Seven years old Sawako has already made plans for her future. She had it listed down in a calligraphy paper made of mulberry fibers, letting the piece of paper hang and dangling by the door of her closet. Every day, she would look at it with big narrowed eyes and tight lips.
Ever since their Papa passed away, their house has been gloomy. Save for the childish banter of three inseparable toddlers, Sawako made up her mind to be the light in order for their mother to cope with their loss. She didn't like how their mama chose to act like a teenager, hiding in her own room mourning as if they also didn't lose someone. But it was okay. She let her mama be.
And every month or every year, she would cross out her accomplishments once she's done a thing.
GOALS
Finish primary school as representative - done
Apply for a scholarship - done
Enroll the triplets in my primary school - done
Finish middle school as the representative - done
Finish high school as the representative
Enroll in college in Kyoto (TOKYO!)
Graduate as Cum laude (Magna or Summa)
Self-publish books before 25
Work and teach in a high school (Karasuno?)
Visit and stay in Russia for 3 months for Baba and Dyeda
Explore the whole of Japan (?)
Get married at 25 (IF)
Build a family (?)
Retire at 65
Eighteen-year-old Sawako stared at the list that exists for ten years already. It has been a while since she last took a look of what her kid-version wrote. Nothing changed much in her list. Nothing was added and nothing was erased. These were the goals that she prepared. A decade has passed and she was able to accomplish some without any complications. She was focused. She changed herself. From the loud and rowdy child that she was, she forced herself to act and think mature for her family.
For the family.
Everything she did was for them. Finish school at the top of the class for bigger opportunities and offers once she's done with school. Her personal desires came later once she's assured that her family's stable. So, she took the liberty to teach herself how to cook, how to clean, decided to observe how the triplets lived so she can prepare and provide whatever they need, how to be a good older sister, taught herself how to manage money because their mama took that long to move on and finished mourning – if it weren't for Grandpa Ukai scolding his niece.
They're stable now. Things were great for the family yet she's confused.
Despite making bento and honmei choko, Sawako realized too late. Why? Why did she cook him that bento? Why couldn't she wait for that day to pass before giving him that honmei? How could he look at her like he's the happiest?
His blushing face came into her mind and her cheeks went warm.
Why did he make a face like that?
She bit her lip. She's nervous. The image of his red cheeks and sparkling eyes seemed to have printed itself in her mind – unerasable. Her heart almost dropped as she placed a hand on the paper that was a little dusty and yellowish in color. Her fingers traced over her next seven goals before landing on the eight.
Get married at 25 (IF).
This is what keeps her from going. Why is she getting distracted now? Romance supposed to start once she's in her twenties. She's supposed to fall in love when she's old enough, commit herself to a relationship, long-term before settling down for marriage. Then build her own family – if she'll find herself wanting to tie herself with someone or if that someone would like to have children.
But she already loved someone. And she wanted to see him as young and blushing, adult and frowning, wrinkled and contented. She would like to see him play on a grander court, achieved his goals in life, overcome his struggles, and emerged as a victor of his own battle. She would like to see him mature, slowly, and in every step.
Her cheeks went warm. She pinched herself, only to wince when she did it hardened that she intended. She frowned when she caught a glimpse of red on her cheek. Sawako could not stop herself from glancing at the scroll once again before flopping down on her bed. It didn't take that long before her eyes started to tear up. But she bit her lip to hold it in.
She's close. Once spring starts and March passed, she can cross off two goals at a time. She should be happy. But she's confused and anxious.
"Stupid…"
Her eyes were half-closed when she took a glimpse of the photos on her board. Bluish-green hardened but softened when it landed on her photos with the first-year setter.
Would it be better if I didn't take that opportunity? It's not like she created something meaningful in his life that was dedicated to volleyball. And he was sixteen, he's young. He was determined and very talented. Anyone would fall in lo–
She slapped her cheek. She sighed. Sawako raised her hand in the air, still laying flat on the bed while her cheek stung a little. The feeling of his hand remained on her mind and she remembered his calloused gentle fingers that wrapped and clung itself on her own. How his face would blush when she would catch him staring, and how his face would suddenly morph into something terrifying that would make her spine felt a chill sometimes.
"I wish I could…" hold your hand forever.
But she didn't want to be selfish. She's happy when she's with him. Her heart was leaping in joy by feeling his blunt warmth by her side, hearing his voice that says straightforward words, and seeing that dorky grin of his. Sawako loves him. She wanted to keep those for herself.
Can you wait?
Is choosing her dreams over love a selfless act or a selfish one? Is establishing herself first a wrong thing despite feeling pain like this?
You can't. And you perhaps, you won't.
Her mind went on a repeat. Every time, she would ponder over her dreams. She knew she was thinking foolishly over petty matters. But she couldn't help but think if she should postpone a possible romance over her dreams. It was what she made for herself. She made an oath that she would follow through with it. But her heart aches for him, she wanted to choose him.
Only if it's mutual.
How would she know if it's mutual without risking her heart? She couldn't bear the sight of her crying mama; she didn't want to go through it. It would destroy her. That's why the self comes first before romance.
That's why, on the following day, she opted to observe Kageyama-kun.
Another foolish move. But it saddened her. Once she left for Tokyo, will something change in his life? Will he wish to have seen her more? She enjoyed every moment with him. Even the silent and awkward ones. Does he love her? Perhaps, she was just an "onee-san" and a "senpai" that happened to look after him because she found him endearing. Perhaps, she was an older "friend" that he didn't mind tagging along on her journey and movie viewing.
"Because I love you…" She whispered to the air.
Her ears perked up when she heard familiar voices coming nearer. In front of the vending machine that she frequents, Sawako took a peek and became alarmed when orange and black combination was nearing towards the machine she was standing beside. Immediately, her feet scrambled and it moved to bring her to a place away from the machine. She was just in time to hide in a corner.
It was when her world crashed that she hoped she didn't hear anything and should have left the area immediately. She didn't mean to eavesdrop but she purposely stayed to listen.
"How're the letters going?" Hinata-kun began and she stilled.
Letters…?
"I left it in her shoe locker."
Her grip around the carton tightened.
"What did you write? Didja say that you liked her there?"
Like?
"Why would I tell you that?"
He likes… someone?
A gasp. "Don't tell me that you still didn't know how to write a love letter… poor senpai."
Senpai? Who? Which senpai?
"I slid it in her locker. There's no way I'll make a mistake, dumbass. Now, get your ass moving."
Sawako waited before the freak twins left. Standing behind the wall, she waited for their footsteps to disappear. And when the sound of bouncing and smacked balls echoing inside the gymnasium, her feet moved to leave the area. Her mind could only think of what she heard and, in a hurry, her legs brought her to where the shoe lockers are, swiftly placed a hand over hers. Her heart was anticipating something. Hoping that there's a folded piece of paper that was on her loafers. She noticed her hand shaking and Sawako felt like crying.
This has been bugging her. If he felt the same way all these time… she could… I could…
Sawako felt like crying. Even more so when she opened the small metal door and found no piece of paper but her loafers alone.
If only he felt the same way…
"I… see…"
It's not me.
Sawako gently closed the door. Her arm limped on her side. The energy was suddenly drained from her as she blinked. And another. And again. The action was meant to see clearly but her vision was getting blurry instead. Her knees trembled and her eyes slowly began to burn.
Soon, Sawako started to leave – to go to the nearest bathroom. She made no sound and wasted no time as pushed the door of the last cubicle. She locked the door and sat on the closed toilet. Right there and then, the liquid that made her eyes glassy was too much, she couldn't keep it anymore.
Sawako chose to silently weep and smiled bitterly to nothing before sighing her woes.
When she returned to class, Sawako acted as nothing happened. She didn't hear a thing and found a truth. She didn't see a thing and didn't just hear her heart wept earlier. She has cried enough inside the cubicle and washed her tear-stained face. Yet no matter what she did, she was still unable to conceal the redness and her slightly puffy eyes. Good thing that she didn't choke on her sobs.
"Eh?"
She gave a tight-lipped smile to Daichi who was talking to a small group of guys at the teacher's desk.
"Sawa?"
She felt his grip on her arm. It tugged her, pulling her to face him when she tried to cover through her bangs. "Oi. Hey – Have you been crying?"
She nervously chuckled. This is bad. Daichi has sharp eyes. "Sort of." She controlled herself from playing with the tips of her hair – a habit that she formed when she's nervous and shy. And this was Daichi, her friend for the longest time. He would know that something was up if she let herself play her hair.
He was silent for a moment before his face contorted into fear. "Don't tell me…" His grip on her arm loosened. "Are the exam results out today? Did you… failed?"
Ah.
A pause before she fell into a short succession of blinks. A smile adorned her face. "No, no, no." She giggled. "It'll be out next week, second of March."
The worry in his face eased a little. "Then, what's wrong?"
Sawako smiled. Sorry, Daichi. "Just nervous breakdown."
A blink. Daichi smiled, making Sawako internally in relief. "I see. You'll pass. You did fine."
"Thank you, Daichi."
With what her eavesdropping brought her earlier, Sawako didn't have the heart to learn about to whom Kageyama-kun's letter was addressed. She would probably hunt that person – stalk her to find what made him like her. And no matter what she'll find, it'll only hurt her more.
So, she chose to just set it aside and pretend she didn't learn a thing. She hoped she didn't hear Satsuki telling her that someone made the mistake of dropping their love letter in her locker. It only made her think if that letter was really for her friend – that it was Satsuki whom Kageyama-kun likes.
But she heard anyway, which added a tear to her heart.
On the first weekend of March, Sawako woke up earlier feeling blank. Lately, she has been sleeping after crying herself to sleep. She wallowed and sunk herself to regret the days pulling the shy card on him. If her family noticed her sudden change, they didn't say anything. But she was sure that she hid it so well as she has done it before. She didn't bring out her family back on its feet with anything but staying strong for them. Hiding her pain was the easiest way not to disturb the brightness in their home. She worked hard for it for years.
Besides, how can she tell them once they found out? Her family was ecstatic and her mother loves him to claim the lad as her son-in-law.
They would be devastated.
She mused as she came downstairs. The light was already switched on and the sound of the knife incessantly chopping on something against the board rang inside their silent home.
Short, messy blonde hair looked up from the counter when she entered. "Good morning."
Sawako smiled at the sight of the youngest Harukaze in a white apron. "Good morning, Succhan."
She walked towards the counter to get a cup and saucer. She boiled water first and pout it to the cup once the kettle whistled. Without any words being uttered, she continued to do what was their morning routine. With her, making a coffee for their father and Suzaku making their breakfast.
It was one of those regular days that she shared a meal with her family as usual. She cleaned the house as usual with Kirin and Suzaku's help. It's like nothing changed and that was good. That was enough for Sawako. It meant that nothing was damaged and nothing has changed. The only thing that bothers her now would be the result of the entrance exams. Her feelings for the pretty setter came later once she saw the product of her hard work.
That would be today.
Despite being confident that she'll pass just months prior and with the people she cared for were confident that she will, Sawako was nervous. It was the result after all. If she passed, she'll leave. And if she'll have to leave, she should prepare herself to say goodbye – to the town that saw her grew up, to the house that she mended, to the school she treated as her second home, to her friends that she made memorable days, to her family that she first saw and the last group of people to be within a day, and to him, that made her feel that she loved.
Sawako sighed when her eyes began to sting.
Sawako stared at the board with wide eyes. She stood behind, deciding not to join the pile of bodies in front that held results. She can't hear anything lately. She knew that some jumped, howled, and cried in joy. Some have disappointed and hurt looks on their faces. From the corner of her eyes, she could see shocked faces and voices of disbelief. People grouped in and would yelp in victory. Some would pat someone on the back, hearing whispers of comfort.
But it didn't matter to her. The number on the board matched with the printed number on the paper she's holding.
[ 0324 – Harukaze Sawako ]
She passed.
"Harukaze Sawako." Her voice came out as a whisper to the air and a verse to the wind that passed.
Happiness. She can now cross that one goal in her life once she's home. She can now tell their grandparents in Russia that she's going to a fine university in the city. She can now ease the reluctant worries of her friends and family. She can now sleep without thinking of this outcome. Because it's what she wanted. It was one of her goals. Although she originally planned to Kyoto, she only changed the venue of the university she'll attend because of one person.
But what is the point? He doesn't feel the same way.
This only made her heart ached. It's a dot. She's going to leave.
The paper wrinkled in her hand. She bit her lip. Sawako wanted to throw it or rip the paper into shreds but she didn't. She sighed. Her fingers folded the paper and she kept it in her wallet. Sawako turned around to leave the area. She's headed to the convenience store where her mama parked the car in front.
The convenience store where he stayed while she took her exams.
She bit her lip, looking down while she waited for the light to turn red. When it changed colors, she crossed the road and approached the black car in front. Her mother was inside the store and Sawako couldn't bring herself to go inside as memories of that certain blue-eyed beauty would only fill her mind.
So, she stood outside to wait. Tilting her chin upward, her eyes landed on the blue sky. So vast, so brightly covered with puffy, soft clouds. Sawako's heart clenched. If he didn't like me, why did he do all those things with me, then? If he did like someone else, is he also doing the same thing to that person?
"You idiot…" She murmured.
The door opened, leaving the song of wind chimes in the air. Sawako darted her gaze and it landed on the short figure of her smiling mother that held a bag of ice cream.
"Let's go?" The woman raised her arm that held the bag. There was a kind smile on her face as she asked her. Sawako nodded.
The car made a sound and she went for the door by the passenger seat; Miki was the driver and slid inside in front of the wheel. Her fingers moved automatically and secured herself with a seatbelt. Miki's still smiling and Sawako nodded at her once she's settled. With that, the car's engine revved on and left the convenience store. For Sawako, she hoped she have left that place as well with that wonderful memory last January.
That's right. No need to think any longer about what to do. The answer is obvious. It was her dreams over what she feels now.
The buildings around them changed and Sawako leaned her head closer to the window. With her eyes blankly gazing at the building they passed, her heart wept at its loss. Blue, green, gray, more of blue but suddenly, the car came to a stop. Her head jerked in confusion when she noticed that her mama was slowly parking their car in the area of the nearby park. Blinking, she stared at the older woman as she was not told of this agenda. But she remained silent and waited.
The car's engine died and it was silent for a moment. Sawako's eyes became restless and her fingers started to fidget in anxiousness. It reached for her hair and she played with it. Her mother sighed, making her look. But Miki simply stared at what was outside. It only made her nervous.
"You're not going to ask… if I passed or not?" She couldn't help but inquire at the silence of her parent.
Miki hummed. "No." The woman cheerily answered. "I knew you did it. For that, congratulations, honey. I am proud, please know that." There's that kind smile again.
Sawako was bummed. Her heart was not at peace. She nodded and watched her mama reached out for the bag she held. A small cup of cookies and cream ice cream was given to her and she accepted it. She didn't wait and opened it, placing the wrapper on the bag for the trash. Miki followed and opened another small cup of ice cream of the same flavor, imitating what she did.
After a few spoons, her mama began. "You're down lately, y'know. What's wrong?"
Her breath hitched and swiftly turned to the woman. "Nothing." She answered too quickly.
"That's obviously nothing."
"It's nothing, mama." She bit her tongue and turned her attention back to the ice cream.
She heard her mother sigh. "Is this about Tobio-kun?" She froze. "I haven't seen you interact with him outside the house. The lad's kept on standing there for hours before leaving. Are you aware of that? Did something happen?"
Sawako gaped. He was outside? How did her mama know of that when the woman's always at home late at night? Did the triplets saw him? Why didn't they tell me? But then again, why would they? She made it appear that nothing is wrong with her and acted as if he didn't exist. Every lunch break wherein she knew he would be there, Sawako would divert her eyes, pretending she didn't saw him. And when she wanted a drink, she would ask for Satsuki of Hitori to buy her something just so she would not see him.
To answer her mother's question, it is because he likes someone else. That's what happened. She thought, bitterly and confused about his actions based on her mother's statement.
Just thinking about her locker and his love letter strained her heart in pain.
Sawako shook her head. "Nothing happened." She lied through her teeth.
He likes someone else. And I'm leaving. The thought made her eyes glassy. Her selfish desire to see his blushing face that burns when he did something embarrassing, his dorky grin that was directed at her, the challenging look he would give, and the scowling, dark face suddenly found itself to warped into him doing those – showing those faces to another girl.
Sawako faced the window on the side and rest her head on the seat. The grip on her cup tightened as she bit her lip. A shudder waved through her and she released a breath. Even if it hurts her, she really couldn't lie to her mother. She already felt bad for her answers.
"He likes someone…" She started. A traitor tear escaped and rolled down on her cheek. She bit her lip once more. More tears followed and stained her cheeks. She suppressed the shake and the urge to wail. "… and it's not me."
Her mother gasped. And that was it. She faced her mama, seeing the confusion that plastered on the woman's face. With tears now streaming down her face and biting her lip to prevent herself from whimpering, she decided to just tell her mother. Sawako chose to give up bottling it knowing they'll know one way or another. She couldn't hold it anymore. This pain was different from the others that she was able to overcome.
"It's not me. All this time, it's not me. I eavesdropped… and…. he said he slipped a l-love letter in her locker. I thought it was me. So, I checked… mine. But… it wasn't there. That love letter wasn't for me. Mama, he… "She cried. Getting another spoonful of ice cream, Sawako cried. She ignored the little bit of saltiness that mixed in the ice cream and continued. "… He does not like me like how I like him. He doesn't… feel the same way. After all those things we did together, it still wasn't me…! I'm sorry…! He won't be the son-in-law you wanted to have…"
"Why?"
She turned, pausing in her sobs, surprised.
"Why does it matter if he likes someone? That child has loved. Shouldn't you be happy?' Her mother's blank face startled her.
Sawako gritted her teeth. "Happy? I couldn't be! I don't like it, mama. Just thinking of him…" She closed her eyes. "Just thinking of him smiling at her, being with her, and loving her… I hate it. I want him for me. I want him to think of me. I want him to be with me…! Nobody else…"
Amidst her sudden confession of her feelings to the lad, Sawako missed the softening look in her mother's eyes. She accepted the tissue.
"What if he likes you?"
Silence.
Sawako paused as she thought of an answer. What if he likes me…? Truly, she had just given up on him earlier. The fact that he likes someone and she passed has pushed her to continue the sequence, the chronological order of her goals in life. And if she passed and he felt the same way, perhaps… she could…
"… change the order…"
"The what?"
Sawako looked at her mother with tear-stained cheeks. No one in the family knew of these goals as she kept them to herself. Not even her mama. But here she was, trapped inside the car that was parked, subject to confess all those bottled-up feelings in her heart.
She exhaled and stared at her mother's brown eyes. "When papa died…" She trod carefully. "I wrote some goals of what I want to do in my life. Like graduating as the representative and as a cum laude. Like that. I… I included and planned to marry once I turn twenty-five if it'll happen… once I finish and achieved all of my selfish desires for myself…"
Miki smiled. "That's nice. What's with the change?"
"If he likes me…" Sawako smiled. "If he loves me, I'm going to be selfish… or selfless…?" Huh? "… and choose to be with him."
Is choosing her dreams a selfish or a selfish one? Is choosing to ignore her feelings a selfish act or a selfish one? Has she been selfish or selfless the whole time? She was sure that all the things she did for her family were her being selfish as she did it through her personal accomplishments. She knew she was selfish the whole time. But why does it felt like she's not being one when she gained something from serving her family?
"You've got it wrong, my child." She blinked. Her mama's fingers rucked a hair strand behind her ear. "Choosing yourself is a selfish act. To study for yourself, to be happy with your friends, to make your dreams come true… you gained something, a credit. That's a selfish act. You focused on your own merit."
"But I also gained something when I'm serving the family, though." She countered. "I'm happy when you're all happy or when you achieved something."
Her mama sighed. "You did it for us. Not for yourself."
No. It's for me, as well. She wanted to defend herself, to protest, but her mama shushed her before she could continue.
"What is it that you want right now?"
She was silent for a moment. What I want right now? Her cheeks turned warm when an answer came into mind. Sawako tried her best and it's the best answer she came up with – the most rational and sensible answer. "To see him grow. Achieve our dreams together."
Her mama smiled. "There you go. Together."
Sawako's eyebrows narrowed. "But that's only if he loves me, too."
A pout. She was surprised when she received a chop on the head. "Mou~ Why are you jumping to conclusions?"
"Because he told Hinata-kun that–"
"Did he tell you?"
"Eh?" She blinked.
"Did Tobio-kun tell you what he felt for you? Have you asked him?"
She shook her head. It only made her feel so little at her mama's glare. "I'm... afraid… to hear it from him directly."
A sigh. Sawako watched in worry when her mother took a spoonful of the ice that has already melted and more liquid. She waited as she finished hers, placing it inside the plastic bag from the convenience store. Miki followed her movements once her mother's done with her own cup.
To her surprise, her mother started to drive. Bare of nothing to hold, Sawako nervously glanced at her mother that stirred and maneuvered the wheel silently.
When they got away from the park, it was only when her mama answered did Sawako realized that she was acting immature.
"You're my daughter. Not a chicken."
After that unexpected talk with her mother, it was late for Sawako to realize that she actually spilled the beans to her mother. Not against nor dislike at the fact, she was bare in the car. And she let her mother see how hard she's coping with her problem. That, and she actually told her what she truly felt for the lad. She was finally able to say it in front of someone else and not the wind.
I love him.
Her first love.
Sawako covered her face with the pillow as she sat on the chair, in front of her table, seeing her corkboard that has her pictures with Kageyama-kun. Lots of pictures that were able to eternalize a moment and themselves. She can see herself happy in every picture and she wanted to remain that way.
How strange. She couldn't believe that she actually loved someone now. To someone promising at that. To someone younger. But despite being younger, Sawako still feels the same. Even if he's the older, she knew, she'll love him still. Because it's Kageyama Tobio.
Sawako hugged her knees, her chin on top of the pillow as her eyes remained on the photos. Maybe, perhaps, even if you're far… I will still love you.
So, she cried, unable to stop her mind to think of who was the girl that he likes. For he has like someone and the days that she spent with him will be forever engraved in her mind. She hoped that he'll not forget those and think of them as special like what she thinks.
What if he likes you?
Even if he didn't feel the same way.
With one last look and smile at his printed blushing face and the calligraphy paper that has been hanging on the closet door, Sawako drifted to sleep. Miki's words echoed.
You're my daughter. Not a chicken."
Sawako spent the next weekend processing her application papers. Miki was once again supportive and drove her to and from. Just like on the day of the results, they spent spare hours in the park where she blatantly admitted her feelings for a certain first year. This time, they watched the Sakura trees slowly bloom with just on their pink buds. Hanami would be just around the corner and Sawako couldn't wait to embrace the new season of beginnings.
At the same time, her mother helped her pick a place to stay for her tertiary life. With a number of agreeable conditions and rules, both the raven-haired Harukaze settled on an apartment a block away from the university. It was a small room with one bed, a kitchen, and a personal bathroom that Sawako saw as enough to accommodate her need for a place to say for four years. And the landlady was very kind.
It was set that she has to move her things to the apartment after her graduation.
"That soon?" Koushi gasped after Sawako relayed to them the news of her departure.
Sawako nodded. "There's still a couple of days before I leave."
Daichi's brows narrowed but they straightened as he smiled. "That's understandable. It's Tokyo after all. You'll have to adjust."
"Will you be okay on your own?" Sawako turned to Kiyoko.
She smiled. "I'll be fine." Then, she looked at Asahi. Sawako sighed. "This won't be the last time we'll see each other. Don't start looking like it's the end of the world."
The former ace chuckled, nervously. "Tokyo still sounds like it's on the other country."
Sawako smiled bitterly at that. "Yeah."
She knew. That's what made her anxious. After talking with her mother, it managed to calm her down and eased her nerves. Still, it didn't take away the heaviness in her heart. She's still wary of her future especially now that she already submitted her papers and has a place to stay in the city.
"I will miss your tamagoyaki, Sawako," Kiyoko mumbled, looking at the egg roll she placed.
Sawako curtly smiled. "I'll miss y'all, too."
Koushi pouted. "It's kind of unfair that you and Asahi can meet whenever."
"Sorry, last minute."
Sawako curtly smiled as they continued to eat their lunch.
On the last week… on the last week of her high school days, Sawako was unable to tell Kageyama-kun what she truly wanted to feel. Despite the urgency, the feeling of dread, her fear, and the sadness the idea has brought her, she reverted back to watching him from afar. Even after finding the answer with the help of her mother, she was still unable to approach the lad after avoiding him days prior to the result of the exam.
White Day passed and she was hiding. She skipped class for the second time. She pretended she was sick just so she wouldn't be able to see what he got for White Day to her or to the girl he likes. She knew she was wasting time again. But she couldn't act as if there's nothing wrong. She might blurt it out and she wasn't ready.
Every day, she would wake up with a heavy heart. Her bluish-green eyes would immediately look for his printed face on her board and she began to feel melancholy. Every day, she would rehearse, in her mind, words to say yet every day, she resulted to gaze, to glance, and check how Kageyama-kun's faring on the last week of his first year in high school.
When will she be ready? When will I be ready?
She did her best not to worry her friends. Sawako was aware that they knew – that they knew before she became aware that she has feelings for the treasured king of the court. But what did she expect? They were her friends. That was why she found herself cornered by two odd combinations of grey and pink.
"So, what do you think of Kageyama?"
She blankly looked at them, trying so hard to fight the pink that dusted on her cheeks but failed. "What I think…" She pouted at the grinning faces of Satsuki and Koushi. "Ugh… Why ask me if you already knew?" She whined.
Koushi placed a hand on top of her head, ruffling her hair a little. "We were just worried…"
"About?" Sawako tilted her head. They noticed, didn't they?
The two shared a look.
"Graduating without telling him what you feel." Satsuki continued. Sawako noticed that her friend was glaring at her. "If you think we didn't notice how you looked so down since Valentine's ended, that is what you think."
"That and Kageyama's kind of developed a habit of looking at your house after training. It's worrying. Creepy by the way."
Sawako bit the inside of her cheek and looked away. "Sorry… I just got a little… overdramatic." That's ironic. She peeked through her bangs and found confusion. Sawako sighed. "I heard he slipped a love letter. I got none. So, I did some drama."
"Love letter, you say?" Her friend chuckled. "That guy has been trying so hard and impatient."
Satsuki hummed. "It's a mistake that has led to a misunderstanding."
"Eh?" What did she say? "Mistake? Who's?"
Satsuki blinked. Sawako was surprised when Koushi slapped the pink-haired arm.
"That hurt, baka-Suga."
"Ara? Sorry, my hand slipped."
"I'm sure that you did that on purpose."
"I swear, I didn't. You are mistaken."
Huh? Since when did these two become likes this? She watched Koushi and Satsuki banter in front of her. Satsuki was glaring at Koushi and the lad was surprisingly mellow, smiling innocently as if he didn't just actually slap the arm a moment ago. Sawako saw yet they didn't ask her and continued their childish banter. The question of who made a mistake, what misunderstanding lingered in her mind.
She flinched when Koushi suddenly turned to her. "What?"
The third-year setter smiled. "Just talk to him. You won't know unless you do, okay?"
Sawako nodded, flabbergasted at their interaction. But she already agreed and her mother has the right to know of their development. Besides, the days are running short on her end.
That's why, that night, exactly on the night before her graduation, she opened the chain of messages with Kageyama-kun and typed a message. She found herself cramming as if she forgot homework to do and was due the very next day.
Date: 03/18 20:45
To: Kageyama Tobio
Subject: Tomorrow
Can we talk after the ceremony?
Cries. Farewells. Hugs. Joy. Anxiety. Dread. Excitement. Expectation.
Sawako can feel them all. Clad in her school uniform; a white blouse, red ribbon, cream sweater, black blazer, and gray skirt. It felt like any regular day. But there was one – another ribbon that marked her as a graduating… no, a graduate student of Karasuno High School.
Bluish-green eyes scanned the area and Sawako smiled at the sight before her. Three years ago, she was a new student here, sporting another ribbon that marked her as a freshman of the school. How those three years have passed and she already got a hold of her diploma.
Her grip on the important document loosened upon the sight of Kageyama-kun listening to her friends' farewell. He was nodding, quiet. She jumped at the touch of her brother's hand on her shoulder. Suzaku blankly looked at her, his own bluish-green darted to her face then to the group she was looking at.
"Oh. Take your time." He said and left her standing in the middle of a crowded area. It made her wonder how did he knew of her plan but was grateful for understanding.
She watched her brother joined her family, catching her mother waved at her when their eyes met. Sawako bowed at the sight of her classroom advisor that was with her mother. Takeda-sensei had been crying. He was a good teacher and she also aspired to be like him. One day, she would like to be in their league.
But right now, she has a task to finish.
So, when Sawako looked back at the group, she was stunned to see the team already looking in her direction. To her, it seemed like the second-years, particularly Tanaka-kun and Nishinoya-kun wanted to approach her. but a shake from Daichi's head, a comforting smile from Asahi and Kiyoko, and a thumbs-up from Koushi made her sigh.
They nudged Kageyama-kun in her direction. It made her nerves shake and her knees weakened. So, when their eyes met, that was all that Sawako wanted.
She nodded at him, and slowly moved away from the spot where she currently stood and towards the vending machine near the gymnasium. After all, everything started there.
"Harukaze-san."
She faced the lad. "Kageyama-kun."
His face looked constipated at that moment, making Sawako wonder what was wrong with him. it made her worry, especially when he started gritting his teeth, biting his lips, and clenching his fist hard that his shoulders shook. And his eyes…
Sawako was very nervous. She looked down, started staring at her loafers and his shoes. His eyes looked sad.
She bit her lip, clutching her heart, and looked at him. "Um…"
"Um…"
Both of their eyes widened in surprise. They said it at the same time and the sight of his red cheeks made her blush. Her heart ached more than it could. Sawako looked down again. Where's she going to start? What to say first? She hoped, whatever she'll say from now on, won't hurt her – him. She hoped. She hoped…
She closed her eyes and opened her mouth to say…
"Ilikeyoupleasegooutwithme."
A pregnant pause.
Bluish-green eyes blinked and caught sight of his relaxed fist. Slowly, her eyes trailed upward – from his hands to his shoulders, up to his relaxed jaw, red cheeks, and soft eyes… it was soft when they met but then he panicked.
Did she hear him right?
"What?"
His face was covered with red. No matter how dark he may look right now, the sight of his flustered face has engraved in her mind.
Did she really hear him right?
"Say it again." She was breathless.
She watched him slowly calm himself down. What once a panicked look, relaxed. Yet the redness remained. Her breath hitched when he looked into her eyes. And Sawako's heart leaped.
Her eyes started to become glassy when he repeated. This time, slowly, loud and clear. "… I like you. Please, go out with… me."
Pink plumps quivered and released a sigh. She heard him right. She heard him right.
He likes her. He likes me. It… was me.
Just talk to him. You won't know unless you do, okay?
She felt her breath hitching at his words. Is that true? But he was not a good liar. Yet she could not stop herself from feeling disbelief. What about that person? The receiver of his love letter? So, it was her all along and she was hiding from him all that time?
Stupid self.
"I made a mistake." He said, catching her attention. "I thought I… slipped the letter in your locker but Aizawa-san returned it to me. She said I mistook hers for yours. I slid it to your mail, too. But ugh… your… the triplets told me about it and they returned my letter. I tried to tell you in person after that but you… um… Eh? Oi-wh?! What's wrong?!"
Suddenly became aware, Sawako wiped the salty tears that streamed from her eyes with the sleeve of her blazer.
What's wrong? What's wrong was how she originally planned to tell him but when she started to review and saw her scroll, she began to have doubts. It only worsened when she eavesdropped and misunderstood. What was wrong was when she planned to keep her feelings for herself and chose not to confess. What was wrong was how she got dramatic over that matter, choosing the coward move, to chicken on her feelings, and avoided him. Because she was focused on herself that she didn't see how she was hurting him as well.
And Sawako didn't plan to hurt him.
You're my daughter. Not a chicken.
Disregarding the fact that she's crying, Sawako grabbed his hand. She felt him tensed and relaxed a moment after Kageyama-kun's hands were calloused and rough but it was warm. Bigger than my hands.
She stepped closer and fortunately, he didn't back away. Sawako looked up at his face once more and smiled. With a tug, she wrapped her arms around his neck. She felt him went stiff and unmoving, probably surprised at what she did. She didn't feel his hands on her hips nor on her shoulders, or on her back but Sawako knew… he's with her.
Kami. She has always wanted to hug him. To squeeze the life out of him, to embrace him… she sighed, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. And let go, but she held his and once more, looking at his face that started looking odd that was a mixture of confusion, curiosity, surprise, joy, and for some reason, hurt, panicked, and sadness.
Sawako smiled at him. "I like you, too."
Everything, suddenly… everything was lifted on her shoulders.
She watched his eyes widening while he froze. Sawako couldn't stop herself from smiling so wide at his reaction. He was too cute. She squeezed his hand. "I like you." She repeated, peering upwards at his shocked face. "I like you." She said it again.
Kageyama-kun blinked, recovering from his state of shock. In response, he squeezed her hand back, a little bit tight, looking at her eyes with so much red on his face. "I heard you loud and clear. No need to repeat it." He was still gritting his teeth.
But it didn't matter, she didn't care. "I like you too, Kageyama-kun." She smiled sadly.
To think that she doubted his actions. Actions speak louder than words, huh. She should've leaned on the phrase as it fits the lad so well, knowing his nature. And she should know by now how he is as a person for she spent more than enough time to learn and observe how he thinks and act. He deserved an apology.
"I'm sorry." She heard a surprised grunt from him. "I was actually… avoiding you." She looked back on his confused and hurt eyes. "I overheard your talk and… um, about love letters… so I just checked mine and it just my shoes so I got… you know… got sad. I acted on what I only know."
"Oh. Sorry, that was my fault."
She shook her head, finding their situation now a little funny. "I'm at fault, too."
He mumbled something incoherent that she guessed it was his frustrations of what he did and what happened. But Sawako let it past and continued to look at him. When he's done, he looked away. But no matter what he did, it didn't hide the fact that he looked like a cute tomato.
Then he looked back. "Congratulations on your graduation."
Her smile dropped just as she looked down at their shoes. Ah, reality. "Thank you…" She answered and squeezed his hand once more. She giggled at the idea that she's liking the gesture of squeezing hands. "I don't want to say goodbye, though."
He squeezed her hand, making her stomach feel the fleeting unexplainable fluttering inside her. Surprised, Sawako let out a small squeak when a cold object touched her cheek. When faced, her eyes landed on this blue phone and the familiar koala keychain.
That's…!
"Who says I'm saying goodbye?" Her eyes met his. He waved his blue phone in front of her, pouting.
Blinking, Sawako reached for her phone in her pocket. She had difficulty taking it off as she's still holding her diploma and his hand. His fingers clung to hers and have no plan to let it go. She found it oddly charming that he can be clingy, too. Alas, it was out. She couldn't stop herself from smiling at the sight of a dangling identical koala that was also attached to her phone.
And then, it sunk.
It doesn't have to be every day. While she's going to be in Tokyo and he's here at Torino, they can make plans. They can meet on agreeable days and times. They can talk every night. They can drop updates every time. She can – they can make it work. There's no problem in balancing her studies and romantic relationship. She managed to balance her academics and life at home, she can do it with someone else and that's him – Kageyama-kun.
Sawako was being foolish indeed.
"It doesn't have to be every day." She told him, feeling like laughing and crying at the same time.
Her mind wandered back to the lone picture on the cabinet. Sawako, as usual, was the one who offered a coffee. Their father, Nikolai Pavlov or Harukaze Nikolai née Pavlov, was a pilot who was away a number of times due to the nature of his work. Their mother, Harukaze Miki, was probably alone on the days, years even, that they're apart. If her parents can, perhaps, they can as well. And her parents threw a few pre-planned priorities when they met. But still, they made it work. Her father became a pilot and her mother graduated. They got wed and they were able to build a family of their own. Life was stable and it was happy.
If mama can, I can.
Sawako grinned. "I like you, Kageyama-kun." She started, startling him once more as she repeated her confession. She squeezed his hand which shut him up. "I really don't want to say goodbye nor part from you. But this has to happen. I'm still going. I'm going to make a name for myself like how you're doing well." She waved her phone at him. "Is it okay to send you mails? I'd like to keep in touch."
In which, he nodded, grinning. "Of course."
She smiled. "I'll… I'll go home every weekend as well."
"Huh? Why?"
Her smiled fell. "You don't want to see me?"
He frowned. "That's not what I mean!" He put his phone back in his pocket. "If you can, it's okay. But if you can't… I'll come to you." He mumbled.
She paused. She stared. "I love you."
Sawako really likes his blushing face. "L-love… Tsk. I know. And quit looking like that."
She couldn't help but feel giddy. I love him. "I can't help it." She admitted. "You're making effort… to make this work."
He made a face. And she liked that, as well. "Naturally. Harukaze-san will be busy 'coz it's a university. Even on a weekend, whether you like it or not, I can go. You'll just wait and rest where you stay."
Is this it? What her half-blessing meant?
Her heart swelled with pride and joy. This person standing beside her, holding her hand, not letting her go, was the person she loves. This person was pure volleyball – volleyball freak, volleyball maniac, volleyball idiot – and now, he loves her, too. He's making effort and crud… she felt like crying again. With a smile, she pulled his hand and began to walk. He followed silently behind, then catching up to her to walk by her side. She squeezed his hand one more time…
"Are we dating now?"
"Huh?" She turned to him. "Are we not?"
He didn't answer. Instead, he looked away but squeezed her hand so hard. But Sawako didn't want to submit herself and fought back. She gripped his hand back until he gave. It made her giggle.
"Thank you, Kageyama-kun. I'm looking forward to being in your care."
He looked surprised and there was a notable blush on his cheeks. "Likewise… Harukaze-san."
"I love you."
"I know."
Sawako just smiled, walking beside him. She couldn't stop herself from grinning, especially when he whispered.
"… I love you, too."
He loves me, too.
Sawako looked up at the trees around the campus. Pink buds bloomed and showcased its beautiful, soft, and thin petals. It swayed and danced with the wind before coming to a stop as they kissed the ground void of snow. She glanced at the person beside her – boyfriend – and smiled. Her heart beats so much for him and she's so happy to be holding his hands as they both knew they have tomorrow with each other.
Spring is for a new beginning
OMAKE
Despite failing on the love letter through shoe locker, Kageyama Tobio doesn't give up easily. He won't let Hinata tell him that. "Man, you suck, Kageyama-kun." Again.
So, this time, he'll go for something personal. As he stood outside the Harukaze household with a brand-new letter in hand.
Right. Cleared. Left. Cleared. Lights. They're on. But, no one was in their garden. Good. Silently, and trying to be invisible, he slid the paper, folded, inside their mailbox. And right after doing so, he nodded to himself and started walking away as if nothing happened at all. He was sure that he'll get it right this time. Yet why was he bombarded by the triplets on a lunch break the next day?
"I apologize, Kageyama-kun. I was the one in charge to get mails for the week. Here." The other girl told him, placing the folded paper that he just inserted last night on his table.
"Were you trying to give it to Sawa-nee?! HAHAHA! Epic fails number two. Just like Hicchan said!"
"If I were you, I'd just give it to her in person."
"HUH? How bold of you to say that, young lad. You broke some hearts!"
"Stop assuming you're older when we're in the same age."
"Succhan, Torin, com'n. we're helping Kageyama-kun on this."
"THIS? Pft. He would just spout that he likes volleyball or buns."
"So, I've heard. That was understandable yet stupid."
"Understandable? You actually understand how hard confessing was?! After rejecting some?!"
"Huh? So, you have confessed."
"You liked someone, Torin?"
"W-Well, yeah. What if I did?"
"You must've been rejected. Poor you."
"Succhan, that wasn't nice. Can we go back to the main agenda?"
"Yeah, yeah. As if you'll understand a girl's heart."
"You're not a girl, gorilla."
"WHY YOU–!"
"Hey, guys..."
And so, Kageyama Tobio was forgotten. He died the moment the other girl told him that it wasn't Harukaze-san again.
note:
I SIGH IN RELIEF. finally. And that was longer. FINALLY! And no, it's not yet the ending.
Holy mowly, look at the favorites and follows! Thank you so much to those who added Superfluous in their alert and list of favorites. Thank you to those as well who marked me as their favorite author and followed me. I couldn't express myself well enough on how grateful I was ever since I received an alert that there has been an addition in the number of reviews, favorites, and follows. I literally woke up smiling at the mail today!
I will be forever grateful for the names here for this fic. I gave birth to Sawako because I wanted to share with the world what I felt about last-minute confession. It's funny how she was able to receive reciprocated feelings while I got words of gratitude with the "Sis-zoned" banner waving at me.
Kageyama lover: As I've said from the previous chapters, YOU NAILED THE CONFESSION PART!
DameDayo: Thank you so much! I didn't know but it made my heart flutter in happiness.
Until next time!
