Disclaimer: I only own the plot and my OCs. Anything you recognize as not mine belongs to Marvel Studios, Disney, and/or their otherwise respective owners.
Author's Notes: So I try to not ask this of my readers because my A/N's can be incredibly long clusterfucks, but please for the love of all that's holy, read this before you read the story. Believe me, you'll thank yourself later, in more ways than one.
First of all, this story is the darkest one I have written so far and probably one of the darkest I ever will. Like, outside of four or so chapters it's not going to be feasible for me to CW each chapter, so I'm just going to straight-up say this story contains violence, gore, character death, suicidal ideation, suicide attempts, and references to past CSA. The last one in particular is concerning to me because of how prevalent it is and the non-graphic, but honest way Penny talks about it and its effects on her way of thinking. So if you have to stop reading, I understand. Just don't be mean, because not everyone copes the same way to any type of SA and this is how I feel most comfortable writing it.
Secondly, if you're confused about this prologue, it's probably because we're beginning in medias res. This is technically chapter 29 of 32 in the lineup, but it is necessary to post this one first, and you'll see why. Thirdly, this fic will have weekly updates, except for this week. This is not up for debate; I might have 18/32 chapters written so far (though not in order), but I need time to work on other things to prevent burnout and time to plan/write the sequel. Yes, there will be a sequel.
If you're still here, great! Sorry for the length of the A/N; I'm going to try and to keep 'em shorter now for my multi-chaps. Anyways, I hope you enjoy, and since I decided I was going to be nice and post this chapter a day early, the next one will be posted tomorrow! Until then,
~TGWSI/Selene Borealis
Alternative Chapter Title(s): waiting for love (as in the Avicii song, and yes I've named all the chapter titles and the title of the fic itself after songs, don't at me)
~the heavy souls 'verse~
~heavy, dirty soul~
~prologue~
The month that followed was undoubtedly the most painful one of Tony's entire life.
It seemed almost funny to admit to as much – funny in a sad, ironic sort of way, not funny in a ha, ha sort of way – even though it was nevertheless true. After all, objectively speaking, he had been through worse. He had literally been tortured in Afghanistan. He had almost died from palladium poisoning. He had spent months dealing with the PTSD from both of those things plus the Battle of New York, which had effectively ruined his and Pepper's romantic relationship before it had even started. And he had spent the past year looking for a daughter he hadn't even known about the existence of until it was too late, and then dealing with the depression both it and his and Steve's breakup – if you could call it that – caused him. Yes, objectively speaking, he had been through worse.
But, Tony was not a patient man. Afghanistan, the palladium poisoning, and etcetera, he hadn't needed patience with them. With the first two, he'd been so certain that he was going to die there was no hope in trying to be patient. And with the rest, he had been able to actively do something, even if it had wound up biting him in the ass in the end. He hadn't needed patience then.
But he needed it now, and it was agony, because again, Tony was not a patient man.
Every time he closed his eyes, he could still see her in his mind. Penny Parker, his daughter. It felt like he'd only seen her for all of five minutes, and yet he could vividly remember her curly, messy bob of dark brown hair. Her wide, dark brown eyes. Her pale skin, and the – don't think about that, don't think about that, don't think about that!
It was all his fault, he knew, because for a genius, he could be a real fucking idiot sometimes. He'd failed her, three times. He should've found her sooner. He should've realized that she, Spider-Woman, and...her were all the same person, sooner, and not said the things he had. And he should've been there when she had woken up, to prevent her from running away.
Because now she was gone, and here he was, having to be patient while Clint, instead of him, tracked her down.
Sighing, Tony set down his glass of single malt scotch and ran a hand through his hair as he stared at the hologram projector in front of him, depicting one of the many projects he was supposed to be working on but couldn't find the focus within him to do so. He supposed that this month hadn't been as bad as it could've been. At least he had answers now, somewhat, though they scraped at his soul and practically screamed how horrible of a person he was at him. At least he had seen her, alive, though for a while – nope, don't think about that, either!
Not for the first time since their breakup, Tony wished Steve was still here with him. It wasn't even in a romantic way; he just needed his optimism and unique way of putting things into perspective. God knew how much Rhodey, Natasha, Matt, May, and Pepper had been trying to do the same for the past month, but they just weren't enough. Nothing was enough, or would be, not until Clint came back with Penny, though he had no idea when that would be. The spies were never as good with updates as the rest of them (were) had been.
Grimacing, Tony grabbed his glass of scotch again and brought it to his lips.
Just before he could drink from it, however, FRIDAY spoke up. "Boss, Ms. Romanoff and Ms. Potts would like you to know that dinner is ready," she informed him softly, because of course he had to program an AI who was entirely too knowledgable about his emotions.
"Alright, FRI. Let them know I'll be up in a minute," he muttered.
"Ms. Romanoff would like to add that if you, 'do not come upstairs right now, I will come down and drag you back up here myself,'" FRIDAY replied after a pause. "And to remind you that alcohol is not allowed at the dinner table."
Tony snorted but didn't bother to try and argue, knowing Natasha would be all too willing to be true to her word. Instead, setting down his glass, he turned off the projector and headed over to the elevator. Wordlessly, FRIDAY opened the doors to it for him, and when he walked inside, shut them and sent it up to the Avengers communal floor. The ride was fast, fast enough that it only took a couple of seconds, and yet not fast enough. As despite the silence, he could hear the two words which had haunted him for the past month in both his sleep and his waking moments, the ones which still shook him to his very soul.
"S – sorry, Dad."
...God, he really needed the rest of that drink.
But, also of course, that wasn't in the cards for him. Not tonight. All too soon, the doors to the elevator were opening, revealing the living room/dining room combo of the communal floor. Everyone else was already there, naturally; Natasha and Pepper were in the process of putting the food on the table, with Laura – the Bartons had been staying ever since Clint had gone off on his "mission" – nursing at the table. She was smiling, laughing as she said something about "not having to cook," but he barely paid attention to her as his eyes roamed over to the couches. Harley, Cooper, and Lila were all sitting there, playing MarioKart, while Rhodey, Happy, and May were talking while watching them. Matt was talking with them as well, his hand ghosting over the claw marks on his arm. They'd scarred over now and looked a little grisly – not that the blind bastard would care about that.
Looking at them, something awful tugged at Tony's heart. The absence of Penny was so obvious; he could imagine her now, sitting right next to Harley, a tentative smile gracing her features. Or maybe she would be sitting at the table instead, since by all accounts she wasn't one for large groups of people. He didn't know, not really.
(Because he didn't know her. That much was obvious to him.)
Matt was the one to notice him first, his head tilting instinctively towards him. It was May, though, who said something first as her eyes flitted over to his, locking onto them. The wrinkles around her eyes crinkled, a bittersweet smile appearing on her face as she pushed herself up off of the couch she was sitting on and walked over to him, her hand brushing up against his arm. "Merry Christmas," she told him quietly.
"It's not Christmas yet," he retorted, his lips quirking in a way that was entirely too self-depreciative, however earned it was.
"Merry Christmas Eve, then," she corrected.
He had another retort ready for that, too, but he decided not to use it as she led him over to the table, like he was an old man or something. In place of it, he chose to send a glare at Natasha, who merely looked back at him with a raised eyebrow. "I thought you said dinner was ready, Natashalie."
"What does this look like to you?" she bit back, gesturing to the spread in front of them. Then, in an admitting way, she added, "Besides, I was pretty sure I was going to have to go downstairs and get you, anyways."
...Okay, so maybe she had a point there.
Damn triple agent, he thought while he sat down.
"Dinner's ready," Pepper called out at the same time.
FRIDAY paused the game on the TV, causing the three kids to groan but nevertheless scamper over to the table. Well. Cooper and Lila scampered over and Harley followed after them; the poor kid had quite the prominent set of bruises underneath his eyes, and Tony couldn't help but internally wince in sympathy. He had never been one for sleeping, and the past month of nightmares and impatient waiting had only exacerbated the issue.
"Get – get away from me!"
Rhodey, Happy, and Matt trailed behind the kids, before they all took their seats. Since Tony was sitting at the head of the table, the one which sat facing the windows instead of the elevator, Rhodey sat to his right, and May to his left. The others all sat in a weird sort of mess past them, not that he cared. No, all he cared about was the fact that, despite there being thirteen – fourteen, if you counted the plate for Nathaniel – places set, there were only eleven people at the table.
All he cared about was the fact that it was Christmas Eve, the so-called "most magical time of the year," and his daughter still wasn't home.
"This all looks wonderful, Natasha, Pepper," May said, complimenting their chefs. She was always, not optimistic, per se, but certainly upbeat; he liked that about her, even if it hadn't been all that soothing on his soul for the past month. She was certain that Penny would come home, that Clint would find her.
Then again, she hadn't seen what he had seen. She hadn't done what he had done.
Pepper smiled. "Well, it's not all that often I get to cook," she replied, before her eyes darted over to him. "Although, I couldn't possibly imagine a reason for why that is."
Tony knew what she was trying to do: she was trying to bait him, get his mind off of the obvious. And he appreciated it, really. It just wasn't working. Not today, and not for the past month.
Still, he let out a halfhearted scoff, and reminded her that, "You accepted the position, Ms. Potts."
Her smile turned into a smirk. "Only because you wouldn't take 'no' for an answer, Mr. Stark."
Down the table, he saw Natasha's lips twitch in mild amusement.
The dinner was nice. For all of the stereotypes that high-power people weren't able to cook, Pepper (and Natasha, he supposed) defied them, even if she was right in how she wasn't able to cook that often. And even if the food, which he would've been able to enjoy under any other circumstance, tasted like ash in his mouth. Whatever. He deserved it.
He didn't really participate in any of the conversations, though they washed over him like a wave. Rhodey and May were talking about her charity work with the FEAST program, which she had recently started volunteering for. Pepper and Happy were discussing something work-related which he had a feeling he should probably know about, but didn't thanks to the endless spiral he had been going through for the past month. The kids were chatting about the new Harry Potter But Not™ movie which had just come out. And Natasha, Matt, and Laura were speaking about...something, he wasn't quite sure about what, and nor did he care to try and find out.
"But she's my friend!"
" – ssert?" Pepper asked him. He could tell by the tone of her voice, that she was asking him.
Tony blinked. "What?"
Next to him, Rhodey snorted, as did most of the table. "Told you he wasn't listening," his best friend said, although there was a touch of concern in his eyes that made Tony feel all too uncomfortable.
"Do you want dessert?" Pepper repeated. "Matt made fruitcake – "
"It's probably inedible," Matt interjected with a grimace, causing everyone else to laugh.
" – pumpkin pie, apple pie, chess pie – "
"Homemade by Mama Keener," Harley reminded them all with a tired grin.
Cooper and Lila gave him twin smiles in response.
" – and ice cream," Pepper finished, with an added glare at the two guilty parties who had interrupted her. Both of them smiled back at her, which was still kind of creepy when it came to Matt, even after all this time. He should not have been able to detect her glare. Blind bastard.
At the thought of eating more food, Tony's stomach twisted, for more reasons than one.
"That all sounds great," he said. "But I'm – "
Abruptly, he stopped.
Partly, it was because of how Matt's head suddenly snapped up then, tilting in the direction of the elevator, a look of shock spreading across his face. Partly, it was because of how, a moment after that, he heard the distinctive ding! of the elevator and its doors opening, even though nobody else should've had access and FRIDAY should've alerted him to any possible visitors coming up. And partly, it was because as soon as he heard the doors to the elevator open, he watched as shock rippled across the faces of every other person in the room as well, even Natasha's.
But mostly, it was because of a sudden tingling that Tony felt at the base of his neck, a shiver which went down his spine. It was like all of the paternal instincts that had failed him for the past year had suddenly arrived, with the force of a typhoon to make up for the time lost. Spinning around in his chair, he turned, eyes already widening, and –
"Guess who I found in San Francisco?" Clint announced with a smirk on his face as he and Penny, his daughter Penny, walked out of the elevator.
Because there she was, standing in front of him for the first time in a month, with the thermos he had made for her clutched in her hands and a black bag hefted on her left shoulder. Her face was thin, terrifyingly thin, gaunt, hollow, and her eyes were wide as she looked at them and they at her, her teeth worrying her bottom lip nervously.
For a moment, they all stood or sat there, staring at each other. Like idiots.
"Erm...hi?" Penny said at last.
The effect of her words was like a spell being broken. Vaguely, he could hear Cooper and Lila shout out, "Dad!" as they shot to their feet and hurried over to him, with Clint grinning as he welcomed them with open arms. He could also hear Harley say something, and May, and Rhodey, and Pepper. And everyone else, really. It was a cacophony of noise, of disbelief, of relief.
But Tony couldn't think about any of that as he shakily got to his feet, his legs feeling like worse than jelly underneath him. He walked forwards, his body pushing himself with the instinctual need to move, until he was standing right in front of his daughter. Their eyes locked, dark brown meeting dark brown, and it was as if an eternity passed in the span of a single second.
"Penny," he breathed, putting every single emotion he had felt for the past year into that one single word, her name, because all of the first words he had spent reciting to himself had vanished from his mind. They were gone, just like that. And also, wasn't going to touch her. He knew better than to do so. "Oh thank God, Penny."
Her face crumpled. Blinking back tears, she sniffled, and let her bag fall off her shoulder and down onto the floor. "I'm sorry, Dad," she said, as if she had anything to apologize for. He was the one at fault here, not her. "I'm just – I'm so sorry."
It was almost funny, how Tony didn't realize everyone was leaving the room until Clint walked past Penny. "You can do this," he told her softly, a smile resting on his face.
Hesitantly, she gave him a smile back.
After the uproar had died down, both Penny and Clint had taken their seats at the table, chairs having been moved aside and people having moved around until Penny had been sitting in between May and Harley and Clint had been sitting next to his wife. Questions had been thrown at her over dessert, dozens of them, from everyone, which she had seemed more than a little overwhelmed trying to answer.
(Yes, she was fine. Yes, she had been safe. Yes, she had really fled all the way to San Francisco. No, she wasn't hungry – this last one, she had replied to Pepper with a bit of a smirk before the CEO had realized the obvious problem there and flushed. And etcetera.)
She'd also been introduced to May, for the first time. "You must be my Aunt May," she had said with a nervous smile as she sat down next to the woman. "It's, uh, nice to finally meet you. Mom talked about you, in her, um – "
May had let out a half-laugh, half-sob as she had nodded eagerly. "Yep, I'm your Aunt May," she had confirmed. "It's nice to finally meet you."
Penny's smile had turned a touch more genuine at that. "It's nice to finally meet you, too."
But now they were here, and as Clint and his family disappeared behind the doors of the elevator, it was just the six of them, sitting at the table. He'd been so invested in Penny, he'd never even realized that Pepper, Rhodey, and Happy had left. Huh.
As if realizing the same thing, Harley slowly got to his feet, his face reddening. "I'll, uh, just – yeah – "
Only, the voice of Penny had him sitting back down in his seat again. "Stay," she murmured to him, her tone showing it was a request, and not an order.
Tony didn't think he had ever seen the kid sit down so fast before.
Fidgeting, Penny clasped and unclasped her hands, her teeth at her lip again. "I need to tell you everything," she said.
Matt frowned, while May shook her head.
It was Natasha, though, who spoke, her voice firm, but also understanding. "You don't need to tell us anything, Penny. You have nothing to explain, or to apologize for."
Penny shook her head. "No. No, I do. You all deserve to know the truth, about everything," she insisted, and then her eyes were trailing over to look at him, begging, pleading. "And I need you to understand. So, please, just listen."
She was asking for permission, he realized. Her words may have been framed as a demand, but she was really askingthem if they would listen to her. She didn't know if they would actually want to hear what she had to say.
Tony felt his mouth go dry at the thought.
"Alright," he agreed, even though he very much didn't want to. Not because he didn't want to listen to her, or at least not for the reasons she probably thought; far from it. He just...he didn't know.
How were you supposed to act around the daughter you were just now meeting for the second time? The same daughter you had only known the existence of for about a year?
"You can talk," he continued, ignoring how Natasha sent a withering glare at him in response. "But my back is going to kill me if I sit in this chair much longer. Let's move over to the couches."
Harley snorted, but didn't say anything as they all walked over to where he and the elder two Barton kids had been playing MarioKart just a few hours prior. The kid threw himself down onto one of the couches, with May sitting down right next to him. Matt and Natasha sat opposite them, and Tony took one of the two armchairs in the room.
After gazing at them all for a moment, tentative, unsure, Penny set the thermos down in the middle of the coffee table before she grabbed the other armchair and moved it so that she was facing all of them. She sat down in it, her legs moving so they were crisscross-applesauce in style, and although it was a fairly open position, she seemed to curl in on herself. Like she was fully expecting them to attack her or something, whether it be with their fists or their words.
Suddenly, Tony regretted ever telling her that she could talk so soon. He should have waited for the night at least, so that she could get settled. Probably even longer than that. It wasn't like they were in any rush, now that she was home, and safe.
But, the words had been said and he wasn't going to take them back. So, giving her the most encouraging expression he could, he waited. They waited.
They didn't have to wait for long. Sucking in a deep breath, Penny closed her eyes. "I don't know where else to start, so I'm just going to start at the beginning. The very beginning," she said, her voice low yet still loud enough for them all to hear. "And, uh, that's when..."
And so she began to talk.
She didn't stop for a long, long time.
Word Count: 3,511
Next Chapter Title: we're no one
