Dang it, I can't say how terribly sorry I am for the long wait. I've just been having ups and downs as of recently but I'm trying to get back on track with my stories. Sorry friends for I have failed you :(
Fanfiction Trauma
Thanks janereid for being my 800th reviewer.
Chapter 27: A Pimp Named Hotchner
Morgan laughed and nudged Reid. "I knew you'd say that."
"I don't think I'll ever read anything after this entire experience is over with." Reid replied.
"Tell me about it," Seaver agreed. "My character was so annoying and to top it of she was an idiot Mary Sue too."
"And I thought I had it bad when I was friends with a Mary Sue in one story." JJ added.
"Twilight is a good series; fanfiction just ruined it and made it horrible." Garcia said.
Kevin scoffed. "You mean fanfiction made it even lamer than it already was."
"Am I gonna have to bunk you upside the head?"
Hotch chuckled. "Alright enough, time to pick out another one."
"Unfortunately..." Emily muttered to herself.
"I think we should all get ourselves checked out once this ordeal is over with," Rossi suggested as Henry shuffled the straws. "You know, just to make sure we're all okay," he paused to tap his head. "Up here."
"Too late, I already feel some of my brain cells have left me." Will replied before picking out a straw and ruffling his son's hair.
"Dude that's nothing, I've lost so many brain cells that I'm now at a fifth grade reading level." Morgan joked.
"No Derek, that's nothing," Kevin joined. "I'm probably prone to brain damage by now with all this constant reading."
"Speaking of reading," Blake cut in. "I'm not reading."
"Neither am I." Hotch replied gratefully.
"Darn it," Garcia groaned as she dangled the straw with a frown. "I so hate this thing."
"Hate," Emily repeated. "I detest that thing. I never even knew I could despise an inanimate object this much, let alone a straw."
"Don't worry, I got your back Penelope." Kevin said with a thumbs up. "Although... I don't think you'll need it as much as I would or my bro Will."
"He's right, we get bashed constantly." Will stated. "It's like a song that never ends."
"At least you weren't in slash, man." Morgan replied. "I'll take bashing over that any day."
"And be glad you weren't used as a product of Mpreg." Reid added, cringing at the memory.
"Hmm... maybe you guys have it just a bit more worse than me. Just a bit."
"Found one." Garcia cut in.
In Love We Trust
"Awwwww!" The men groaned.
Garcia stuck her tongue out. "Suck it up you babies."
"None of us want to hear these sappy lovey dovey stories." Morgan stated with a frown.
"Especially Hotch," Rossi joked. "I bet a puppy dies every time he laughs or smiles."
Will laughed. "Yeah, he's all doom and gloom. I bet you have one mean poker face."
Hotch ignored them, wearing his indifferent expression he normally dons.
By 4SomeLove
Emily twitched. "Please tell me that they mean 'for some' and not that other meaning that shall not be spoken of."
"Dear Lord, I hope it's not the latter." JJ murmured. "We should seriously just skip this."
"Now, now, ladies let's just give it a chance." Morgan replied with a smug grin.
"I agree," Rossi added. "It may be worthwhile."
The women all shook their head.
Summary: A story about love that comes in more than one form. If ya get my drift *wink wink*
Seaver frowned slightly. "More than one form?"
Moving on,—
"Thank God." JJ muttered. "I don't need to know what they meant."
it's time to continue the summary. This is what a certain agent does in his free time. Who's the agent you ask? None other than Hotchner.
"Remind me why what I do during my free time, as scarce as it may be, is anyone's business." Hotch said with a scowl.
"It isn't," Seaver answered. "But these authors don't seem to care at all about our privacy or anything else about us."
"Damn it," Morgan groaned. "So Hotch is the star of this potential '4Some', lucky." He added with air quotes.
JJ cuffed him upside the head. "Idiot."
Hotch awakened from his bed and stretched out in his king-sized bed. It had been a very lo-o-o-o-ong night.
"I don't get it." Reid stated. "Why stretch the word out? A simple 'long' would give the reader the sufficient amount of detail to get the gist of what the author is trying to say."
"Don't break your neck trying to solve it." Rossi replied. "I fear even you may never understand this horrible thing called Fanfiction dot net."
"And if he can't you know we won't." Kevin joked.
A figure beside him moved and the covers fell off to reveal a woman.
"Hey Aaron."
"Morning Ashley."
"What?!" Seaver shouted in embarrassment.
Hotch placed a hand over his face. "This just gets more and more ridiculous."
"Can someone say crack pairing?" Blake said.
"Crack pairing." Reid replied having no clue it was a rhetorical question.
"As if being paired up with Reid wasn't bad enough." Seaver exclaimed angrily.
"Huh? You mean being paired up with me is such a bad thing?" The genius asked in confusion.
"No no it's not like that. Any girl would be lucky to be paired with you or Hotch; I'm just sick of being paired up with my friends." She explained.
"Oh," Reid nodded before smiling. "Thanks."
"Likewise." Hotch added.
Suddenly another figure moved.
"Holy hell it is a foursome." Morgan said before eying the remaining women. "So which one of you is lady number two."
The women began mentally praying.
"God that was a good time." Emily said.
"Excuse me?!"
"This is completely OOC." Will exclaimed. "I mean this story gives an entire new meaning to the phrase."
"No kidding," Garcia agreed. "This is just so dumb."
She then nudged the figure next to her. "Hey wake up."
JJ—
"Like hell!" Will barked. "As if I'd let anyone near JJ."
"Why don't these fanfiction authors realize I'm in love with Will?" JJ said with a frown. "It's really annoying."
yawned before smirking. "Wow Aaron, I never knew how big you were."
"That does it!" Will snapped before charging at the laptop with kill intent.
Luckily Morgan held him in place, but that didn't stop the verbal abuse from spewing from him.
"Let me at em' Derek. Nobody makes an OOC outta my wife!"
"I know," He winked hawtly. "You had me in a daze with your hawt legs."
"What kind of cheap attempt at smut is this?" Garcia wondered aloud.
"If that's what you want to call it." Blake replied.
JJ had never been so turned on by man in her entire life. Good thing she'd dump that sad excuse for a male Will.
"Nobody insults me like that either!" Will shouted while still trying to pry out of Morgan's grip.
"We've been over this already buddy; killing the laptop won't work, despite how tempting it may be."
Finally the last figure shifted from the covers and woke up. "That was the best night I've ever had in my entire life."
Hotch smirked. "What did you expect Beth—
"Really?" Hotch couldn't help but speak. "Out of all the stories we've read this, is the one that comes as close to the truth revolving my personal relationship?"
"How come Hotch gets depicted as the ladies man and I always get the slash reception?" Morgan complained with crossed arms.
Will had calmed down at this point and was sitting next to JJ; a hand around her shoulder protectively; and donned a pair of animal eyes that gave the vibe that he'd pounce on anyone whom dared come close, all the while he whispered in her ear: "My preeeccious."
It was safe to say JJ was beginning to worry about his mental stability.
"Maybe the fangirls prefer shipping you in slash stories over him." Kevin replied to Morgan's earlier comment.
"If that's supposed to cheer me up then you suck at it."
"I'd rather they didn't ship him because most of the time I end up getting involved." Reid added with a grimace.
after all I'm sexy and I know it."
The entire room burst onto laughter except Hotch, whom resisted the urge to slam his head repeatedly on the wall till he successfully made himself pass out, and Will whom was still whispering the same thing to JJ.
"This was the best idea I've ever thought of." Beth said. [AN: Yeah, she's honestly really stupid. Don't lie people you know we only like her cuz of her huge rack B-)]
Hotch clenched his fists.
Garcia frowned. "How old is this kid? What kind of a stupid comment is that?"
"I agree." Ashley added. "I had such a wonderful night."
Hotch rose from the bed and stood at the front of the bed. He flexed so his chicks could get a look at his hawt naked body.
"Hmm... I'm getting mixed vibes on what gender this person is." Blake said.
"Can you imagine if this were an unsub?" Rossi replied. "We'd be here trying to solve it till we croak."
"I'm going to get dressed now."
"Noooo!" They cried.
Emily sighed in exasperation. "God, we sound like those deluded women you see fawning over celebrities."
"That's putting it mildly." JJ added trying to break free from Will's iron grip.
"I have to go to work. I'll be back and then we can do this again."
"Do you have to?" They asked.
"Why are we all speaking in unison?" Seaver questioned with a raised brow. "Did the author even stop to look and see what they wrote?"
"Yeah I noticed that and it's kind of creepy." Kevin replied.
"And don't majority of the people on that bed work in the BAU?" Morgan added. "Cause last I check half of them do."
"Yeah so you'd think that all of them would be getting ready." Blake said. "Not to mention the rest would be getting ready for their own work occupation."
"Something tells me there was no rereading this story." Rossi stated. "Or any of the other ones we've read."
Hotch sent them an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry but it can't be helped."
At that line the Unit Chief almost smiled. At the very least his character was punctual when it came to the job.
Unfortunately they still looked depressed.
He smiled smugly. "But I can be late."
Hotch found himself actually facepalming.
Just like that he stripped out of all his layers of clothes [AN: Yes, strip] and jumped back onto the bed. The job could wait an hour or two.
"How very nice of you." Emily muttered sarcastically. "No really, it isn't like there aren't any psychos that need stopping."
[AN: And there you have it. This was my fifth smut story and it came out excellent. Now go take your cold shower now]
"The only thing I want to do now is blow my brains out." Rossi commented dryly.
"That makes two of us." Garcia said as she gratefully hopped off the hated chair.
"Actually that makes all of us." Blake replied.
JJ narrowed her eyes when her husband showed no signs of releasing her. "Would you let go already? In case you didn't notice the story finished."
"Thank the Lord." Hotch muttered to himself.
Will stared at JJ for a long while before moving his hand off her shoulder and instead took a hold of her wrist. He still wore the crazy animal eyes. "My precious."
"Uh, I think Willy has officially lost it." Garcia pointed out.
JJ facepalmed with her free hand. "I was afraid this would happen."
Kevin eyed the transformed detective. "That is just awesome."
"Can you blame the poor guy for going nuts?" Morgan said as he patted Will's back sympathetically.
Author's Notes
Don't worry he'll live. Unless you guys want poor Will to remain all Gollum-like. Anyways till next time.
No animals we're harmed in the making of this fanfiction... only the Criminal Minds cast.
