They climbed the stairs and emerged from the underground into the bustling city, the sun piercing through the clouds and into Akira's eyes. He squinted at the glare.
It didn't feel like I had been down there for that long…
He could still feel Shindo's hand in his own, warm and a little sweaty. Still there, still standing next to him on the street. What do these people think of them, he wonders? Do they even see them at all?
Hikaru interrupted his musings with a loud exhale. "Sooo...where do you want to go?"
Akira squinted at him. "What do you mean?"
"Like...you wanna...eat something? Or…like...go home? 'Cause we can totally do that, but maybe we can call a taxi, or a use a different train, it'll be weird if we go back in after we just..."
He was looking at the sky, his free hand fidgeting with the hem of his ratty shirt. Akira almost slapped himself in the face. Of course Shindo was nervous. He was nervous, too. Not to toot his own horn, but Akira was generally a calm person. If he was unsure, nervous, maybe even a little afraid, Shindo was bound to be a hundred times worse.
Akira would have liked to just stand there holding his hand forever, but somebody had to take charge here. He tugged on Shindo's hand firmly, trying to seem more sure of himself than he was.
"Where're we going?" Shindo said nervously.
"A place where we can talk." He said evenly. "I was thinking my Father's salon."
"Why do we have to talk?" Shindo objected, not letting go of Akira's hand.
He stopped walking and gave Shindo his patented "bitch, please" look. He didn't know what, exactly, it looked like, but he had been told it was very effective. "Shindo," He said slowly. "You just kissed me. I think we need to talk."
Hikaru blushed and looked at the ground again. "Yeah. I guess."
Feeling a little lightheaded, Akira continued to walk.
His hand is so warm in mine.
Akira almost regretted his decision to take Shindo to the Go salon. The second he walked in through the door he was assaulted by Ichikawa's loud cries of, "Well, here he is!"
She was leaning over the counter with an odd mix of relief and incredulity. She turned to one of the frequent customers, who was sitting at the table closest to her, and said, "I told you he was alive!"
"Eh," Said the man Akira now recognized as (Insert his name here, I'll look it up later) "You never know."
"I hope you weren't worried about me, Ichikawa." Akira said apologetically, fearing a lecture.
"Worried?" Ichikawa was almost on the edge of the counter by now, practically glaring at him. "You didn't show up for work, Akira! You didn't tell us where you were, you didn't tell us where you were going-"
"Just curious, who's 'Us'?" Shindo inquired, leaning up against the wall.
"Well, I mean, the whole Go Institute in general!" Ichikawa huffed. "My point is, you should have warned them!"
Akira, a little bit ashamed, half smiled sheepishly. "I really am sorry, Ichikawa. Next time-"
"Next time?!" She shrieked. "There will be no 'next time'!' You can't afford to skip work like this, Akira."
A little bit irritated, Akira nodded and apologized again.
"So, are you going to let us play here?" Shindo said with a smirk. "Or are you going to make Toya go to the Go Institute and sign a written confession?"
Ichikawa scowled at him and waved them by. "Maybe I will if you keep talking like that, Shindo."
Shindo widened his eyes comically and gasped. "Oh, no! Maybe you'll even call my Mom, too! Please don't do that Ichikawa-san!"
Her scowl grew more pronounced, but Akira saw laughter in her eyes. "Be quiet and go play."
Shindo grinned and followed Akira to their regular table. It was sort of nice they had "A Table", one that everybody knew was theirs, one that was always clear. Than again, the tables around them were always clear, too. Akira was ashamed to admit that Shindo and him had a hard time keeping the knob on their volume control turned down; it was like a force bubble was around the place they always sat, a kind of keep out sign that informed a passer-by that unless they wanted their ears to fall off, they would keep to the quieter parts of the Go Salon.
He took his seat, and Shindo sat across him, glancing around the Salon as he did so. "Wow, crowded today."
"It's crowded every day." Akira said, getting out the bowls of stones.
He felt a pair of eyes on him and looked up to see Shindo frowning at him, sitting back in his seat with his arms crossed.
"What?" Akira said impatiently, raising his eyebrows.
"Your tone." Shindo reported. "You went back into robot mode."
Akira rolled his eyes. "I don't have a 'robot mode', this is how I always talk."
"Not always." Shindo said quietly, looking down at the Go board. "Not thirty minutes ago, at least."
Suddenly feeling uncomfortable, Akira cleared his throat and briskly handed Shindo a bowl of stones. "Draw for color?"
Shindo was still eyeing him, but obliged. Akira got black.
"So," He said conversationally as he placed his first stone. "Are we going to talk?"
Shindo was silent for a while. Then he put down a white stone in the upper right corner. "What, here?"
"Where else?" Akira shot back, slamming down another stone, not really thinking about where it would go. "Nobody would hear us, anyway. They're too immersed in their own games."
Shindo chewed his lip and finally gave a conceding nod. "Okay." He was clenching the white stone rather hard as he placed it in a completely ridiculous place that Akira would totally call out if weren't for the special circumstances.
There was a long and uncomfortable silence.
Eventually, Akira couldn't take it anymore. "Why did you kiss me?"
Shindo flinched a little, like the utterance of words were a physical blow. He rubbed the back of his neck. "'Cause...I was scared? And...afraid for your life, I guess."
Akira pressed his lips together. "That couldn't have been the only reason."
"Yeah...it's not." Shindo grimaced.
Akira sighed and tipped his head back. "For the love of god-"
"I like you." Shindo blurted out. "And…I think if I was going to kiss someone, it would be you."
Akira sat there for a minute, letting those words sink in. "It would be you".
"Me?" He repeated, hating how small and unsure he sounded.
"You."
He stared at Shindo. Shindo stared back, gaze unwavering. His hands were shaking, and his leg was bouncing under the table, but he was still there, looking into his eyes, waiting for Akira's reaction.
Akira blinked and cleared his throat. "Oh."
Really? That's all you can do?! "Oh"?!
"Yep." Shindo said, popping the 'P'.
He couldn't believe this. He couldn't believe it. Here he was, sitting across from Hikaru Shindo, who had just confessed (what? Love? Attraction?) to him. To him
Me? It would be me? You consider me like that? Do you think about me the same way I do about you? Have you been hating yourself this entire time, hating yourself for liking a boy, for liking me?
"Yeah, okay." Shindo's voice was rough. "I get it, I'll leave."
"Wait." Akira blurted out, standing up.
"Nah, I get it." He wasn't looking at Akira as he cleared off the board. "I would be freaked out, too. It's fine. I just-I thought you..."
The last part went unspoken. "I thought you kissed me back"
"But I guess...I just..."
"Can you shut up?!"
He hadn't meant to shout it like that. Shindo looked up at him, eyes slightly red, confused. He didn't even look around the Go Salon to see if anybody else had noticed.
Maybe it was time to stop thinking about everybody else. Maybe it's time to start living for me.
"Shut up, and sit down, and let me say my piece." Akira pointed at the chair. Obediently, Shindo sat.
"I feel the same way." Akira said, examining his face for a reaction. "About you, I mean. I have for quite some time now."
Shindo just looked stunned.
"I just never told you because...I thought it was wrong." He dropped his gaze, ashamed. "I had a hard time accepting it. And...I sort of acted stupid."
Shindo snorted. "'Sort of', yeah right."
"Okay, maybe very stupid." Akira conceded. "But you acted stupid, too, admit it!"
"I thought you were offing yourself, what was I supposed to do?!" Shindo rose his voice, but his smile was broader and happier than Akira had seen in a long time. "You would have done the same."
Akira propped his chin up in his hand, grinning a little. "Maybe we're both stupid."
"That's why we fit together!" Shindo announced enthusiastically, then self-consciously added, "I mean, you know, why I'm your rival and you're mine."
Akira hummed and nodded, but now Shindo had gotten him thinking. Rivals was such a broad term…maybe they'd been misusing it all along. Someone you chased after, someone who chased after you, maybe? Someone that you always fought against, and you knew they would always fight against you?
He knew Shindo and him, of course, were rivals, first and foremost. But did being a rival mean being their friend? Did it mean playing each other for fun at any chance they got? Did it mean countless phone conversations or long, drawn out rants about how Taylor Swift songs couldn't be brainwashing the community, Shindo, because that was stupid and impossible, no matter how many times you repeatedly say it?
"I think..." Akira began slowly. "That you and I are a little different. We don't really fit the mold for 'Rivals', do we?"
"Obviously." Shindo snickered. "If you were a normal rival, I wouldn't have tongued you in the subway. You don't see me doing that to Ogata, do you?"
Akira scowled, then paused. "...You consider Ogata-san a rival?"
"You're always number one the list, Toya." Shindo said hurriedly. "But no, not really. It's just a better analogy than using, say, Ochi."
"...You consider Ochi a rival, too?"
"Jesus, Toya!"
"So, are you getting along?" Ichikawa had suddenly appeared beside their table, eyeing both of them.
"For now." Shindo joked, gesturing down at their forgotten game.
She left, off to make more tea for the costumers.
"You know, I meant it." Akira said softly, staring at the unfinished game. "When I said that we were different. I think something like this is once in a lifetime." Their eyes connected, Akira letting him see how sincere he was. "We're lucky."
Shindo smiled again, but softer somehow. "Yeah. I am."
"We're lucky, Shindo." Akira scolded lightly.
"Mm-hm." Shindo nodded, but it was like he was hardly listening; he was staring at Akira. "Real lucky."
Akira blinked and looked down at the table again, his anxieties coming back into his head. "What will this change?"
Shindo sighed heavily. "I don't know. But whatever this," He gestured to the both of them. "Is, or whatever will change, I think we should let it."
Akira nodded slowly, chewing on his lip. "Can I kiss you?"
"Uh, yeah."
"Can I…go out with you?"
"Yeah, we did that anyway."
"Can I-"
"Listen," Shindo interrupted. "Whatever it is, I'll agree. You can do whatever."
Akira took in a breath, noticing it was a little shaky. "You...you trust me that much?"
"I can't remember a time when I didn't trust you, honestly." Shindo said bluntly, stretching out his legs under the table.
They sat there a moment, staring at each other, taking it all in. Akira didn't know what kind of emotion he saw in Shindo's eyes, then. Something like love, something trusting and light and comforting. He was letting Akira in. He was willing for this.
"Well," Akira said abruptly, ending their moment. "Don't think that because we're doing this I'm going to go easy on you in matches."
"Oh, I wouldn't expect you to go easy on me in anything." Shindo leaned forward, smirking knowingly.
Akira gaped, his face hot, and quickly slammed down a stone. "Shut up and play your move, you pervert."
Shindo laughed and they continued their game, for once not screaming at each other when it ended.
"How do you tell your Mom you're gay?"
Akira choked on his coffee, almost spitting it all over Shindo's Goban. It had been at least a month since the 'Subway Incident', and he was at Shindo's house, playing a game of Go. It was actually an amazing game, and had held his absolute attention until Shindo just said that out of the blue.
"Real classy, Toya." Shindo commented, handing his some napkins Akira used to wipe his face.
"I don't know," Akira said when he'd finished and gently set down his coffee in case he had another bomb dropped on him. "I've never done it before."
Shindo was silent, his head propped up in his hand, elbow resting on his knee. "Like, I don't wanna freak her out or anything. I don't even know where she stands on, y'know, sexuality."
"How do you not know that about your own mother?" Akira raised his eyebrows, aghast.
Shindo glared at him. "We don't really talk. What about you, Toya, huh? Do you know what your mom thinks about gay people?!"
Akira opened his mouth, but choked and closed it again, realizing Shindo was right.
He nodded sagely. "Mmm, Toya, maybe you should review your own relationship with your Mom before you go all therapist on me."
"We just don't talk about things like that!" Akira replied defensively.
"Exactly, so how do you bring it up, you know?" Shindo spread his hands as though to say, 'you see?'
"Like, 'hey, Mom, you don't have to worry about me getting married, 'cause I'm a fucking queer! What's for dinner?"
"Don't talk about yourself like that," Akira said absentmindedly. "...What about your father?"
"What about him?"
"Would he be okay with it?"
"Christ, Toya, I don't know! I barely know the guy!"
Akira stared at him in silence. He forgot how different other families were to his own.
"I suppose," Akira tried. "You could just tell them separately."
"Yeah, I could tell Mom over dinner and then she could tell Dad." Shindo nodded, a little tension dissipating from his shoulders.
"I think you should tell them personally." Akira said gently.
"What difference does it make? If either of them hate me for being gay, it won't matter if I broke the news to them face-to-face." Shindo's face was grim, and Akira realized how high-stung he really was. "They'd hate me anyway."
"Any good mother would love her son no matter what." Akira pointed out. "I don't think she would care...if she did, she would still love you."
Shindo sighed and closed his eyes. "I just don't know, Toya."
Akira crawled over to his side of the Goban and kissed his forehead. He was still getting used to casual touching with Shindo, to kissing him or hugging him or even holding his hand. The experience was new, but nice. Very nice.
"Have you asked anybody else?"
"Like who? You're the only one that knows."
Akira bit his lip. "Maybe you should come out to your friends for practice."
Shindo snorted and wrapped his arms around Akira's shoulders, pulling him into his lap. "Wow, nice to know you think so highly of my friends. 'for practice', what the Hell, Toya?"
"You know what I mean, to see how to deal with negative reactions!" Akira tried to protest, but it was hard when his face was in Shindo's chest. He closed his eyes and tentatively snuggled in closer.
"What if they do?" Shindo's voice was small and nervous. "Waya, Isumi, Nase, all of them...what if they...don't want anything to do with me, after?"
"I don't think you're giving your friends enough credit, Shindo." Akira rose to face his boyfriend as he talked, a stern expression on his face. "They love you. They're your friends, after all. Waya definitely wouldn't stop being your friend, and neither would Isumi. I don't know them all that well, but I know they enjoy your company. Nase seems like a very open-minded girl. And-what was his name? Saeki-san?"
"Yeah."
"He seems very nice, and both of you are close friends."
Shindo appeared to be thinking. "You know, I think the only one that'd think it was disgusting would be Ochi, but you know, who cares about him?"
Akira kissed him chastely on the lips. "Are you going to? Are you really going to tell them?" He said when he pulled away.
Shindo looked into his eyes, breathing in the small space between their lips.
"Yeah." He said roughly. "I-Yeah."
Akira smiled. "You're very brave, you kn-"
Shindo dragged him in for another kiss before he could finish his sentence.
Akira took measured, deep breaths as he stared at himself in the mirror.
This was fine. This...this is good. This is a good thing, god damn it!
If Shindo The Spineless could do it, then so could Akira. It was simple. Easy. "Mother, Father, I have something to tell you; I'm gay." Just like that. Just words.
Akira let out one last breath, his stomach writhing, fluttering sensations in his throat. He turned around and left his bedroom, measuring each step as he walked down the hall. He hoped he wasn't walking oddly.
It's just walking, you overreacting weirdo. You learned this at seven months old.
He peeked his head into the kitchen. His Mother was washing dishes. She heard the creak of a floorboard and turned her head, smiling at him warmly.
"Good morning, Akira. How did you sleep?"
He swallowed. "Fine. And you?"
"Great." She chuckled a little and went back to the dishes. "But your Father was snoring most of the night."
Akira tried to smile, it came out more as a grimace than anything else. "Huh."
He opened his mouth to say something more, but stopped himself. Now wasn't the right time. She was doing dishes. Later. He'd tell her later.
But she did deserve to be told, he reminded himself. She had helped him when he was in a dark place. She deserved to know.
"Is Father in the playing room?" He asked her.
"No, he left early." She said, putting a dish on a rack to dry. "I think he had an unofficial match with an old colleague."
Akira nodded, thinking. He would just wait for Father to get home. He didn't know when exactly, that would be, maybe hours, but he could wait.
No. Stop it. Just tell Mother now. It'll kill you if you wait.
He realized it was true. He didn't want to keep it a secret anymore. He was tired of keeping it in him for so long.
He cleared his throat. "Mother...can I talk to you about something?"
Perhaps parents have a special power to sense what their children were feeling, because she immediately put down the dishrag and turned to him, a concerned look in her eyes, but a comforting tilt to her lips.
"Sure."
She stood by the counter, waiting for him to say something.
Now, you fool. Just say it. You spent hours rehearsing what to say.
He remembered what Shindo had said to him yesterday. "Relax. You're Akira Toya, remember? You can handle anything."
He steeled himself, and tried to shake all nerves from his body.
"Remember when I told you I thought I was in love, and I was sure they didn't like me back?" He was proud that his tone was level, even casual.
Mother nodded. "Yes."
"I told them I loved them. And they feel the same way about me." He felt a bit odd talking about this with his Mother. They never really discussed things like this.
She beamed and clapped her hands together. "Oh, that's wonderful! I'm so happy for you, Akira!"
He genuinely smiled a little. "Thank you."
"What's his name?" She asked eagerly.
"Well, that's what I-" He stopped. Replayed her sentence in his head. "What did you just say?"
"What's his name, Akira?" She repeated.
Akira's jaw dropped.
Her expression changed from happy to worried. "If it is a boy, I didn't want to assume-"
"No, it is!" He hurriedly confirmed. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about."
She sighed and shook her head. "You think your Mother is blind? The biggest tip-off was when you said 'they' instead of the default 'her'. But really, Akira, the way you act around girls your age, I'm not really surprised."
He blinked. "Oh." He voice broke a little.
She crossed the kitchen and pulled him in for a hug. "It's okay, baby. I knew."
He let her hold him for a minute, gathering his courage for what he was about to say.
"It's Shindo. The boy is Shindo."
She laughed a little. "Of course it is. How could it be anyone else?"
Akira felt a light, bubbly feeling in his chest. Indeed.
"Does father know?"
His mother pulled away, tucking a strand of glossy black hair behind her ear. "No, I haven't spoken to him about it. I thought it would be best to wait until you told me for sure."
A twist of anxiety curled in his stomach, but he batted it away. It will be fine. I'm their son, no matter what.
It was actually in the afternoon his Father came back. Mother went to make tea, and Akira requested a game.
Akira chose white by default, and they began. He tried to lose himself in the game for a while, the comforting familiarity of his Father's playing style, but his thoughts kept haunting him, trying to push past his lips but being wrangled back at the last second to stew for minutes more in the back of his head.
There was silence other than the clack of the stones on the board, a clear and crisp noise Akira could remember since the age of five. How many years had he spent in this room, playing his father?
"Father," Akira said, his tone bland. "I'm gay."
His Father dropped a black stone.
Akira looked up at him, making eye contact. His face was as stoic and impassive as ever.
"I'm gay and I'm romantically involved with a boy." He tried again.
This was the best way. Straight and to the point, that was how Father liked it. If he could handle the truth thrown in his face like this, he could handle accepting his son.
Father just stared at him for a few seconds. "Are you happy with him?" He said eventually.
Akira nodded. "Yes. Very happy."
Father looked back down at the board and played his turn. "All right, then."
They played a few more hands.
"The boy is Shindo." Akira ventured, still looking at the Goban.
"Good." His father said. "He seems to treat you well."
They continued to play. Akira lost, but that hardly mattered. Winning or losing never mattered with his father. He bowed low, hiding the few tears that had built up in his eyes.
"Thank you for the game."
He looked up to see Father bowing as well, a smile on his face. "Thank you for the game."
"Sooo," Shindo's voice blared through the cell phone. "How did it go?"
"Amazing." Akira told him, laying on his futon, watching the stars outside the window. "Mother already knew, and Father didn't blink an eye."
Shindo spluttered. "She already knew?! What tipped her off, has she been watching us for four years?!"
"I think so."
"Man, you're so lucky. When I told my Mom, she stood there looking at me for like, twenty seconds, then, she gets mad at me, she's like, 'Hikaru, why haven't you introduced me yet?!'"
Shindo had already told him about this several times, but he let him go on.
"I mean, she was sort of weirded out, but she just didn't know exactly what it meant."
"It's better than outright hatred." Akira pointed out.
"Yeah, I know."
Akira just lay there a minute, looking at the stars, thinking. It was funny, how approval meant so much to a person. Praise, approval, pride…it was all so important to humans. How would he have reacted if his mother and father didn't approve? Would he have argued his point, or just sat in silence out of fear? He liked to think he would have done the former, but would he really? He was used to being on his own, but a teenager had his limits. If the two people he loved most in the world reacted with fear and disgust, would he have had the energy to keep on going? To not take it all back and continue to live in the closet forever?
"You still there, Toya?"
Yes. He would. Because he had Shindo, brave, irritating, endless-energy-Shindo.
"I'm still here."
"You zoning out?"
Akira shifted a little on the Futon. "Have I ever told you how thankful I am for you?"
He swore he could hear Shindo turning pink from the other end of the phone. "Um, no, pretty sure I would have remembered if you did."
"Well I am. I'm thankful for you." Maybe one day he would be able to tell Shindo exactly how much. Maybe one day they could navigate the world together without tripping over themselves.
"Ah, thanks. I'm...thankful for you too, I guess."
Akira scowled, though he knew Shindo couldn't see it. "Wow. You really know how to make someone feel appreciated."
"Shut up, I'm not used to this!"
Neither of them are used to it. Akira knew this was only the tip of the iceberg. They would have lots more obstacles to face than just coming out to their parents. But whatever came in their way, whatever object they had to face, they would do it together. He wasn't alone.
After a few more minutes of conversation, Akira said goodnight and hung up. He lay there, phone loosely gripped in his hand, nervous and scared, but resolved and ready.
I can handle this. We can handle this.
He put back the phone, turned out the light, and crept back into bed.
One day, He thought, eyelids already growing heavy. One day, everyone can know. About you and I.
One day, we'll get up, and we're going to have to go outside and tell the world. Nobody can hide themselves for long.
Are you ready?
If I could apologize to each and every person that read this face to face, I would wring their hands and beg for forgiveness. Can't believe it's been two months since I've updated this!
In this fanficiton, I tried to portray the kind of affection that begins as a crush, something playful and immature, and slowly turns into something more. I wanted to show what goes through someone's head when they truly understand the world around them to some degree for the first time, but still has hope that they can whether it.
My writing isn't all that I'd want it to be, but at least I enjoyed writing this! :)
I hope you enjoyed it, too.
