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Fanfiction Trauma


Thanks Baby Porcupine-Cute but DEADLY for being my 500th reviewer.


Chapter 20: Hotly (Hotch/Emily)

Will peered up from the bed when Reid began stepping off the chair. "Oh, is it done?"

"Praise the heavens, it is." Rossi confirmed.

Morgan finally lifted himself from Blake's back where he'd been leaning on and stretched his tired arms. "Oh man that story almost put me to sleep."

"I'm just glad I'm not reading anymore." Reid said. "Those stories are major mental torture."

"Great," Emily muttered. "That means one of us reads."

"I say Derek should read." JJ said.

"No f-ing way, why am I always the one who reads?" He immediately protested.

"I think we should think of a fair way in selecting a reader." Blake suggested.

"Finally!" Morgan exclaimed. "Someone says something that makes sense; thank you Blake."

"Any suggestions?" Seaver asked, her question directed mostly at Kevin as he'd been the one coming up with the ideas.

Kevin placed a pensive hand to his chin. "Hmm, let me think." He snapped his fingers as an idea struck his mind. "I got it! We could draw straws."

"Theoretically that sounds like a good idea, but something tells me we might try to tamper with one of the straws." Will replied. "Thus, cheating."

"I agree with him." Emily exclaimed. "I don't trust Derek."

"Guilty as charged." Morgan said. "But hey, at least I can admit that I'd definitely tamper with the straws."

"Hotch perhaps you should do it." Seaver suggested. "I think you're the only one among us who wouldn't try anything."

Hotch nodded. "Very well. Reid you wouldn't happen to have any straws would you?"

Reid lightly scratched his head. "Erm, well... not exactly."

"Now isn't that just peachy," Rossi groaned.

"But I have all the materials needed to make a fairly accurate makeshift set of straws necessary for our predicament." Reid said and headed out the room. "Give me approximately four minutes; give or take a minute or two."

Morgan rolled his eyes. "I swear that kid has such a motor mouth."

"Still though, you can't help but love him." Emily said.

Morgan chuckled. "Yeah, that guy is definitely one of a kind."

Reid returned moments later with what he'd promised a set of makeshift straws. "Got them."

"Way to improvise Reid," Seaver praised with a smile.

"Thanks Ashley, all I did was use paper, scissors, and some tape." He said before handing the stuff to Hotch. "There's a marker by my laptop; though I say it'd be better to mark it outside."

"I understand." Hotch stated before stepping out.

"Hey Reid," Blake called. "Has it been thirty minutes yet?"

"Nope, sorry. It's only been about fourteen minutes."

"What?" Kevin said before sighing. "Dang it, I'm starving."

Hotch reentered with the straws. "So how do we go about shuffling these?"

"Simple," Will answered before taking them and handing them to Henry. "Hey bud, you think you can help dad out?"

"Of course!" Henry eagerly replied.

"That's my boy. So you see that straw with the red tip," he paused to allow Henry a peek at said straw. "I want you to shuffle it and not let anyone see. Can you do that for daddy?"

"You bet!" Henry said before turning to his best friend Jack. "Jack do you wanna help?"

"Sure!" Jack replied before turning to the adults. "Okay everyone, turn around. No peaking cause I got my eyes on you."

And so with Jack playing security Henry was successfully able to shuffle the straws.

"Ready!" Henry announced cheerfully. "Time to pick one."

One by one the grown-ups drew out a straw. An ignorant onlooker would look at the scene and probably laugh at how much the adults were participating in child games.

"Not me." Kevin said.

"Or me." Seaver added.

"Nooo!" Emily cried out as she held the object that would lead to her demise. "I have it."

Will smirked and guided her to the chair. "Oh, well you know what this means. Time for you to search for a story missy."

"Joy..." Emily muttered as she assumed the position. Wanting to get her turn over with, immediately she clicked on the first story she landed on. What good would searching do if they were all atrocious? "Got one."

Unexpected Results

By SuckmySock

"Well isn't that a lovely username," Rossi commented earning a set of chuckles.

"Say that username five times faster." Kevin joked.

Summary: What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas right, that's what most people say. Unfortunately for two of our favorite agents they are about to learn the hard way that the saying isn't always correct.

"Another guessing game?" Garcia grumbled.

"Surprise, surprise, surprise." Blake added with a bored tone.

The team had just finished a hardcore case in Vegas and were heading out to unwind at the casinos. The case had been a tough one and it was Penelope's idea to go out. She'd tagged along on the case because there was no way in hell she'd miss a chance to hang out in Vegas.

"Since when do I decide to tag along with you guys for such shallow reasons?" Garcia questioned angrily. "I know you guys travel to fight crime and save lives; I wouldn't fly with you guys on the off chance for some fun instead of staying in my work space where I know I'll be more resourceful."

Hotch swelled with pride at his colleague's strong resolute drive towards her job. He knew that although Garcia was bright and cheery that never, in any way, hindered her capabilities when it came to the job; if anything it was what kept them bound together.

"So are we all ready?" JJ asked.

"Hold it, we have to wait for Emily." Rossi said.

"No, no don't wait for me," Emily practically begged. "Leave without me and spare me from this sad piece of literature."

"Aw come on, she takes forever." Derek muttered. "Let's just leave without her."

"Yes!"

"No, we're waiting." Hotch replied.

"No!"

Finally Emily showed up. She gave her team an apologetic look. "My bad, let's hit the road."

Everyone but Spencer—

"Aaahh!"

who was visiting his mother, headed out. Once arriving at the crowded casinos the team split up and rushed to the machines like a pair of kids. Both Hotch and Emily stayed together and wandered off to their own path.

"So I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that it's you two this story is about." Seaver said.

Hotch could feel a vein threatening to pop out his head. "I only ask that they at least have it not include Beth."

"Why are they pairing me up with Hotch?" Emily asked incredulously. "He's happily in love with Beth and I'm nothing but happy for him."

"Hey you're cheating on me; this marriage is so off." Morgan said only to earn a glare.

"Want to try the slots?" Emily said and was already pulling the lever down.

"Yeah, in the meantime why don't I get us some drinks?"

"Yeah sure."

"Bad idea." Reid stated.

Hotch returned moments later and handed her the wine. He couldn't help but feel the electricity as their fingers brushed. Little did he know she'd felt it too. There had always been sparks between them.

Emily sighed and paused to reach out and take a hold of Hotch's hand. "Any sparks?"

"No." He said firmly.

"Exactly. Me neither."

The rest snickered at the action.

Come midnight the pair was well past the tipsy stage. Two hours later and they we're all that remained from the BAU team. The rest had called it a night already and they could hardly remember when that was.

"We should call it a night," Emily said nervously as she felt Hotch's breath on her ear. They had been playing in a crowded table.

"I'll walk you to your room." Hotch replied. He mentally cursed himself for the obscene thoughts crawling in his head. He felt like just pinning her to the table and ravishing her.

Hotch had never felt so mortified.

Rossi chuckled in his friend's direction. "You dog you. Guess those little things the authors wrote about you in their AN's were true."

"Shut up."

The elevator ride was extremely awkward and Emily was beyond glad when they finally reached her door. In her haste to end the day and enter her room she stumbled on her feet.

"Catch me Hotch." She squealed helplessly.

Emily twitched. "I'm not some frail damsel in distress. I'm trained in close combat and weapon handling and yet she dare portray me like this. God!"

"So more OOC." Garcia said. "Why don't the authors here warn people about these things their stories contain?"

"Some of them do actually," Kevin replied. "It's just some don't because of fear that no one would read it."

Morgan chuckled. "Do any of them put a warning saying they know their story is gonna suck?"

"Actually... yeah."

Morgan's jaw dropped. "No way!"

Hotch caught her and stared at her lovingly. In seconds he had her on the wall with his tongue down her throat.

JJ gagged. "Gross."

"Jesus Hotch, buy a lady dinner first." Emily joked.

"You know... it doesn't always work like that," Hotch replied with a small chuckle. He recalled he'd gotten the first kiss from Beth before their dinner had even begun.

Emily fumbled for her doors before finally managing to get it open. They stumbled inside with their lips never losing their hold.

"Oh Hotch," she cooed. "Ravish me and take me!"

Seaver snickered. "Is this supposed to be sexy? I've seen more intimacy in a Disney movie."

Kevin laughed. "Hah, nice one."

Hotch didn't need to be told twice. He pinned her in the bed and began sucking her lips dry.

"Whoa cut," Will cut in. "The heck is the rating on this thing? I don't want my boy hearing this."

Emily scrolled to the top for a quick moment and scoffed. "Says here this is rated K."

"Kevin, do any one of these authors take three minutes off their lives to actually read the rules?" JJ asked.

"Uh no, no they don't."

Soon morning came.

"Thank goodness they cut that part out." JJ said.

Emily woke up with a bad headache. She paled when she noticed her nude body. Next to her a body moved and pulled out of the covers.

"Oh God, Hotch!"

Hotch groaned at the loudness. "I have a huge headache so can we not yell?"

"What did we do?" Emily cried. "We're as wild as when Rossi and JJ get together."

"Oh come on!" Will snapped. "Can there be one story that follows the facts?"

"Me and JJ?" Rossi said. "That is just absurd."

"For God sakes," JJ groaned. "There is no me and Rossi. Now I'm afraid to think of what other person they have paired me up with."

"Be glad you aren't in a slash pairing." Morgan exclaimed with a frown. "I'd do anything to be in your spot."

"Me too." Reid agreed.

"I still think those two are worse. Look we were drunk and it was a mistake. Let's get dressed and forget it ever happened."

"I seldom drink," Hotch pointed out. "And when I do I am responsible. I have a son after all or do these authors forget that important detail?"

"These people tend to forget a lot of things." Seaver said dryly.

The next day Hotch had been feeling horrible at work. He hoped Beth never found out.

Hotch released an annoyed sigh. "And clearly I should have known better. Why can't they just leave Beth out of this?"

"Hotch wouldn't cheat on Beth," Morgan pointed out. "He's a dedicated guy and someone I respect."

"We feel the same way." Rossi added. "But it's too bad the authors have another point of view."

Emily knocked on his office and entered, a horrified look on her expression.

"What is it?" He asked.

"I'm pregnant."

"What?" Rossi said in disbelief. "I believe it has been only one day since your little escapade."

"Hmm... the female body usually begins to show signs of pregnancy 10-14 days after fertilization." Reid stated.

"Kevin," JJ groaned as she placed a hand to her head to halt the impending headache. "Is there any author in this fandom who's over the age of twelve?"

"Yeah, I'm telling you that some actually know how to write a story." Kevin said. "And the funny thing is that you have to be at least thirteen to be eligible to post stories up."

"And I can definitely see why they made that a rule." Blake stated. "I just wish people would follow these rules."

"Pregnant?" Hotch gaped at her. "How did this happen?"

"Hmm," Will feigned a pensive look. "I don't know maybe the intercourse played a role in it."

"Well my character sure is a moron." Hotch exclaimed.

Emily slammed her head on the keyboard which caused a beeping noise. "It's called a condom people! Use it, they're very helpful."

"I don't have a clue." She replied.

"And no shocker that my character is just as stupid as yours is Hotch."

"What are we supposed to do now?" Hotch muttered before facing her.

"There's no way I'm taking responsibility for this thing." Emily hissed.

"This story makes it seem like we're arguing on who's getting stuck with the family dog," Emily commented with a frown. "It's a soon to be person we're discussing; can our characters be a bit more concerned?"

"We'll figure it out."

"Somehow I doubt that." Blake said earning some laughs.

An - So what do you think? Awesome right, I know I'm a genius. I'll post chapter two around next week. Review!

"Man that sucked." Emily said as she tore her face away from the screen.

"Isn't that quite an understatement," JJ agreed.

"Totally, if I hear any more of that story I'll barf." Kevin added.

"Guess it's time to draw straws again." Reid exclaimed.

The room sighed and prepared themselves for the possibility of reading.


Author's Notes

Lol I didn't read the Fanfiction dot net rules I just know them. I'm not a fan of Hotly or Rossi/JJ but some of my reviewers sure are, so this was a treat to them and those that requested these pairings. Oh and JJ, don't start wondering about your other pairings.

Till next time!