Chapter Fifty Five:
The walk to Szayel's palace, his laboratory, was leisurely. The distance to the lab from the King's Suite was quite a journey, but it wasn't unpleasant. Shiro spoke little with Aizen, most of his attention spent entirely on the girl on his shoulders. She was so carefree with him, lacking all the anxiety and uncertainty of the other Arrancar.
She was so different to the Espada he'd met, they all had that vague aura of apprehension when he was around, no matter how much they tried to hide it, he could still feel it tickling around the edges. Nel wasn't like that, she was pure and innocent and didn't seem to care that he looked like he could tear her in two if he was so inclined.
He was sure that under normal circumstances, anyone being as clingy as she was would have irritated him, but on the contrary, her instant reliance on him roused inherent feelings from him that he could only assume were either fraternal or paternal. He immediately put it down to Ichigo having had sisters and grumbled inwardly, but he couldn't find any venom as he glanced up at the grinning girl on his shoulders. He couldn't be mad.
Aizen opened the door to the laboratory for him, he muttered his appreciation and headed inside, bouncing Nel playfully before sweeping her down into his arms, looking around for the pink haired Espada who usually wasn't too far away from the experiments littering his every work surface.
"Yo, Szayel, ya here?" He called out, venturing further inside.
"Yes, yes I'm here. Give me a moment." The exasperated tones of the scientist came from a side room, "Goodness me I don't know how I ever get any work done with people always coming in and out of here. Treating it like a blasted hotel."
"My apologies, Szayel," Aizen brushed his fingers over one of the counters, "I thought I would be welcome within the many walls of my own home."
The startled squawk that followed made Shiro chuckle, instantly a bespectacled face appeared in the doorway, whiskey eyes wide, "I am terribly sorry Aizen-sama! I had no idea you were here as well. What can I help-"
The scientists eyes lifted towards the child in his arms and Szayel's whole demeanour changed momentarily, fingers tightening on the wooden door frame as an audible gulp refused to escape Shiro's notice.
"I found her in the sands. Aizen-sama suggested maybe you would be able to reverse the damage done to her mask and restore her to her true form." The Cero explained.
She let out a small gasp as she saw the pink haired Espada, whispering more to herself than anyone else, "Szayel-sama, Octavo Espada..."
"N-Nelliel..." Szayel half staggered from the side room, hurrying over to them and guiding them to one of the medical beds, "I wasn't sure we would ever see her again. What... Fortune that you found her..."
Frowning at his tone of voice, Shiro carefully laid Nel on the bed, smiling faintly at how it dwarfed her in size, "It was definitely lucky. So what do ya think, can ya help her?"
"I'd need to run some tests." The pink haired Espada waved a hand to shoo him aside, "And perhaps conduct a few experiments... But the damage seems quite extensive. Does she remember who she was?"
"Nel is Nel!" She piped up, crawling down the bed towards the white Hollow and lifting her arms expectantly, "Right, Shiro?"
He couldn't help but grin at her, she was utterly adorable and he instantly scooped her up as she requested, bouncing her gently in his arms, "Too right, kid."
"That's a no then." The scientist muttered to himself before he stared at them, raising an eyebrow, "Does she have any idea who and what you are?"
Chuckling as he felt Nel nuzzling his neck again, he rubbed her back, "Course she does. She doesn't mind. I think she's just glad someone can keep her safe."
"And you are fine for her to address you so... Casually?"
Blinking, he stared at Szayel, "I don't care about titles and all that... I just want her to be safe and happy." He stroked his fingers through her hair gently, "I can't help but wonder who could have hurt her though... Leavin' her out in the sands like that..."
"It would take a certain sort of person for sure." The scientist sighed.
The Cero's eyes narrowed as he saw Szayel's hands shake very slightly at his thoughts, and he clenched his teeth, shuffling Nel until she was balanced on his hip again he snatched a hand out and grabbed the front of the Octavo's uniform, yanking him closer.
"Ya know somethin'." He stated.
Whiskey eyes flicked to Aizen for a moment, probably in hopes of being rescued from the bipolar attitude of the albino.
"If you are aware of anything relating to her injuries... I would suggest you share it quickly." Aizen said simply.
"Alright!" He squeaked, recoiling slightly at the flare of anger on the albino's face, "Nnoitra came to me a few years ago and asked to borrow some technology. It was before I became the Octavo, and it was a no questions asked agreement. The next day... Nelliel was reported missing."
Releasing his grip instantly, Shiro glanced down at Nel, his eyes lingering on her scar and her broken mask, there was a tremble of anger that quivered through him. He knew Nnoitra hated losing, the only reason he handled it so well when they sparred was because he knew he could have a rematch whenever he wanted one, but the idea that the man had used some kind of artificial ability to ensure his victory made him seem pathetic.
"Did he know she had survived?"
Szayel was going to hold his tongue, but a single look from Aizen brought his voice forwards, "Yes. He threw her and her Fracción from the roof."
Shiro put Nel down on the bed instantly, through fear that he might break her as his grip tightened. He puffed out a long breath and rested his hands on the end of the mattress, "Did ya have any idea about any of this?" He asked the brunet beside him, shooting him a questioning glance.
"I suspected Nnoitra had a hand in her disappearance, but I had no idea she was still alive." Came an honest sounding reply, "He will be punished for this, I promise you that."
"Let me deal with him." The white Hollow's question came out as more of a demand but he looked the man in the eye, trying to convey the need he felt to sort the Quinto out, to avenge Nel's shattered life, "Please?"
Aizen stared at him for several long moments, the tension in the laboratory was almost palpable, brunet eyes flicked down to the large and curious hazel ones belonging to the child Espada on the bed, her head was tilted on one side and her mouth was hanging open, flashing sharp teeth. He was taken aback by the way she was looking at his Cero Espada, there was adoration, affection, admiration. He couldn't work out why Shiro felt so attached to someone he'd met less than an hour previously, and then it hit him.
"She reminds you of the twins." He said aloud, raising an eyebrow as his Cero flinched.
"The twins?" Szayel repeated curiously.
Shiro gritted his teeth to the point of pain, lowering his gaze as embarrassment struck him like a slap to the face, "She does."
"Do not kill him. Do not remove his mask. Anything else is permissible."
Gold eyes snapped to brown and he let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding, "Understood." He hesitated and glanced at Nel, he didn't want to leave her with Szayel, but he didn't want to assume he could ask Aizen to look after her either, "Nel... How are ya with blood?"
She blinked once and broke into a broad smile, "It's like paint!"
Shiro snorted and picked her up, slipping her back onto his shoulders with a fluid ease, "I like this kid." He turned and began walking towards the doors, pausing for a moment to glance at Szayel, "I'll be bringin' her back afterwards, make sure yer ready to help her and I might forget that ya gave Nnoitra the technology that allowed him to hurt her."
He heard the pink haired Espada squeak and chuckled to himself as he left the scientist's palace, hesitating for only a brief heartbeat as Aizen fell into step beside him. He half expected to receive a reprimand about his threat towards the Octavo, and was pleasantly surprised when none came.
"When I'm finished with everythin'... Can I come and see ya?" Shiro asked quietly, "There's... There's somethin' I need to talk to ya about..."
"My door is always open to you, Shiro. No matter the reason, you are always welcome to come and see me." Aizen looked down at him, expression guarded despite the openness of his invitation.
"Thanks." He whispered, watching as the brunet disappeared from his side, the soft buzz of Shunpo echoing in his ears.
He couldn't help but desperately hope for one of those 'reasons' to end up being sex. Although, after admitting to his earlier actions with Byakuya it was highly possible Aizen would never touch him again. He'd be left to remember the moments when he'd taken over Ichigo's body just enough to blanket out his memory and inhibitions, moments when his polychromatic partner was so angry or distressed that he needed a break. Aizen was the only one who'd been able to calm him.
He longed for that touch, the roughness, the aggression, the knowledge that no matter how strong he became, he would always submit to Sōsuke Aizen. He just hoped he hadn't ruined everything.
He would deal with Nnoitra's punishment, he would return to Szayel and see if there was hope for Nel and then he would find someone he trusted to look after the child Espada in his absence. Only then could he face Aizen with a clear conscience to tell him what he'd done.
"Let's go, kid." He muttered softly as he started walking again.
He could sense Nnoitra's reiatsu in the recreation room again, this time with Starrk, Harribel and Grimmjow. Shiro wasn't at all keen on the idea of coming face to face with the Sexta again, but he knew he couldn't walk away from it. He couldn't allow them to think he was afraid. And he owed it to Nel to deal with Nnoitra properly.
Shoving the doors open with force, golden eyes came to fix on the huddle of Espada near the bookshelves. They seemed to be deep in conversation, but felt silent the moment they set eyes on him.
"Sorry to break up ya little knittin' session." He grinned widely, raising his eyebrows as he prowled closer.
Grimmjow's eyes were fixed on him, full of anger and borderline hate. Byakuya had undoubtedly been forced to explain what had happened while the Sexta was unconscious.
"Not at all, feel free to join us if you wish, my friend." Starrk's baritone was as soothing as ever, "But who is this little one you have with you? She is familiar to me."
Eyes slowly flicked across to Nnoitra's face and he saw the lanky Arrancar tense under his scrutiny, his smile widened as he looked back at the Primera, "This is Nel. Former Tres Espada. Found her wanderin' out in the sands all alone, couldn't bring myself to just leave her there."
"What you just... Stumbled across her?" Nnoitra's voice didn't shake as he spoke, which impressed Shiro at least a little, "Gotta be kidding, she's been missing for years."
"Oh I am aware." He fixed the Quinto with a silencing look, it was all smiles and teeth but his eyes swirled with a darkened malice.
"What happened to her?" Harribel's voice cut through the moment of tension like a balm, "Her mask... That scar..."
"Funny you should ask that..." He swung his head around to look at the busty blonde, offering a nonchalant chuckle as his left hand swatted out and wrapped around Nnoitra's throat, dragging him from his chair faster than the other Espada could respond, "This piece of shit. Ain't that right, Nnoitra?"
The Quinto's eyes were wide as he glanced towards the other Espada, "I-I dunno what the fuck you mean!"
"Bullshit." He purred, squeezing his fingers a little tighter, "Spoken to Szayel. I know about the tech you 'borrowed' the night Nelliel went missin'. Not satisfied with losin' against someone better than ya, ya resorted to dirty underhand tricks. That I can handle... Just about. But ya left her out there in the sands... When she had turned into a kid?!"
"She had her fucking Fracción with her, ain't my fault they were fucking useless after..." His voice cut off sharply as he bit his tongue, glaring at the smiling child on the Cero's shoulders.
"After what?" He growled, threat level increasing as he saw that single grey eye move towards Nel, "What did ya do?"
"Answer him." Harribel commanded, getting to her feet as she appraised the Quinto with disgust.
"Tell him." Starrk seconded, also getting out of his chair as he frowned.
"She never fought without a fucking reason, so I gave her one!" He snapped, "It was pathetic, the way she doted on those low lives, treated 'em like family. It was pitiful. But she 'loved' 'em. Ain't my fault that their masks popped off in my hands."
The startled gasp from the current Tres Espada was something of a reward for Shiro, pleased that he wasn't the only one disgusted by Nnoitra's behaviour, he released the lanky man, letting out a slow and steady breath before he reached up and prised Nel from his shoulders, turning sharply he half forced the child sized Arrancar into Starrk's arms.
A hand lifted to where Zangetsu sat on his back and he pulled the blade free, throwing it to Harribel before he turned and planted his fist straight into the Quinto's gut, watching with satisfaction as he doubled over immediately, "Yer fuckin' lucky Aizen-sama ordered me not to kill ya. But he didn't say anythin' about beatin' ya within an inch of life."
Twirling on the spot, he smashed foot into the crease of the other Espada's knee, watching as the limb gave out in response, he jutted his own knee upwards, cracking it into the underside of his exposed chin. His fingers laced through slick strands of hair as he headbutted Nnoitra twice in quick succession, throwing him backwards as he bounced lithely on the balls of his feet.
"Why do you care so much?!" The Quinto snapped, holding his bleeding and broken nose, glowering across at the white Hollow, "You didn't even know her! She would have annoyed the fuck out of you as well! Yer a fighter, a bloodthirsty killer, she would have hated yer guts!"
"No more than everyone else in this place already does!" He barked back, teeth clenched with the weight of his words, "Don't think I ain't noticed the snide side looks, the whisperin' and the reluctance to accept my fuckin' insanity. I ain't blind! That kid is the only one who's fuckin' looked at me without quiverin' and smiled!"
"It won't last!" The other bit back, "Look at you! Even now, that desire for destruction is pumping through you! I bet the only reason you found her is because you sensed a strong presence and wanted to kill it!"
Shiro froze, his mouth falling open at the very accurate, very painful accusation. His shoulders sagged almost immediately as he saw the triumphant and knowing smirk that stretched across Nnoitra's face. He lowered his fists slowly, his expression turning into a deep set frown.
He hated the fact that Nnoitra was right. He hated the fact that his first reaction had been to kill Nel. He hated the fact that they all seemed to know that. He felt a sharp ache stab at his chest, his hand flying to it and grasping tightly at the material covering the area, the pain must have down on his face because Nnoitra's expression instantly changed to one of concern; he sensed Harribel approaching and he shot her the most murderous expression he could manage.
"Don't." He spat, eyes flitting towards where Nel was squirming around in Starrk's arms, trying to reach out for him, "Harribel, escort the Quinto to the detention block. He is to remain there for five days, with his reiatsu suppressed. No visitors. And have his injuries seen to by the Human girl, I believe she will be more than adept at handlin' them."
"Of course, Cero." The blonde bowed her head and quickly motioned for Nnoitra to follow her, which he did without complaint, surprisingly.
Once he heard the door close behind the pair, he clenched his hand into a fist, "Starrk... I told Szayel that I would be returnin' to his lab with Nel so that he could run some tests, to see if he can fix the damage caused by Nnoitra."
"My friend, would you like me to take her in your stead?"
He thanked the Soul King that the Primera was both intelligent, observant and handsome, "If ya would be so kind. Might I ask ya to take care of her this evenin' for me? Aizen-sama is gonna prepare stuff for me to look after her but... With Lilynette bein' in yer care I figured ya would have some stuff to keep her... Safe?"
"I'd be more than happy to look after her for you." The Primera bowed his head, holding the squirming child against his chest.
Shiro approached, gently stroking her cheek, "I'll come and get you tomorrow, Nel. I have to... I have to deal with some shit. Starrk is gonna keep ya safe for me, okay?"
"Okay." She was pouting but stopped squirming quite as much, "Nel will miss Shiro."
"I'll miss ya too kid." He swallowed and stepped back, looking at the floor.
He heard the door close again as Starrk left the recreation area, his body tensing as he sensed Grimmjow. He could almost feel the Sexta's anger at him, it rippled from his body in waves. Lifting his gaze, he found himself face to face with the blue haired man.
"How's Kuchiki?" He asked stiffly.
"How the fuck do you think he is?" Grimmjow spat in return, arms folded over his chest.
Shiro winced at the venom in his voice and let out a small breath, "He told ya what happened then..."
"It didn't need sayin'. It was kinda obvious, you fuckin' prick." His voice was gruff, "Stay away from him."
"I didn't realise you had the authority to forbid me from seein' prisoners."
Grimmjow's hand was gripping his shihakusho quite abruptly, dragging him closer, "I don't give a shit how strong you are... If you come near him again I will do whatever it takes to bring you down."
"I have no intention... Of going near him again." He muttered, glaring back at him.
"Good thing too." The Sexta released him and gave him a shove in the chest before he stormed towards the doors, leaving without so much as another word.
Watching as the Sexta hastily retreated, he clicked his tongue against his teeth, the smell of solitude was lingering around him like a decaying corpse, swirling like a blackened mist that clung to his skin and his clothes like smoke, the stench working its way deep inside the material and making a home. He allowed his body to sag again as emptiness restored itself to his chest where the aching pain had been.
He loathed the fact Nnoitra had read him so easily. He loathed the fact the Quinto had been so right. Why did his first instinct always have to be violence and murder? He could have killed Nel with one swing, and then where would he be?!
Deflated, he left the recreation room, pulling all of his residual reiatsu inwards to protect the lives of the lesser Hollows he passed, he lust for death diminished by the grim mood hanging over his head. Disinterested in where his feet were taking him, he found himself on the roof of Las Noches, sitting on the top of one of the only stark white towers left from his battle with Ulquiorra.
The area still stank of battle. The damage was superficial and wouldn't be repaired until the inside of the palace was. The unruly devastation and crumbled stone made him feel a little more at home, it was like a welcoming embrace, a memory of where he had first been able to completely be himself.
He hadn't seen or heard anything of Ulquiorra since that day, by all accounts his injuries had been healed by the Human girl in the cells though nothing had been done about his removed mask. He'd heard some of the Fracción talking about it, about how the Cuatro was a shadow of his former self, ability to speak and communicate gone, his ability to understand and reason intact enough for him to follow basic orders. By all accounts, he was working in the kitchens to help prepare food.
Glaring out across the sands, feeling the moonlight on his skin, he considered Aizen's promise. For him to have a place he could exist without holding back. Sure enough he had that in the company of the Espada, but what was the use if they couldn't stand to be in the same room as him unless he was holding back his insanity?
Was this his curse if he wanted to breathe fresh air? Was this the burden he had to carry if he wanted to be the dominant soul? Was this the life he had to lead if he wanted to keep Ichigo buried? Was it worth it?
Shiro hated him. He hated the strawberry haired, determination ridden, stubborn, hard headed, arrogant, selfless bastard. He hated him with every fibre of his being. He hated how he relied on his friends, how he let them rely on him in return, he hated how he'd do whatever it took to protect the people he loved, how he'd put their shared life at risk for others. He hated his drive, his beauty, his inner warmth, he hated the memory of his family, his friends, his life.
But Shiro loved him too. He loved the strawberry haired, determination ridden, stubborn, hard headed, arrogant, selfless bastard. He loved him with every fibre of his being. He loved his fire, his drive, his determination to right his wrongs. He loved his dedication to his friends, his willingness to protect them at all costs. He loved the memory of his family, his friends, his life.
He loved and hated him, almost as much as he loved and hated himself.
Insanity kept it at bay. Kept him from realising the horrid truths about himself. His past. His sins. He was as white as snow, as pure as an angel and yet he couldn't have been any blacker on the inside. He was a monster, an animal so ravaged by sin that he couldn't think straight even if he tried. He was a devil clad in white, paraded around like a benevolent leader, when all he was in truth was a malevolent poison.
He scoffed, sitting up slowly and resting his head in his hands as a burst of miserable, hysterical laughter overtook his every sense, shaking him to the core as his chest tightened and his body throbbed in resistance.
These moments, between the crazy and the calm were where he hated lingering. It was when he became the most perceptive about himself. It was dangerous, uncomfortable and almost always painful. Like a grey area in between two extremes, an area he couldn't habitat for long without destruction following.
Groaning quietly as he forced himself back up. Shiro knew there was no use hiding, even though every particle of his body wanted nothing else. He had to face Aizen. This was a conflict he couldn't run from.
Shiro hesitated for just long enough to glare up at the half moon again, lifting a hand as he tried to blot out the light with his palm. It's light would be fuller if all of it was there. If it was complete. But was completion really necessary in order to bring greater power?
