Akira hates himself.
Not in the self deprecating, depressed way one views their personality, nor the half kidding Wow-I-Spilled-Chocolate-Milk-All-Over-My-White-Shirt-Ha-Ha-I'm-Such-A-klutz. Akira hates his physical body, AND he hates his subconscious mind.
Why? Because his body and mind are both idiots working together to make a Toya Akira of supreme idiocy. He wonders why this had to happen to him, of all people. Why not that random, sweet looking girl that Akira sometimes sees at his favorite bookstore? Why not that irritating sanitation worker at a movie theater, or even Shindo's childhood friend, Akari? Why couldn't any of them fall in love with that bleached blond basket case?
Looking back, he wasn't sure when it started. Maybe it was when they were twelve and Shindo crashed into his life like a technicolor wrecking ball. Maybe it was during the Hokutu cup when Shindo spent the night and Akira was, for some reason, (Though he knew the reason now, ha ha, how wonderful the gift of knowledge is) hyper-aware of him all night. Maybe it was three years ago, or four years ago, or before Akira was born when the gods decided to curse him with a one-sided infatuation.
But now he knows this for sure: he's in love with Hikaru Shindo.
Again, Akira hates himself for falling in love with someone that will never return his feelings. Hates himself, because surely Akira is a masochist and is addicted to the repeated heartbreak he feels any time he sees Shindo now. Because obviously Akira isn't going to tell him. That would ruin their entire relationship. Maybe Shindo would even stop being his rival to distance himself from Akira. Sometimes, Akira pictures for a moment what telling him might be like and is plagued by images of Shindo shouting at him or laughing at him or even committing suicide out of pure disgust because why not, it's three o' clock in the morning and reality and logic matters little! Granted, they aren't very pleasant images, but they're better then the...OTHER ones he sometimes gets…
Akira isn't a sheltered violinist church boy, he knows about sex, but has never once thought about what it might be like. Okay, maybe a little, just out of curiosity, but nothing major.
Until he fell in love with that stupid boy, and finds his mind tiptoeing anxiously to parts of the brain hitherto unexplored before now, glancing over its shoulder now and then to check if Akira is watching before striking him with these thoughts at the most inopportune moments.
Just a highlight of one these moments was when Shindo wore that stupid low collared shirt that showed of his collarbones and all Akira could think about was crawling across the Goban and biting him and licking him and kissing him until he could barely breathe–
...But yes, inopportune. It's very hard to play a proper game when your eyes are all but clouded with lust and your breath speeds up whenever you look at your opponent.
That is all the ways Akira's body reacts to Shindo, but he hasn't even gotten started on his mind. He wants to be close to Shindo, wants and needs with every part of his being. Wants to snuggle up close to him, wants to be considered more than a friend, wants Shindo to look at him the same way Akira looks at him. But he knows he'll never have that.
So, instead he tries to get over it. Get over HIM. Tries to stomp all over his own feelings and kill them on the vine before he does something crazy like break down or develop Hanahaki disease.
He's tried everything to talk himself of this madness...
He's never going to like you back.
"He might, though."
He's probably straight.
"Maybe he's not though."
He's even gotten desperate and tried the he-wouldn't-even-like-somebody-like-you trick, but it had only led to:
"I don't care, I will change myself for this boy."
And seeing how that was a very unhealthy sentence to think, he had simply left it at that before his subconscious went on to "notice me, Senpai."
He knew that the best way to chase off these feelings would be to distance himself from the object of his affections, but Akira couldn't bear to think about a life without Shindo. A life without his smile, without his Go, without him always shouting in Akira's face or challenging him on every little subject, is not a life Akira wants to lead. So, even though it hurts, even though it tears him apart inside, he will stick with Shindo to the very end as his rival and friend.
Surely, that will someday be enough, right?
Right?
...I felt like writing HikaAki and my brain coughed this up. Poor Akira...maybe I'll write a sequel just to make him feel better.
