I wanted to post this yesterday but then I had a thought and needed to edit it a bunch more. And then it got longer than I want one chapter to be in this fic so I broke it into two pieces; that second piece will be up later today (I hope).
CHAPTER 11
Kiss the Rain - Yiruma
Roxanne taps her fingernails twice on the door before she opens it. She doesn't want to wake Megamind up, but she also doesn't want to startle him if he's already awake.
He isn't. He's asleep, with his hard-light mask in place. Minion stirs as Roxanne closes the door behind her.
"Miss Ritchi?" he whispers. The gorilla exosuit is sitting on the floor under the window, and Minion himself is wedged into a sort of castle in his dome, blinking at her.
"I can't," Roxanne whispers back. "Minion, I can't stay out there while he's in here, hurt. I can't."
"But—"
"Enough," she tells him, moving toward the bed. "Go to sleep, Minion. I'm not going to hurt him; you know that."
Minion hesitates, then slowly nods. A moment later there's a grumbling from inside the suit and his little castle descends into the chest cavity.
Huh. That's neat, but Roxanne doesn't have room in her head to think about it, right now. Before she can overthink or tell herself not to, she sits on the edge of the bed and tugs the blanket and sheet back so she can climb in. Megamind frowns and mutters something, then says, "Minion?"
"It's me," Roxanne says, her voice low, and his eyes pop open.
"Roxanne?" He lifts himself onto his elbow, then winces and lowers himself back down again. "Roxanne? What's—"
"Hush," she says, sliding down under the covers.
He sounds much more lucid than he did earlier. "Is the sofa uncomfortable? Do you need me to—"
"The sofa is empty." Roxanne lies down facing away from him, then scoots until she can feel him at her back. "Is this okay?"
Megamind is very stiff. "I—but—"
Okay. "Megamind," Roxanne says, very quietly, "If you want me to leave you alone, I absolutely will. But I am freaking out. I feel like you're dying and I'm scared you hate me now and I'm scared of losing you. Okay? And—and so I need you to hold me, if that's okay. If it's not too much to ask." She swallows. Gulps, really, and squeezes her eyes closed against the tears that threaten to rise again. "I will go, if you want me to, but I really really want to just stay here with you tonight."
After a long moment, Megamind carefully moves closer. Even more carefully, slides his arm under her pillow, and drapes his other over her waist.
"Like this?" he asks. "Is this okay?"
Megamind's voice behind her is hesitant and raspy with sleep, nowhere near his usual laughing purr, but he's comfortingly close and his body is solid. Roxanne draws a shuddering breath and leans back against him. Takes his wrist and gently brings his splinted hand up in front of her chest so she can wrap her fingers around it. "This is perfect," she says. "Thank you."
"Is," he says, sounding totally baffled, "is this a—friends thing?"
She sniffs. "It can be," she tells him. "But this…this is a Megamind-and-Roxanne thing, I think."
"Ah? Ah."
Bit by bit, he relaxes. Roxanne feels the tension ebb out of his slender frame by degrees until eventually he shifts again, settling closer still, curling his knees in behind hers and turning his head to rest his cheek on the curve of her shoulder and neck. His skin is cool; his breath is cool on her skin.
After a while, she whispers, "I really do care about you."
"Oh," he says, sounding uncertain. "I…hoped you did. I wasn't…sure. You said you wouldn't talk yourself out of leaving."
"I don't have to talk myself out of it," she tells him. "I should never have said that in the first place. I really—I do care about you. I never stopped." She hesitates. She doesn't want to sound accusatory with this next part. "I tried to tell you, the next morning," she says, cautious, "and, um, a couple other times? But you never texted back."
He sucks in a breath. "Oh," he says, sounding absolutely shocked. "Oh, I—I couldn't—I thought we were done. I never dreamed you'd—I couldn't look at—even remembering I have a phone made me feel sick."
Relief swirls through her. "You didn't see my texts," she says.
"No. But I—oh, that's why you thought I didn't want to talk to you," he says. "God, Roxanne, I'm sorry. And I absolutely do not hate you, I—I'm sorry."
"That's okay," Roxanne says, relieved beyond words that he truly isn't upset with her. He seemed like he wasn't, earlier, but he also seemed like he wasn't all there. "I'm sorry I said I didn't want you in my life. You don't have to apologize; all you did was believe me."
"No, I assumed," Megamind tells her. "You didn't say you didn't want me, you said you wouldn't keep me. There's a difference."
Oh, no. That's right, she realizes, he doesn't forget anything. He's going to remember that forever. And everything else she's ever said to him, over the years; he remembers all of it. There are more than enough angry words there for him to convince himself she was serious.
Well. She'll just have to start giving him good words, instead.
"I want to keep you," Roxanne says. "I want you in my life. No matter what. I want to keep you in my life, and I know Rose and Salim want you in Derya's life, and—Megamind, I'm sorry. I never should have said that." She shakes her head. "I should have listened. I should have said…I should have just told you why I was so upset. And I should have tried to understand. I'm sorry."
Megamind takes a deep breath, releases it slowly. "It's okay," he says. His whole body is relaxed, now, folded close behind Roxanne. "I…should also have listened. This was important to you. You mentioned it before, too, at Waffle House."
"So did you," Roxanne has to point out. "It…and I'm listening now, if…"
"No," Megamind says with a sigh. "No, I'm…tired of saying it. And I suspect you've already reassessed what I said. You have a good memory. I want—" He swallows. "I would like to listen. Now. I want to try."
God, she loves him. Just, the trust that she's already thought about and considered what he said, even though she threw it in his face the last time they spoke—
And she has definitely thought of everything she wanted to say but couldn't find words for; she's been thinking of this all week, thinking of Megamind maybe hopefully someday listening to her, but now that he's here, it's hard to know where to start.
"I…I'm so sorry you've been hurt like this," she says. That's as good a place as any. "I do not ever want you to be hurt, at all, and I am so sorry that you have been hurt so badly and I had no idea, and—" She pauses, struggling. But he's listening, now. He said he's tired, he said he wants to try. "And I know," she finally says, "you can't see any other way to live. I know that. I know villainy is the only thing you can think of to do, and…and there's nothing else. I know that.
"And—but Megamind, if—if we could find another way for you to live, a safer way—a different way—would you want it? If it was there, would you take it?"
"I'm a villain," Megamind says, after a moment. "I'll always be a villain. I told you."
"But you weren't always," she replies. "You…and Megamind, you're a good person. Truly, you are." He goes a little bit tense again at that, and she very carefully squeezes his splinted hand. "I know you don't like hearing it, but you are. And, and what about before, when you were a kid?" she adds, before he can protest. "Think back. What did you want to be when you grew up? When you were a kid?"
He's quiet for a while. Eventually, he says, "I didn't…really think about growing up. Much. I caught just about every cold and flu there was before my immune system finally adjusted; I never expected to make it past twelve. And when I hit thirteen it was already me and Minion against the world and I thought, okay, but there's no way I'll make it to twenty." He shrugs a little. "There didn't seem to be much of a point in wanting."
Roxanne blinks into the darkness, startled, dismayed. "Didn't you want anything?" she asks, and Megamind sighs again and seems to think for a while.
"I suppose I wanted to be happy," he finally says, low. "That would have been nice."
Oh.
Roxanne has to take a moment and gather herself to try and keep her voice steady, and even then, she doesn't really succeed. "And…are you? Now?"
"Not especially," he says. "Villainy is engaging and I won't deny it has its moments, but…no, I would not say I'm happy overall. But that's not surprising. Or disappointing, really. Like I said, I never really expected things to work out for me."
Can there be a third time, he asked, weeks ago. And just before that, he said it was hard for him to remember good times without melancholy, and…oh, that does make more sense, now. With a mindset like this. Of course it would be hard to remember good times if he can't imagine he'll have another one, and from this, it sounds like Megamind has always lived with one foot in the grave, expecting to die. Of course happy memories would be tainted, then; he would live always thinking the best is behind him.
And maybe Roxanne should drop it. Maybe she should leave it there until she's thought about this a little more, maybe she shouldn't push him, but—but god, she can't—
"But if," she says, "if things could work out for you, would you want them to? You have me, now. And Rose and Salim, and Derya. That baby adores you, Megamind; we all care about you; can't you—will you try?"
"Try what," he says, a touch of irritation in his voice. "Try what? I told you before, there's nothing else out there for me, so—"
"I'm out here for you," Roxanne says, desperate. She grips his hand, backs off when he winces. "I'm here. I know what I said before, but I am not going anywhere."
"Roxanne…"
"No, really," Roxanne says. "Megamind, I'm right here. I'm right here, with you, and I am not leaving no matter what you do with your life but I just, I want you to be—were you—weren't you happy when you met Derya and Rose? Weren't you happy at the park with the fireflies? Were you happy then?"
"Of course, I was happy then," Megamind says tightly. "I was having fun, then. But—"
"Then let's go back," Roxanne says. "Let's go again! It's still hot out, we can go back to the lake and—"
"It won't be the same."
"That doesn't mean it won't be fun," she says, frantic to make him understand. "That doesn't mean you won't have a good time! We could—"
"You aren't listening," Megamind snaps, pressing his cheek to her shoulder, holding her tight against his chest. "None of this makes any difference. I'm—I'm still me, I'm still a villain, I'm—still the same godawful mess of a creature that couldn't figure out how to just fucking let go and die when it was seven and sick with strep and the flu simultaneously. Roxanne, I survived a black hole. My whole life is a near-death experience; a couple of day trips aren't going to change that. You aren't listening."
"I am too listening," Roxanne says, shoving past godawful mess of a creature with what feels like tremendous effort. "I am. I know, I know you can't see anything else in your future, but that doesn't mean there's nothing there, Megamind, and I am listening very carefully and you haven't said no. You haven't said you don't want to try. You've been shooting me down, but you haven't said no."
She thinks, wildly, with a sort of knee-jerk oh no as she hears the words leave her mouth—do I sound like Hal?—but no, no; Megamind is not afraid to say no to her. He's said no to her in the past, frequently. He might have trouble saying yes to the things he wants, but he has zero problems saying no, and Roxanne has no idea what it means that he isn't saying it now.
And he goes very still behind her. Roxanne bites her lip again to keep herself from continuing—something about the way he just froze and stopped breathing tells her she needs to let him turn that one over in his head for a while. Maybe…maybe it's something he didn't even realize?
She focuses on the feeling of his unsplinted finger and thumb curled around her hand, his arm around her. The cool, alive weight of his body behind hers, his faint heartbeat against her back. He hasn't moved away from her at all, the whole time they've been talking, not even when he started to get annoyed. He hasn't withdrawn once. If anything, he's held on even tighter.
"Roxanne…can you," Megamind says slowly, "truly envision a future for me that…that somehow does not end with me smeared across the pavement?" His throat moves against her back as he swallows. "Is that—is that honestly a thing you can see happening?"
That does it. Tears finally rise and trickle from the corners of her eyes onto the pillow. "Yes," she whispers. "Yes, it is. Megamind, I can see you being an old, old man someday."
She feels his face shift slightly against her shoulder. Frowning? "I can't," he says. "I…can't see that."
"That's okay," she begins, but he stops her.
"No," he says, still speaking slowly, and sounding sort of troubled, now. "No, it—it isn't, is it? I have a good imagination. And, and I can imagine death—dying—but. I can't. I can't imagine living." He pauses. "That…isn't good. Is it."
Roxanne gently presses his hand between hers. "No," she whispers. "No, it isn't good. But," she continues, before Megamind can reply, "it isn't bad, either. To feel that way. You can learn. It'll be hard, but—you can be happy. You can learn how. I know you can, I promise. I'll help."
Megamind is quiet.
Roxanne swallows again and takes a deep breath, thinking as quickly as she can as a sort of half-plan forms in her head. It's a lot, and it's going to be personal and it's going to open her to questions and rejection and—but this is Megamind, it's just Megamind; he might question and reject her but he won't make fun.
She should really just go ahead and tell him she loves him, but now is seriously not the time to make things about her and her feelings.
"Okay, listen," she says. "I'll…I'll tell you what I see. What I want for you, for—for us both. Close your eyes and try to picture this with me, okay?"
"Yes," Megamind murmurs.
"So, first, I want you to picture me forty years from now. I'm seventy-seven. I am wearing glasses and a cardigan and I have an old-lady haircut and lots of wrinkles and probably a cane because arthritis runs in my family. You with me so far?"
"I suppose…"
"Good. So. I want you to picture me like that. And I'm holding your hand." She grips his hand gently with both of hers, now, curling her fingers over and around his splinted blue ones. "I'm holding your hand, and we're…sitting. We're sitting on a porch swing in the sun on the roof of Evil Lair, in the garden with lots of flowers and bees and brainbots everywhere around us, and we're talking about how, a week from now, our nieces and nephews are coming to visit for a few days. Minion is there, too; he's…helping us plan activities. Things we want to show them, things we want to do. And hopefully one of you is handling meal planning, because I am just terrible at that.
"We're going to take them out on Lake Michigan," she continues, petting the side of his thumb. "You've built that hydrofoil you keep mentioning you want to try, and we're going to go out and go swimming, and…and fishing, maybe?
"The kids are grown and they'll have their own plans for some of the trip, of course, but they'll come back to Evil Lair in the evenings and tell us about their day. Maybe they'll bring their kids and we can babysit a little. Maybe we have grandbabies. Grand-niblings.
"Or, or maybe someone will bring a friend or some old college roommate over to the Lair for a while, and they'll tell a story about some silly thing like, hey remember the time we—and we'll all laugh. And you'll tell a story about—about Derya's graduation party—and we'll all groan, because you've told that story a hundred times over the years. And you'll pout and make fun right back because come on, how are you supposed to know how often humans have to be reminded of things in order to remember them?
"And…and one night, while they're visiting, they'll take the three of us out for dinner. You and Minion and me. We'll all go out to eat, and you and Minion don't have to worry about anyone seeing you and calling the cops or screaming. You haven't had to worry about that in years. You don't even think of it—because—because you know you're safe. And I've forgotten my reading glasses, so I have to borrow yours in order to read the menu, and you laugh at me because I'm all grumbly because your prescription is stronger than mine. Minion tells me for the umpteenth time that I should really just get bifocals. And…and we're just…" She gulps. It's a miracle she's managed to hold her voice steady for this long; she's finally starting to crack. "We're just. Another old couple out to eat with our family. You're blue, and Minion is a fish, and we're together with our family. And—and we're—happy. We got to watch Derya grow up, and we got to grow old with my sister and her husband, and we don't ever have to say goodbye at the end of the night, and—we're happy."
She falls silent, struggling with herself. After a moment, Megamind moves his head and presses his cheek to Roxanne's hair. His arm around her is very tight, now, squeezing her against his chest. Roxanne wouldn't have it any other way.
"Can you," she says, in an extremely wobbly voice, "can you picture that? With me? Can you think of that?"
Megamind makes a low, soft sound, close to her ear. "Almost," he whispers. "I—I almost can."
"Great, and do you want it?" Roxanne asks, frantic and choked. "Because you can have it, Megamind. We can do it, we can make it happen. I know we can, I know we can. Just because your whole life is a near-death experience doesn't mean you have to live like you're about to die; just because most supervillains die young doesn't mean you can't keep being an outlier.
"And it is most, Megamind," she adds, "it is not all; I've been doing research and I think I've tracked down a couple of supervillains from the eighties living on a volcanic island in the Pacific. There are some who do live and I promise, I promise you can be one of them, so—so, do you—could you ever want that? Any of what I said?"
Megamind nods hard. Presses his face to her hair, then tips his head down and shoves his forehead against the curve of her skull and nods again or nuzzles there. "Yes," he says, his voice muffled but sounding pretty much as thick as Roxanne's. "Yes, I, I do, I—I want all of it. Everything you said. I want—I want all of it, everything. Everything."
Roxanne squeezes his fingers, strokes his arm. "Good," she whispers. "Good. Me, too. I want all that, too."
He brings his other arm down a little, under the curve of her neck so he can curl it up around her shoulders. "But," he manages, "with, with—me? You want—that, what you said—you want—with—"
"You, yes," Roxanne says. "I do. Megamind…god. Um." She sniffs hard and shoves herself backwards against his chest. "Listen, we'll…talk more in the morning, okay? This is a lot, I know I've just dropped a lot on you, can we…can we talk in the morning?"
His gulp is clearly audible. "We can talk. In, in the morning. Yes. We can do that."
She nods. "Just…think about not dying. In the short term, if that's easier. We'll go back to the park this weekend, okay? Think about Star Lake. Maybe Minion will come, this time. The water will be warmer, now; I'll be able to swim with you for longer. And I'll bring goggles and a snorkel so you can show me where the tadpoles are."
"That sounds nice," he whispers.
Roxanne nods. "It does," she says, "it does sound nice. And there might still be a few lightning bugs out and about. I'll show you how to catch them. We can catch grasshoppers, too. We can—" Oh, who cares, caution to the winds— "if you want, we can try to catch enough that it's worth trying to cook them. Okay?"
Megamind heaves a sigh, then nods and finally turns to rest his cheek on her shoulder again. "I'd like that."
Oh sweet lord oh christ jesus I have really got it bad, Roxanne thinks wildly. I am volunteering to eat bugs for this man.
She can't just leave it here. She can't. She desperately wants to sleep, but more than that she just wants—
"Goodnight," she whispers. "Goodnight, I love you."
Megamind's hands twitch and his breathing sort of—hitches—but his voice when he speaks is low and steady. "Goodnight," he replies. "I love you, too."
