I did it. I really agreed to do this. After weeks of consideration and debate, I'm actually here. Everything is signed and approved already. The Kamukura project. The craziest part is that my parents have no idea. I told them I was taking extra classes, planning to move into a dorm, and if I did good enough on a project the tuition would go down. Maybe they're naive or too tired to ask many questions, because they just wished me luck and offered to help. I had no idea what was going to happen. Still don't, really.
I'm getting a talent and the tuition will be waived, that's good enough for me! That's all I know about this top secret project. I'm guessing it'll be classes and new experimental teaching methods. I have no idea. Who cares? As long as it makes me worth something, it's fine. To say I'm both excited and anxious would be an understatement. They said I was chosen since I'm physically the most capable, so I shouldn't be nervous about disappointing them or being seen as hopeless. It's going to work out! People will see me as important and valuable, Nanami will see me as a better person, I can make new friends with the status, and my parents will actually be proud of me. It's worth it.
Meeting at where I was supposed to early in the morning is tiring, yet anxiety inducing. 4:30 AM. As childish as it sounds, I keep thinking about how I won't get to have breakfast with my parents like I usually do. Being up early sucks. At least I'm too tired to be as nervous as would be. School looks so weird without any students. "You're right on time. Follow me." A professor comes to me and wastes no time to guide me somewhere. She's probably too sleepy to be very professional. A hidden place on campus that I never realized we had. Down some stairs, in dark hallways, and a long never ending walk. The anticipation is unbearable. All this walking seems like a bad prank.
"Are you excited?" The professor asks while we walk down another hallway. "Yes, ma'am. A bit nervous." I answer politely. She reaches for some something in her pockets. "That's normal. You're making history! I'm sure you'll do great." Without looking at me, she unlocks a door. A big black door with a cardreader. Hm. This really is a big secret. I was told not to tell anyone, even my family. Even if I could, I don't think I would've. Mainly because the idea alone is crazy. Can Hope's Peak actually make someone like me talented? "Alright, we're here. Put this on and we can get started." She hands me something that looks like a hospital gown.
Looking around for a place to change, I realize how weird this room is. Really intimidating. Dark and almost sciene fiction like. Files, computers, weird machines. This isn't what I thought it would be like at all. "You can just change here. I won't be perving on you, kid." The professor lady is writing stuff on a clipboard. This is weird. I thought it would be different, but it's okay. Changing immediately, I hand her my old clothes. "So, um... I'm not sure what we're doing honestly." This seems almost like surgery. I guess it'll be okay. The school wouldn't put me in danger or anything.
"We have to wait for more doctors first. Don't worry you're in safe hands." Looking at my record again then back at me, she looks confused. She says something insulting under her breath, but I heard it all too clearly. Too shocked to truly react, I stay silent. "There he is! Are you ready?" A man's voice comes from behind me. Thank God. "Yes, sir!" This doctor guy seems a lot nicer than her already. His gloved hands and hospital scrubs make me more nervous. I've never even been to a hospital before so I'm not used to seeing anything like this. "Good! Glad to hear it. Follow me to the operation room." He smiles at me like I knew he'd say that. Operation room? Am I actually going to get surgery? How would that help with this?
Instead of asking questions, I follow. Another dark hallway later and we're in a new room. It's truly hospital like. A hospital bed, monitors, machines, medical tools I don't know the names of. The biggest difference between this and the hospitals I've seen in movies is the darkness. This room is dark and almost depressing. Or maybe hospitals are just like this in real life. "Lay down on the bed and we'll get ready." His voice sounds so positive. Was the surgery part of the things I signed? I don't think so. I read them. All the fine print with excruciating detail. All it said was not to tell anyone and the benefits. I wonder what surgery they're doing. I shouldn't think about that. While I wait, I'll think about something else. Um, what about the professor lady? How did she know? No one's mistaken me for a girl since middle school and the gown is too baggy to see my chest binding very well. Maybe I should've taken that off. I'll leave it on unless I get told otherwise.
Ah, I'm so happy. Everything is going to be amazing when it's over. I didn't think being nervous, amxious, and happy at once was possible until now. Getting hooked up to a monitor, all I can think about is how good things will be. The benefits of this whole thing have me daydreaming. I've never had any kind of surgery before, yet I'm not worried. Is that normal? Without much warning, the doctor comes up with a sharp tool. Almost like an icepick, but not quite. Small procedure, my ass. That thing is terrifying! He's putting that tool down on a tray by me and I can't help but stare at it. Is that just how scary medical tools are? What are they doing to me? I wasn't told about any of this. No, it's okay. I have to do it. I NEED to.
More doctors come in. I tell myself I need to be strong. It'll be worth it in the end. Calm down. Deep breaths. "Are you going to give me some sleepy medicine or anything?" I ask after a moment of calming down. No verbal answers. One guy hands me pills and some water. Hm. This doesn't feel right. As soon as I take them, all 3 doctors crowd around me. What a weird feeling. Being surrounded. That sharp tool is placed right by my left eye. What the hell!? This is a sick joke. This is like a sick horror movie. I jump back as instincts yell at me. What do I do? That tool is seconds away from going into my eye. I try to back up, look away, close my eyes, anything, but I get threatened. "We can strap your head down if you need it." It's hard to stay brave. The cold metal makes it more real.
Suddenly, it's in. Between my left eye and my eyelid, the tool moves around. Every single movement intensifies the reality of it all. I've never felt a more agonizing pain in my life. I know I told myself to be brave, but this is unbearable. I can't tell if it's blood or tears going down my face. Closing my eye does nothing since he can just get another doctor to open it up. "AHHH NO STOP!! STOP, IT HURTS!!" My pleds get ignored. My brain hurts. I didn't think that was possible. Leather straps restrain my face with no warning. Sweat and blood make the leather texture that much worse. However my body is too busy being hyperaware of the tool's every move. "JUST KNOCK ME OUT OR SOMETHING, PLEASE!"
I don't know why they didn't do that in the first place. My thoughts can't go very far, because the pain is truly that bad. "Dr. Shikinami, get the midazolam." Finally. I can maybe make it with that. God, this is torture. The lobotomy doesn't stop when I get the IV in. It doesn't take long for me to realize they didn't give me anything to knock me out, but instead an actual pain reliever. Why didn't they do that before? Truly, I don't understand why this torture is what they want. My vision gets blurry. Is this the goal? I keep wanting to scream, but I can't if I am or not anymore. Doctor whatever switches to my right eye. This time it wasn't as bad which isn't saying much. The pain is intense even now. Still, I can't wait for it to be over.
Waking up is a huge mistake. Everything hurts. My chest. My head. My eyes. All of it feels sore and beaten. I can't see anything because my eyes are bandaged, but I can only feel that I'm being sadistically observed. This isn't what I was expecting. I don't think I can do this anymore. If I knew it was like this, I would've never accepted. Pain shoots up my body and I can't help but groan. "How are you feeling?" A familiar male voice asks. Everything stings as I try to move. "It... h-hurts." My voice is weaker and more teary than I ever wanted it to be. Like I've been crying the whole time I was asleep. "It'll heal soon. We have another surgery t-" I cut him off with a scream. Originally from the idea of going through it again, yet the pain in my chest kept it going.
"NO NO NO, I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!! PLEASE LET ME GO HOME!! I WON'T TELL ANYONE, OKAY? JUST LET ME GO HOM-" The doctor I verbally recognized as the one that led me back there so kindly before roughly puts his hand over my mouth. The glove over my mouth feels disgusting. "You already signed everything. We can't let you go now. You should be happy. Every kid in the reserve course would kill to be you right now." He lets go after a moment of angry silence. All I can do is lay back and regret everything. Is it worth it? This unbearable pain all to be seen as equal. I don't know anymore. What I do know is that I really wish I saw my parents this morning.
