Thanks for the reviews guys; that's the fuel to my engines. Luckily for you guys (and the CM guys) I don't think it gets any weirder than Mpreg... at least, I don't think it does.

Fanfiction Trauma


I see a couple of peeps have requested a Maeve story. Unfortunately I don't think I could do that seeing as how this is a comedy story. There isn't anything comical about Maeve's story, nor can I make any sort of parody because it will destroy the entire atmosphere I'm trying to establish. The same goes for Haley Hotchner.


Chapter 17: Gary Stu

"Kevin!" Garcia cried happily as she ran over to embrace him. "I'm glad you're okay!"

Kevin scratched his head to think. "What happened? I can only remember when Emily arrived, after that it's blank."

"Believe me son, you ought to be thankful." Rossi said, cringing as remnants from the story threatened to resurface.

"We should all be so thankful," Seaver added, still disturbed by what was read. "I mean we actually lived."

"I agree." Hotch replied.

"Jesus..." Morgan groaned as he finally lifted his head from the waste can where it'd been buried. "I think I just barfed my entire insides out. Seriously, I feel emptier than a model." He weakly stood up and leaned on the wall for support.

Blake rubbed a soothing hand over his back to try and alleviate his pain. "Easy Morgan."

He smiled. "Thanks Blake, I think I feel a bit better now."

At that moment Will had begun gaining consciousness. He opened his eyes and peered at the screen in complete horror. "Is it... is it over?"

"Yes," JJ answered as she crouched by him to inspect him. "Are you okay?"

"Yep, except my head is killing me." Will said. True to his word, a bump was visible on his forehead.

"Oh yeah sorry about that buddy," Morgan apologized. "None of us caught you so you pretty much landed face first onto the ground."

"Although given the circumstances you can't really blame us." Rossi said.

"I see..." Will said and winced as he rubbed the bruise. "Ouch."

"Don't," JJ berated him by swatting his hand away. "It'll only make it worse."

"Mommy, you should kiss daddy's boo-boo." Henry suggested. "That always makes me feel better."

JJ chuckled before placing a kiss on her husband's forehead. "Better now?"

The detective grinned. "Much."

"Well..." Emily interrupted, catching their attention. "I think I'll just be on my way now. So uh... yeah, don't forget to write."

"No way, you can't just leave!" Garcia protested. "They're not all horrible you know; in fact Kevin told us that he's read tons of good ones."

"That's right I have."

"And besides, none of us are allowed to leave. Those are the rules." Rossi added.

Hotch was inwardly glad that someone had voiced his thoughts, because if he wasn't allowed to leave then she wouldn't either.

"Yeah," Morgan said. "And don't tell me you could just walk away from Reid and his condition."

"Look at him Emily," Garcia said as she motioned the man huddled up in the corner, still visibly disturbed. "He just went through the worst mental torture."

Emily eyed the frail man before glancing at the door. It was about a few feet away and looked oh so tempting. She then turned to the group, whom we're staring at her expectantly.

Although she knew it wouldn't get any better; knew she'd regret it; and knew she could easily leave, the truth was this was her family. Visitations didn't come very often. So with a heavy heart and a conscious that told her otherwise, Emily made her decision.

"Okay... I'll, God forbid, stay and see this through with you guys to the end. I guess no matter how bad it gets I can't just leave you with these stories."

"Alright Emily!" JJ cheered as she gave her a high five.

Garcia pulled her for a hug. "I knew you wouldn't leave us!"

"Hey that reminds me..." Will muttered before turning to the group. "It's my turn to pick out a reader."

"Oh right, it is." Seaver said as she recalled the incident.

"I think since Emily just read she shouldn't have to be included in this." Will exclaimed.

"Bless you." Emily replied gratefully.

"So okay everyone, I'm thinking of a number from one to thirty, whoever guesses it is our reader." Will explained. "We'll start with you Penelope and so on."

Garcia gulped. "Is it... twelve?"

"Nope, you're lucky. Next!"

Morgan paled; with all the puking he'd done he looked like an expired cucumber. "Uh, is it seven?"

"Yup," Will said before laughing at his horrified expression. "Just messin' with ya. Next!"

"Douche..." Morgan muttered.

JJ sighed as it was her turn. "Four?"

Shit, Will thought. That was the number. He should have known not to use Henry's age as the number. He couldn't let her read. With a cough he quickly fixed his composure. "Nah, that isn't it. Next."

Only JJ had caught his discreet wink, to which she smiled to herself. He was definitely the man of her dreams.

Rossi took his time pondering for a number before finally coming to a decision. "Nine?"

"Ooooh tough luck, looks like you're our winner."

"It can't be!" Rossi gasped incredulously. "I even profiled you a bit to see which number you would most likely not pick."

"Sorry man, but it's you. Now you're prize is a chance to be our very next reader."

Rossi stomped towards the laptop and took a seat. "Why'd they ever invent these things anyway? Humanity was prospering just fine without them."

"Don't worry Rossi, I have your back." Seaver said with a smile as she stood by his side.

"Thanks kiddo, because I'm going to need someone to make sure I stay sane after this."

"I think we'll all need that." Blake said. "But, I guess it's a good thing we're all here for each other. Can you imagine what this would do to one of us if we'd ventured it alone?"

"You said it sunshine." Garcia agreed. "No one should enter these doors without support."

"How about this one?" Rossi said and the group huddled back to their spots.

The New Kid

By MrsLaMontagne

JJ scowled as she recalled the name. "Isn't this that girl that wrote the whump story?"

"Oh great," Seaver sighed. "It's Will's fangirl."

"Yes!" Will cheered. "That means I won't be character bashed here."

"But I might," Kevin grumbled. "This author wasn't particularly fond of me."

"Hopefully Reid isn't all emo here like he was in that other one." Morgan added.

Summary: The BAU is about to welcome their new addition to the team. He's a hot new agent who has a great body to compliment his hawt face.

Rossi frowned slightly. "This sounds dangerously close to that Mary Sue genre."

"Kevin, what is this?" Hotch asked.

Kevin cringed in disgust and groaned. "Ugh, Gary Stu."

"Gary Stu?" Blake repeated. "It sounds like a total copy of a Mary Sue."

"That's because it is a total copy. A Gary Stu is the male equivalent of a Mary Sue." Kevin began; the part of the group who'd suffered through Emeraldina shuddered. "They're an overly perfect male with extremely manly features, a handsome face, and often times, an overly large... uh... yeah."

"Doesn't sound too bad," Emily smirked.

"Hey princess, you weren't here for the Mary Sue story." Morgan replied. "It isn't as nice as you may think it is."

But even though he has all that he isn't hotter than Will. He's the hottest man!

Will sighed. "I'm a bit creeped out by her constant fawning over me."

"No kidding, she's practically drooling." Garcia said.

Hotch entered the bullpen where the rest of the team had been waiting. It was time for them to meet the new agent. They needed one since JJ wasn't on the team anymore.

"Thank God," JJ sighed in relief. "That means I won't be included."

"Lucky." Majority of the group groaned.

"Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to our newest agent. Meet Hansom Jenes."

Garcia frowned at the name. "Really?"

Morgan felt the sudden urge to puke again at that name. "This crap is worse than that Emeraldina Beautyla story."

Reid cringed. "You just had to bring that up."

Instantly Emily's and Seaver's jaw dropped.

"Oh give me a break..." Emily growled.

"How can I be in the team?" Seaver questioned. "If he's JJ's replacement then he's also my replacement. I shouldn't be in this!"

Morgan smirked. "It ain't looking too good for you ladies."

Hansom was incredibly built and the girls had all been eying him. But somehow he wasn't happy, because he knew what this job does. He hadn't wanted this job but everyone had insisted on it. The president and government had come to his high school and made him join the FBI.

"This story is beyond ridiculous." Emily said.

"I bet I could write something better." Will grumbled. Suddenly he grinned. "Y'know what I think I'll take myself up on that offer. I'll show these authors how to write a real fanfiction."

JJ facepalmed.

"Yo Rossi, maybe you should write one." Morgan suggested. "Since you're a real author and all."

"I'll stick to publishing books but thanks for the offer."

It wasn't fair, all he wanted was to spend time and sleep with all the gorgeous women he could find.

"This story makes Derek look like a virgin who's just decided to be a priest." JJ said.

"Hey, I resent that."

He didn't want to waste time saving people and hearing their sob stories.

"Well isn't he a charmer," Rossi joked dryly.

Hotch frowned but chose to say nothing. He knew the character was made up by a girl -whom was possibly a fourteen-year old- but he couldn't help but dislike him. He was glad that he knew better than to allow a shallow person like that onto his team.

His desk was luckily next to Emily's and across from him was Seaver. He smirked as they had practically been drooling over him.

Morgan laughed. "This is just priceless!" He earned an elbow shove from both women.

Penelope had gone to inform them that they had a case. She had almost fainted when she came upon him. He was a billion times hotter than her old boyfriend Kevin.

"Here we go again!" Kevin snapped.

She remembered how he'd cried after 5 seconds of sex because he was really gay.

Kevin went to sob in the corner, which had now been dubbed as the 'Emo Corner'.

"Have any of these guys heard of a book before?" Seaver asked. "Because this is definitely not how you write a story."

His intelligence proved to be unmatchable as he had single-handedly saved the victim and captured the unsub in that same day. It was such a troublesome task but he managed to get it over with quickly.

Hotch pinched the bridge of his nose in exasperation. He couldn't believe the stupidity of this story.

"This guy sounds like a total bag of douche." Garcia said.

"There is no way in hell I'd be getting into bed with this prick." Emily stated with a frown.

And that's when Emily had fallen irrevocably in love with Hansom.

Emily slammed her head onto the wall. "Oh the irony; the God damn irony!"

Seaver sighed in complete relief. "Dodged a bullet there... er, no pun intended."

He approached her when they returned to the BAU. "Hey there." His voice sounded like a cross between Clive Owen and David Beckham.

Some members of the group couldn't help but chuckle.

Emily froze and looked at him. She felt herself getting all hot and almost came all over herself.

"This author needs some serious help." Garcia said.

"She may not be the only one." Hotch said as Emily continued her head banging.

"Hey." She replied as sexy as she could. She had to get him in her bed. How could she not? He had muscles that would make anyone jealous and such a hot face.

"Yes, yes we get it already," Emily groaned into the wall. "I can't get enough of this guy, now can we PLEASE get on with the plot!"

"Is there one?" Blake asked no humor in her tone. She was dead serious.

"Has there ever even been a plot with any of the stories?" Seaver added.

But suddenly a bunch of the other girls that worked there came running up to him because he was sooooo hot! Even some gay guys came running, like Kevin.

"Ahaha!" Morgan couldn't help but laugh at the mental image.

"I'm not gay!" Kevin snapped from his spot in the corner.

"We know." Hotch assured him. "These authors are just... confused." He chose to use a much gentler word than the one he'd been thinking of since the start of the story.

"And they have a pretty wild and creepy imagination." Reid added.

Kevin had been the one who gave the loudest fangirlish squeal of all.

Poor Kevin could've just died at that moment as he laid in a fetal position, begging that his torment would just end.

Emily noticed and began getting jealous. She clung onto Hansom. "Back off he's my man!"

Hansom smirked. It was great being so sexy and irresistible and manly and cool and attractive—

"And oh so very modest," Blake cut in earning some chuckles.

and stunning. He grinned. "Tough luck people, she's my baby. Perhaps tomorrow we can have a few quickies when I get bored of her."

"Oh Hansom," Emily sighed dreamily.

Emily would've continued her head banging had JJ and Garcia not pried her away from the poor abused wall.

He turned to Emily. "Shall we head to your place and get our freak on?"

Everyone laughed at the horrible line.

"You bet your sweet ass!"

The two headed to her house immediately afterwards, both eager to get it on.

End.

It's rated T so I have to leave it at that lol :(

"Thank God!" Emily cried.

"I second that," Rossi agreed as he stepped off the chair. "I'd hate to see a love scene written by this girl."

"I think we're all in agreement." Hotch said.

"Now who reads?" Rossi asked.

This was the part everyone hated.


Author's Notes

I couldn't do a chapter featuring a Mary Sue without including the Gary Stu counterpart. Don't you just hate those two things lol!