Chapter 6

'You make me feel so weak.

I bet you kiss your knuckles

Right before they touch my cheek.'

He did not hit me again in the week following the ceremony, giving my back the time to heal over. Finally, the scab didn't split open anymore, staining the bandages I carefully applied with blood but even though the pain lessened I felt not better. Not just because the nausea and the dizzy spells got worse but because I felt like a prisoner in a house I shouldn't even be in to begin with.

While the other girls had moved into a house of their own, sharing it with a girl from last year's initiation I was hidden away in my bedroom whenever I didn't have to perform various tasks that became sheer agony with the lack of sleep I suffered, wary of every creaking of the house and what it could mean for me. What terrors waited, hidden in the shadows just waiting to strike.

As a child, I had been terrified of the monsters in my closet, which I would have never admitted it, even back then. But just thinking about their grimaces and long bony fingers spiked with claws had my blood run cold and every trace of sleep vanishing. Of course, my parents noticed, how could they not when I was falling asleep over my porridge but nothing they tried worked. Nothing worked at all until Aiden sneaked into my room one night, pretended to fight the demons of while I had the blanket pulled up to my chin, torn between being terrified for him and the urge to giggle when I saw my brother fight my hanger full of clothes with a wooden knife.

After he conquered my demons Aiden slipped under the covers and laid with me until I fell asleep with a smile on my face while he was boasting about his skills and how he´d someday become a leader, which really only was a matter of time.

Curled up beneath the thin grey blanket to protect my greatest treasure if he should come, I wished Aiden was here again to fight off my demons because I just wasn't strong enough, not thinking clearly enough to admit to myself that Max had sent me on a suicide mission, to sacrifice myself for the good of the city, leaving me in the wake of a monster with no means to protect myself. Because monsters, I had learnt, don´t hide in closets but in the people wandering among us while only the closest to them will ever see the full capacity of their depravity. And I had front-row seats to the freak show that was Marcus Eaton.

Studying the techniques of psychological warfare from an early age on because it had been one of my father´s favorite subjects, I knew what he was doing, startling me with noiseless approaches until he could leer over my shoulder when I was standing at the sink, the difference to his thundering footsteps landing on each step of the stairs while I lay in bed, anxiety all consuming, was so distinct it couldn't have been anything but purposeful. In fact, Marcus Eaton never made an uncalculated movement which only made his loss of control on the dreaded night so much more terrifying looking back.

I also knew for a fact that he speculated on me messing up, wearing me down to leer at me, just waiting for a small mistake to slip through under his watchful eyes. As soon as it happened he would straighten himself up to his full height, his eyes holding that malicious glint I´ve learnt to fear not only subconsciously but to the core of my being. Swallowing down my pride, I would avert my eyes to not egg him on further and wait in tense agony for him to make up his mind on an appropriate punishment.

For burning breakfast, he let me off with a lecture about not being so stupid to waste food and an disapproving stare that bordered on disappointment, which only managed to confuse me more. In his eyes, I was nothing more than a lowly girl from dauntless that had been stupid enough to walk right into his trap so what was there to disappoint?

Not much, obviously.

For spilling a glass of juice onto his shirt though, when he once again crept up and startled me, he grabbed me by the nape of my neck and dragged me into the bathroom, pushing me down to my knees when I struggled to escape his grip, terrified what he was up to now, my survival instinct seeping through.

But instead of getting another beating, he watched me with hawk-eyes scrub the whole floor on my knees that were bruised and red by the time I was done, just in time to accompany him to the meeting of the council where they talked stuff that, for me, made no sense at all.

Yes, the last few weeks have been anything but easy and that's why I was so thankful for the short disruption to that routine the few trips to amity gave me.

Horded on the back of their pick-up trucks a selected group of abnegation, me included, were responsible for helping out with the apple harvest that started early this year after an especially mild winter. I knew, my selection had urged Marcus to no end but since most of the faction was divided into different groups that alternated between amity, the factionless sector and helping out at abnegation itself, only the council members staying back to muse about government stuff that was so boring it would kill me some day – if Marcus didn't beat it to the punch. Pun only half-intended.

Letting out a quiet sigh, I wished I could release my hair from my bun and feel the wind rake through it, finally getting a slight feeling of freedom back as I watched the trees passing by, the long green grass swaying slightly in the light breeze. I wondered, how many animals were hiding behind it, imagined how peaceful it must be: A doe and her fawn, a family of rabbits beneath the earth. Birds nesting in the trees quite a bit away, a mouse rushing through the undergrowth, searching for food to give to her newborns.

The image made me smile, careful for the first time in weeks as I unsuspiciously placed a hand on my stomach where my child was growing.

This was what he or she deserved, wide fields to play and laugh freely in, a faction that functioned like a huge family. Looking at amity through Eric´s eyes I had only ever seen fools and idiots, living in sheds and singing at bonfires but when I had first jumped from the truck three days ago and taken the busy still friendly atmosphere in, I instantly knew that his sarcastic, or more cynical assessment had been wrong – or at least exaggerated.

To be honest, observing the members I could very well imagine that a lot of brilliant heads had deflected here just to elude our achievement-orientated society and for the first time in my life, I asked myself why I had let my sense of loyalty get the best of me and didn't even think about coming here.
What could be better than a little manual labor, fresh air and a lot of drugs?

Right now, I couldn't imagine anything that sounded more heavenly.

Like the other days, once I had grabbed one of the baskets and eaten a small breakfast the amity provided for us in exchange for our labor, Benjamin and I made our way to the orchards, today it were the oranges that were being harvested. At first, when he had sat down beside me, excitedly chattering about his former faction and how happy he was to go back, I hadn't been able to decide if he would be a welcome distraction or a gruesome pain in my ass. Turns out he somehow managed to be both.

"Come on, don´t take me for a fool!" I called down from the branch I was sitting on, feet swinging idly, a smile stretching up the corners of my mouth as I munched on a piece of orange, reveling on the explosion of sweetness I have craved so hard the last few weeks. "I really don´t believe that you have some kind of fertility rite where you paint on naked woman with your fingers!"

"Believe me, we do!" Benjamin exclaimed loudly, barely catching the orange I threw at him. His sleeves were folded up, revealing upper-arm muscles some of the members back at dauntless would have killed for. "It´s insanely hot but it also sucks because all those girls are already taken." He scrunched up his nose, looking genuinely distraught which only made me laugh harder. It was as if the belt with weights had been removed as soon as we arrived here – making room for an indescribable feeling of joy.

"Shut up, you! And start picking oranges, we´re behind already!" A branch with several leaves I had thrown hit him right on the head and Benjamin turned to me with a mock-scowl on his face. I was almost one-hundred percent sure he had never glared at anyone, ever.

"You do realize that we wouldn't be reprimanded even if we brought like… five apples a day?" When I raised my eyebrows, he nodded wisely. "The people here are like that: kind. Amity is basically one big family, it´s awesome."

"Then why didn't you stay here?" I blurted out before I could stop myself, instantly going to backtrack when the smile on his face fell. For the first time I got to see something different than happy Benjamin. "I´m sorry, you don´t have to answer if you don´t want."

Shaking his head, his lips curled up into a sad smile. "All happiness in the world isn't enough when the girl you love wants to marry your best friend. It was better to leave than to stay and watch them become a happy family."

"You were a couple?" I asked carefully, his solemn nod answer enough.

"For three years."

"That sucks." Scrunching up my face, I fiddled with the orange in my hands.

"It was the same for you, was it not?" His question surprised me and it took me a moment of staring at him before I could answer.

"Not really… I was quite happy in my relationship, even though no one knew of it. But something about dauntless just wasn't quite right for me." I added hurriedly, lying through my teeth. If Max and Jeanine wouldn't have plunged me into this hell hole, I´d be first in initiation… or not.

Suddenly, I realized that dauntless initiation with all its fights and drinking would have pure poison for my unborn child and now, I had no idea what to make of it. What would my mother say? Or Eric? What would he have done if he found out I was going through initiation pregnant?

Most likely, pulled me out because of special circumstances because I can´t believe for all that it´s worth that they would send a pregnant initiate to be factionless – nevertheless one with a leader baby.

Marriage would have been one way, not just because it was something like an unwritten law for every leader that strived for greatness.

Or maybe, some kind of accelerated course that was focused on the ideals of our faction more than on the physical aspects of it, replacing them with harmless activities. I truly didn't know.

The bell chiming through the hot summer air alerted all pickers in the orchard rows that it was time for a break and I let myself glide from the branch, lessening the impact of my feet hitting the ground by landing on the ball of my foot. While I was lost in thought, Benjamin still chatting animatedly beside me we made our way to the dome where we would get lunch. I was so used to his voice being in the background that his sudden silence alerted me that something was wrong.

Benjamin had fallen back a few steps, his gaze trailed on something, or rather someone several feet away and when I followed his gaze I knew why he had stopped. A petite girl with blonde, willowing hair was conversing someone who looked awfully like Benjamin himself. He obviously forgot to mention that the guy his girlfriend left him for wasn't just his best friend but his twin.

Free love, indeed.

As if they felt his stare both looked up at the same time, face turning alert while I turned to Benjamin whose expression was obvious: he wanted to be anywhere but here.

Especially when the two of them suddenly started walking towards him, a shaky smile spreading over her face while he looked cautious, trying to anchor her to him

If you took a closer look, it seemed as if his nose had been broken not too long ago and I asked myself if Benjamin really had it in him to punch his own brother. From his twin's expression, slight defiance that reeked of fear, he did.

Taking a few steps closer, I wanted to hear what they were saying and to be able to quickly intervene if something should go wrong. Mostly though I was being nosy, something I had dearly missed being cooped up in a house all day with no company but myself.

Wringing her hands, the girl stepped closer, a guilty look on her face that she tried to cover with a shaky smile.

"Benjamin, how are you?"

Her voice spoke was candor but the sheer fact that Benjamin´s twin brother was looming behind her undid her pitiful attempts at polite conversation. Judging from his expression, Benjamin felt the same way.

"I´m fine, Abbey." A curt reply spoked without much emotion with no inclination that he wanted to linger here, talking to either of them and I felt him, I really did. If this was Eric and the woman he decided to spent the night with, like he had told me at that meeting a small eternity ago, neither of them would be as well off as those two were.

Even though I didn't take Benjamin for someone overly violent, the opposite really, I stayed alert. If it somehow come to a brawl between a new abnegation and an amity member, the news would spread over the city like wildfire and Marcus would somehow find an argument why it had been my fault. Ready to intervene, I watched the girl recoil slightly, no doubt not used to this side of Benjamin.

"That´s great! Yeah… great." Scrunching up her face, Abbey´s expression was caught between confusion and awkwardness but judging from the determination hushing over her face, she decided to grow a pair and spit out what had been bothering her. "Listen, we" She gestured to the boy behind her, "wanted to talk to you about what happened before the ceremony. We´re sorry about the way it happened but we just couldn't help ourselves."

When Benjamin started laughing somewhat bitter, Abbey threw a helpless glance over her shoulder towards his twin who just shrugged his shoulders. His expression was so entirely un-amity that I asked myself what Benjamin had did to him other than breaking his nose.

"Oh, you mean the fact that I found you in my twins bed right after we talked about our future together? Not a big deal." Benjamin snorted, averting his eyes to the sky, teeth clenched. When he looked back at them there was no trace left of hurting feelings, only a blank stare. "Tommy here always had been envious of things belonging to me. I guess you were no different."

Pure rage flashed over Tommy´s face as he pushed Abbey behind him and took a threatening step forward, snarling into his brother´s face.

"Watch it!"

When Benjamin made a move forward I decided it was time to intercept them because their dispute was starting to draw attention. And for only being a member of a few weeks this was in no way a good sign. Gathering my skirt in one hand, I narrowly avoided a puddle of mud the horse carriage had left behind in the moist soil.

"Benji! There you are!" I exclaimed loudly, hurrying over towards him. Benjamin wasn't the only one my yelling had alerted, a few older members shot me reprimanding glances that I deliberately ignored, coming to face him with a fond smile. "The others are already waiting for us." I linked my arm under his, pretending to only now see the other two standing in front of us. "Oh, who´s that?"

"My brother and his girlfriend." If Benjamin was surprised by my sudden appearance he didn't let it show, instead turning to look at me, his eyebrow raised a fraction.

"Well, it was nice meeting you but we have to get going." Without looking at either of them, I tightened my grip on his arms and started to pull him away. Benjamin relented without any resistance much to my advantage. When we were a few feet away from them, I glanced up at him and raised my eyebrow.

"If he had punched you I´d have to kick his ass and we both know not even I can get away with beating up two guys in less than a month."

It made him laugh but it was only meant to be half-humorous since every time I thought about that night I felt the impact of the belt on my back, the metal buckle cutting through flesh.

Those past days at amity had almost been healing, freeing really. Without his constant supervision, feeling him breathing down my neck, I almost felt normal again. As if the reality back at abnegation was just a bad dream I would wake up from soon, finding myself back in my own bed with my mother making pancakes every Sunday.

But I knew, of course I knew, that this peaceful break was just that – only temporary. So when we went back to harvesting from a lunch that consisted of sweet fruit and bread that hadn't been infused with the peace serum, I let my hair fall free from the headache inducing bun and climbed back onto a tree, alternating between throwing oranges at Benjamin to catch them and putting them into the bucket.

As the wind blew through the orchard I closed my eyes and reveled in the feeling of it waving through my open hair, a fresh breeze in the stale summer air.

This was what freedom felt like, concealed by colorful, flowing clothes, green scenery and the prejudices of others. Amity was so completely different from all that I had always imagined it to be.

It was beautiful.

It was tranquil.

A heaven in hiding.


An old saying from way before the great war says time is supposed to heal all wounds, but the only thing it ever does to manage is to make everything worse. When I had time back home, I liked to read about unnecessary health facts from before the war, when diseases couldn't be healed by serums and minds that were poisoned by fear could not yet be trained through our simulations.

Dauntless was built on the argumentation that fear and any kind of angst were the enemy even though it had been proven erudite-like minds that the alertness and the ability to assess situations as well as remember them as being dangerous paired with the skill of adaptation were the main reason the human species survived – and thrived, over thousands of years.

So, what if fear became the enemy? Not like here in dauntless were you had to handle your biggest fears like a piece of cake while also simultaneously keeping them as your biggest secret to not give others leverage over you. But in the sense that suddenly everything, even the smallest task like getting out of bed was anxiety inducing enough to get your heartbeat spiking, your breathing accelerating as if you just conquered a long flight of stairs.

I´ve read that it took over eight years to properly recognize and diagnose one of these panic disorders, even though it was easier to treat the earlier it was found, the less severe the case was, like with most causes really.

Another disease that was vital to detect early was cancer, the abnormal growth of one or more cells that had mutated, basically turning off the self-destruction mechanism that was responsible for the controlled destruction of a cell once it had reached it maximum count of cell divisions it could reach, the polymer ends at the DNA strands too short that it could be divided again. That apoptosis, how that controlled suicide of cells is called, forms not only our body´s from the moment on that we are conceived but by eliminating mutated ones it makes sure our body can function the way we need it to, to survive.

Mistakes in that process were proven to cause many diseases, the most prominent one being… well, cancer.

Sometimes just a benign cluster of cells that our immune system works hard to dissolve, most of the time undetected even by the person that was affected but sometimes so aggressive it spreads through the whole body in a few months, poisoning the organs by making them incapable of implementing their tasks that were all focused on one thing: keeping us alive.

Marcus was that cancer, invading even the deepest layers of my mind and from the moment I first set foot into his house, fear became essential for survival.

The weeks following the end of the harvest in amity were also the last ones in the three-month period of dauntless´ initiation, indicating that my time was running out faster than I could comprehend. Max had given me until initiation day until they would intervene for a much too high price.

Yes, living with Marcus was hell but the others I had met so far did not in the least deserve to die for their hunger of power, the greed to have the city in their own hands instead of letting Abnegation lead all-consuming.

I did my best to gather inside information about the faction: How many members there were, the stock of supplies and any discrepancies at inventory; the number of factionless that were being fed, as well as keeping an ear out for any kind of story that could discredit the leaders.

I knew that I, myself, had the most impactful story to tell but selfishly, I wouldn't.

Not ever.

Because if I somehow managed to get back to dauntless, like Max had promised to me, the story would ruin not only my life but also the life of my unborn child. There was a reason no one knew anything about Four and his background. He knew too that if the depravity of his situation ever was portrayed in broad daylight, his reputation as the fearless dauntless prodigy would be gone forever.

Was it selfish to keep a scandal to myself that could kill half of the faction?

Definitely; more than I could ever comprehend.

Would that fact change my mind?

No.

Every time these thoughts grazed my consciousness, I started to feel guilty and it was this guilt that helped me to be braver, more determined, to save the lives of the abnegation – and that of my son. But pride always comes before the fall.

Marcus was gone for the day, busy with a prolonged meeting the dauntless had called to discuss the possibilities of herding the factionless together into some sort of ghetto. I wasn't sure if the proposal was real or if Max just tried to give me an opportunity to break into Marcus´ office and get what I needed for him, but whatever it was, it had the desired effect. A politic outcry went through all of amity and abnegation, voices getting loud that they couldn't treat human beings like animals and lock them in an abandoned part of the city and like always, candor would have to mediate between them and erudite that were on the same side as dauntless, thinking of them as less than dirt on their feet.

The last few days had been hard on me. With the approaching end of the fourth month along in my pregnancy, that was slowly but surely starting to show, only concealed by the baggy clothes, the nausea had luckily subsided but it only made space for exhaustion that crept into my bones after long hours of demanding work. I had helped cleaning the house of an older member in the morning, rushed home to eat something and then scrubbed clothes the entire afternoon. Never had I missed a laundry machine more than in this moment, my hands chapped and nails almost non-existent. The pile of dirty clothes had been so tremendous that I was running out of time when the women finally let me go. The meeting was scheduled to last until six pm, the spartan clock in the kitchen showing that I only had an hour left to search through his stuff and get dinner ready.

Like every time, I stepped through the front door, I felt something deep inside me tense, my ears straining for any kind of sound that meant he was back early, working or just sitting on the uncomfortable sofa in the living room, skimming through the latest news. When everything stayed quiet, no creaking of furniture or insults thrown at me to get going, I exhaled and pulled off my cardigan, hanging it onto the rack that was empty – another sign that Marcus was still gone. Still, I checked every room in the house and peered through the window before committing the most daunting task in my life – breaking into Marcus Eaton´s bedroom.

The door was at the end of the hallway, the farthest one from the staircase which provided him with privacy I could only dream of. The door was grey, like all of them, identical, and still it provoked a fear so deep inside me, I had to lay my hand over the dress covering my slightly protruding stomach to reassure myself that everything was alright. That this door wasn't the portal to hell – even if the devil may live behind it.

My hand on the doorknob, I hesitated for a long moment, everything inside me screaming to don´t do it - but I had to. Holding my breath, I pushed down and forwards, the door opening with a creak that had all my hairs stand on end, waiting for something, anything to happen.

Everything was quiet.

Hauntingly quiet.

In dauntless, I had never known such tense silence that threatened to suffocate you, just laughter, drunken rambling and grunting that could mean one of two things but never anything like this.

It took all my willpower to unfreeze my limbs, to get my feet to step over the threshold despite the nauseating fear raking through my stomach but I closed my eyes and challenged my inner defiance. Even after getting beaten like that, I refused to let some three months of living under the same roof as my tormentor change the innermost of my personality – my defiance.

Taking the room in, I almost laughed out loud at myself, a bitter, condescending laugh. How could a small chamber that was filled with only a spartan double bed and a single drawer adorned with a grey lamp awoke such fear inside someone else?

It was ridiculous.

Knowing that no harm would come to me through the hands of the room itself, I got to work, checking beneath the bed for any sort of box but all I found were a few old newspaper clippings that documented Marcus raise to power and an old lock of brown hair I couldn't make anything off. Keeping the drawers for last, I felt around the floor and even the walls to see if I could detect something akin to the hiding space in my room – but nothing.

No plank was out of place, the wall neatly without any pictures to hide something behind, not even one piece of paper – even if that would be enough to get me out of here.

When I pulled open the drawer, I asked myself if there even still was a place for me back home or if I forever would be the coward that choose to become a stiff. I was lost in thought as I pulled open the first drawer, no longer paying attention to my surroundings while checking beneath his clothes as fast and cleanly as possible.

But if you ever were in a life-threatening position you should know better than to get careless – those were situations people were harmed.

A rookie's mistake.

The voice coming from the ajar door had me freeze on my knees, my heart stopping before starting again twice as fast.

"I knew, the moment I saw you wearing those skimpy pants of yours that you´re just asking for it. And now, I find you in my room… Do you think that's what a decent abnegation member would do?" Jerking violently, I slammed the drawer shut but not before I could pull my hand back jamming them. Turning around with my back pressed against the wood, I meet Marcus´ cold blue eyes, staring me down, judging me. If he hadn't known before that I was up to no good, he knew now.

"It´s not what it looks like!" I exclaimed, giving him a smile despite my treacherous heart that was pounding in my chest, stealing my breath. "I was just sorting through the laundry, there were a few items still in the basket."

His unnerving stare, the sarcastically pulled up lips told me he didn't believe one word. "Really? And where are they now?"

Still pressed towards the drawers, I slowly got off the floor but forced my body to relax, trying everything to appear innocent in front of the man that could be my undoing.

"I put them away for you."

Fixing me with a hard stare, Marcus nodded before tilting his head, signaling to me that he was content with the explanation which was strangely unnerving because I had no idea what to do until he stepped to the side, clearing the way out for me. Relieved, I crossed the room with large steps and couldn't wait to get out, away from him but when I was beside him, Marcus grabbed my arm, holding me in place. Freezing, I felt him lean closer until his mouth was beside my ear, his breath fanning over my skin.

"You know, the only thing I hate more than whores are liars."

He paused, his next words making my breath hitch. "Do you really think I didn't know you were inside my study? Do you really take me for such a fool?"

Letting go of my arm, Marcus let me stumble into the hallway but he wasn't done yet, a sardonic smile playing over his lips while I slowly backed away, gaze glued to him. He knew, of course he knew!

No matter what I did, it always got back to Marcus in one way or another and he, being the manipulative bastard he is, choose to stay quiet instead of playing his hand. His head cocked, an innocent, wistful expression on his face, he came closer.

"Yesterday while you were gone whoring yourself out, I took the liberty to look through your room. You know, the one that actually belongs to me. And guess what I found?" He pulled a wrinkled piece of paper from his pocket, straightening it up to reveal a black background with a small grey circle inside it. My blood ran cold as I stared at it with big eyes, gaze flicking up to see him watching me intently, judging, condemning. But he wasn't done ridiculing me yet, based on beliefs that were not my own.

"Who´s the father Casey?" He stepped closer, while I was frozen to the spot. "Is it the amity, that imbecile? Or was it that guy you sneaked out to meet?" Scrunching up his face in disgust, Marcus fixed his eyes on my stomach. "Do you even know who's the bastards father?"

"It´s not like that!" I finally had enough, taking a step forward to meet his gaze with my scorching one. "And it´s not like it is any of your business –"

A hand on my throat pushing me back into the wall cut me off, the pressure just forceful enough to shut me up immediately, not harming – yet. Hauntingly blue eyes glared down at me, the heated spark no longer hidden by his careful composure.

"But it is my business, isn't it?" Marcus asked almost softly before a grimace pulled on his lips. "What will they all say? A girl, unmarried, pregnant, living with the head of the government. I can´t let a pretty little cunt like yours tarnish my reputation. You understand, right?"

"What do you want from me?" My voice came out as a panicking as the pressure onto my throat increased. The shift in his mood was tangible, expression hardening until I came face to face with that version of the man, who claimed that the hits raining down on my back, marring once flawless skin was to my own god. The man that would do absolutely anything to uphold his reputation as the trusted leader of our government.

The hidden face of Marcus Eaton.

Staring me down, he loomed over me, faces almost touching.

"Tell me why you are really here."

Breath hitching, I gave myself away before even realizing it, clamming up in response to the tightening around my throat. The slow swell of panic rising in my guts, I brought my hands up to grip his arm – to anchor myself or to relieve the pressure, I wasn´t sure. All I knew was, that I wouldn't get out of this unscathed if my lies were not convincing enough.

But the fog in my brain made it impossible to think straight.

"I don´t know what you mea – "

Moving fast, his grip tightened and he pulled me forward just to slam me back into the wall with a lot more force than before. My head hitting the wall was dizzying, his face blurring in front of me.

"Why were you in my study? Tell me!"

"I wasn´t – I didn´t…" With a snarl, his hand shot up and tangled inside my hair, forcefully dragging me after him through the hallway while the pain in my scalp and my state of disorientation made it impossible for me to get out of his grip to flee into my room. Not that it would have stopped him, but by now every move that could by me precious time was vital.

Stemming my feet into the floor, I fought tooth and nails, leaving deep claw marks in his hand – but Marcus stayed unfazed, unmoved like a mountain. He just whirled me around, hand closing back around my throat and suddenly the floor gave way under my heel, the torturous sensation of falling sending my body into a frenzy, until suddenly I was still upright.

Head snapping up, I realized with horror that I was balancing on the highest step on the staircase, the only thing keeping me from falling was Marcus hand around my throat. Panic-fueled, I gripped his arm with vice-like strength and tried to pull myself closer to him, away from the abyss.

I just wasn't strong enough.

Pushing me further back and away from him, Marcus balanced me on top of the stairs with only his hand around my neck, cutting off my air supply until I could only pant. His voice was void of any emotion while I was fighting desperately, panicking to keep my balance. "You have one last chance…" He stated, the hard edge being replaced by something that was almost gleeful – Marcus had me where he wanted me and there was nothing I could do against it. "Remember… it´s not just your life anymore."

Tears pooling in my eyes, I just for one second contemplated what would happen if I didn't answer, if I stayed truthful to myself and loyal to my faction. But the life growing inside me was so much more than displaced pride and false righteousness, it was pure and unfiltered love. Nothing could ever measure up to the joy of knowing you carried the product of a union between two human beings, older as time.

There was no doubt left that I´d tell him.

I´d tell him everything and then I would go home.

To Eric.

Begging for his forgiveness and making sure Max would never abuse his power like that again. Eric would help me with that, I am sure.

My heart breaking, I surrender.

"Erudite…" I croaked out, a lone tear escaping as I clawed on the hand around my throat. "They want me to find… something."

"What?" Marcus hissed, eyes narrowing, the intense stare getting even more hostile as he shook me, the threat of falling seizing my brain up, leaving me frozen. "What do they want?"

Gasping for air, I forced myself to speak those words out loud I had promised to take with me to the grave.

"Leverage… to denounce the gov…ermnent…" An image of the two most powerful people in this city, scheming deep under the earth with the full protection of dauntless. Max´ piercing, Jeanine´s hungry stare resting on my form as they gave me the order to infiltrate Marcus´ life, to do everything humanly possible to dig up some dirt that would ruin his reputation forever. For them, it didn't matter what I came up with or which dangers I would face, as long as I came back to tell the tale.

Or maybe… maybe they had just used me as a scapegoat – a casualty they could use to convince the leaders of Candor and Amity to strip Marcus from his position and Abnegation from its leadership.

A sob forced its way out of my throat as I realized truly and utterly alone, abandoned by the people I had trusted most. In the end, their plan would have worked either way: they would either have my report or my body because if this would have just been about me, my pride and sense of loyalty would have been enough to keep my quiet.

But it wasn't just me – everything I would go through my child would suffer the same. And for the first time in my life, I chose my blood over my faction.

"Any-anything… to destroy you… Abnegation… The- they want to…take over the council."

"Who?! Who want´s that?" Marcus face contorted as he hissed at me, his tightening hand suppressing the air flow into my lungs. Starting to feel light-headed, I went to pry his fingers from my neck but a small push backwards that created the sensation of falling stopped me, slinging my hand around his arm in panic.

"Jea-Jeanine an-d Ma-aax…" I cried out as soon as his grip had loosened a little, heaving violently, the oxygen rushing to my head slowly subsiding the spinning of my sight only slowly.

A strange glint flashed behind Marcus' eyes, the smile spreading over his face in stark contrast to the message he had just received. Tilting his head, the movement blurred before my eyes, the lack of oxygen making my head swim. "Thank you very much. I appreciate your… honesty." He hesitated for just a second before his lips pulled up into something that was almost regretful, mockingly so, that had the anxiety inside me spike to unknown heights as he whispered .

"What a shame."

Before I could do anything, Marcus pushed me backwards and for a moment, I was suspended in time, weightless and all I saw was his face contorted in malicious glee, the deep satisfaction of a sadist. And then…

My shoulder hit the stairs, my leg the wall, my head the railing and I fell deeper and faster, tumbling down an almost seemingly endless flight of stairs, knocking the wind out of me, every twist and turn multiplying the impacts by a thousand until suddenly… nothing.

Dazed, my body heavy.

Weightless, as if floating in water.

Dizzy, my brain fogging up.

Then, pain.

Indescribable agony, that had me gasp for air, fighting to not let the wave pull me back under.

A sharp burning in my shoulder, dull thudding in my head,

Pins prickling in my wrist that was twisted in an unnatural angle.

But the worst, the worst…

That agonizing feeling of being split in two, fire raging through my lower abdomen that couldn't be doused, could not be contained, as if someone twisted a burning hot knife inside me, turning and turning until all that was left from me was just a little heap of ashes.

The last thing I noticed before drifting away, was a heavy set of boots stepping over me, leaving me on the floor while he disappeared through the front door.


Time was a vague thing and I couldn't decipher how many minutes or hours passed until I regained consciousness, slowly fighting through the cotton in my head until I could feel my body again, my limbs filled with lead. Forcing my eyes open despite the dizziness, I came to face a grey wall, gaze trailing after the small crack that had formed over the years, stretching from the floor to about wait height splitting into two.
At one place the plaster had fallen off, creating a small dent – a crack in the perfectly kept façade of the house.

I was just like that crack, the only visible imperfection inside this house that was haunted by the demons of the past. Eyes fluttering close, I could see the them both – a mother with her brown hair swept up into an impeccable bun, sneaking small goods like a cookie to her young son before he would come home. And the boy…

Such a handsome young man, maybe seven years old, his uniform too big for his lanky build, his brown hair – or was it dark blond? – ruffled.

The burden of being raised in this environment has left a stain on him, his antics not as happy or as energetic as it should be but for his mother he always held a smile.

He was beautiful.

And he reminded me of someone… of something.

Forcing my eyes back open, I gathered all the energy I had left and turned my numb body around. As I landed on my back, my left arm that had moved with the momentum landed on the floor and a sharp spike of pain dispersed the fog in my brain, suddenly making everything clear again.

With a strangled gasp, I reached down with my right hand, the one that wasn't broken, to find that I was lying in a puddle of liquid, fingers crimson red blurring before my eyes that were filling with tears.

"No, no, no no nonono…"

A spike of adrenalin gave me the strength to pull myself further up until my back was resting against the wall, no part of my body that didn't hurt. And I would never make it to the front door. For a moment, just a second, as the first strangled sob broke through my chest I thought that this was it. I would die in this godforsaken hallway, on the foot of the stairs. And my child with me. That was, when I felt myself give up, just give in to the exhaustion trying to pull me under, my head falling to the side, my eyes to the back door.

The back door…

It was just in reach, if I managed to pull myself up and the handle down. The handle… I had to get out.

My strangely angled arm towards my chest, I pulled myself forward, dragging myself over the floor that I had just swept this morning, a trail of blood following my every movement. To reach the handle, I had to stand up but my shoes were gliding through the blood, tripping me until I finally found my stand against the wall. I was glad my legs were working – even though I couldn't feel them.

It was as if I was standing beside myself as I watched this pitiful creature stumbling through the door, leaving crimson red fingerprints on whatever she touched. Almost like King Midas but instead of turning the things I touched to gold they became rivers of blood, trying to drown me inside them.

My strength was limited, my feet only carrying me a few steps until I collapsed in the backyard, my figure veiled towards the other houses by the white linen sheets strapped onto the clothesline to dry. At least they would find me in the morning when they all came out to help one another take them off. The thought almost made me laugh.

Face pressed into the slightly moist grass, eyes dropping shot, I thought about my last day at dauntless before Max called me into his office to destroy my life. The way Eric´s skin felt under my fingers, his beard stubble leaving an itchy feeling of my neck as he kissed his way down, only stopping short, his sharp eyes meeting mine, veiled by desire.

I was back in that little alleyway, pressed against the supply building as he thrust inside me with the urgency of a starving man. But this time when he asked me to come back with him, to become his wife, instead of running away, I said yes.

Yes… I should have said yes. I should have told him about his child – our child. We could be a family by now, living in one apartment, inviting my parents to dinner, him just watching my exposed belly when we lay in bed at night, pointing out how big his little warrior was getting. Another future that would never be no matter how much I longed for it.

God, I miss him so much…

I wish, I –

"Casey?! Is that you?" A loud noise had my eyes squinting open – and that after I almost fell asleep. Whoever it was, stripped me from my peaceful rest and I turned my head to go back to sleep, muttering to my mother to let me sleep just a little longer. School wasn't that important. All we did these day was bet on other ways Uriah would get his ass handed to him from the faction history teacher. And of course, his way of retaliation.

But a sharp shaking startled me and when I forced my eyes back open, I came face to face with someone that was vaguely familiar.

Her defined face was sharp, almost bony, as if she didn't get enough to eat, her straight midnight black hair framing her face, making her appearance hauntingly beautiful. Like an avenging angle.

"What the hell happened to you?" She muttered to herself but when my eyes threatened to fall back shut, she backhanded me with just enough force to had them fly back open. "You need to stay awake!" She ordered urgently and obedient, I shook my head, giving her a small smile, not quite understanding why she was so upset.

Head falling back into the grass, I stared into the darkening sky, loosing myself in the abyss that was our universe.

She was still fumbling around my body, calling things to the figures appearing in extending shadows, the movements of her hands urgent but schooled. Seeing that my eyes had closed again, she slapped me again. "Casey! Stay with me!"

But I was long gone.


I honestly can´t say if this chapter is widely poetic or absolute shit.. :D and please… don´t hate me too much, I said from the beginning that this won´t be a nice story… I´m also sorry for the long wait but the chapter was massive & my head sadly too occupied with other stuff to fully concentrate on writing.. I hope you like it either way!

Thanks for reading and reviewing!

Anna xx