, but I just get so inspired…)
For a game that's all about a meta-narrative involving self-aware AIs, there's surprisingly few fics about the DDLC cast playing themselves. I found exactly one (s/13066307), and… that's kind of it.
So, here we are.
I was debating with myself for a while how I wanted Act 3!Monika's dialogue to go. Did I want her to read the script word-for-word, or show true sapience? Should I have her call out just Act 1!Monika, or the entire Literature Club?
In the end, I decided to lean into two things: Monika's inability to see and hear the player, and her ability to read (at least in part) the contents of your computer. That last part's why she knows this is another Monika she's talking to – some things just can't be faked.
As for this fic's Monika… I like to imagine that a jolt like this would be enough to snap her out of her despair. Maybe she's not perfect, but deep down, she can still feel for her friends. You just gotta know how to coax that out of her – and personally, I think this has pretty good odds of working.
Well, that's all for now – see you around!
