Back for another one. It's always fun to write these whenever I can though, I'm not sure when I'll be able to update. Much appreciated for the support guys. I couldn't have gotten this far without you :') Anyways, thanks adele-dazeem for this bashing idea. I realized bashing stories are quite popular and since I've let Seaver dodged one too many bullets I chose her as the main character.

Fanfiction Trauma


Chapter 31: Ways to Kill Seaver

Blake crossed her arms, a pensive expression adorned on her face. "How exactly do we decide who reads? Jack and Henry are fast asleep. I'd take the straws but for the life of me I don't have a clue where the boys put them."

"How's about we vote?" Rossi suggested with a smirk directed at Morgan.

"Hell no! No way!" Morgan was quick to shoot down the idea. "I remember the last time that happened."

"Any ideas Kevin?" Seaver asked. "You're the one who's been figuring it out all this time?"

"Hmm," Kevin paused momentarily and placed a hand to his chin "Give me a second to think."

"That plot with you guys as kids was so awful not to mention completely random." Will said as Kevin worked on an idea. "It makes me miss my blackout."

"Speaking of that, don't forget you'll be getting special therapy to get this out of you." Hotch replied. "Reid will join you. Both of you have been affected a lot greater by Fanfiction dot net then the rest of us. Therefore you'll require the proper counseling."

Both men grumbled in response like children normally do but said nothing.

"Stop pouting Will it's for your own good." JJ scolded him upon seeing his expression. "I don't want to see another Gollum takeover again."

"Considering the fact that I was taken away from these stories I don't think it was too bad going all Gollum."

She glared at him. "I'm serious."

"Fine, fine, I'll do the stupid therapy sessions." Will resigned his arguments knowing it was useless.

"Hopefully the rest of us don't have any sort of episode like that." Rossi added. "I'd hate to see our movie impressions."

"I'm a pretty good Clint Eastwood, just saying." Reid chimed in.

"I got it!" Kevin suddenly spoke, getting their attention. He grabbed one of the empty soda liters from their pizza party earlier. "Gather around guys because we're going to be spinning the bottle!"

The group gulped and sat in a circle.

"Since I read I think it's only fair that I spin it first." Kevin said. "Then afterwards whoever reads will be the one spinning it, and so on and so forth. But, if it lands on the reader then the bottle will be spun again. We can't put someone through the torture of having to read twice."

"Sounds like a plan." Emily replied. "Now let's get this over with."

With that Kevin extended his hand out and gave the bottle a spin. The team tensed and silently begged that the bottle missed them. The seconds dragged on and felt like years as it spun. It began losing its momentum before coming to a complete halt.

"No! Why?!" Morgan complained as the accursed bottle pointed towards him.

Seaver blew a sigh of relief. "Thank God."

JJ smirked. "You know the drill. The chair awaits."

The man dragged his feet towards the chair, cursing and moaning through it all about it being rigged.

"I'm still skeptical on finding the 'one'." Rossi stated as Morgan began his search. "We've made little to no progress."

"If any progress was made than pigs fly." JJ replied with a frown. "We haven't made a crap of progress Rossi."

"All we've gotten for this is Reid contracting Fanfiction-itis and Will turning into Gollum." Blake added.

"You think these things are contagious?" Kevin asked.

"Hope not." Emily answered with a shrug.

"Found one!" Morgan called, signaling for his team to approach him.

Weakest Link

By CMSeasons1234578

"They skipped 6." Reid pointed out. "I'm assuming there was something wrong with season 6."

"But what?" Garcia asked.

Morgan wheeled around, blank expression, and said in a bored tone: "Don't care."

Summary: So I absolutely hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, hate

"Unnecessary repetition, joy." Will groaned.

HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE season 6 of Criminal Minds. I can't stand it! Why JJ?

All eyes fell on JJ.

"JJ what happened to you in season 6?" Rossi said.

"How the hell am I supposed to know?"

Her replacement was horrible. I barely watched it. Now I'll vent out my frustration through FF.

"I wasn't repla..." JJ trailed off as it sunk in. "Unless they're referring to the time when Ashley replaced me."

Seaver frowned. "So I'll be included? And it sounds like the author isn't exactly a fan of me. Although, it isn't like I care."

The team was all huddled in the bullpen when Garcia had called them up for a mission.

Emily was the first to rise. "That's our cue." She gave Derek a thumbs up to signal him.

Derek smirked mischievously knowing full well what she meant. He waited for the perfect moment before sticking his leg out. It made successful contact with Ashley's leg causing her to trip face flat onto the floor.

"What?" Morgan growled in his spot. "Did I just read that right?"

"Apparently you did," Reid assured him as he read over his shoulder with a slight frown.

Seaver only sighed at what was soon to come.

Emily high fived him as they walked towards the conference room with triumphant smiles. As the horrible agent that she was Ashley, of course, didn't notice. She figured it was the wind.

At this Seaver couldn't prevent the vein from popping onto her forehead. "The wind? Really? Okay I get you don't like me but if you're planning to write a character bashing then, at least make it so the reader doesn't contract brain damage in the process."

Rossi shook his head. "This story just oozes stupidity."

Emily laughed. "You said it."

Garcia pouted at the sight of the blonde approaching. It pissed her off how that nobody thought she could replace JJ. How dare she! Everyone knew she was trying to be JJ by having blond hair.

Garcia scoffed. "I have blond hair, am I trying to be JJ?"

"My neighbor in London has blond hair," Emily added sarcastically. "Is she trying to be JJ?"

"My barber has blond hair, is he trying to be JJ?" Will exclaimed, fuming inwardly at the character bashing.

Hotch grumbled as he noticed Ashley entering the conference room. He regretted drinking the night he hired her. Clearly he'd have never done so had he been sober. She was so lame and incompetent.

Hotch pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. Feeling the need to clarify things he spoke. "I do not think that. I saw the necessary traits in you when I hired you Ashley. I do not regret my decision nor will I ever."

Seaver smiled in flattery. "Thanks Hotch. That means a lot. It's okay though. I know it's just a story."

"We're heading to Georgia." He said having finished briefing the team.

Garcia gave them a rundown on all the victims and causes of death before they all boarded the jet.

Unfortunately for Spencer—

"Aaah!"

he was sitting next to Ashley for the entire plane ride. It made him feel nauseous having to sit with someone who was so obsessed with him.

"What?" Reid snapped. "She wasn't obsessed with me and since when did sitting next to her make me feel nauseous?"

"Do these guys even try?" Garcia wondered aloud.

"And here I thought me and Will got bashed badly." Kevin groaned. "This is just too much."

Upon landing they greeted the commanding detective and settled into the conference room left vacated for them. It took almost until nightfall the next day to get enough information to identify the unsub.

"So we can't seem to find this Mark Phillips guy anywhere." Derek said. "And when we did Ashley missed every shot."

"It's not my fault I suck!" She argued.

"Let's blame her parents for making her." Emily said.

Morgan slammed his head on the desk. "Is this author serious?! These character bashing stories are by far the stupidest things I've seen!"

"No kidding," Will agreed. "It's pointless. Not to mention irritating."

"Plus OOC," Emily said. "Since when did I behave like some douche?"

"Guys I got something!" Rossi cut in. "We've got some activity in one of the old dump sites!"

The team quickly drove towards the dump site by the forest.

"Park ranger says he caught sight of the man who we fit the bill." Rossi said. "He was headed towards the cabin. This is certainly his end game."

Kevin cringed. "You know how most of these character bashing stories end, right? So if my hunch is correct then, well, I'm sure we all know where it'll lead to."

JJ sighed in exasperation. "She's getting shot isn't she?"

Will frowned and crossed his arms. "These things piss me off I can't even express it with words anymore."

Carefully they approached the cabin house and knocked.

"Mark Phillips, FBI! Come out with your hands up!" Derek barked.

"Get out of here!" Mark shouted. "If anyone comes in I'm blasting you with my gun!"

"Was that line necessary?" Blake asked randomly, having been fairly quiet.

"Which one?" Morgan replied, pausing to face her.

"The part when it says 'I'm blasting you with my gun'. I just thought the line would be good without the 'with my gun' part. It isn't like there's anything else in there besides a gun. Then again, these stories are so unpredictable that I wouldn't be surprised if there was a cannon in there as well."

Spencer's—

"Aaah!"

face little up with an idea and he pulled all the team besides Ashley.

"What's up kid?" Derek asked.

"I've got an idea. Let's throw in Ashley."

"Why would I even suggest that?" Reid shouted, losing his patience with this one. Out of all the stories in here he definitely hated character bashings the most.

Emily high fived him. "You boy genius!"

He nodded. "Thanks! This way we get rid of her and the Unsub, AND bring back JJ."

"That's like killing THREE birds with one stone." Derek joked making them laugh. (A-N: Funny ass joke Derek!)

"That's not even funny!" Morgan shouted, swinging his arms up dramatically.

Hotch didn't even hesitate to send Ashley in. "I want you to go inside and talk with him Seaver."

"But he said he'll open fire."

"That reminds me, give me your gun."

"Absolutely ridiculous." Hotch growled.

"How will I defend myself?"

"Just go, it'll be fine." Derek said with a frown. He nudged her towards the door. "He won't fire at a girl. Unsubs never fire at girls."

Being the amateur that she was she believed him and headed for the entrance.

And that's when the killer opened fire on her with his huge turret gun.

"See what I mean by unpredictable?" Blake exclaimed.

The bullets easily tore through the cheap FBI vest given specifically to Ashley by Strauss. She also didn't like her. The barrage of bullets practically tore through her and ripped her to shreds.

"These guys have some major anger issues." Garcia said.

"Doesn't this stuff bother you Ashley?" Kevin asked, turning towards Seaver who'd been surprisingly calm.

"Huh? Oh not at all." Seaver laughed it off. "It's just a story."

At that moment Will bolted from his spot -shoving lots of the group members in the process- and crouched down by Seaver. He took her hand in his and looked her straight in the eyes. "Teach me."

"Erm...?"

JJ cuffed her husband upside the head before dragging him back to his spot by his ear.

Once the team was 110% sure she was dead they barged in and shot Mark. They didn't kill him considering he'd just performed a miracle.

"Who's up for a celebration at the bars?" Derek said once they had left the police station.

"Hell yes!" Emily replied.

"I'll get JJ back on the team by tomorrow." Hotch added with a smile.

A-N: There you have it! Season 6 never happened. Don't thank me people.

"We won't." Reid spat. "Why would we? You just insulted our friend."

Morgan immediately pushed off the chair. "Piece of crap story. The nerve of this author to think this sort of garbage deserves to be publicized in any way."

"Well I'm not going to stand for that!" Will hissed while making his way towards the computer.

"What are you doing?" JJ said when she noticed him typing something on the keyboard.

He shot her a mischievous smirk. "I'm leaving this author a piece of my mind."

Kevin grinned and joined him. "Great idea bro! Let's flame the heck out of this guy!"

Seaver sighed. "Really guys, it's no big deal. There's no need to leave a review."

The words fell upon death ears as Will typed at the speed of light. His voice could be heard as he vented his mind out. "And that's why you should never write another piece again. Signed by William LaMontagne Jr. Oh and P.S. seek help with your anger issues."

"For God's sake Will." JJ grumbled.

"And bam!" Will said once he'd clicked the 'Post Review' button. "Let's give them a taste of their own medicine." He then settled his gaze back to the group. Clasping his hands together and smiling he asked: "So, who's reading now?"


Author's Notes

I've got a confession to make guys. I haven't watched the entire Criminal Minds season 10 episodes yet. I'm only up to episode 6 so no spoilers. I recently finished season 9 and I was left quite devastated. WHY BLAKE? WHY? T_T

Am I a fan of Kate you ask? No. No I am not.

P.S. If I don't update anytime soon just want to say Happy Holidays to all you guys who have read, reviewed, added to alerts/faves, and supported this story. Thanks from the bottom of my heart 333