Chapter 11
AN: Thank you for the support. Just because I don't know how my first day at work is going to go I'm not going to update tomorrow. My Tuesday update will give info about what my update schedule will look like.
10 November 2020
A little over two weeks have passed since Alex's shoulder was injured by a Client's EX, and it has fully healed so it is no longer causing her pain.
It's mid-morning on a Tuesday and while Antonio has law school classes Alex and Liz have gone out for coffee together.
"I still don't understand how you drink ice coffee in this kind of weather," Alex says to Liz as it has started to get cold.
"You say that all the time," Liz says amused. "And I like it, that's how," Liz explains, taking a drink.
"So, how are you feeling about tomorrow?" Alex asks, as she has gotten permission for Liz to take the lead in a hearing as it is a client Liz was working with when she was sick and so Liz has a better repour with her.
"Nervous, but excited," Liz admits. "I feel like I'm so prepared, but so unprepared at the same time," Liz admits.
"Liz, you've seen me do this kind of matter a lot, you know what to do," Alex reminds her. "I've seen your prep, and I have faith in you; you've got this," Alex assures her, as she has complete faith in Liz.
"Thanks Alex," Liz says gratefully. "You'll be there, right? If I need?" Liz asks.
"Of course, I'll be right by your side," Alex assures her. "But you won't need me, you'll be fine," Alex says.
"I hope so," Liz admits, as while it means everything to her to have Alex's faith, she is still extremely nervous, and the two of them continue to walk. As Alex and Liz walk, they hear the sound of gunshots, gunshots that aren't near, but are close enough for the sound to be pretty loud.
The second she hears the shots Alex feels utter terror rise up inside her and she drops to the ground, dropping her coffee as she does.
"ALEX!" Liz says concerned as she looks towards the ground where Alex is and she sees that Alex looks terrified, like she is holding her breath. Wanting to do something to help Liz crouches down in front of her, and removes Alex's mask to help her breath. "Alex, look at me, you're safe, you're okay," Liz tells her. "You're not shot this time," Liz says and she isn't overly sure that Alex hears her. "Here, take my hand," Liz says, reaching out. "You're okay. Everything's okay, you're safe Alex," Liz tells her, and very slowly she feels Alex reach out and take her hand. "Do you think you can stand up?" Liz asks, and Alex gives a slight nod.
Very slowly Alex stands up, but it is still clear that she is far from okay.
"Are you okay?" Liz asks concerned.
"No," Alex admits. "Let's go back to Vita Nova," Alex say, clearly not wanting to talk about it, before she starts to walk fast, heading back to the office, and Liz hurries to catch up with her, as even after the years they have been working together she isn't used to how fast Alex can walk at times.
As Alex walked so fast she and Liz get back to Vita Nova pretty quickly. Once they arrive at their office Alex goes straight to her office and sits down, but doesn't work, rather she just sits and stares out into space. For a few minutes Liz watches her but then she walks into the office.
"Alex, do you want to talk?" Liz asks.
"I can't," Alex answers.
"Look, I get it, in some ways you still see me as the seven-year-old kid you first met so you don't want me to see the dark, but I know dark, so you can talk to me," Liz assures her, then sighs. "But, If you really can't call someone you can actually talk to and I think we both know who that is," Liz says, before heading out of the office so she can give Alex some space.
After Liz leaves Alex spends a few minutes debating, thinking about what to do, even though it is incredibly hard for her to ask for help Alex reaches out and calls the only person she wants to talk to right now.
"Benson," Olivia answers
"Olivia," Alex says, barely above a whisper.
"Alex, what's wrong? What happened?" Olivia asks concerned.
"I…," Alex says, not being able to bring herself to explain.
"Alex, whatever it is, just tell me," Olivia says, feeling her concern grow.
"I had a panic attack," Alex reveals. "I was getting coffee with Liz, and…." Alex starts to say and Olivia hears her starting to hyperventilate.
"Ally, it's okay, just breathe," Olivia tells her.
"Do you have some time?" Alex asks, as she doesn't want to have this conversation over the phone.
"Are you at Vita Nova?" Olivia asks.
"Yes," Alex confirms.
"And Liz is still with you?" Olivia asks, as that will affect things.
"Yes,"
"Okay, I'll be there soon," Olivia says, knowing she has to have a quick conversation with Carisi then she will go straight there.
"Thank you," Alex says, gratefully.
"I'll see you soon, okay, I promise," Olivia assures her.
Due to her meeting lasting longer than she expected it takes Olivia longer than she was hoping to get to Vita Nova. From her desk Liz sees the elevator open and as soon as she sees that it is Olivia Liz gets up and hurries over to her.
"I'm really glad you're here," Liz says. "I have a class soon, but I didn't want to leave until you got here," Liz admits.
"What happened?" Olivia asks worried, Liz's behavior causing her to be even more concerned.
"We heard gunshots when we were walking. Alex dropped to the ground, looked terrified, I could barely get through to her," Liz admits. "I know she doesn't like hearing gunshots, but I have never seen a reaction like that before," Liz admits, revealing something else Olivia did not know. "We walked fast to get back here, and she's been in her office ever since, but I don't think she's been working," Liz explains, knowing that Alex hasn't updated anything in their file management system.
"Okay, I've got this, got her," Olivia assures her. "You should go to your class, Liz," Olivia tells her.
"Tell Alex I'll text her later," Liz request then she hesitates for a minute. "Look after her, Liv, please," Liz requests, as Alex has come to mean a lot to her, and she doesn't want her too not be okay.
"Of course," Olivia says, putting her hand on Liz's shoulder, before heading towards Alex's office.
When Olivia gets to Alex's office she knocks on the door as she doesn't want to scare Alex, she doesn't want to cause her to be even more surprised.
"Ally, it's me," Olivia says as she slowly opens the door, and she sees Alex sitting on the floor in the corner of her office, watching. As soon as she sees Alex Olivia feels her concern grow. "Hey, can I come closer?" Olivia asks, closing the door behind her, and Alex nods.
After Olivia sees Alex nods she walks over and sits down next to her, being careful to make sure she is close but not too close that she overwhelms Alex.
"If you want to talk, I'm here," Olivia says, knowing better than pushing her. "I'm not going anywhere," Olivia assures her.
For a few minutes Alex and Olivia sit together in silence. Olivia just sitting by her friend who she has been in love with for the better part of two decades.
"I don't like gunshots… the sound, I hear it and I'm back on that street," Alex admits. "I don't always hit the ground," Alex admits, looking at Olivia. "I actually haven't had a reaction like this in a while," Alex admits, knowing the reaction was so strong because she hasn't heard the sound in a while, with the pandemic there haven't been a whole lot of gunshots lately.
"It's okay," Olivia tells her. "You can't predict how you're gonna react to a trigger," Olivia reminds her.
"It's why I couldn't stay in the Congo," Alex reveals, as she would have liked to have stayed in the Congo longer, she would have liked to do more, but she just couldn't.
"Alex…" Olivia starts to say.
"I wanted to, but…" Alex says shaking her head. "Did I scare Liz?" Alex asks concerned.
"Liz is okay, but she is worried about you," Olivia tells her. "So, gunshots, any other triggers?" Olivia asks, wanting to know so that she can help her.
"No," Alex says, shaking her head as she has worked on a lot of her other triggers and issues but her aversion to hearing gunshots is something she can't shake.
"What do you remember about that night?" Olivia asks, doing so hesitantly as she isn't sure how Alex will react to the question, and while Alex testified what happened she has never been completely sure about what Alex remembers.
"I remember we were talking, I remember looking at you," Alex says, as even though Elliot was between them, she was looking behind him at Olivia as they were talking. "The SUV came around the corner, and I saw the gun, heard the shots," Alex says, looking afraid, even with how long it has been and so Olivia reaches over and takes her hand. "The pain…. I never felt anything like it, still haven't," Alex admits. "I remember you. You told me to look at you, and I really wanted to," Alex remembers. "You said to stay with you, and I tried, you told me I was gonna be just fine… I believed you, and I don't remember anything else," Alex explains.
"You were in bad shape, that's why I believed it when they said you died," Olivia admits. "Ally that trauma changed everything, you survived but it took away your life as you knew it," Olivia reminds her. "You get help eventually, but that was after you spent three years constantly being afraid, three years where you were eight different people, and two years of worrying about Antonio more than yourself. It's no surprised that the sounds of gunshots still cause this kind of reaction," Olivia tells her.
"It's been seventeen years," Alex reminds Olivia, not that she needs that reminder.
"Doesn't matter, there is no timeline on trauma, you know that," Olivia tells her. "Are you still in therapy?" Olivia asks, and Alex shakes her head. "Alex…" Olivia starts to say.
"I know," Alex answers. "I just don't know how to find someone, especially at the moment," Alex reveals.
"I know someone, he's good," Olivia reveals. "I can make a call," Olivia offers. "And drive if you need," Olivia offers.
"Okay, thank you," Alex says, and Olivia squeezes her hand.
"If you think you'll be okay I'll step outside and make the call," Olivia says, as she thinks it would be good for Alex to go see someone soon.
"Okay," Alex says, with a nod, and once she is sure that Alex is okay, at least for the moment, Olivia squeezes Alex's hand, stands up, and heads out into the main area of Vita Nova.
For few minutes Olivia is out in the main area of Vita Nova on the phone with Doctor Lindstrom while Alex is sitting on the floor in her office. Finally, after a little while Olivia walks back into Alex's office and squats down in front of Alex.
"I got you an appointment in an hour. His name is Peter Lindstrom. He's good, Ally," Olivia tells her. "He helped me, soo much, I know he can help you," Olivia admits.
"I trust you," Alex says. "If you trust him then that says a lot," Alex tells Olivia, and Olivia nods. "When should we leave?" Alex asks.
"Whenever you're ready," Olivia tells her and Alex nods.
For a few more minutes Alex and Olivia sit together, Alex getting collecting her courage as while therapy helped last time it's been a while, and she's scared.
"I'm ready," Alex says, and together both she and Olivia get up. Once she is standing Alex walks over to her phone and forwards the main line to Liz as she knows that Liz's class scheduled and knows when she will be free but keeps it so the emergency line and her main line will go to her. Once she has done what she needs to do with the phone Alex collects her bag and the two of them head out of the Vita Nova offices.
A little while after they left the Vita Nova offices Alex and Olivia are sitting at Doctor Lindstrom's office waiting for Alex's appointment. Finally, the door opens and both Alex and Olivia stand up.
"Olivia, it's good to see you," Doctor Lindstrom greats.
"It's good to see you too, Doctor," Olivia responds. "Doctor this is Alex Cabot," Olivia introduces.
"It's nice to meet you," Alex greats and Olivia realizes that Alex is already using the persona she uses when she doesn't want people to see the real her, her protection method, but she also knows that Doctor Lindstrom is likely to figure that out and he will push back if needed.
"Please come in," Doctor Lindstrom says.
"I'll wait for you," Olivia assures Alex.
"You don't have to do that," Alex assures her, but she would really like it if she did say.
"I want to," Olivia responds, Alex nods, Alex, and Doctor Lindstrom head into his office while Olivia sits back down.
Inside Doctor Lindstrom sits down in his chair while Alex takes a seat, right away Doctor Lindstrom realizes that it is likely that Alex is going to require time to open up.
"Feel free to sit down, Alex, or would you prefer Ms Cabot?" Doctor Lindstrom says.
"Alex," Alex says as she sits down.
"Why don't you tell me about yourself Alex," Doctor Lindstrom suggests.
"What did Liv tell you when she called?" Alex asks, and Doctor Lindstrom knows that that question doesn't violate doctor/patient confidentiality as it is directly related to why Alex is at the appointment.
"That she had a friend, you, who had been through a lot of trauma and needed an appointment," Doctor Lindstrom says.
"Right," Alex says with a nod. "So don't you want to hear all about my trauma?" Alex asks.
"Eventually, but I think it's first if I get to know you a little better first," Doctor Lindstrom explains.
"Right," Alex says.
"Whenever you're ready," Doctor Lindstrom assures her.
For a few minutes Alex and Doctor Lindstrom sit in silence as Doctor Lindstrom wants to wait until Alex is ready to talk.
"I've known Olivia twenty years," Alex says, finally breaking the silence as she doesn't like sitting in silence with someone she doesn't know, and it says a lot to Doctor Lindstrom for that to the best thing Alex said. "But three of those years I was in Witness Protection, and almost three years after that I couldn't bare to reach out," Alex admits.
"Let's start there, why couldn't you reach out?" Doctor Lindstrom asks.
"Because I wasn't the Alex she knew anymore, I was never that Alex again," Alex admits, as even who she is now isn't the same Alex as Olivia once knew, and she and Doctor Lindstrom begin their session.
While Alex and Doctor Lindstrom are in their session Olivia checks in with Fin then spends the rest of the hour worrying about how Alex is doing. While she knows Doctor Lindstrom is extremely good at what the does, and she trusts him, she also knows that Alex struggles to let people in, that because of how she was raised and everything she has been through that there is a persona that she feels she must maintain.
Finally, after an hour the door opens, and Alex and Doctor Lindstrom walk out.
"I'll see you on Thursday Alex," Doctor Lindstrom say. "Olivia," he says.
"Yes, you will," Alex says, as Doctor Lindstrom heads back into the office, and Olivia stands up.
"So, you're coming back?" Olivia asks.
"Yeah, I guess I am," Alex says with a shrug.
"I'm proud of you," Olivia says. "I know you don't find asking for help easy," Olivia explains.
"I really don't," Alex admits.
"Which is why I know how big of deal this is," Olivia admits.
"Thanks Liv," Alex tells her, knowing that chances are she wouldn't have thought to go to therapy again without Olivia's push.
"Would you like a lift home?" Olivia asks curious.
"I should go back to the office. I still have work I need to do," Alex admits.
"Alex…" Oliva starts to say.
"It's better I go back to work Liv, otherwise I will just sit in my apartment and think about everything," Alex explains.
"Okay," Olivia says, understanding why Alex going to work would be a good idea, and the two of them head out of Doctor Lindstrom's office.
November 29th 2020
Almost three weeks have passed since Alex was triggered by gunshots and ever since she has been seeing Doctor Lindstrom twice a week, and even though they have just started he is helping her. He is even helping her with things she thought she had worked through a long time ago.
It's a early evening on a Sunday that happens to be Antonio's birthday, and both he and Alex are in Alex's apartment setting up for Antonio's birthday dinner/party.
"Are you okay?" Alex asks her son. "I know this is a bit more scaled back than you were hoping for," Alex says as current Covid restrictions changed things.
"I'm good Mami," Antonio assures her. "Jaden got invited to a playdate that he really wanted to go to so Alejandro's taking him while Ken's coming, it's not perfect, but it worked out," Antonio explains, as the original plan was for them both to come but instead Ken is coming to dinner and Antonio is going to get lunch with Alejandro later in the week.
"I was surprised you asked Fin to come," Alex admits.
"I know I didn't have much to do with him during the trial, but I do remember him," Antonio admits. "And you, Ken, even Liz, Richard and Kathleen have talked about him. I want to get to know him better," Antonio explains, and Alex nods. "It's going to be nice to meet Noah," Antonio says, and Alex is amused by that, but before she can say anymore there is a knock on the door.
"Do you want to get that?" Alex asks her son, as she knows that they are his guests.
"Sure," Antonio says, before heading to the door. Getting to the door he opens it and Dickie walks in.
"Hey, happy birthday man," Dickie says and he gives Antonio a quick hug.
"Thanks," Antonio responds, closing the door and the two of them head back towards where Alex has finished setting things up.
"Richard, where are your sisters?" Alex asks as she knows that both Liz and Kathleen are meant to be coming to dinner.
"Hello to you to Alex," Dickie says, in a teasing tone.
"You know what I mean," Alex says amused.
"Elizabeth went to pick up Kathleen, I said I'd meet them here," Dickie explains, as there is another knock on the door.
"I got it," Antonio says, and he goes to the door, opens it and finds Olivia, and Noah who is holding a present. "Hi Olivia,"
"Hi Antonio, this is Noah," Olivia introduces. "Noah, this is Antonio," Olivia says, knowing that Noah knows who he is as she explained.
"It's really nice to meet you," Antonio says.
"It's nice to meet you too, Happy Birthday," Noah says, handing Antonio the present that Olivia brought him. As Olivia had no idea what to get Antonio, and he didn't want Alex to know that, she called Barba for suggests and got something that Barba is very sure that Antonio is going to love.
"Thank you," Antonio says, taking the present, and the three of them head into the apartment.
Twenty minutes later Barba, Liz, Kathleen, Ken, and Fin have all arrived for Antonio's Birthday celebration, which means they have hit the current Covid Restriction limit of ten people, and they are all standing around the living area.
"So did you actually cook?" Olivia asks Alex, who rolls her eyes at Olivia's tone of voice.
"No, we got takeout," Alex answers.
"Good," Fin says relieved.
"So, Alex has always been an awful cook?" Kathleen asks curious as she has seen the side effects of Alex trying to cook, more than once.
"Yes," Olivia, Fin, and Barba all say together.
"We had some interesting times in the program," Antonio explains.
"I would love those stories," Dickie says.
"Same," Ken and Liz say together.
"You should hear stories about Lex cooking when we were at Harvard," Barba comments.
"Those stories I want to hear," Olivia comments, as she knows a little about Alex and Barba's time at Harvard, but she would love to hear more. She also knows that hearing stories about Harvard would be easier on Alex than Antonio telling stories about their time in WITSEC which she suspects is exactly why Barba brought up Harvard.
"Before you go down that road, remember I know just as many stories about you," Alex warns Barba.
"I like stories!" Noah reveals, to everyone's amusement.
"Don't need the reminder Lex," Barba warns, after ruffling Noah's hair as Noah is standing right beside him.
"Okay, okay, let's change the subject. Fourteen years' experience tell me that if we start down this road, we'll just get into Mami and Rafi trying to one up each other with stories," Antonio comments, as he used to love when they did that when he was a kid.
"I like the sound of that," Fin says, as both Alex and Barba are pretty private people so he would love to hear a lot of stories.
"Let's not," Alex says. "How about I raise a toast instead," Alex suggests. "To my incredible son, every day you make me proud, everyday I'm happy to be your mother. You have become a smart, loving, strong, caring man, and I know you're going to continue to be amazing; To Antonio, happy birthday," Alex says.
"Happy Birthday," Olivia, Noah, Liz, Dickie, Kathleen, Ken, and Fin say. Once they toast the group of ten continue to celebrate Antonio's birthday together, having an incredible time.
