Chapter 75

From the moment Clarke woke up, even before she'd actually opened her eyes, she was aware of two things: One, that Bellamy wasn't lying in bed beside her, and two, that she had an engagement ring on her hand. Since she heard the shower running, it was an easy guess where Bellamy was. She opened her eyes, stretched out, and took a minute to just gaze and marvel at the beautiful diamond that now resided on her left ring finger. It wasn't obnoxiously big the way some diamonds were, but it still sparkled gorgeously. The silver band fit her finger perfectly, so there was no need to get it resized. And by far, her favorite part was the inscription on the inside.

Even though it'd been a long time coming, it still felt surreal to see it there. A ring, an actual engagement ring from Bellamy to her. The same exact one she'd forced herself to turn down two months ago. For good reason.

...

Lying curled up on her side, Clarke cried. She'd been crying for hours, ever since she'd gotten home. They'd told her to expect a little soreness and some mild cramping, but the pain she was feeling wasn't physical. It was all the other kind.

Even when she'd stopped the kind of crying that caused her whole body to shake, the tears still seeped from her eyes. They rolled slowly down her cheeks, onto her pillowcase. But she didn't bother to wipe them away, because what was the point of that? She was going to be crying the rest of the afternoon and probably all night, too. The only time she'd stop was if she somehow managed to fall asleep.

Thankfully, her parents had had the common sense to leave her alone, at least until her mom opened the door and said, "Knock, knock," without actually knocking. Clarke didn't move, didn't turn her head to look back over her shoulder. She curled up even tighter, knees drawn up towards her stomach, and just stared out the window as her watery eyes continued to sting.

"How're you doing, honey?" her mother asked her softly. "Are you okay?"

What kind of question was that? She'd woken up that morning with a baby in her stomach, and now there was nothing there. It was gone. They'd sucked it out of her with a machine.

"Do you want anything to eat?" her mom offered when she didn't get an answer. "Or drink?"

If she tried to put anything down, she felt like she might throw up. Just thinking about everything that had happened today made her feel sick. Maybe some girls were able to have this done and not be affected by it, which was totally fine. But she was just not one of those girls.

Apparently her mom still didn't get the hint that she wasn't in the mood to hold a conversation of any kind, because she went ahead and asked, "Do you wanna talk about it?"

Clarke forced out a quick response for that one. "No." That was the last thing she wanted to do.

"Is there anything you need from me?" her mom asked. She was trying so hard—too hard—to be helpful.

"I just need to be alone," Clarke told her. Having someone else around right now wasn't going to make her feel any better. Nothing could make her feel better right now. And maybe nothing ever would again.

Finally, her mom stopped trying to be there for her, and she just quietly left the room, much to Clarke's relief. When she was alone again, she could let the crying intensify. She could let it get to the point where she had to squeeze her eyes shut and clutch her pillowcase tightly with her sob-soaked hands. She could let her shoulders shake and choke on a few helpless whimpers of pointless regret. But it wouldn't amount to anything. All the regret and sorrow in the world still wouldn't bring that baby back.

...

Clarke was totally zoned in on her ring and spaced out in general when the bathroom door opened and out came Bellamy in a cloud of steam. He had a white towel wrapped around his waist and looked damn good with his hair in messy wet curls.

"Morning, fiancée," he greeted her cheerfully.

"Morning," she said, turning over onto her back. He came to the side of the bed and started to lean down to kiss her, but she turned her head to the side and cautioned, "Oh, my breath probably stinks."

"I don't care," he said, planting a kiss on her anyway. He must have already brushed his teeth, because he tasted all minty.

"Early practice?" she asked, not bothering to get up as he began rummaging through the dresser drawer for his underwear.

"Early meeting," he said, unwrapping the towel and letting it fall to the floor.

"With who?" she asked, trying not to be distracted by her man's oh-so-sculpted backside. But good god, he was like one of those Renaissance statues.

"The athletic director," Bellamy replied as he tugged on a pair of black boxer briefs. "Apparently these new uniforms I wanna order cost too much money. But that's okay. I'll convince him they're worth it."

"Gotta be a smooth talker," she said.

"Yeah. I'm pretty smooth, right?"

"Sometimes. But sometimes you're a big dork," she teased.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah." It was okay, though. She loved that he had a dorky side.

"Big DILF, you mean," he corrected.

"That, too." She stretched out some more, feeling like today would be a good day for a lazy day, except now that she had Avery, she didn't have lazy days anymore. "So are you gonna tell your mom and Octavia today?" she inquired as he opened the next drawer to grab a pair of jeans.

"Tell 'em what?" he said. "Is there some big, life-changing news I'm supposed to share?"

She rolled her eyes in mock annoyance. "See? Dork."

Grinning, he stepped into his favorite, well-worn dark jeans. "Nah, I'll probably tell 'em today," he said. "What about you? You think you're gonna tell anyone?"

"Well, I'll definitely tell Raven." She'd already decided on that much. "But my mom has a surgery scheduled today. I might wait to tell her. We planned on going out for lunch tomorrow, so I could tell her then, show off the ring." She wriggled her fingers excitedly.

Bellamy looked a bit more nervous than excited when he mumbled, "You think she's gonna be happy for us?"

"Yeah." She'd been happy for her mom and Kane, so she figured she could at least expect the same amount of enthusiasm in return.

"'cause I know she's tryin' to be nicer, but . . ." He trailed off, tugged his pants all the way up, and muttered, "I just hope she's happy."

"She will be," Clarke assured him. "And so will my dad."

Bellamy froze with his hand on his zipper and swore, "Oh, shit. I didn't ask for his permission this time. Did I fuck up?"

Clarke couldn't help but laugh at his panic. "No. It's not like we're in the 1800s."

"But it's tradition," he groaned.

"Relax, I'm sure he's fine with it. He gave you permission the first time, right?"

"Right." He sighed.

"Everyone's gonna be excited for us," she told him. Although she wasn't counting Finn as part of the 'everyone.' If there was anyone who wouldn't be thrilled by the news, it'd probably be him.

"Not as excited as I am." Shirtless and still with droplets of water clinging to the ends of his hair, Bellamy climbed on top of her, covering her body up with his larger one, and said, "I can't wait to be your husband."

"You'll be a really good one," she predicted, grazing her fingers against his sides. "And I'll try to be an awesome wife."

He smiled down at her and said, "You already are."

Knowing that he already thought of her that way made her heart swell with pride, but she still couldn't wait to have the official title. "I'll be a Blake," she said, "like you and Avery."

"Clarke Blake." He made a face right after he tried out her new name. "Doesn't exactly roll off the tongue."

"Doesn't matter," she said. Even with a lot of girls choosing to hyphenate their last names these days, she didn't mind doing the more traditional thing and taking his. "You know what? When I was a junior, I remember spacing out during English class a lot that year, 'cause it was really easy."

He grunted. "Speak for yourself."

"Anyway I would doodle and draw a lot," she recalled. "And I had this notebook with Clarke Blake written on the front. With hearts and squiggles and everything."

"Hearts and squiggles?" he echoed.

"Yeah." She'd had to make sure to always leave that one at school in her locker, because if either of her parents had seen it, an argument would have ensued.

"And you call me a dork," he said.

"It's cheesy, I know, but . . . I was really missing you," she said. That had definitely been her least favorite year of high school, although none of them had ever been to compare to the one she'd spent with Bellamy. "So I would just sit there and daydream about you in class," she said, "wonder what you were doing."

"I think I was mostly . . . playing football," he said. "And missing you."

It was sort of sad to think how they'd both been going about their lives, both too scared to pick up the phone and call each other. And that one year had turned into five long ones. They'd missed out on half a decade together. "We're not gonna waste any more time now, are we?" she said.

"Not a second." He lowered his lips onto hers, kissing her slowly and sweetly, and her stomach fluttered with anticipation as she thought about how lucky she was to be able to wake up to this kind of kiss and this kind of guy every single day for the rest of her life.

...

Raven had on overalls and a bandana when she walked out of the auto body garage. She looked so 90s, but also so dressed for work. "Look who it is! There's my girl!" she exclaimed as she approached Avery with open arms.

"Wait a minute," Clarke said, angling the baby carrier away from her friend. "Are you greasy?"

Raven made a face. "Kind of."

"Then don't hold her. She just had a bath."

"Fine," Raven said with a disappointed sigh. "Oh, Avery, Avery . . . you're too clean for me." She bent down anyway and looked at the baby happily. "Aw, look at her cheeks. They're so chubby."

"I know. She just gets cuter and cuter every day." Clarke sat down on the edge of the sidewalk, because Avery's carrier wasn't exactly fun to hold, and Raven sat next to her, the baby in between.

"I bet she was the cutest one in the yoga class," Raven said.

"Well, I may be biased, but . . . yeah." Clarke popped a pacifier into Avery's mouth when she started to make sounds, the sounds that usually preceded a full on fit of crying, in hopes that that would keep her quiet. "So, what do you have lined up today?" she asked her friend, even though she really hadn't stopped by just to make small talk.

"Just work," Raven answered. "And then when I get done with work, I'm gonna go home and start my first summer class for grad school."

"Wow." Clarke had been so wrapped up in her own stuff that she'd totally forgotten that Raven was doing that. "Sounds hectic."

"Yeah, but it'll be good," Raven said. And of course she said that, because no academic rigor was ever too rigorous for her. She'd taken seven classes one semester without even breaking a sweat. "What about you?" she inquired.

"Oh, nothing much." Clarke brushed her hair away from her face, making sure to do so with her left hand. Just to show off the ring.

"No yoga?"

"Nope, not today." She randomly scratched at the side of her nose, even though it wasn't itchy, once again keeping the ring in full view.

"That's probably for the best," Raven said. "You don't wanna overload yourself on exercise."

"Right." Clarke tapped her fingers against her chin, not sure how much more obvious she could be.

"Besides, you're getting close to week six, right?" Raven grinned. "You know what that means."

"Mmm-hmm." If there wasn't something bigger to talk about, she would have gladly shared some of her anxiety with Raven about returning to sex. But that just wasn't as important as the diamond on her finger.

Raven remained oblivious as she kept on talking. "That's gotta be so hard to go that long without sex. I don't think I've gone that long without it since Zeke and I broke up. But even then, three months later, I met Murphy. And I know he doesn't look like he'd be that great in the sack, and sometimes I do tease him about it, but really, he's surprisingly-"

"Raven," Clarke cut in, literally face-palming. Again, with her left hand.

"What?"

Keeping her hand on her forehead, Clarke asked, "Don't you notice anything?"

Raven looked her over for a few seconds, then exclaimed, "Oh, yeah! You've totally lost some more weight."

"Raven!" She threw both her hands in the air, unable to even try to be subtle any longer, and then just wriggled her fingers on her left hand to be as obvious as possible.

Finally, even though it had taken an unusually long amount of time for Raven's mental lightbulb to click on, her eyes got wide, and she gasped, "Oh my god, I'm such an idiot! Clarke!" She let out an excited squeal and leaned over Avery's carrier to pull her into a hug. "Finally! Congratulations!"

"Thank you," Clarke said, hugging her as tightly as she could in such an awkward position, smiling from ear to ear. Congratulations really was such a nice word to hear.

After telling Raven, she went over to Monty and Harper's and told them. Bellamy was going to tell Miller, of course, after he told his mom and Octavia, and Clarke gave Raven permission to tell Murphy. She did end up waiting until the next day to tell her mom, and unlike Raven, her mother noticed the ring nearly the second she walked in the door.

"Oh, honey. It's beautiful," she said, holding Clarke's hand as she gazed down at it.

"Yeah, he did a good job," Clarke agreed. He'd gotten her a princess cut diamond. Of course.

"So he proposed in the kitchen?" her mom inquired.

"Well, technically." She was well aware that that didn't sound super romantic, but the way it had all come together actually kind of had been. "Then he re-proposed on the beach. With Avery. It was really cute."

"I see," her mom said, letting go of her hand. "Well, I'm not really surprised. Were you?"

She shrugged. "A little. It just came out of nowhere."

"Out of nowhere?" her mom echoed. "He already asked you once before."

"I know, but . . ." That didn't mean she'd anticipated him asking again so soon. "I guess I just assumed he'd need a lot more time to get back to this point. But I'm glad he didn't wait. I mean, I've been in love with him since the tenth grade. It's about time I marry him." It was crazy to think that she was actually marrying her high school sweetheart. That didn't happen for most girls.

"So what are you guys thinking about doing, a big wedding or a small ceremony?" her mother questioned.

"We haven't talked about it yet. This all just happened, you know."

"Well, I'm willing to help out however I can," her mom offered.

"Thanks." Clarke wasn't sure how much help she was going to want, because there was always the risk that her mom would try to take over the wedding-planning. But the woman definitely had connections in that town, so she could surely be of some assistance. "It's nice that you guys are . . . finally getting along," she said, glad that this announcement was being met with happiness instead of disdain.

"Well, I know I didn't make things easy," her mom acknowledged. "And I'm sure I'll never be his favorite person. But I've seen the way he loves you, and Avery, too, and . . . I can't imagine anyone else ever making you happier."

Because no one ever will, Clarke thought. Bellamy Blake was it for her. And he had been for a long time. "I love you, Mom," she said, giving her mother a hug. Things were finally starting to feel . . . easier in her family.

"I love you, too, Clarke," her mom said tearfully. When she pulled back from the embrace, she quickly wiped at her eyes. "Oh, we need to celebrate," she decided. "What're you doing for dinner tonight?"

...

Bellamy was amazed how quickly his future mother-in-law could throw together a dinner. Abby had these insane domestic skills in addition to her medical prowess. She could go from wearing scrubs to wearing an apron without skipping a beat, and she ended up preparing an entire three course meal in the time span of a single afternoon. The most impressive thing to him was the sheer quantity of it all. It was enough to feed not only himself, Clarke, Kane, and Abby, but also his mom, Octavia, Jake, and Alyssa. Everyone had dropped their evening plans and shown up to celebrate. And even though Avery was still the center of attention, because she was always the center of attention, Clarke got to be the center of attention, too. All the women wanted to see the ring. And her dad took her outside and had what looked like a pretty heartfelt and emotional talk with her, one that ended in a huge hug with both of them crying. Every tear was a happy tear, though. Not the other kind.

By the time they all got seated at the table, Bellamy was ready to dive right into the meal, but Jake stood up, raised his glass, and announced, "I'd like to propose a toast before we get started."

"Here we go," Clarke mumbled, and Bellamy smirked. They'd be hearing lots of congratulatory toasts from people these next few . . . months? Weeks? However long it ended up taking to get Clarke down the aisle.

"To Clarke and Bellamy," Jake said. "What you share . . ." His eyes glazed over for a moment, and he seemed to swallow a lump in his throat before he continued. "I feel like it's made our family whole again," he said, his voice wavering a bit. "We're certainly a bigger family than we used to be. We've expanded." He looked down at Alyssa as he said that, and nodded in Kane's direction, too. "But we're all here tonight because of you two," he said. "I'm so glad my daughter's found someone who loves her unconditionally, because it's what she deserves. And it's what I've always wanted for her. So . . ." Trailing off, raising his glass higher, he repeated, "To Clarke and Bellamy."

"To Clarke and Bellamy," everyone else repeated, doing the same.

Bellamy reached over and put his hand on top of Clarke's giving it a squeeze.

On the other side of him, his sister snorted and said, "Damn. I never knew you were so cool."

"Cooler than you," he shot back, making a face.

"You wish."

Their mother sighed, resigned to their juvenile arguments by now, and said, "Oh, Clarke, do you see what you're marrying into?"

"Oh, I love it," Clarke said. "I never had a sibling to bicker and banter with."

Octavia didn't hesitate to ask, "Is Avery gonna have one?"

Everyone immediately fell quiet, so quiet they could've heard a pin drop.

"Yeah," Clarke answered. "Someday."

Bellamy couldn't hold back an excited grin. Yeah, that was gonna be awesome, expanding the family even more, giving Avery a brother or sister who would probably have freckles like him.

"You guys probably aren't thinking that far ahead right now," Abby said as she began to pass the food around.

Kind of am, Bellamy thought. But it was easier for him to think about that stuff than it was for Clarke. She was still recovering.

"No, we've got more pressing concerns," Clarke said. "Like planning a wedding."

"Figuring out what food we're gonna serve," he added.

"Finding a venue," she went on. "And my dress."

"And the food decisions."

"And figuring out who we're gonna invite." She sighed dramatically.

"But the food thing . . ." He wasn't letting up on that.

"Wait, what? Why is this your top priority?" she asked.

"It's what everyone always remembers most about the wedding, if the food was good or not. And speaking of good food . . ." He lifted up a heavy casserole dish and scooped some first onto his fiancée's plate, then onto his.

"And here I thought everyone would remember our touching, heartfelt vows," she joked.

"Oh, yeah, those, too." He already had lots of ideas for what he wanted to say. "We're gonna write those ourselves, by the way," he told their family.

"That'll be nice," Kane said.

"Yeah. Mine are gonna be awesome," he couldn't help but boast.

"Yeah, I gotta measure up to Mr. Speech-giver here." Clarke playfully rolled her eyes.

"Good luck," he teased. But he was definitely just giving her a hard time. Hers would be good, too. Clarke used to write some songs back in the day. She knew what she was doing. Or maybe she didn't. Maybe neither one of them did. After all, it wasn't like either of them had written wedding vows before.

"Well, I think it's great you guys are doing it that way," Octavia said. "That's what Lincoln and I are gonna do."

"Many years down the road." Leaning over to Clarke, he whispered, "Don't toss the bouquet to her."

"Oh, I won't," Clarke assured him.

At the other end of the table, Abby said, "I think we're just gonna do the traditional vows, aren't we, Marcus?"

"I think so," he said.

"Nothing wrong with that," his mom piped up. "They're tradition for a reason. Those will be good, too."

Bellamy watched his mom for a moment, wondering if she'd ever get the chance to write vows, or at least repeat them after a minister said them. Everyone at that table had someone, except for her, and it wasn't fair that she was still alone. She was a really great person, inspired the hell out of him, and he wanted her to find someone, too.

He couldn't dwell on it too long, because the food kept getting passed around, and the conversation kept evolving. "Just think, Clarke," Abby said, "we could end up going dress shopping together."

Bellamy could tell by the forced smile on Clarke's face that she didn't love that idea. "That'd be . . . something." She probably just wanted to go with her friends since they had more of a similar style.

"Oh, speaking of dresses, what color are the bridesmaids' dresses gonna be?" Octavia asked eagerly. "I look best in black."

"Octavia!" his mother hissed.

"What? I'm gonna be a bridesmaid. She already told me."

"Yeah, it's gonna be her and Raven and Harper," Clarke revealed. "Kind of a no-brainer. But I have no idea on the color."

"Not black," Bellamy said. That was for funerals.

"Yeah, not black," Clarke agreed. "Raven wants red, Harper wants pink . . . so we'll see what we end up with. Right, babe?"

"Hey, it's up to you," he said. If it didn't have a taste or an aroma, he didn't have much of an opinion on it. "You're the boss."

Jake chuckled and told him, "You sound like a married man already."

"I feel like one," he said, smiling. And it wasn't a bad feeling, either. In every way that mattered, he and Clarke were practically already married. The wedding was just going to make it official.

...

The dinner had been a nice way to celebrate, for sure, but Clarke was still eager to get home. The night was no longer young, but it also wasn't . . . over.

"Well . . . that was fun tonight," she said to Bellamy as they crossed the upstairs hall from Avery's room to theirs.

"Yeah, it was," he agreed, setting his car keys down on the dresser. "I'm glad to be home, though."

"Why?" she asked. "Are you tired?"

He stretched, twisted his torso to his side, and admitted, "A little bit."

She knew that, after a full day of work and a family dinner, he probably could have lain down and fallen asleep in minutes. Hell, she could have, too. But she wasn't going to. "Too tired?" she asked pointedly.

Freezing in mid-stretch, he gave her an intrigued look and asked, "Too tired for what?"

She smiled at him flirtatiously and felt a blush spread to her cheeks. "You know what today was?" she said, swaying towards him.

He waited a moment, then answered, "Wednesday?"

"Oh, come on. You know." She stopped right in front of him and put her hands on his chest. He'd worn such a nice button-up shirt tonight, and it looked so good on him. It'd look even better off him, though.

"Oh, you mean . . . the end of week six," he said slowly. "Avery's six weeks old."

"Yep."

"And that means . . . if we wanted to, we could . . . do something."

She scrunched his shirt up in her hands. "Yeah, we could do something."

He grinned, definitely more awake and lively than he'd been just seconds ago. "So are you saying you want to?"

"Well, I've thought about it," she said. "And I feel like my sex drive is back. It's just . . . I'm still not completely one-hundred percent loving the way my body looks."

"I'm loving it," he said, his hands sliding up and down her sides.

"I know. But I'm still a little self-conscious." Even with her clothes on, she worried about what she . . . felt like. Once they were off, she was definitely going to worry about what she looked like. "But I still wanna . . ." She wasn't about to let her insecurities take this away from them, so she came right out and affirmatively said it. "Yeah, I wanna have sex again."

"Tonight?" he asked.

"No, next week," she joked.

Apparently he thought she was serious, because his whole facial expression just fell. "Oh."

"I'm kidding!" she exclaimed. "Yes, tonight." They probably had a couple or hours until Avery woke up again. Even if they just did it once, that'd be enough. "You up for it?" she asked teasingly.

"Oh, I'm up," he assured her, and since she figured he had to be referencing an erection, she slid one hand down and grabbed his package. "Fuck, Clarke," he swore as his hips instinctively pressed forward into her hand. "Are we really doing this?"

"Yeah." They'd done it countless times before. It didn't have to be some huge deal. Although . . . it kind of was, wasn't it? Even if this hadn't been the first time they'd decided to sleep together since their relationship had hit its biggest obstacles, she'd still pushed a freaking baby out of her body. Having sex again after all of that wasn't something to take lightly. "Just . . . go slow, okay?" she asked him. "It might feel a little different."

He nodded, offering her all the reassurance she needed in that moment without even saying a word. She felt safe with Bellamy, always had. When he had his hands on her, she knew he would take care of her and do everything he could to make it feel amazing. It'd been that way ever since they'd started this whole thing, ever since her first time.

He got really soft and sweet with her as they began to undress each other. Her fingers fumbled a bit with the buttons on his shirt, but his just easily slipped beneath the thin straps of her summery dress to caress her shoulders. She'd already removed his shirt by the time he lifted her dress up and over her head, and although she was completely transfixed by his broad, defined chest, he was the one who complimented her appearance when he whispered, "Look at you."

Her breath hitched, and for a second, she pictured herself back in his old bedroom, a virgin getting ready to do this for the first time. Not because she was in love. Not back then. But because she'd simply wanted to. Now, it wasn't just want; it was love. She felt it deep in her core, and it was coming off of him in waves. It was in the way his eyes roamed all over her, in the way his hands smoothed down her arms, over her hips, and around her back.

He knew exactly what he was doing as he let his fingers crawl up her spine to reach the clasp of her bra. Like a master, he unhooked it, and she let it fall from her shoulders. That particular part of her body was probably feeling the least sexy of all, so she moved in close to him and pressed her chest to his instead of letting him stand there and get a better look. He didn't question it, instead encircling his arms around her as he bent his head down and kissed her.

How many times have we kissed? she wondered. It had to be thousands, at least. Hundreds of thousands. And it was incredible every single time.

"What're we gonna do about, uh . . . you know, protection?" he murmured against her lips as she snaked her hands down in between them to begin removing his jeans.

"It's fine," she told him.

That quick reassurance caused him to pull back and give her a confused look. "What? But I—I thought it was . . . someday. I thought Avery was gonna have a sibling someday, not so soon. Not that I'd mind, but . . ."

"No, it's fine because I'm breastfeeding," she explained, pulling his pants down. "It's like nature's birth control for the first six months. As long as I keep doing it regularly."

He looked surprised to hear that, almost as surprised as she'd been to find out that it could be so . . . beneficial. "Oh," he said.

"Yeah. I talked to Dr. Jackson about it." She pulled his underwear down, too, delighted by the sight of his hardened cock as it leapt out of its confines.

"So I really don't need to wear a-"

"No." Besides, they were getting married now. Condoms weren't really a married thing.

"Okay." Eagerly, he stepped out of his jeans and underwear.

"Wow, you took so much convincing," she noted sarcastically.

He smirked, shrugging. "I like to feel you."

She had to remember to breathe when he said stuff like that, because he made it sound so fucking smoldering, and it literally made her feel like her knees were week. "I like to feel you, too," she said, lifting her knee up to brush against his cock. "Mmm," she moaned. That felt good.

Once again, he put his arms around her, but this time, his hands dove down into the back of her underwear, giving her ass a good squeeze. "You're so sexy," he whispered in her ear before he began to kiss her jaw and the side of her neck.

An excited tingle zipped through her, making her toes curl into the carpet, because she remembered him saying that to her during their first time, too. Was he doing the blast-from-the-past thing on purpose, or was it just an erotic coincidence?

She was so caught up in the way his mouth was sucking on her skin that she didn't even realize her panties were off until all she felt on her backside were his large, calloused hands. Bellamy had a way of doing that, distracting her so much with kisses that she didn't even realize he was getting her completely naked.

He backed her up towards the bed, helping her lie down carefully, and he crawled on top of her with a passionate look in his eyes. His brown irises always got a little darker when they made love. Or fucked. Either one, really. He just got so into it.

Naturally, as he situated himself on top of her, one of his hands came up to cup her breasts. It was typical for him to pay a lot of attention to them, and normally, she would have enjoyed it. But with their infant daughter using them as a food source, she had all sorts of worries about what might come out if they got too stimulated. "Not too much there," she told him.

"Oh, sorry," he apologized, withdrawing his hand.

"It's okay." This was . . . sort of a first. For both of them. Some things were going to be more comfortable to her than others.

"I guess I'll just have to . . . focus my efforts elsewhere," he said, grinning as he slid down the bed a bit. He lowered his head and dropped a trail of kisses onto her stomach, traveling further downward as he gently urged her legs apart.

Oh, she wanted it, no doubt about that. Bellamy's oral sex technique was a wondrous and remarkable thing, one she felt privileged to have experienced more times than she could count. But concerns about her own body still plagued her, so she closed her thighs and said, "Wait a minute," before he could begin.

"Waiting," he said, his face hovering close to her pussy.

She squirmed, wishing she didn't feel self-conscious about anything at all. "Everything's just a little . . . different down there."

"Alright," he said. Almost as if he didn't think it was any big deal.

"No, I mean . . ." As much as she would have loved to do that with him, she felt like they needed to work their way up to it. "Just touch me," she told him.

"Okay," he said, still totally understanding as he sat back on his knees. Once again, he pulled her legs apart, and she closed her eyes, cringing inwardly. It felt really different down there. In fact, she was pretty sure it'd never be the same.

As he began to stroke his thumb up and down her slit, he asked, "How's that feel?"

It felt good, of course, but she'd done enough reading on sex after pregnancy to know that they were going to need a little help to get slickened up. "I think . . . you have to use a little lube," she told him, feeling slightly bad because that wasn't normal for them. "I'm turned on, I promise. It's just . . . it's harder to get wet."

"Oh. Okay." He slowly withdrew his hand.

"Just 'cause of the breastfeeding. Not because of you," she assured him. Everything he was doing was good and felt good. Her body just had a different way of reacting right now.

As he crawled over to the side of the bed and opened up the nightstand drawer, he mumbled, "Do we even have anything besides anal lube?"

"Yes. You just have to look for it." She reached down to touch herself a bit while he looked for it, but that didn't feel nearly as good as him touching her, so there was no way that was going to get her any wetter. She gave up quickly and said, "Sorry this isn't more sensual and romantic."

"No, don't apologize," he said, finally locating the lube. "I'm havin' a great time." He squirted some directly onto his dick and rubbed it around.

"Really?" She couldn't help but wonder if he was secretly annoyed by all these little changes.

He gave her a look and motioned to his crotch. "Clarke."

Well, that did speak for itself, didn't it? He wouldn't have been so obviously turned on if any of this was annoying him. "Okay, I believe you," she said, rubbing her thighs together wantonly.

Bellamy got right back into position, bottle of lube now in hand, and smeared it all over her pussy, even on the inside of her legs. That made things feel a lot more normal when he began touching her again, first softly, and then a bit more insistently.

"Does that feel better?" he asked.

"Oh, yeah." When he put a finger inside her, she was relieved that she still felt it. It wasn't like having a baby had completely dulled sensation there. And Bellamy, with his big fingers . . . damn, he knew just how to twist and turn them to get her going. And he knew exactly how to rub her clit to get her worked up even more.

"Oh . . ." she moaned, clutching at the pillow beneath her head. It hadn't just been six weeks since she'd felt this. More like eight. And even though she'd been thinking about it and even dreaming about it a couple of times, she hadn't realized just how much she'd wanted it until now. And this wasn't even . . . it. At least not all of it. By her fiancé's standards, this was just the pre-show.

"You like that?" he asked, grinning down at her. Even with the beard and the twenty-four years of manliness on his face, he still had that same flirty look in his eyes that he'd had when he'd done this to her back in high school.

"Yeah," she breathed out. God, the public restroom blowjob the other night had been exhilarating, but being the one to receive the pleasure felt so long overdue. "I want you to fuck me, Bellamy," she said suddenly, her words tumbling out on top of one another.

He stopped what he was doing with his hands and asked, "You sure?"

For a second, she once again thought back to the night he'd taken her virginity. When he'd asked her that same question. And just as she'd done back then, she nodded wordlessly.

Carefully, he crawled on top of her, holding himself up on one arm, using his other hand to guide his cock right to her entrance. Is it gonna hurt? she wondered. For the first time in a long time, she wasn't sure what it was going to feel like.

She saw flickers of that senior in high school on top of her as he said exactly what he'd said to her back then: "Just tell me if you need me to stop."

Stop? She needed him to start. Just to make that clear, she tried to push her hips up into him. He laughed a little, held onto his cock as he guided the tip of it inside her, then let go and pushed in further. Not all the way, but enough to stretch her. Enough where, if this would have been their first time, she would have probably cried out, and a few tears would have seeped from her eyes. But despite the overwhelming sense of déjà vu, it didn't hurt. And more importantly even than that, it felt . . . the same. Familiar. Bellamy was back inside her, and she couldn't imagine any better feeling in the world.

He moved slowly at first, mostly just his hips, and kissed her lovingly and tenderly, almost as if to distract her from any discomfort she may have felt. But when it became clear to him that her body was willingly accepting him, that she wasn't in any pain whatsoever, he began to thrust more fervently. His entire torso started sliding against hers, his chest, his stomach. And it got to the point where he began breathing so heavily that he had to tear his mouth away from hers and press it into her neck instead. He panted hotly against her skin, and she dug her head back into the pillow, fighting to haul in enough breath of her own.

"Oh, yeah," she moaned, spurring him on. His cock felt so good in her, and his whole body felt so good and heavy on top of hers. The faster he moved, the slicker his skin became. He was sweating. And he'd gone non-verbal, which typically meant that he was really into it.

She really wanted to cum, so she wrapped her legs around him and pressed her heels into his ass, trying to let him know that she wanted him deeper. And he got the hint, because his next few thrusts hit differently. Not quite bottoming out, but still pretty far in. He was really doing her.

When he started to groan and make all sorts of noises of his own, she knew he was close. And just the thought of him spilling himself inside her made her whole body tighten up. The good kind of tight, the kind that released itself seconds later and made her feel like she was flying. Her orgasm surged through every limb and every fiber of her body, from her toes to the tips of her fingers, and it seemed to trigger the same reaction in Bellamy. His whole body tensed atop hers, and his hips jerked forward spastically as he came. When he was done, his skin was drenched with his exertion, and he was breathing so hard that he couldn't say anything. He tried to hold himself up, though, instead of collapsing on top of her, even though that was probably all he wanted to do.

"Oh, god, Bellamy . . ." she breathed, tangling one hand in his sweat-soaked hair. In that moment, she wasn't sure where he ended and she began. Maybe because they weren't two separate people when they made love like this. There was no him, no her anymore. Only them.