A/N: A new chapter! Yay! Sorry it took so long, but I've been struggling with part of this one for a while. HUUGE thanks to DrZevil for his help on getting me going with it! Also, as always, thanks to Kretolus for his constant reviewing and support! Hope everyone likes this piece :D
"You wanted to see me, sir?"
Admiral Quinn looked up from the PADD he had been reading, and smiled warmly at the younger officer.
"Yes, Lieutenant, I did." He gestured to the seat opposite him. "Please, have a seat."
Azhasca did as she was asked, swallowing nervously for the first time in two years.
When faced with Admiral Quinn, however, she reasoned she had a valid excuse.
"Would you like a drink?" the older Trill asked, gesturing with his mug, but Azhasca shook her head.
"No, thank you sir. May I ask, what is this about?"
Quinn didn't answer immediately, instead standing up and crossing over to his replicator and recycling his mug, getting a fresh drink at the same time.
"I've just been going over your record," he said as he retook his seat, sipping his beverage before continuing. "I have to say, for one so young it's impressive."
"If this is about what I said to Admiral Kassai, I stand by every word," she said defiantly. "I am sick and tired of people taking my dock for granted, and I won't let it happen again."
Quinn frowned, a crooked smile tugging at one corner of his mouth.
"If you have had a disagreement with Admiral Kassai, that's between you and her," he told her, his tone still warm and light. "She's in Intelligence now, and as she is so fond of reminding me, outside of my jurisdiction."
It was Azhasca's turn to frown, as she pondered what Quinn could possibly want to see her about.
"In that case sir, I can't say I understand why-"
Her eyes narrowed momentarily, then widened again as she realised what he must be building up to.
"No."
Quinn's expression stiffened into one of formal authority, and he met Azhasca's eyes as he spoke.
"Lieutenant Pezhal, I'm reassigning you to a Command position."
"No," Azhasca repeated, her tone rising as she surged to her feet. "No! I am not going back out there, sir! I have done my front-line service and I have paid the price, and I will not go through that again!"
She walked away from the Admiral's desking, stopping at the wide doorway and resting against the frame, burying her face in the crook of her arm. When she closed her eyes, all she could see were corridors darkened with power loss, the faces of the long dead contorted in horror as the Borg took them.
"Azhasca, we've all lost people in the name of service-"
"I didn't just lose people," she said softly, emotion causing her voice to tremble. "I lost everyone."
"I know," Quinn answered after a moment, "and I know that pains you. But we need skilled captains out there, and your record shows you're capable. We need you to take the chair again."
"People keep telling me that," Azhasca said without turning, looking out across the mezzanine behind Quinn's office. Down at the fleet coordination centre, Admirals Kassai and Zevil were gathered with their subordinates, laying out their own individual plans, Captain O'Neill close by briefing some of her officers.
Deep down, she knew these other admirals had faced loss themselves, endured as much as she herself had if not more, and she wondered how they had the strength to go on afterwards. Admiral Kassai especially - it was no secret that her wife had been killed at the Battle of New Romulus, and yet there she stood, going back out to face the horrors of the universe.
"People keep saying it," Azhasca repeated, turning to face Quinn again, "but I can't see it. My entire crew, every single one, was killed or...or assimilated. I can't go through that again."
Quinn was quiet again, silently considering his next words carefully. "Do you know how many lives I've lived?" He asked unexpectedly, but before she could even respond he answered his own question. "I have lived eight lifetimes, and most of those lives were in the military, or captaining a ship of some sort.
"I'm not sure if you are interested in joining with a symbiote, but one thing they don't tell you is that while some memories come quickly, others are much slower to surface, such as the memories of loss and tragedy." Quinn was quiet again for a moment, and Azhasca could see the countless years flashing in his eyes. "I won't share all of those memories with you - for one thing there are too many to go through, and those are for the next Quinn host to know. But when I first gained those memories and the emotions that came with them, I...didn't handle it as well as you have."
Azhasca scoffed.
"'Well'? I've been a wreck for the last two years-" she started to say, but Quinn cut her off.
"With all due respect Lieutenant, you could have done worse," he told her, a frown on his face. "You stayed in Starfleet, I didn't." At her surprised look, he let out a mirthless chuckle, before continuing his story. "Yes, for a time I resigned my commission in Starfleet. I felt after all that Quinn had lost, I shouldn't repeat their mistakes and for a time I was content with that choice - until other memories surfaced, of Quinn getting through their pain.
"Now, I didn't return to service right away, it wasn't as simple as that," Quinn said quickly, sensing that Azhasca might think otherwise. "It was a long road before I could even putting the uniform on, let alone consider working toward the chair."
Quinn got up from his seat, moved to the chair right next to Azasca, sat down, and faced her. "You have done an amazing job with your Dock team, but you are capable of so much more and isn't it better to face your demons rather then hide from them?"
Azhasca was silent, staring down at the desk, her hands clenched in her lap. Although she fought not to let it show, her breathing was shallow and rapid, and she swallowed hard as she attempted to force herself to remain calm.
"I...I'll need a team," she said in a small voice, almost choking the words out. "Not just any team...my team."
"You'll have it," Quinn assured her quietly. "And a ship that befits your skills, as well."
Azhasca stood abruptly, turning towards the doorway and deliberately not facing Quinn.
"Then...I'd better go and...notify them." She cleared her throat, stood as straight as she could, and straightened her jacket.
"You'll have my crew list by the end of the day," she told him, and strode out of the office without being dismissed.
Quinn allowed her to go, understanding how much he was asking of her...and hating himself for it.
As soon as she was out of sight of Quinn's office, Azhasca found a quiet corner and slumped against the wall, burying her face in the crook of her arm. No matter how much she fought, tears began to trail down her cheeks as she sobbed quietly.
After two years avoiding it, they had finally dragged her back to the chair that she feared so much, the cause of so much pain and the reason she woke screaming in the middle of the night.
She was tempted to take a random pick of officers...but she knew that if she was to survive this time, she needed people she trusted, people she could rely on. That meant Bobbi, Womers, a handful of others.
She scrubbed her eyes with her sleeve, shook herself off, and walked towards the shuttle bay. She'd need the longer journey to organise her thoughts...and to pray that this time, everyone she cared about would come out alive.
