Biggest Fear

In his bedroom, Tenten seemed just as sleepy as she'd been on the sofa in his den. As he put her down, the same feeling as earlier overcame him. That he couldn't believe Tenten was in his bedroom, his bed. Of course now this disbelief was buried under a ton of other disbeliefs. Such as time travel being possible or that there had been two Tentens in his home at the same time. Or that he'd almost kissed one of them to prove a point. He swallowed hard as he glanced back at how her body lay splayed all over his sheets. The nemaki she wore was his, so it was way too big. It was sliding down one of her shoulders, so her collarbone glistened in the night.

How easily it would be to run his hands all over her body, between her thighs, touch her, grab her. But of course he never would. That would be molestation. And regardless of his unhealthy obsession with her, he was not so far gone that he would compromise his ethics… or so he would like to believe. Because the truth was he had already compromised them.

He was not a good human being. Or particularly emotionally healthy. He was not just in love with his colleague, he was desperate for her. And it meant he treated her differently. And it was not ok. It was nowhere near ok. The way he tried to keep it a secret only made it worse. Something inside him told him this was not how mature individuals dealt with their feelings. Apparently ninja school or the Hyūga etiquette did not prepare one to have a healthy relationship with one's feelings. The guilt made him a little bit sicker each day. He was going to have to figure out a way to move himself into a healthier mindset if he didn't want to risk becoming an absolute-

"Why don't you come sleep here with me?" Tenten interrupted his thoughts from where he assumed she'd been sleeping. The phrasing made him swallow hard.

"I'm not tired."

"Doesn't matter. You gotta rest."

Her reply brought a smirk to his face. This may be a future version of Tenten but she was still his Tenten. She obviously remembered how he would tell her something very similar when they were on a mission and she was too wired to sleep. He still insisted on everyone getting their rest. It was just good leadership.

"I'll sleep on the couch," he protested. That only made her laugh. He had to admit it was a ridiculous notion. That old thing was maybe half as long as he was. He'd have to fold himself over to sleep on it. Still looking more asleep than awake, Tenten wiggled off over to the side, so there was a definite space on the bed for him to sleep on. He swallowed hard again. His throat was achingly dry.

"I gotta shower first."

"Ok," she murmured.

With heavy limbs Neji peeled himself off the chair and stalked over to the attached bathroom. It was so tiny it basically only had room for one person. Maybe two if one of them stood in the shower. He quietly shut the door and stripped off his clothes. He didn't wait for the water spray to turn warm, but just got right in. The cold water provided a welcome shock. It cleansed his thoughts of hot sweaty images for a moment or two.

But then they were irrevocably back. He'd have to join her soon. She had a point; he did need rest. He had a scroll to find and something told him that his razor sharp mind would be slightly compromised during this mission. So he did what he had to do. He was used to it by now, good at it. It was part of his ritual before every training session with her. There was an efficiency to how he stabilized himself against the shower wall with one hand and grabbed his member with the other, started pulling and pressing until he found a familiar rhythm.

He tried an old favorite of his that usually got fast results. The fantasy of what he should've done on his eighteenth birthday. No, what he shouldn't have but would've wanted to, he corrected himself. Swim up to her in the silvery light. Pull her close in the dark water, feel her slippery body up against his. Wrap one leg of hers around his waist and kiss her. Tell her how fierce he thought she was. And brave. How scary she could be. And how beautiful and smart and kind. How he wanted to do nothing else but try to be with her in any way she'd have him. That he'd been hopeless from the moment he entered puberty. Then float them back to the shore and press her back into the soft mud, gently lift her arms. Ask her permission and then…

This was taking too long. Neji couldn't stay under the shower all night.

Today the skinny dipping memory had acquired an additional level of emotional meaning that was interfering with his ritual.

So he chose a different fantasy. One he wasn't proud of. It was just images of him taking her hard against a tree at their training ground. It was really just the fantasy of pounding into her again and again, thinking about how she'd scream, how she'd beg him for more, claw at his arms to tighten his embrace.

This one did the trick and he only stayed to wash off the guilt as well. It never worked of course. So he just put on his most stoic face, grabbed a towel for around his waist and snuck back into his bedroom. He chose whatever he could find in the dark without making any noise as sleeping attire. Then, heart pounding, he went to carefully lay himself onto his designated bit of bedspace.

The mattress shifted and of course all he did was lie there, wide awake. This did not feel restful at all. In fact, it was quite strenuous as he worked at not moving a muscle and keeping his eyes glued to the ceiling.

"You're allowed to breathe. I won't bite," she whispered beside him.

"I know."

"I've seen you sleep a million times."

"I know."

"Why is this different?"

"Because it's my bed," he answered honestly. She wasn't supposed to be here. He was supposed to be free of her agonizing presence here. In fact, he tried not to but this bed was supposed to be one of the places where he could let go a little, control himself a little less. Have his mind go where it wanted to go and imagine her right there next to him. He did that sometimes when he couldn't sleep. Imagined she was just an arm's length away from him, sleeping peacefully, comfortable in his presence. And the image gave him peace of mind. In fact, he had a lot of images and very little actual things in his life that gave him peace of mind.

She wasn't answering him anymore, so perhaps she'd fallen asleep for real now.

He'd just managed to calm his breathing and relax his back muscles when she said something that made him tense up again immediately.

"You know, I wasn't playing into your attraction."

"Then what were you doing," he croaked.

"I don't know. What were you doing?"

Flirting, he thought. But he answered "Nothing."

"Didn't seem like nothing. Seemed like you were about to kiss your best friend."

"Seems like you were daring me to."

He could feel her shrug in the dark.

"Nah, now I know that you're just a boy in your early twenties, I'd feel as though I'd be robbing the cradle."

Neji sputtered with laughter.

"Me? Oh, you obviously don't know your Neji as well as you think you do," he responded teasingly. "Because if he is me then he's had more action than you think."

Tenten huffed.

"Please. I know so much more, the encounter would not be balanced. I'd be taking advantage of you."

"Because you're older?" Neji asked disbelievingly, finally turning his head in her direction. "No, definitely. Your Neji wouldn't have a problem with that. He prefers them a little older."

Now Tenten finally opened her eyes and stopped pretending she was sleeping.

"Seriously? You've got to be kidding." Then after a moment's thinking, she added: "If so, how come?"

Neji didn't answer her right away but he also didn't look back up at the ceiling.

"You know it's unfair that you can see me perfectly well in the dark but all I see-," Tenten began when Neji was finally ready to answer her.

"That way they're not close to his circle of friends. I stay mysterious. And available."

"Available?" she breathed.

"Yes, older women don't gossip."

"Ugh, ageism."

Neji chuckled at her response but answered in all earnesty.

"They don't, in my experience, because they have more experience keeping secrets and know when it's serious and they need to be kept. And I'd want to seem available in case someone should ever decide they would want to occupy me."

"You want to be … occupied?"
"Maybe."

"Neji, why are you telling me all this?"

"I've thought about it in the limited time available. And so far I've reached the conclusion that I did because I had to. I need someone to tell all these things to. I've been holding them in for an unhealthy amount of time and now that I can tell … well, you - without actually telling you - it just seems to be spilling out. I'm crazy about you. I can't keep my eyes off you. I'm so obsessed I feel guilty because it's not fair to you. And, believe me, I treat you unfairly because of it. From the moment I entered puberty I knew I was in deep trouble. And somehow none of my training prepared me for it and… I really think they should teach emotion regulation at the academy. Specifically. I mean, I've been a big meditator all my life but I still feel …" He trailed off.

"Did I freak you out?" he wondered when he realized she hadn't said anything in quite a while.

"Not sure. It's just… You're really not the Neji I know."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Well, no. Not anymore. I mean, there's only one past, right? I know there are two Tentens currently, but there's only one Neji, right?"

"How am I supposed to know? Until several hours ago I didn't know time travel was possible."

"I just keep thinking. If you are the Neji of the past… and there's only one, then you must have been the Neji that I knew back when I was your age. Only I don't remember you the way you are now. And if you really are the same one, then that means I never really knew my friend at all."

"Don't say that," he interrupted hastily. He didn't even know why because he didn't have a very logical counterargument. The truth was, she didn't know him very well. She didn't know his hopes and dreams, his fears. Or at least not all of them. She probably knew some of them from over the years.

"You know I used to want to become head of my clan, probably also that recently maybe I've begun to change my mind, thinking maybe my cousin isn't such a bad choice after all. That, instead, I want to be an outstanding ninja. A heroic role model."

She gave him a sad, bitter little smile.

"Oh, you're heroic alright," she admitted but he couldn't quite tell whether she was proud or upset about it. There was something else he needed to know.

"I need you to be brutally honest," he switched the subject and suddenly saw an alarming amount of dread in her eyes. Maybe she knew what he was going to ask and knew he was going to hate the answer.

"Do I ever do anything… really wrong?"

The weary look didn't waver.

"You know, like… inappropriate." It took all his courage to ask her that and finally the look of dread vanished from her features.

"Oh. No… Of course not." She looked shocked he'd even asked that. But he'd had to know.

"You never feel uncomfortable or … threatened in my presence?"

She looked at him solemnly as she stated slowly, so there would be no mistaking her:

"No, I never feel threatened or uncomfortable in your presence."

"Good," he managed to get out. "Then I know I can control myself when I'm around you in the future. I might actually be able to treat you more justly because I don't have to be so afraid all the time."

"You're afraid?"

"All the time."

"Huh, I never thought my Neji was afraid of anything. What of?"

"Losing you, getting you and being awful. Turning into a monster when I want something badly. What if I can't handle being rejected? What if I can't handle being close to anyone? What if I can't handle you going off on missions anymore because you might not come back? What if I'm a horrible man with no other legacy than a name entry in the family tree? There's lots of things I fear."

"Wow. That sounds like quite a lot."

"What about you?"

"My greatest fear has already happened. So now I'm not really terribly afraid of much. Probably why they chose me to go on this mission, now that I think about it."

Thankfully he didn't ask her what her biggest fear had been. Instead, Neji asked something unexpected. Hesitantly.

"Do you think if I were to do something … that you don't remember me doing, that it would change your future?"

Tenten was speechless. "I don't know. But I have a feeling that we should steer clear of that."

"Why's that?"

"I kind of remember Naruto saying something about lying low."

Neji nodded thoughtfully.

"In this future… are you happy?" he wanted to know.

She had to think about it for a moment. She also hadn't noticed when they'd crept so close to each other. She couldn't remember moving but Neji's face seemed a lot closer than it had when he'd first come to bed.

"I guess," she answered. "As happy as can be. I feel as though I own my apartment, I got a good job - I think -, great colleagues. I sort of remember getting a commendation last year. So, I think I'm doing alright."

"Then I don't wanna ruin that for you", he promised.

He smiled at her and the sight was so rare Tenten wanted to stare at it all night long. But eventually, the day just took its toll on her body and she fell asleep, still facing him.

Author Note:

For anyone interested in the email address, it's on my profile now. Sorry for the weird formatting.