Chapter 4: Advice from the Kettle

"ELDER KETTLE?!" Cuphead and Mugman exclaimed, shocked to see their grandfather here in this strange wonder world. Somehow, through some mysterious power, Elder Kettle was sitting on top of a giant mushroom. Not only that, but he was a top black hat and a bright green, red, gold, and black suit. And to top it off, he was smoking hookah for crying out loud!

And for that matter, Elder Kettle didn't seem to recognize them either as he stared quizzically at them. He then took the hookah out of his mouth and addressed them in a languid, sleepy voice which felt unnatural compared to the bright and jolly tone the brothers were used hearing from him. "Who are YOU?" He asked simply.

Cuphead and Mugman merely to each other. That wasn't exactly a very encouraging opening to a conversation. Turning back to the kettle that resembled their grandfather (who was back to smoking his hookah), Cuphead stepped forward to speak up.

"Well, good sir, we-" He was cut off when Elder Kettle took out the hookah of his mouth again and rudely blew some bright blue smoke in his face, making him cough and gag in the middle of his sentence. "We don't know. We've changed so many times, you see?" He wheezed.

"I don't see." Elder Kettle stated sternly. "Explain yourselves."

Seeing as this kettle was not the same sweet old one they knew, Mugman decided it was his turn to do the talking. "Well, I don't think we can, sir." He said. "Because... I don't think we're ourselves, as strange as that sounds."

Elder Kettle raised a brow. "What do you mean?"

Mugman tried to respond but under the stern gaze of the being who resembled their grandpa, he felt like he had been backed into a corner. And he found himself unable to reply.

"Nothing to say?" Elder Kettle questioned. "Then I will ask again; who are YOU?"

The young mug fidgeted for a moment. "Well... I can't put it anymore clearly because it isn't clear to me." He replied politely.

"And on that," Cuphead spoke up, having recovered from his coughing fit. "don't ya think you ought to tell us who you are first?"

"Why?" Kettle asked, going back to smoking his hookah.

Now that was a very puzzling question, as neither Cuphead or Mugman could think of any good reason. And seeing as 'Elder Kettle' was in such an unpleasant state of mind, Cuphead huffed with irritation and turned away.

"Come back!" The old kettle called after him. "I've something important to tell you!"

Deciding to here him out, Cuphead turned around and came back.

"Watch your temper." Elder Kettle told him, gesturing at him with his cane.

"Is that all?" Cuphead asked, shoving his negative feelings as deep down as he could.

"No." Said Elder Kettle.

Continuing this 'conversation', the brothers sat down. "I mean, neither of us can really understand it to begin with. And between shrinking and growing so many times, everything's is just so confusing." Cuphead confessed, with Mugman nodding along with his explanation.

"It is not." Elder Kettle said simply.

Cuphead gave the old kettle a look. "What's that supposed to mean? It is for us."

"Why?" Elder Kettle asked again.

"Well..." Cuphead rubbed the back of his head as he tried to think. "I can't seem to remember things as I used to."

"Me too." Mugman added, going along with it.

"Recite." Kettle told them.

Cuphead rubbed his chin. "How doth the little busy bee improve each-"

"STOP!" Kettle told him. "That is not how it is spoken. It goes: How doth the little crocodile improve his shining tail and pour the waters of the Nile on every golden scale? How cheerfully he seems to grin, how neatly spread his claws, and welcomes little fishes in with gently smiling jaws."

Mugman raised a brow. "Well, sir, I gotta say I've never heard it that way before."

"I know." Elder Kettle acknowledged, blowing some more colored smoke rings from his mouth. "For I improved it."

"Well," Cuphead tried to speak up, only for the smoke rings to pelt his face, sending him into another coughing fit. "I-if you ask me-"

"You?" Kettle scoffed. "Who are you?" He asked once again, this time blowing smoke rings into both the brother's faces.

Cuphead and Mugman were unable to respond as they both coughing and wheezing with so much smoke in their faces, forming a small cloud around them. Mugman eventually inhaled too much smoke, and his big blue nose was now getting itchy. With one final inhale, he let out a loud and powerful sneeze, dispersing the cloud of smoke while knocking himself down.

"Now, repeat this," Elder Kettle instructed. "You are old, Father William."

Seeing as Mugman was still recovering from his sneeze, Cuphead decided to be the one to repeat. "'You are old, Father William.' the young man said." He repeated. "'And you hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head- Do you think, at your age, is right?' 'In my youth,' Father William replied to his son, 'I feared it might injure the brain; But now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, why, I do it again and again.' 'You are old.' said the youth, 'as I mentioned before, and you have grown most uncommonly fat; Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door - Pray, what is the reason of that?' 'In my youth,' said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 'I kept all my limbs very supple by the use of this ointment- one shilling the box - Allow me to sell you a couple?' 'You are old," said the youth, 'and your jaws are too weak for anything tougher than suet; Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak- Pray how did you manage to do it?' 'In my youth,' said his father, 'I took to the law, and argued each case with my wife; and the muscular strength, which it gave to my jaw, has lasted the rest of my life.' 'You are old,' said the youth, 'one would hardly suppose that your eye was as steady as ever; yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose- What made you so awfully clever?' 'I have answered three questions, and that is enough,' Said the father; 'don't give yourself airs! Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!'"

Cuphead let out a gasp, now out of breath and feeling rather impressed with himself for reciting such a long poem. Taking a moment to catch his breath, Cuphead looked up to Elder Kettle, who had a disapproving look on his face.

"That is not right." Kettle told him sternly.

The young cup winced at the aggressive tone. "No, it's not." He replied timidly. "I had to change some of the words."

"It is wrong from beginning to end." Elder Kettle said decidedly, much to Cuphead's surprise and annoyance. Kettle then pointed to Mugman, who by this point had finally recovered from his sneeze. "And now you recite."

Mugman cleared his throat as he tried to think. "The sun was shining on the sea, shining with all his might," He recited, "he did his very best to make the billows smooth and bright. - and this was odd, because it was the middle of the night. The moon was shining sulkily, because she thought the sun had no business to be there after the day was done - 'It's very rude of him,' she said, 'To come and spoil the fun.' The sea water was wet as wet could be, the sands were dry as dry. You could not see a cloud, because no cloud was in the sky: no birds were flying overhead - there were no birds to fly. The Walrus and the Carpenter were walking close at hand; they wept like anything to see such quantities of sand: 'If this were only cleared away,' They said, 'it would be grand!' 'If seven maids with seven mops swept it for half a year, do you suppose,' the Walrus said, 'that they could get it clear?' 'I doubt it.' said the Carpenter, and shed a bitter tear. 'O Oysters, come and walk with us!' The Walrus did beseech. 'A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk, along the briny beach: We cannot do more than four, to give a hand to each.' The eldest Oyster looked at him, but never a word he said: The eldest Oyster winked his eye, and shook his heavy head - meaning to say he not choose to leave the oyster-bed. But four young Oysters hurried up, all eager for a treat: their coats were brushed, their faces washed, their shoes were clean and neat - and this was odd, because you know, they hadn't any feet. Four other Oysters followed them, and yet another four; and thick and fast they came at last, and more, and more, and more - all hopping through the frothy waves, and scrambling to the shore. The Walrus and the Carpenter walked on a mile or so, and then they rested on a rock conveniently low: and all the little Oysters stood and waited in a row. 'That time has come,' The Walrus said, 'To talk of many things: Of shoes - and ships - and sealing wax - of cabbages - and kings - and why the sea is boiling hot - and whether pigs have wings.' 'But wait a bit,' the Oysters cried, 'Before we have our chat; for some of us are out of breath, and all of us are fat!' 'No hurry!' said the Carpenter. They thanked him very much for that. 'A loaf of bread,' the Walrus said, 'is what we chiefly need: Pepper and vinegar besides are very good indeed - now if you're ready, Oysters dear, we can begin to feed.' 'But not on us!' the Oysters cried, turning a little blue. 'After such kindness that would be a dismal thing to do!' 'The night is fine,' the Walrus said. 'Do you admire the view? It was so kind of you to come! And you are very nice!' The Carpenter said nothing but cut us another slice: I wish you were not quite so deaf - I've had to ask you twice!' 'It seems a shame,' the Walrus said, 'to play them such a trick, after we've brought them out so far, and made them trot so quick!' The Carpenter said nothing but the butter's spread too thick! 'I weep for you,' the Walrus said: 'I deeply sympathize.' With sobs and tears he snorted out those of the largest size, holding his pocket-handkerchief before his streaming eyes. 'O Oysters,' said the Carpenter, 'You've had a pleasant run! Shall we be trotting home again?' But answer came there none - and this was scarcely odd, because they'd eaten every last one." He finished, smiling and feeling proud of himself while Cuphead stared at him in surprise.

Elder Kettle, however, looked as displeased as ever. "That is also wrong." He said, much to Mugman's disbelief. "It is wrong in all the wrong places."

"So what was the point of any of this?!" Cuphead shouted, now fed up with all these poems.

Kettle didn't reply, instead remaining silent for several minutes as Cuphead began to calm down. His expression was unreadable as he continued smoking his hookah. It was until ten minutes had passed that Elder Kettle had decided to speak again. "What size do you want to be?" He suddenly asked, as if the whole poems exchange hadn't even happened.

"... We would like to be a little larger, sir." Mugman hesitantly replied.

"Why?"

"Well," Cuphead spoke up, "it's kinda tedious being three inches tall, don't ya think?"

Elder Kettle narrowed his eyes. "I am exactly three inches high!" He snapped angrily, startling the brothers as he stood up at full height (which was exactly three inches tall). "And it is a very good height indeed!"

"Geez, didn't need to yell." Cuphead muttered, crossing his arms.

"But we're not used to it, sir!" Mugman pleaded in a pitiful tone.

"You'll get used to it in time." Elder Kettle told him, now calming down and going back to smoking his hookah.

This time, both Cuphead and Mugman waited patiently until there was a good time to speak again. However, before they could say anything, Elder Kettle suddenly took the hookah out of his mouth and then got off the mushroom walked away in the grass, merely telling them as they went, "Before I go I must tell you, one side will make you grow larger, and the other makes you smaller."

"One side of what?" Cuphead called.

"The mushroom, of course!" Elder Kettle told him before heading into the thicker grass and disappearing out of sight.

Now that the two had been left alone, Cuphead and Mugman sat down thoughtfully on the large mushroom. Neither of them knew which side of the mushroom would be the one to make them grow taller, and the fact that the mushroom was perfectly round didn't help either. However soon enough, the two plucked two pieces from each side and held them in each of their hands. Now, the question was which pieces would make them grow.

Cuphead, not really caring (he was tired of only being three inches tall), bit into the piece in his left hand. Mugman quickly followed suite, bitting off a piece of the mushroom in his left hand.

And as soon as they swallowed it, they found their heads suddenly shoot up into the sky, blasting past the leafs and branches of the trees above them until their heads were fully above the forest.

Naturally, they were a good deal surprised and frightened by this very sudden change, and were even more freaked out when they realized that their shoulders were nowhere to be found. In fact, all they could see were two very long necks which seemed to rise out of leafs that lay far down below them.

Just then, the boys heard a loud terrified shriek before a voice yelled, "Help! Serpent! Serpent!" They then saw a little bird fly in front of them. "Shoo! Go away! Serpent! Serpent!"

"But we're not serpents!" Mugman cried.

"Then just what are you?" The bird questioned with the deepest contempt.

"We're just a couple of little boys." Mugman replied.

"Little?" The bird scoffed. "Little?! I don't suppose you don't eat eggs either."

"Only when they're sunny-side up." Cuphead remarked.

The bird gasped before it's face turned angry. "I knew it! I knew it! You two are serpents! Serpents!" Still yelling, the bird flew away into the distance, leaving the brothers alone.

"So... what do we do about this?" Cuphead asked once the bird had left. "I mean, we can't exactly reach up here."

Mugman thought for a moment. "Well, if we can't reach up, why don't we try reaching down?"

Before Cuphead could ask what he meant, Mugman bent his now long neck down through the trees, finding it surprisingly able to zig zag around the branches below. He quickly made his way back to his body, with Cuphead closely following behind him. And this time, they each took a bite out of the piece in their right hands. Like before, as soon as they swallowed the bites, their shrunk right back down to their usual height, leaving the boys back at being three inches tall.

"Oh, I'm not sure we'll get the knack of this." Mugman groaned as he rubbed his throat.

Cuphead, meanwhile, inspected the piece in his left hand. Taking a whole bite had clearly made things worse, so he was more cautious this time. Instead of biting it, he chose to instead lick it. And as soon as his tongue left the mushroom piece, his body was suddenly at it's normal size. "There," He smiled, "that's much better."

Mugman, following his brother's example, took a lick from the piece of mushroom in his left hand as well and instantaneously found himself at his normal height. It had been so long since they had been anything near the right size that it felt oddly strange to him at first. Cuphead didn't seem to feel the same, and even if he did, he was doing a very good job of hiding it.

"We should probably save these." Mugman suggested, with Cuphead agreeing before they put the pieces of mushrooms in their pockets and wandering further into the forest.

This chapter was originally going to be longer, but I decided to cut it down into two separate chapters.