Chapter 9

AN: I am incredibly proud of this chapter, and feel that it is incredibly important so I hope you like it.

WARNING; MENTIONS OF LEWIS, PTSD, ACCDIENTAL SELF HARM, AND MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES IN THIS CHAPTER. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF WHEN READING THIS CHAPTER!

ALSO, I am very in front of chapters, but I start a job on Monday (finally! After six months of searching post finishing law school and it's a hybrid law/admin job), so that could affect how quickly I can update chapters. I'll keep you update. Also, this is tagged slow burn for a reason.


August 9th 2020

A little over a month has passed since Olivia had to help Alex home and in that time, Alex is starting to become better at recognizing her own limits.

It's a Sunday afternoon and for the last ten days Alex and Olivia have been planning for the two of them, and Noah to spend an afternoon and evening together, but they first had to make sure it was safe for them to do so.

"Mom, when will Alex be here?" Noah asks curious as he is playing on his iPad while Olivia is getting some lunch ready.

"Soon," Olivia answers. "And Buddy you remember what we talked about when we were looking at the photos?" Olivia asks as she has been trying to figure out how she would talk to her son about this for days.

"You mean how you love Alex?" Noah asks, as that's what he assumes.

"Yeah, that," Olivia says, being both glad, amazed, and shocked that Noah can talk about it so casually, because she certainly is able to. "Um, I haven't told Alex that,"

"You should," Noah says to Olivia's amusement.

"It's not that simple," Olivia admits. "But it's really important that when Alex does find out how I feel she hears it from me, no one else," Olivia explains. "Do you understand?" Olivia asks.

"Yeah, I won't tell her," Noah admits.

"Thank you," Olivia says to her son, feeling relieved, and the two of them drift into silence.

For a few minutes Olivia and Noah sit on comfortable silence until the silence is broken by a knock on the door.

"That would be Alex," Olivia says, Noah looks excited, and the two of them head to the door. Even though Olivia is expecting Alex she still checks through the peep hole to make sure it is her. Once Olivia is sure that it is Alex, she opens the door and lets Alex who is actually wearing jeans and a blouse, into the apartment.

"Hey Alex," Olivia greats.

"Hey Olivia," Alex says, and she squats down as she wants to be more of Noah's height. "And Hi Noah, it's really nice to finally meet you in person," Alex says, smiling at him.

"Hi Alex," Noah says. "I'm happy to see you too," Noah responds.

"Lunch is almost ready, if you're hungry," Olivia says to Alex, as she stands up.

"Starved," Alex admits, as the three of them head over to the kitchen. "Are you excited for school to start again?" Alex asks Noah.

"Yeah! I love school!" Noah says, sounding excited. "I hope it's not all online," Noah admits, as he misses his friends and doesn't really like only doing school on the computer.

"What's your favorite subject?" Alex asks, and Noah starts to happily talk about school. As she listens to Alex and Noah talk Olivia can't help but smile, feeling glad that Alex and Noah are getting along so well.


For the next few hours Alex, Olivia and Noah have an enjoyable late lunch, dinner, and even desert together, all three of them having an incredible time together.

"Sweet dreams, Noah. I love you," Olivia says, closing the door to Noah's room as he has just been put to bed.

"Love you Mom," Noah's voice says.

"You've got a pretty incredible kid there, Olivia," Alex says, from where she is standing.

"I think so," Olivia admits.

"I guess I should… go," Alex says, even though she would much rather stay.

"Or you could stay for a glass of wine," Olivia suggests, as she really doesn't want Alex to leave, she wants them to finally talk about a few things they need to talk about.

"I'd like that," Alex says, and she walks over to the couch as Olivia goes to collect the wine. "Today's been really nice," Alex admits.

"Yeah, it has," Olivia says as she walks back over to Alex and sits down next to her. "I've missed this, us, spending time outside of work," Olivia explains as when Alex was first at SVU they would spend time together all the time, and when Alex was back at SVU after Elliot left they started to spend time together again.

"Me too," Alex admits, as Olivia hands her a glass of wine which she takes and has a drink off. "I've always treasured those memories," Alex explains.

"Me too," Olivia confirms and the two of them drift into silence as they sit together.

For a few minutes Alex and Olivia sit in comfortable silence drinking their wine, while both of them know things they should talk about neither are sure exactly how to bring it up. Finally, Olivia decides on a way.

"Alex why didn't you tell me when you got out of WITSEC?" Olivia asks, doing so in a gentle tone, as she knows that this is going to be a difficult conversation.

"Liv, when I got out of WITSEC I was so far from okay," Alex tells Olivia. "I wasn't in any state to talk to anyone who knew me before," Alex admits. "I was back almost four months before Rafi even found out, and he ended up sitting outside my apartment until I let him in," Alex admits, and Olivia can see him doing that.

"If you told me that I would have understood; I just missed you Ally," Olivia tells her.

"I know, I didn't know how to," Alex admits. "After Connor's trial Antonio and I were warned that we were in even more danger," Alex explains, revealing what Olivia didn't know. "We were moved to Seattle, but we were only there two months before the Marshals show up," Alex reveals. "In less than an hour they had us packed up we were on the road," Alex explains, before taking a drink, and Olivia doesn't say anything as she wants to listen to Alex's story. "We were taken to the middle of nowhere in Colorado to a house that was full stocked and told to avoid leaving the house," Alex explains. "We were there for three weeks, I barely slept was terrified by every sound," Alex explains.

"That's why Antonio is struggling with Lockdown; he remembers that," Olivia realizes, also understanding why Alex wanted to get back to work as soon as possible when she started to recover.

"Yeah," Alex says, with a nod.

"How many identities did you have after that?" Olivia asks.

"Four," Alex answers. "I had two before the trial," Alex explains. "It was only three years, but I had to remember so many identities, be so many people, that I didn't know who Alex Cabot was anymore," Alex admits. "You saw what I was like during my first case back at SVU, I wasn't me; I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't act like I did before; and that was after over year of therapy," Alex explains.

"You were in therapy?" Olivia asks, as she knows that Alex had anxiety and insomnia before the shooting, but she also knows she was resistant to therapy, and she notices that Alex takes a drink and clearly avoiding looking at her. "Alex?" Olivia asks, gently reaching out and putting her hand on Alex's leg, as she can see that there is something Alex is hesitant to tell her. "Whatever it is you can tell me,"

"About six months or so after I got back, I was working cases for whatever divisions needed an extra ADA, nothing high profile, no connections, I didn't work with the same detectives more than once, it was what I needed," Alex admits, as she pours more wine into both hers and Olivia's glasses. "One night I thought Antonio was staying with his aunts and I hadn't really been sleeping," Alex says, and Olivia isn't sure she likes where this is going. "I was in the kitchen, and I heard a noise, I panicked, I grabbed a knife," Alex says, looking distressed, but she also knows that it's time she talks about this. "It was Antonio, he walked into the kitchen and found me shaking, my eyes wide open, holding my breath, looking terrified, and a knife sticking out of my hand," Alex explains.

"You grabbed the knife the wrong way," Olivia realizes, finding; Alex's description of herself familiar.

"And didn't even realize," Alex admits. "Tonio called Rafi, I went to hospital got my hand fixed, spent some time sedated," Alex explains, showing Olivia her hand, and Olivia reaches out and has a look, as she does, she sees the scar that she never noticed.

"Why didn't I hear about that?" Olivia asks, knowing that she would have gone to Alex if she knew, and Alex just gives her a look which says, 'are you really asking this? It should be obvious?'. "Right, you and Barba made sure no one found out," Olivia says, realizing that that makes sense.

"I took some time off, did the work I needed to do to do my job, to be the mom Antonio needed, but I couldn't reach out," Alex explains. "I couldn't even go near the block the precinct was on," Alex admits.

"We all would have understood, been there for you, me especially," Olivia assures Alex.

"I know," Alex admits, as she never doubted that. "When I was at SVU I was the Ice Princess, Teflon, I didn't know how to let you, or anyone, who knew me before see how far from that I was," Alex explains.

"Except Barba, right?" Olivia asks, before she can prevent herself as she thought that Alex knew that she never thought of Alex as just the Ice Princess.

"Liv, Rafi saw me at my worse," Alex admits. "He held me up at my father's funeral, supported me when my mother told me she didn't want to see me again because I told her I was a lesbian, and every day for the two years that followed where she didn't talk to me," Alex explains, knowing that even after her mother started talking to her again their relationship was never the same. "When I didn't like who I was, he was there, he saw me when I didn't want anyone to," Alex explains, as Barba is her best friend, her brother, and has been there for her since they met, just like she has been there for him.

"So, what you thought I would judge you? I would never!" Olivia exclaims, raising her voice slightly, but also making sure that she does not speak so loudly that she wakes Noah.

"Liv, I know, it wasn't about you, it was about me," Alex admits, and she sighs. "I was ashamed. I was ashamed that I wasn't stronger, that I let it affect me soo much, that I wasn't who I used to be," Alex admits.

"Alex, you had no reason to be, you survived," Olivia explains. "There is no way that what you went through wouldn't have affected you," Olivia tells her, knowing that all too well. "If you had reached out, I would have been happy, I would have helped, helped you with whatever you needed, I just wanted to see you again because I missed you… so much," Olivia admits.

"I missed you too," Alex admits, and they both take a drink.

"You know I was really hard on Casey at first because she wasn't you," Olivia reveals, as she tops up both their glasses.

"Really?" Alex asks and Olivia nods.

"It wasn't exactly fair of me," Olivia admits.

"After the Darius Parker trial Branch asked me to be SVU's ADA again," Alex explains. "But I wasn't ready, I had only just came back to work after my hand," Alex reveals.

"You could have come back before you did," Olivia says, sounding surprised, but not angry as she understands Alex's reasons.

"Jack also asked, more than once, when he became DA; but I just kept saying no, I wasn't sure I was ready," Alex admits.

"What made you finally say yes?" Olivia asks curious.

"I was eating breakfast with Antonio when Jack called about Greylek," Alex explains. "He realized what we were talking about and told me that I should say yes that he knew how much I missed you all; he thought it was a good idea," Alex admits.

"Smart kid," Olivia comments.

"Yeah," Alex confirms, with a slight laugh. "I don't know if would have gotten through those years without him, being his mom saved me," Alex admits. Honestly, that is part of the reason she couldn't tell Olivia about becoming Antonio's mother, she wasn't sure how to tell her without revealing everything she had gone through; which she wasn't ready to do.

"I know the feeling," Olivia says as she feels the same about Noah.

"I'm glad I listed to Tonio, for a lot of reasons, including that being back at SVU, being around all of you again, helped me feel like myself again," Alex admits.

"And you still left to go to the Congo," Olivia says.

"When Nadia told me her story, when I realized how powerless all those people are, I knew I had to do something," Alex admits. "I know it's not the same, but It reminded me of how I felt in WITSEC, and for so long after," Alex explains. "I needed to go," Alex admits.

"Just like you need to help people the way you help them now," Olivia realizes.

"I spent three years feeling powerless, another nine trying to help people who felt the same, I hit my limit. I needed to do more," Alex explains.

"I know," Olivia says, as she understands. "I know what the feeling of powerlessness can do to you," Olivia says, and Alex who realizes what Olivia is talking about just nods, as she doesn't want to push Olivia. "Alex how much did Barba tell you about things that happened when we were working together?" Olivia asks, as she wants to know just how much Alex knows, and feeling concerned about what she is going to say.

"You want to know what he told me about William Lewis," Alex realizes, realizing that they are moving past her trauma and onto Olivia's.

"Yeah," Olivia says, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Nothing," Alex answers.

"Nothing?" Olivia asks, not sure she believes that.

"I wanted to know, and I asked him, a lot. I wanted to know how you were doing, what happened, what the truth was," Alex admits, which tells Olivia that Alex looked into what happened. "But Rafi wouldn't tell me he just kept saying that I should ask you myself," Alex explains, remembering that she got pretty annoyed at Barba for saying that, but she also understood.

"So why didn't you?" Olivia asks.

"I picked up the phone a few times, thought about coming to the precinct or getting your Address from Rafi, but I stopped myself every time," Alex admits.

"Why?" Olivia asks, as with everything going on at that time she would have meant a lot to her to see Alex.

"I had been gone over a year, with what you were going though, what you had been through, I didn't think it was fair to just show back up in your life again," Alex admits. "I wasn't sure you'd want me to," Alex explains, avoiding looking at Olivia as she speaks.

"For the record, Counsellor, I always want you in my life," Olivia tells her.

"I want that too," Alex admits, looking at Olivia. "I heard about Noah, and you becoming Sergeant, and Lieutenant, and Captain, and I was so proud; I just wasn't sure how to reach out," Alex admits.

"I would have been happy with anyway," Olivia admits. "Over those six years I thought about you so many times," Olivia admits. "I almost asked Barba where you were and how you were doing so many times," Olivia admits, and Alex isn't sure what to say to that, so they both take a drink. "You said WITSEC made you feel like you weren't yourself anymore; that's how William Lewis made me feel," Olivia admits, and as she just wants to offer support Alex reaches out with her scared hand and take's Olivia's. "He made me feel powerless, like a monster, like everything I had ever feared about myself was true," Olivia admits. "He made me feel the pure and utter terror I had never felt before," Olivia admits. "He held me for four days but what he did and what he made me feel was with me a lot longer, still is," Olivia explains, and Alex squeezes her hand in support. "So, I get Trauma Alex, I get not wanting people to see how far from okay you are," Olivia admits. "But I still wish I could have helped you," Olivia admits.

"And I wish I could have helped you," Alex says, and the two of the drift into silence as they sit together.

For a while Alex and Olivia sit together, not really talking, but just enjoying each other's presence, it feeling like they have finally talked about so much of what they needed to talk about. Eventually, the two of them finish the bottle of wine they were sharing.

"It's late," Alex says. "I should probably go," Alex realizes.

"It is late, and you've been drinking, and it's a pandemic, why don't you stay," Olivia suggests, as she knows she would feel better if she knew Alex was safe with her and not trying to make it back to her apartment.

"Sure, this couch looks comfortable enough," Alex admits.

"I didn't mean stay on the couch Alex," Olivia says, rolling her eyes. "It's not the first time we've shared a bed," Olivia says, as she was telling the truth when she said nothing has ever happened between her and Alex, but what she didn't mention, what no one other than the two of them and George know, though she assumes Barba might by now, is that they have shared bed more than few times.

"I don't know if I still kick in my sleep," Alex admits, as It has been a long time since she's shared a bed with someone. "But I do know I still sometimes have nightmares," Alex reveals.

"So do I, so we're both in good company," Olivia says, causing Alex to look amused, and they both get up and head into Olivia's room.

Once in Olivia's room Olivia goes straight to her dresser and looks for something specific, which she easily finds, an old NYPD shirt and pair of shorts.

"Here," Olivia says, offering Alex the close which she recognizes.

"Is this…" Alex starts to ask, sounding amazed.

"What you used to wear, yeah," Olivia confirms. "I couldn't bring myself to throw them away," Olivia admits, and not trusting her words Alex just nods and heads to the bathroom.

A few minutes later Olivia has gotten into he pajama's and checked on Noah, and Alex is walking back into Olivia's room having changed into the shirt and shorts.

"Still fits," Alex says and Olivia smiles.

"I plugged in my spare phone charger for you," Olivia tells Alex.

"Thanks," Alex says, and they both put their phones on charge, make sure they're on loud, and get into bed.

"Goodnight Ally," Olivia says as Alex takes off her glasses.

"Goodnight Liv,"


After a rare night of restful sleep Olivia wakes up, and when she looks over to see Alex sleeping next to her Olivia can't help but smile, feeling incredibly happy and knowing that this is something she wants to happen a lot more, but that is going to require her and Alex having another conversation.

For a few minutes Olivia watches Alex sleep until Alex's eyes flicker open.

"Hey, is it morning?" Alex asks, looking at Olivia.

"Yeah, but still early," Olivia answers, knowing that because Noah hasn't woken up yet.

"How long until Noah gets up?" Alex asks, and Olivia reaches over and checks her phone, and Alex reaches over, grabs her glasses, and puts them on.

"We've got a little bit of time," Olivia admits.

"Good," Alex says, sounding glad.

"Alex…" Olivia starts to say, but before she can say more Alex's phone rings.

"It's Liz," Alex reveals. "Hey Liz," Alex says. "What?" Alex says shocked. "Yeah, I'll meet you there," Alex says, before hanging up, and before Olivia can ask what's going on her phone rings.

"Benson," Olivia answers, and Fin explains what's going on. "Take Kat to the scene, I'll meet Rollins at the precinct. Thanks Fin," Olivia says, before hanging up. "So much for time," Olivia says. "Where do you have to meet Liz?" Olivia asks curious.

"Hospital, a client's ex has breached an order of protection… again," Alex says annoyed.

"I can come with you, see if there is anything I can do," Olivia offers, as both she and Alex stand up.

"Thanks, but If I show up with a Police Captain all the trust I've spent the last year building will be gone," Alex explains.

"I get it," Olivia admits, even though she wishes that wasn't the case. "Call later, and message if you need anything," Olivia says.

"Of course," Alex says, before heading out of the room; heading straight to the bathroom.


Not long after she left Olivia's Alex arrives at the hospital that Liz asked her to meet at where she finds Liz waiting outside.

"Hey, what do you know?" Alex asks Liz.

"You got here quick," Liz says, knowing that it should have taken Alex a lot longer to get to the hospital from her apartment, and noticing that Alex is wearing the clothes that she usually wears on the weekend but not much during the week. "Were you not at your apartment?" Liz asks, trying to figure out what is going on.

"Liz, what happened to Shakira?" Alex asks as now isn't the time to talk about where she was.

"I don't know for sure. I know she's been hurt, by Hector I think, the police found my card on her," Liz explains. "She's hurt, I don't know how bad," Liz explains.

"Let's find out," Alex says and she walks into the hospital with Liz by her side, as they walk Liz recognizes that Alex is doing her 'Alex Cabot Power Walk', a walk that is just as effective without the business suit.


Not long after Alex left her apartment Olivia arrives at the precinct where Rollins is. As soon as Rollins sees Olivia, she walks over to her.

"How was your weekend?" Rollins asks curious.

"Really good," Olivia admits. "I spent most of yesterday with Noah and Alex, it was really nice," Olivia admits, smiling slightly.

"Does that mean you and Alex finally talked about how you feel?" Amanda asks curious.

"No, but we talked about some other things we needed to talk about," Olivia admits. "What do we know about the case so far?" Olivia asks, and Amanda starts to explain.