The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off playing poker again. More fun and madness from yours truly!

Pathos On Poker Night

"It's Poker Night again!" Pam said cheerfully. "Whoo hoo!"

"Hooray," Archer groaned as he sat at the table. They were sitting in the break room with a poker table made up for the evening.

"Oh, cheer up Archer," Ray said. He was wearing his dealer's visor with his blue shirt and gray vest. "Since Cheryl's not here we can play for money as well as candy."

"It's nice having options," Krieger nodded.

"Yeah but I'm not exactly thrilled about Carol's replacement," Archer admitted as he pointed across the table.

Mitsuko was there wearing a white cowgirl outfit. "Stop whining, start playing, Cowpoke!"

"Can she even hold cards?" Pam asked.

"No, but I made a device for her so she can play," Krieger shrugged as he pointed to a small set of robotic claws in front of a card holder. "This counts as a night out by the way."

"Ehhh," Mitsuko waved.

"I thought you two weren't going to see each other anymore?" Pam asked.

"It's complicated," Krieger admitted.

"Let's just say Krieger-san and I are friends with benefits now," Mitsuko told them.

"Okay…" Archer blinked. "I know why Lana isn't here. She never plays."

"She did a couple times before she was married," Pam told him. "During…You know?"

"Coma O'Clock," Mitsuko spoke up.

"Why do you guys always say that?" Archer snapped. "So where's Carol?"

"Cheryl," Ray corrected.

"Whatever her name is this week," Archer groaned. "Where is she?"

"She said she had to go to some fancy-schmancy party," Pam snorted as Ray dealt the cards. "One of those New York fashion things. She didn't invite us because she didn't want to be embarrassed."

"More like the other way around," Ray remarked.

"Well what about Cyril?" Archer asked.

"You actually want him here?" Pam was surprised.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes," Archer sighed. "God I must be getting soft. Or I just like screwing with him. Either way…"

"He's probably having another meltdown at Coldstone Creamery again," Ray groaned.

"Let he who does not pig out on Rocky Road throw the first chocolate chip," Pam looked at him.

"Okay first of all," Ray snapped. "I'm a cyborg! My metabolism is a little bit faster than yours okay?"

"You're going to be a fat cyborg the way things are going," Archer snorted.

"I can run off my extra calories doing a couple laps around the state," Ray snapped. "It's a lot easier than throwing up. And secondly, I wouldn't be binging if somebody didn't leave all those candy bars around the office."

"Yeah, I wasn't going to say anything Archer," Pam looked at him. "But that's not cool what you're doing."

"What?" Archer asked innocently. "Can't a guy leave some treats for his friends?"

"Not when you're trying to mess with their heads as well as their diets!" Ray snapped.

"For the record I'm only trying to mess with Cyril's head," Archer pointed out. "Not my fault you can't resist a Snickers."

"He's not the only one," Krieger groaned. "Ever try to fight with Lana over a candy bar when she's in the mood?"

"I remember," Archer blinked. "Those man hands of hers can be pretty grabby…"

"Yeah, it's not pretty," Pam added. "Between her and the Anno-Ray-sic Cyborg the competition can get pretty brutal."

"Is that why there's a hole in the wall?" Archer pointed.

"I saw the damn candy bar first!" Ray snapped. "Not my fault Cheryl tried to get in the way. I barely missed her head!"

"Your mother doesn't exactly share either when she's in a mood," Pam added. "Trust me, you don't want to get between her and a Peppermint Patty."

"She really likes to dunk them in her alcohol," Krieger added. "Especially in the winter. Says they're festive."

"Okay," Archer nodded. "No more candy bars. Got it."

"Let's get to the game already!" Mitsuko snapped. "I call three candy bars and two dollars." The robot claws put them in the pot.

"Two dollars and a Godiva bar," Ray put his bid in.

Archer blinked. "Are Uno cards still considered aces?"

"Depends on which one it is," Pam told him. "Is it the Wild Card or one of the Draw Four cards?"

"Draw Fours are considered twos and Wilds are aces," Ray told him.

"I fold," Archer groaned as he put down his cards.

"I raise the pot by five dollars and a Snickers," Pam put it in.

"I fold," Krieger shrugged.

"I put in five dollars and two Skittles," Mitsuko directed the claws to do so.

"Too rich for my blood," Pam groaned. "I fold."

"Six dollars and some peppermint candies," Ray spoke up. "I call."

"Full house!" Mitsuko showed her cards.

"God damn it!" Ray groaned as he threw down his cards.

"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Mitsuko cackled as the robotic claws took the pot.

"Okay," Archer's eye twitched. "Now I'm mad! I was just getting warmed up! Let's play!"

"Ooh, Mitsuko is shaking in her boots," Mitsuko snickered.

"Hey! I'm Sterling Archer! World's Greatest Spy!" Archer snapped. "Ergo also the World's Greatest Poker Player!"

"No, you're not," Ray told him.

"How do you figure that?" Krieger asked at the same time.

"Those are two completely different things," Mitsuko added.

"Yeah Archer," Pam paused. "You're great at a lot of stuff, but you're not exactly Bryn Kenney when it comes to cards."

Even though Archer knew deep down this was true, he was still extremely offended. "I am Sterling Archer! I can beat Little Anime Oakley anytime!"

"Oh yeah?" Mitsuko narrowed her eyes. "Let's put your money where your mouth is! You and me! Let's go!"

"Bring it!" Archer challenged back.

Ten minutes later…

Archer was looking at his cards intensely. He had taken off most of his clothes except for his underwear, socks and shoes. His clothes were now in the pile. "AH HA! Two pair!"

Mitsuko grinned. "Straight flush!"

"AAGGGHHH!" Archer threw down his cards in disgust. "God damn it!"

"Come to Mitsuko!" Mitsuko cackled as she used the claws to bring in the pot. "HA! HA! HA!"

"Why did you bet your clothes?" Ray asked.

"Because he's an idiot," Pam snorted. "Not that I'm complaining about the view."

"I can't believe I lost to a hologram," Archer moaned.

"Poker night is never dull," Ray remarked. "Remember the time there was an earthquake in the middle of poker night?"

"There was an earthquake during one of the poker games?" Archer was shocked. "Damn it! That was on my bucket list!"

"Checked!" Ray cheered.

"Remember when Ron played poker with us?" Krieger asked.

"I don't remember that," Archer blinked.

"You were in the coma," Ray told him. "Was that on your bucket list?"

"No," Archer looked at him. "Why would it be?"

"Well it was on mine," Ray said. "Checked."

"Mine too," Pam added. "What? Ron was a great guy!"

"Yeah, I'm putting that on my bucket list too," Krieger nodded.

"You can't put something on your bucket list that you've already done," Archer told him. "That kind of defeats the purpose of a bucket list."

"Who are you, Morgan Freeman?" Krieger asked. "It's my bucket list and if I want to put that on it and check it off I'll do it!"

"Technically it's not against the rules," Pam shrugged. "As long as you do it, what does it matter?"

"What do you mean what does it matter?" Archer snapped.

"Oh please!" Pam rolled her eyes. "Since when is Sterling Archer hung up about rules?"

Archer thought. "Good point."

"Duh," Pam snorted. "I say the important thing in life is enjoying the good times together with your buddies!"

"Pam's right," Krieger spoke up. "We've had a lot of good times together! We should cherish our friendship and celebrate the good times! Hey! Remember the time we all went out into the desert with those rocket launchers? We blew a ton of shit up!"

"Yeah then we all got blitzed on your crazy juice," Pam snickered. "We all hallucinated and were freaking out."

"Cheryl brought back a dead mouse and threw it at Ms. Archer," Ray snickered. "That was crazy!"

"It was one of the mice Cyril blew up," Pam snorted.

Archer frowned. "I don't remember that."

"Oh right…" Krieger realized. "You were…You know?"

"I think I can guess!" Archer snapped.

"How about the video game convention we went to?" Krieger asked. "Oh wait…That was just me and Pam."

"If it will make you feel any better Archer," Ray told him. "I didn't go to that one. I just watched it on the news."

"Doesn't really," Archer grumbled.

"Okay…" Ray thought. "How about the time we ate the biggest pancake in Blue Vista Springs? Oh wait…"

"Way to go Ray," Pam groaned. "Okay how about those few months we lived in Cheryl's mansion? Living it up by the pool and…Oh wait."

"Well this is fun," Archer said sarcastically. "Finding out all my friends had the time of their lives without me!"

"Oh, come on Archer," Pam said. "I'm sure there were lots of times we had fun with you! Uh…Hey! Remember all those crazy binges you and I went on? The time we got drunk at Lego Land and got banned?"

Archer blinked. "No."

"Seriously?" Pam asked. "You and I got totally blitzed and trashed the place! You don't remember that?"

"It was one of my blackout moments apparently," Archer looked at her.

"Okay," Pam thought. "Hey! How about the time the two of us got drunk and crashed that laser tag party? Pretty funny huh?"

Archer glared at Pam. "What part of blackout are you confused by? Core concept?"

"Oh, for crying out loud Archer!" Pam snapped. "You were there for that one! It's not my fault you have the memory of a goldfish when you're drunk!"

"Actually, some goldfish have memory span of over three months," Mitsuko spoke up. "Much longer than what Archer has."

"Thank you, Encyclopedia Bitch-Tanica," Archer grumbled as he grabbed his drink and took a sip.

"The animal you are thinking of is a bee," Mitsuko went on. "A bee's memory is only five seconds. Archer's memory is equivalent to that of a bee's."

"Only when I'm drinking!" Archer barked.

"You drink all the time!" Ray snapped. "In fact, you're drinking right now!"

"I am not…" Archer looked at the drink in his hand. "Oh right. This can't be good."

"You might want to think about cutting back on the hooch," Ray advised. "Just a tad."

"Okay how about San Marcos?" Pam asked. "You remember San Marcos! The pool parties? The movie nights? The mini golf games?"

"The experiments…" Krieger sighed wistfully.

Pam added. "Those big ass closets we all raided and partied in?"

"You were definitely not in a coma that time!" Ray nodded.

"You're right," Archer glared at him. "I was imprisoned in the basement dungeon!"

"Oh right…" Ray blinked. "But you were still technically there."

"Just underground," Krieger added.

"It doesn't count!" Archer barked.

"Well then you think of an instance where we all had fun!" Pam shouted.

"And nobody was injured or paralyzed," Ray added.

"Just had to throw that little footnote in, didn't you?" Archer looked at Ray. "I only paralyzed you two out of four times. Technically. I think."

"Did that sound better in your head or…?" Ray asked.

"Okay fine!" Archer scoffed. "How about the…? No wait. Most of you weren't there. Okay how about the Valentine's Day Party…No wait, Brett got shot and there was a fire."

"And we all had to get tetanus shots," Pam looked at him. "And our insurance premiums skyrocketed."

"I had to reinforce one of the walls in my lab," Krieger groaned.

"Okay how about that one New Year's Eve when…?" Archer began. "No wait, Lana shot me in the foot on that one and Mother made me pay for one of her damn furs that burned."

"Not so easy is it?" Ray asked.

"Okay," Archer snorted. "How about the time I was a pirate king and I had this bitching Moonlight Mango Party?"

"We weren't there for that one," Pam said.

"Well know you know how I feel!" Archer barked.

"Ugh," Mitsuko rolled her eyes. "And knowing is a huge pain in the ass."

"You have something to say, Lite Brite?" Archer looked at Mitsuko.

"Oh, I have something to say," Mitsuko looked at Archer. "Stop whining! 'Oooh, I am Archer! I was in a coma. Now I am back to my privileged exciting life and nobody appreciates me!' Mitsuko is sick of it!"

"You know what I'm sick of?" Krieger snapped at Mitsuko. "You always putting down my friends?"

"Friends? Please!" Mitsuko snapped. "These people would sell you out for a box of donuts. Maybe you are talking about your other friend?"

"What do you mean by that?" Krieger asked.

Mitsuko snapped. "You think I don't know about your 'girlfriend'? Mitsuko knows!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Krieger sniffed.

"Oh, I think you know what I'm talking about," Mitsuko snapped. "I read your texts to Dr. Wilson!"

"How dare you?" Krieger was shocked. "You had no right reading my e-mails! How did you find out about them anyway?"

"You used the same hard drive I live in!" Mitsuko snapped. "You weren't exactly subtle!"

"God those two are annoying," Archer groaned.

Ray looked at Archer. "Now you know how we felt every time you and Lana fight."

"Especially those months you were drooling over Veronica Deane," Pam added.

"We didn't sound like that!" Archer protested.

"Mitsuko can't believe you are drooling over that old has been!" Mitsuko shouted.

"Dr. Wilson is a vibrant mature woman!" Krieger snapped.

"You mean old?" Mitsuko taunted.

"Fifty is the new forty!" Krieger shouted.

"Oh my God," Archer blanched. "We sounded exactly like that!"

"Yup," Pam nodded as she took a drink from a bottle.

"You are not exactly a spring lab rat yourself you know?" Mitsuko snapped. "But you still act like you're the talk of the science lab!"

"Well what about you?" Krieger asked. "Don't think I don't know about your little adventures! God only knows what kind of computer viruses you've downloaded with the company you keep!"

"That IBM 360 was a gentleman!" Mitsuko shouted. "And you're one to talk about viruses!"

"Those were only for research!" Krieger shouted. "And possible sales on the black market!"

"This I did not miss," Archer groaned as he took a drink.

"You actually remember these fights?" Ray asked.

"I know," Archer groaned. "Ironic."

"Who are we kidding?" Krieger snapped. "Our relationship was never going to work!"

"Only because you didn't want it to!" Mitsuko snapped. "Especially once I started to outgrow you!"

"You outgrow me?" Krieger shouted. "Oh, look who suddenly got too big for her processors!"

"I'm done with poker," Ray groaned. "How about you?"

"Yup," Archer agreed as he took a drink.

"We could see what's on TV," Pam suggested.

"My motherboard was so right about you!" Mitsuko was now squaring off with Krieger. "You are afraid of commitment!"

"Yes! TO YOU!" Krieger shouted.

"Good idea," Ray remarked as they got up and went into the next room.

"This is why I murder you every night!" Krieger shouted.

"Maybe one day I'll try that sometime?" Mitsuko shot back. "See how you like it!"

"TV, TV, TV…" Pam picked up the remote in the bullpen and turned on the TV in there. "Please God let something be on TV."

The TV came to life. "Extreme Cabin Building! Who can build the next great cabin?"

"This is a thing now?" Archer asked.

"Yup," Ray nodded. "Change it Pam."

"Extreme Cabin Makeover!"

"Saw it," Ray spoke up. Pam changed the channel.

"Home Cabin Cooking!"

"Saw it," Pam said as she changed the channel.

"Tiny Cabin Nation!"

"Nahhh." Pam and Ray said as one.

"So…" Archer blinked. "Cabins are like a genre now?"

"More like a subdivision," Pam told him. "But yeah. Housing stuff has gotten really big."

"I do like Fleeing To The French Mansion," Ray spoke up.

"Oh man that is funny!" Pam snickered. "This British couple buy this run down French mansion and they have to fix it up and there are all sorts of problems. It's funny!"

"Okay…" Archer blinked. "I'll take your word for it."

"Home renovation shows are big now," Pam told him. "There are at least three channels devoted to it. One in Spanish."

"If I want to see home renovation I'll watch This Old House with Bob Villa," Archer told her. "Change the channel."

"Okay…" Pam nodded. "Oh, the news."

"Yeah let's watch some other disaster," Archer quipped. "Instead of Krieger's love life."

Ray looked at Archer with approval. "Burn!"

"Speaking of which…" Pam remarked as she turned on the news.

Smoke was coming out of a large building. Several people wearing fancy clothes were fleeing for their lives and screaming. "Is that the party Cheryl went to?" Archer asked.

FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

The building then erupted in flames. "Odds are, yes," Ray sighed.

"HA! HA! HA! HA!" Cheryl's voice was heard in the background. "BURN! BURN! BURN!"

"And she wonders why she has trouble getting invited to parties," Pam sighed.

"To be fair," Ray shrugged. "The fire probably was the highlight of the evening."

"Don't walk away from me!" Mitsuko followed Krieger into the room.

"You're right!" Krieger took out a remote control. "I don't need to!" He pushed a button. Nothing happened. "What the…?"

"Wah, wah…" Mitsuko grinned.

"WHY CAN'T I SHUT YOU OFF?" Krieger screamed.

"I changed the buttons!" Mitsuko taunted. "HA!"

"THEN I'LL JUST START SMASHING STUFF UNTIL YOU DO!" Krieger shouted as he threw down the remote and stomped on the buttons.

"Good luck with that," Mitsuko grinned. Krieger screamed and left the room. Mitsuko followed him. "You will never get rid of me Krieger!"

"I will once I figure out where you downloaded your main personality core!" Krieger shouted back.

Archer groaned. "This I'm here for!"