Author's Note:With life getting busy again, it's hard to find time to write but I'm back with a new (extra-long!) chapter. Thank you so much for all of the support – I appreciate it beyond belief. A special shout-out goes to a guest reviewer who inadvertently predicted the plot line I introduce here. Hope you enjoy!
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"Hello team," Lily said cheerily as she entered the compartment on the Hogwarts Express where Peter, Sirius, and Remus were sitting. Lily normally felt very sad when she had to leave her home after the Christmas holidays – after all, it was very difficult to miss magic after only two weeks and she loved the family time. However, this year was different. Lily had spent a long time reflecting on her friendship with the Marauders over the break. She was resolute that she would not actively pursue a relationship with James and risk threatening her friendships. However, she had begun to accept the fact that said relationship might happen organically. He clearly cared for her and the presents he had given her before the break – which included one-on-one flying lessons – seemed to suggest there was potential. She was far from convinced, but it was decidedly possible. And as such, Lily was looking forward to seeing where the new year might take her.
Lily sat down as the boys greeted her. "How were everyone's holidays?" she asked conversationally.
"Well, mine was lovely," Peter answered. "It was nice to see my parents again." He looked to the other boys.
Sirius shrugged. "I stayed with James the whole time, so it was great."
"Oh good!" Lily exclaimed. Sirius didn't often talk about his family, but she had known him for long enough to get a good sense – home was certainly not a place he would ever want to go if he could avoid it.
Remus conspicuously didn't answer until they stared at him. "We're all pretty worried about my parents," he said delicately. "I think they may have to go into hiding soon."
They all made sounds of sympathy. "You think it's that bad?" Sirius asked.
Remus sighed and nodded. "The murders aren't stopping. And we all think the Prophet's only reporting on half of them."
"So, what is it going to look like if they go into hiding?" Lily asked. She had heard of people doing this here and there but had never given it much thought.
"Well, truthfully, not much would change for me," he told her. "But for them, well... they couldn't work. So the finances of it are a whole other discussion."
She mulled this over. "Do you think we're going to reach a point where families of muggle-borns are in danger?" Lily had become accustomed to hatred directed at her, but it had never occurred to her that she could be endangering her family. In fact, not wanting to trouble her family, she had never even told them about the tensions in the wizarding community over blood status. She suddenly felt immensely guilty and embarrassed for not thinking of this sooner.
No one said anything right away, meaning Lily had her answer. "Honestly, yes," Remus finally told her. "I don't think we're there yet, but... I'm worried."
Sirius nodded along. "The followers are fanatics," he told her solemnly. "They're crazy, and there are more of them every day." There was another round of silence. "And I'm sorry," he added, "but muggles are easy targets."
Lily leaned back in her chair, her cheery disposition gone. "Don't think about it right now," urged Peter. "I agree with Remus – we're not there yet." Lily nodded quietly. "How was your break?" he asked her, changing the subject.
"It was good," she told them, still staring off into space. "Oh, that reminds me," she said, bringing half of her attention back into the compartment. She reached into her bag and removed three cookie tins and handed them out to the boys before her. Each had a ribbon with their name and a card. "I don't have an owl, so I had to wait until we were going back," she explained. "But these are some cookies to say thank you for the broom. I made them with my sugar shrub," she said with a small smile.
The boys each thanked her as they opened the tins and started eating the cookies. Lily held the fourth tin in her hands. "Where's Prongs?" she asked casually.
The Marauders stopped eating and exchanged furtive glances. Lily blushed. "Am I not allowed to use those nicknames?" she asked timidly. "I tried to be so smooth, but you clearly noticed immediately."
Sirius gave a light chuckle. "No, you can use them," he reassured her. "It's just... something you might want to know about James..."
"Is he alright?" she asked, concerned.
"Yeah, yeah, he's fine."
"Then what is it?" Lily questioned, still confused.
"Okay," Sirius started. "Well..." he trailed off again. Lily furrowed her eyebrows in his direction. "Right, so I was with him the whole break, so I saw this in real time, I guess..."
"What happened?"
"He kind of got a girlfriend," Sirius finished awkwardly. Lily couldn't believe her ears, but tried her best to stay composed.
"What?" she asked. That was not composed, Lily, she chided herself.
"I'm sorry, Evans," he said with a sigh. "I'm sure this isn't what you wanted to hear... but yeah."
"How did it happen?" she forced out with a high-pitched voice. She was trying her very best to look as though this news was inconsequential.
Another sigh. "Well, a new wizarding family moved in across from James' place a few weeks ago. The Potters have been trying to be really welcoming, so they kept inviting them over. And their daughter goes here, she's in Ravenclaw. And... well, I don't have all the details, but they're dating now." He avoided Lily's gaze. "And that's where he is right now. He's in her compartment."
Lily nodded, not really processing. "So who is it?" she asked lightly.
"Do you know Candice?" Lily shook her head. "Well, she's a Ravenclaw in our year."
"She's a Sweet, right?" Peter asked.
"Yeah," Sirius confirmed.
"What?" Lily asked again. It was like they were speaking code.
"Her last name," Remus supplied. "They're a very old wizarding family."
"Sweet?" she asked. She received several head-nods. "So... her name is Candice Sweet?"
"Yep," Sirius replied, rolling his eyes. "Candy Sweet."
"Yikes," Lily said without thinking.
Sirius laughed. "It's actually quite apt. She's very... saccharine."
"Saccharine?" asked Peter.
"Sickeningly sweet," Lily supplied numbly. "How, er..." Lily couldn't figure out how to phrase the question and started blushing. "How serious are they?" she settled on.
Sirius made a face. "Well, it's literally been two weeks. So I would hope not very."
"On the other hand, Prongs has never felt the need to call anyone his girlfriend before," Remus countered.
"True," he agreed. "They're also very... into each other," he said diplomatically.
Peter laughed. "Thin walls at the Potters'?"
"Very," he stated. There was an awkward silence. "But we're trying to make Evans feel better," he reminded, causing Lily to shift about awkwardly. "I'm sure it won't last," he assured her. "They were just in some kind of weird Christmas bubble."
Lily didn't know what to say. She opened her mouth, but then closed it immediately and averted her eyes.
"Lily, these cookies are amazing," Peter said, clearly trying to cheer her up. "I can't believe you made them without magic."
"Oh thanks," she replied absentmindedly.
"Are you okay?" Remus asked her gently.
"I'm still thinking about my parents," she lied.
"Really?" he asked in a disbelieving tone.
"Of course," she doubled down. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"Because you know someone who isn't you is sitting in James' lap right now and showing him off to all her friends," Sirius supplied.
"I didn't need that image," she said faintly as though it were only a mild irritant. "But anyways, I'm fine."
"No you're not," she heard from two people at once.
"Yes I am," she continued. "You know I didn't want to date him anyways, because of the age thing and the friends thing," she told them. She started eating a cookie as a pleasant distraction and excuse to stop talking.
"Are you telling us or yourself?" Sirius asked knowingly.
"Why not both?" she argued, thought it was nearly indecipherable on account of the cookie.
"We're not buying it," he assured her. "Are you eating his cookies?" he asked, amused.
"Well, he's not here," she said resentfully.
"You're vindictive," Sirius accused with a smile. Lily shrugged her shoulders. At long last, the conversation drifted to other topics, as she continued to eat James' cookies. Without calling attention to herself, she silently picked up the card she wrote for him and pocketed it.
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
Throughout the train ride, Lily had thought of little else than Candice Sweet. She couldn't help but wonder: what would James see in this girl that he didn't see in Lily? Was she prettier than her? She was in Ravenclaw – was she smarter than Lily? Was it all the age factor? Did James just see her as too young, compared to a mature sixth year? Lily knew she had really reached a dark place when it occurred to her that it might even have something to do with coming from an old wizarding family. Lily knew James was a huge supporter of muggle-borns, but maybe he would still want to be with someone from the same sort of background as himself.
Against her better judgement, Lily started to create an internal picture of the enigmatic Candice Sweet. Knowing full well what she was doing, every incarnation was made with an extremely obvious vice – an oversized nose, acne, an obnoxious laugh, a stuck-up personality... it was a terrible game to play with herself because, inevitably, Lily knew she was setting herself up for disappointment. James was – in her admittedly biased opinion – the most attractive bloke at Hogwarts. He was Gryffindor's star chaser. He came from a powerful wizarding family and was excellent with spells himself. He could have any girl he wanted, which made all of these theoretical faults extremely unlikely.
Far too soon (at least for Lily's liking) she had to actually come face-to-face with Candice, as James brought her over to the Gryffindor table to eat dinner with the Marauders. "Hi everyone," Candice said cheerily as she sat down across from them. Lily tried to appraise Candice out of the corner of her vision without being too obvious. Much to Lily's dismay, no part of Candice – let alone her nose – was oversized. She was petite, though full-chested, and held herself with confidence and excellent posture. She had long blonde hair that cascaded down her chest, ending in delicate curls. Her eyes were like large blue crystals, emphasized by a set of luscious eyelashes. Everything about her appearance was perfect, right down to her manicured nails.
"So I've already met Sirius, of course," Candice commented. "And Remus, I've met you before too. We shared a book in the library once for our History of Magic papers."
"Oh right," Remus replied. "Fond memory." Lily wasn't convinced he had any recollection of event in question. "Ancient Egypt, right?"
Candice chuckled. "Close enough!" she said encouragingly. "I think you had the top mark in that subject for our year too." Lily couldn't help but be put off by her friendliness.
"I think it was Dalton, actually," he corrected. "But I like your version better," he agreed amiably.
"And Peter," Candice continued. "I don't think we've ever had the chance to speak. But I remember having Divination with Gryffindors in third year, and you were a class favourite! How did he describe you again? Something mysterious."
"An entity shrouded in enigma," James supplied as the group laughed.
"Oh, that's right," Candice agreed. "Well I thought you weathered those predictions very well, if I do say so myself. If it had been me, I would have died of embarrassment."
"Thank you!" Peter replied. "Wish you could remember it as though I were the top of the class, though."
Finally, Candice turned to look in Lily's direction. Lily compulsively took a sip of water to hide her blush. She idly wondered what kind of introduction she could possibly receive. The only noteworthy thing she had ever done was get her period in front of class. "I'm sorry, but I actually don't think I know who you are," Candice commented simply.
"Fair enough!" Lily said, chipper as ever. There was a beat of silence as she breathed an internal sigh of relief at not having to relive her first period.
The rest of the group evidently found it unusual that Lily would be content in her anonymity. "This is Lily," Sirius introduced, clearly teasing her.
"Lily's in fourth year," James explained. Lily felt somewhat disheartened by this curt biography. She took another unnecessary sip of water in order to hide her face.
"Oh," Candice commented, clearly surprised. "Do you know her through your family?"
Lily snorted rather unattractively into her water. Unfortunately, no one else seemed to find this comment funny. "Sorry," she replied with a cough. "It's just, my parents are muggles."
"Oh," Candice remarked again. She was still clearly confused as to why Lily was seated with these four upper-year boys. At that moment, Lily couldn't even blame her. She felt very uncomfortable and wanted nothing more than to simply retreat upstairs and hide in her bed.
Fortunately, Sirius came to her rescue and threw and arm over her shoulders. "We know her from here," he said with a big smile. He must have known this would clear nothing up for Candice but watched in amusement as she pretended to accept this useless explanation.
What followed was one of the most uncomfortable meals of Lily's life. The conversation mostly revolved around gossip about old wizarding families that she was barely able to follow. No one in this awkward party even seemed to remember that Lily was still seated with them. That didn't stop her, however, from feeling extremely self-conscious. Candice sat across from her, eating her food ever-so preciously, while Lily became increasingly aware that she was scarfing down carbs – mostly just to give her something to do. She felt like she had food stuck between every tooth. It also seemed unusually warm in the Great Hall and Lily could feel (and, regrettably, smell) her own perspiration. At long last, when she was all but completely demoralized, Lily simply stood up and started toward the exit.
"Oi! Pidg!" a voice called from behind her. She stopped moving and took a few backward steps without looking until she was back in line with the Marauders. "You're just going to leave without so much as a goodbye?"
"Sorry," she said with a sigh. "I'm just super tired," she lied. Then she felt a bit of a defiant streak swell within her. "Plus I didn't want to interrupt your conversation... owing to the fact that I have no idea what any of you are talking about," she said with a falsely cheery smile. She waved and turned on her heel, determined to leave in peace.
Someone jogged up beside her. "I'll join you, Evans," came Sirius's voice. "Never cared much for wizarding family gossip anyhow."
Lily sighed again. "Thanks, but I'm really just going to go up to my dorm," she told him.
"Why's that?"
"Oh, so many things to do," she told him. Then she held up her fingers as she enumerated her list: "I have wizarding homework, I have muggle homework, I was thinking I would crawl into bed and cry..."
"Want to talk about it?" he asked her, catching her off-guard. They stopped walking.
"No," she replied simply.
"How come?"
"What?" she asked, more sharply than she intended. "You want me to spin some grand tale of unrequited love?"
"Sure, why not?" he said cheerily.
"Well, it's not that grand," she told him (and herself). "I'm fourteen. It was just a crush. And like I said, I didn't want to date him anyway. This happens every day... it's not worth a big diatribe."
"Okay, alright," he remarked, hands up. They resumed walking. "I really wouldn't worry too much, though, Evans."
"Hmm?" she questioned
"He'll get over her sooner or later," he replied.
"Ahh," Lily said with a sardonic laugh. "Yes, sooner or later he'll see past the blonde hair, big breasts, impeccable skin, elevated social status..."
"Yes, that's what I'm saying!" he declared jovially. "Glad we agree."
The pair of them had reached the portrait of the Fat Lady. "Annus novus," Lily said flatly. The portrait swung open and the pair of them entered the common room.
"Come with me," Sirius told her. Lily looked around bemusedly at the common room that was completely empty, since the majority of the castle was still at supper.
"Where to?" she asked ironically, gesturing at the three empty couches as though there were a wealth of choices.
"Up here," he replied calmly as he started toward the staircase leading up to the boys' dormitory.
"I..." she faltered. "What?"
Sirius chuckled. "It's no big deal," he informed her. "We have had birds up here before, you know."
"Yeah, I know," she told him with a roll of her eyes. She followed him up like this was an everyday occurrence – of course, since she had been in Gryffindor for four years and had never ascended this staircase, it felt highly unusual.
Walking into their dorm was strangely surreal. The layout was identical to her own dorm, but inverted. There were only subtle differences Lily could detect: the windows were placed differently, the curtains and bedding was a deeper shade of red, the woodwork was a deep mahogany. And yet, despite their similarities, the room felt completely foreign. Lily had unintentionally imagined this room countless times over the past three years while she was initially pining over James and eventually befriending the Marauders. On more than one occasion, as she had watched the four boys go up to their dorm together, she had more or less held this room accountable for why she would never be as close with the boys as they were with each other. She couldn't help but treat it with a certain kind of reverence.
"Sit anywhere," Sirius instructed her casually. It was at that point she realized she was still awkwardly standing in the corner of the room. She looked around at the various neatly-made beds (which was unsurprising, of course, since they had just returned from holidays). Sirius was already reclining on one, so she picked one of the adjacent beds and sat daintily in the corner. She didn't know whose bed it was – and she wasn't sure she wanted to. "You look so at home," he commented dryly.
"Oh, this is how I sit in my own dorm too," she replied. "It's not my fault if you lot have terrible posture." Sirius chucked and flipped on his radio. They were soon serenaded by the latest wizarding band ("The Phoenix Feathers").
Lily sighed and reclined on the bed until she was staring up at the ceiling. "Honestly," she told him. "I'm going to have to introduce you lot to muggle music. You'll never believe you used to listen to this drivel."
"Shots fired!" he exclaimed in jest. He sat up and started digging around his chest. After a moment, he held up a large bottle for her to see. "Firewhisky?" he asked.
"Oh, no thanks," Lily replied. She could feel her cheeks flush. She had never had much interest in drinking and wasn't embarrassed to say so – after all, she was never one for peer pressure either. Yet, when she was with the Marauders, she could never shake the nagging feeling that every time she refused to drink, she would look even younger in their eyes.
Sirius shrugged and put the bottle back. "You're such a wet blanket," he accused.
"You can still have some!" she squeaked in his direction.
"It's not the same," he said with a remorseful sigh. "Here I thought we were going to bond."
"Oh no," she groaned. "Okay, okay, let's do it," she assured him.
"I'm only kidding, Lily," he assured her. "I know you don't drink."
"No, no, I'll have some," she said hastily. She wasn't completely sure where this was coming from. Perhaps on some level, she had always figured her first drink would be with James and she now viewed the likelihood of that as minimal. Plus, after the night she had had, the option of 'bonding' was sounding increasingly desirable.
Sirius didn't need to be told twice. He poured her a small glass – and himself a much larger one. He mimed toasting her from across the bed and then took a large swig from his own cup. Lily hesitated, looking at her own glass. She felt strangely nervous, although she couldn't put her finger on why. She had enough experience with other people drinking to know the amount in her cup wouldn't make her very intoxicated. After a second, she took a minuscule sip. She wasn't sure what she was expecting, but she had to fight to swallow it. "Oh Merlin, that's disgusting," she blurted out genuinely.
Sirius couldn't help but laugh. "Was that your first ever drink?" he questioned. Lily nodded and felt herself flush bright red. "Aww, Evans, I'm so touched that I was your first," he told her with a hand over his heart. Lily rolled her eyes again and looked away, moderately embarrassed. She knew he was falsely inflating the significance of the moment to make her uncomfortable... and yet, she couldn't shake the small voice in her head that reminded her that it was her first experience with alcohol and that it wasn't with the person she had hoped for.
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In the end, the evening actually did turn out to be a major bonding experience for Lily and Sirius. He gave her a much better sense of his upbringing and difficult family situation, as well as his gratitude – and sense of indebtedness – toward the Potters for taking him in. She told him all about her relationship with Petunia and how, despite their significant disdain for one another, she still hoped she could repair it one day.
When they weren't having a heart-to-heart, Lily also taught him how to play a few muggle games with a set of cards and she had a great laugh watching Sirius attempt to figure out how to follow – and break – the rules.
After what felt like an eternity, the door opened and Remus and Peter came into the dorm. "Oh, hello Lily," Peter said lightly, as though she were always sitting in their bedroom. That was to say nothing of their current position – sitting on the floor, cards strewn everywhere, with a few magically adhered to her hair in various places, curtesy of Sirius.
"You two look like you've had quite the night," Remus observed with a hint of amusement. "I thought you were really tired?" he questioned in Lily's direction.
"I rallied," she replied simply.
"Yeah, important things to do?"
"These cards weren't going to play themselves."
"Quite right," he agreed. The two additional boys positioned themselves on what Lily assumed were their respective beds. "So Candice, eh?" Remus asked the group, addressing the elephant in the room.
"She's alright," Peter answered with a shrug. Sirius made a show of coughing and gesturing quite obviously in Lily's direction. "Sorry Lily!" he yelped. "I just meant she's not awful. She's nothing special either," he backpedalled.
"Yes, of course," Lily agreed sarcastically. She could almost feel her heart sinking.
"I don't think she's much to write home about," Remus told her. "She's very 'old money.'"
"She's not that interesting either," Sirius chipped in.
"Aww, guys," she started with false sincerity. "Thank you for lying to me!"
"She can't be reasoned with," Sirius declared as though Lily weren't in the room.
Lily sighed. "It doesn't much matter what you lot think anyway," she reasoned.
As if on cue, the door to the dormitory opened again and Lily looked up to see a certain messy-haired Gryffindor enter. Unfortunately, much to Lily's chagrin, he was followed by a certain blonde Ravenclaw. The pair of them were looking at each other and laughing like... well, like teenagers in love, Lily reasoned reluctantly. She noted the specific moment that they spotted her and were slightly taken aback.
"Oh, hi Lily," said Candice.
"Hey," she replied with a sort of half-smile. Looking up at her, Lily couldn't help but feel angry. She had been good friends with this group for a year and had only been invited up to their dorm this very evening. Comparatively, these boys had hardly ever spoken to Candice a mere month ago and she wasn't even in Gryffindor. Of course, deep down, Lily knew that none of this was Candice's fault, but she couldn't help but target all of her anger at Candice nonetheless.
"Lily, are you drunk?" James asked, genuinely surprised.
"What? No," she replied immediately, blushing. She instantly became aware of how incriminating her current position must look, completely with her red complexion and the drink next to her.
"She lies!" Sirius exclaimed. "Just look at her! She's a regular drunk now."
"Oh my God, I had one sip," Lily argued. But Sirius held up the now nearly-empty bottle of firewhisky and then gestured to the playing cards that were smattered throughout her hair.
"I don't know if I'm surprised or impressed," James told her as he led Candice over to his bed so the pair could sit. "Or upset? Concerned?" he questioned condescendingly.
"That's it," Lily declared, deciding it was time to leave. Truthfully, she was ecstatic to have a chance to make her escape. However, as she delicately stood up (attempting to keep her skirt covering everything it needed to), she discovered that one of her legs was completely asleep. She had a sinking feeling when she tried to put her foot down on the floor and felt nothing at all. As a result, she stumbled back and managed to break her fall by sitting down on the nearest bed.
"Oh goodness Lily, what has alcohol done to you?" Remus teased. "It's not worth the impact this will have on your life and the people who care about you."
"Oh, sod off," she shot back. She started rolling her ankle in circles, trying desperately to get sensation back.
James turned to Candice. "We swear, Lily is usually an upstanding citizen," he told her.
"These guys are usually good friends too," she told Candice pointedly.
"I'm a great friend!" Sirius cried. "I shared my firewhisky with you, didn't I?"
"Yeah, a lot of good that's done me."
"It's not my fault if you drank too much."
"Again, I had one sip-" she started
"I think that just makes you a lightweight," Peter teased.
"And am perfectly sober," she finished.
"You're this much of a mess when you're sober?" Remus accused. "I think you're better off sticking with inebriation."
Lily covered her face with both of her hands. She reassessed her foot and decided it had regained enough sensation that she could strategically retreat. "I'm cutting my losses," she told the room as she stood up and left.
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
The first few weeks back to school after the holidays were tumultuous, to say the very least, for Lily. James and Candice seemed to be more or less attached at the hip. This meant that, more often than not, Lily's mealtimes and evenings were spent attempting to act nonchalant even though she was hopping with anger internally. She would stare at the pair of them as covertly as possible while drowning in jealousy. Candice was the spitting image of every teenage witch's ideal self. She was poised, confident, attractive, knowledgeable, from a good magical family. It made Lily moderately furious that someone like this even existed in the first place.
Of course, this feeling was compounded by the fact that Lily's own body image was at an all-time low. Being a muggle-born red-head, Lily had always felt as if she stood out like a sore thumb and questioned her appearance. But lately, this pastime had gotten out of control. Her body had changed over the past few years and Lily was filled with ambivalence, convinced that hips were too large, but that her breasts were too small. More vexing, of course, was that her hair seemed to be nearly untameable as of late. She and her the other fourth-year girls had tried looking up various spells to fix it, but had never had any luck. The curling spells simply added to the frizz; the straightening ones worked a little too well, to the point that it became completely rigid and stuck up in all directions. Resigned to her fate, Lily mostly pulled it back in a ponytail so the mess was somewhat contained. The cherry on top of her terrible January was that Lily also started to get breakouts with alarming frequency. It was a testament to her general despondency that she didn't feel even remotely inclined to try and rid herself of them (magically or otherwise).
The greatest issue with Candice's arrival, however, was that it had completely changed Lily's dynamic with the Marauders. As a group, they were almost always accompanied by Candice. In an attempt to include her – or so Lily assumed – conversation seemed to perpetually revolve around sixth-year gossip or magical pop culture. As Lily had next to no interest in either, she found herself sitting silently or daydreaming when she was with them. Between the feelings of isolation and jealousy, she also found herself skipping these interactions altogether and resorting to her old habit of bringing a book with her everywhere she went.
Lily was particularly dismayed, today of all days, because it was James' birthday. Everyone sat in the Great Hall, toasting his newfound adulthood and talking about how much fun they would have over the summer, when they would all be able to apparate to visit one another. Lily sat there, feeling younger than ever, pushing food around her plate and largely ignoring the group. She was counting down the minutes until she could be alone again, but knew it would be far too passive aggressive to leave in the middle of dinner. Finally, at long last, they all stood up to walk back to the common room together. Their formation, aptly, was representative of her life: Sirius, Remus, and Peter were leading the way, laughing boisterously over some sort of inside joke; James and Candice followed, arms around one another; and Lily was bringing up the rear, completely alone. She had almost ceased caring at this point that she would appear to the rest of the castle as though she had no friends.
"Happy birthday, my love," she heard Candice tell James fondly. Could she die anymore inside?
"Jealous?" a voice asked in her ear. She jumped a little and looked over to see Remus. She had been staring at James and Candice so intently, she hadn't even noticed him fall back to walk with her.
"Not at all," she lied through her teeth.
"Sure, I believe you."
"Why would I be jealous?" she asked with feigned ignorance.
"You're staring at someone who's arm-in-arm with the bloke you love," he suggested.
"I don't love anyone," she said blandly.
"Oh? Why's that?"
"I've reached a state of emotional nihilism," she told him apathetically.
Remus chuckled. "Feel free to explain," he instructed.
"Nothing matters. We're all going to die alone anyway. I'm just giving up now."
"So jaded for someone so young," he teased.
"No, really, I've resigned myself. I'm just going to lead a life of scholasticism and chastity. Like a monk."
"What a normal aspiration for a fourteen-year-old girl," he observed ironically. Lily shrugged. "It's okay to be upset," he told her more sincerely, gesturing at James and Candice.
Lily sighed. "It was never going to work out anyway," she assured him, all joking aside. "This is just forcing me to get over it now, instead of a year from now. Big whoop."
"So you're not upset at all?"
"Nope," she doubled down. "Emotional nihilism. You should try it."
"I'll take it under advisement," he teased again. They had reached the common room and everyone was sitting down by the fire. Candice was almost sitting in James' lap and Lily forced herself not to look too repulsed.
Lily went up behind the couch and touched James lightly on the shoulder to get his attention. "I have to go finish my Charms essay," she told him. "But happy birthday!" she exclaimed, forcing herself to smile.
James pretended to look suspicious. "When's it due?" he grilled.
"Tomorrow," she lied.
"I'm not buying it," he told her. "The Lily I know would never leave any assignment to the last minute, let alone her favourite subject."
She thought of about a hundred objections. She actually had been forcing herself to leave her Charms assignments until closer to the deadline in order to spend her time on her worse subjects. She opened her mouth to explain this, but then simply gave up. "I guess maybe you don't know me that well," she told him blandly.
She meant every word, but the Marauders were so used to her sarcastic sense of humour and deadpan delivery that James took it as a joke and laughed. "You wound me!" he told her, holding a hand to his heart. "But fine, go choose boring schoolwork over our exciting birthday celebration. I'm sure you won't regret this decision years from now."
"Glad we see eye to eye," she commented. With that, she was off.
When she reached her room, Lily wasn't sure what to do with herself. At first, she was restless, so she got up and began straightening her things and tidying her area of the dorm. When she had finished repacking her chest, she sat on the floor and eventually ended up lying down, staring up at the ceiling. Once her anger had mostly dissipated, she decided to put on some music so she didn't have to be completely alone with her thoughts. Her parents and Tuney had all gone together to give her a combined birthday and Christmas present this year: her very own turntable and a handful of records to start her collection. Second to her wand, it was her most prized possession, and she handled it with the utmost of delicacy. She carefully started listening to Black Sabbath's Paranoid and then returned to her previous starfish position.
She was just getting into the groove of the music when she was jolted out of it by a sound on her window. She sat up abruptly, grabbed her wand, and looked to the window, where – much to her astonishment – she saw a figure hovering on a broomstick. She was torn between opening the window to let them in and blindly hexing them; as a result, she simply sat there, frozen in position. "Evans, let me in!" she heard, and recognized the voice at once. Relieved, she put down her wand and got up to allow Sirius to enter.
"Fancy seeing you in my bedroom," she greeted calmly. "What a small world."
"You looked like you were really hard at work on that Charms essay," he observed dryly.
"Finished it already," she told him with a shrug. "Guess I'm better at Charms than I give myself credit for."
"When did you finish it?"
"Last week," she admitted.
"And when's it really due?" he continued.
"Next week."
"Seems like you're coping really well with all this."
"I don't know what you're getting at," she insisted stubbornly. "Aren't you supposed to be at James' celebration?" she asked, going on the offensive.
"Oh, that's basically finished," he told her. "He and Candice, uh... What is that smell?" he asked suddenly, wrinkling his nose.
Lily could tell he was avoiding the question, but she couldn't help but fall for his diversion. "I'm brewing a pepperup potion!" she told him happily, gesturing at her cauldron in the corner of the room.
"Why? You know you can just get those from the hospital wing, right?"
"Of course. But I wanted to brew one myself."
"Do you even have a cold?" He was looking at her like she had completely lost her mind.
"No. But I'm bound to get one eventually. And then I'll have the potion." Lily really wasn't seeing what was so objectionable about all this.
Sirius sighed. "So you're just recreationally brewing potions in your bedroom?"
"Yeah," she agreed. Then she pointed him over to her bookshelf where – alongside many books – there were handful of bottled potions.
Sirius examined her small potion collection. "What's this?" he questioned as he smelled one of the stranger looking concoctions.
"It's a scintillating solution!" she told him happily. "Do you want to share some? It leads to fascinating conversations."
"That's a hard pass." He sat down on the floor in front of the bookshelf and Lily joined him. "So what's with all the potions?" he asked her.
"I just thought it would be a fun hobby to get into. Nice and introverted, build some life skills... and I realized that I could brew a bunch of these potions at home over the summer, so long as they don't need any spells."
"This is the saddest hobby I've ever heard of, Evans. Wouldn't you prefer a cheering spell?" He held up his wand, clearly offering.
"Oh, I hate those," she told him honestly.
Sirius laughed. "You are something else. What's to hate about cheering spells?"
"I feel so sad when they were off," she explained. "Far worse than I ever did before the spell in the first place."
Sirius sighed. "Then I guess we're stuck with the third option."
Lily frowned. "And what's that?"
"Dealing with your problems head-on."
"What problems?" she questioned. She had no intention of making this easy for him.
"You tell me," he shot back.
"I don't have any problems."
"Oh, really?" he questioned sternly.
"Of course not," she insisted, knowing full-well her façade was as transparent as an invisibility cloak. "My grades have never been better. Slughorn's over the moon that I've taken up potion-brewing. I think he's going to ask me to join the Slug Club – and I don't think he's asked any fourth-years before."
"A true marker of success," he agreed sarcastically. "And what about Candice?"
"What about her?"
"That you hate her."
Lily sighed. "What's to hate?" she asked, mostly honestly. "She's polite, friendly, put-together, interesting. Seems to like James. If anything, I hate that... there's nothing to hate about her," she admitted softly.
"You're allowed to hate that she's with James."
"I don't," she lied. She thought it sounded pretty believable, if she did say so herself. "It was never going to happen for us anyway. He might as well be happy."
"Uh huh."
"I mean it," Lily insisted.
Sirius didn't say anything for a minute. Then, finally: "what am I listening to, Evans? Is this muggle music? I feel like I just need to sit and take it in all night." Lily positively beamed as she began telling him about her favourite bands and how excited she was to finally have her own way of listening to them.
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
Unfortunately for Lily, her situation only seemed to worsen as time drew on and Candice and James became a more established couple. Her potion-making abilities were improving at an alarming pace, all at the expense of genuine social contact. She spent nearly all of her time in her dorm and often stayed up at all hours to tinker with various potions – many of which she had no intention of ever consuming. Although she was perfectly polite to all of the Marauders, as well as Candice, she didn't feel as though she had any meaningful conversations with any of them anymore. In fact, she didn't think she'd had a private conversation with James since before Christmas. Sirius was her one saving grace, as he continued to sneak into her room and visit (though she continued to deny that Candice was bothering her).
For Lily, everything seemed to come to head on Valentine's day. She knew from the moment she opened her eyes that the day was going to be rotten. However, she really knew the moment she went for breakfast and saw the whole hall decorated with hearts and cupids. As she walked down the Gryffindor table, she eyed the breakfast offerings and saw heart-shaped pancakes, chocolate-covered strawberries, and other such nonsense. When she approached the Marauders, she noticed that James and Candice were eating breakfast while holding hands. Unable to bear it, she sat a few seats away from them with empty space around her. She pulled out a book Slughorn gave her and tried to convince herself that she could easily replace friends with potions.
"Good morning Lily!" she heard from the other side of her book. She put it down delicately and saw a familiar face.
"Hello Angus," she said lightly. Angus Gaffney was another Gryffindor in Lily's year. He was the only other Gryffindor in Lily's year to come from a (mostly) muggle family. In point of fact, his mother was a witch, but his parents had kept this from Angus until he received his letter. When they first started at Hogwarts, Lily and Angus spent bonded over this commonality, but they had quickly grown apart. Lily couldn't remember the last time she spoke with Angus, though she had a suspicion that he had recently joined the Quidditch team as a beater.
"How are you doing?" he asked congenially as he served himself some toast and (heart-shaped) fried eggs.
"Peachy," she told him. She realized he would likely see this response as strange, but if he wanted a more emotionally-balanced Lily, he could come back on some other day.
"Studying potions in your spare time?" he asked, gesturing at her book.
"Mmm-hmm," she agreed. He didn't seem to be leaving any time soon, so she felt forced to put a bookmark in place and put the book down.
"I just wanted to ask," he started, but paused for a moment.
"Yes?" Lily prompted. She was eager to get this over with and get back to her book.
"If you wanted to hang out tonight? I know it's not a Hogsmeade day or anything, but we could go to the kitchens, or out for a walk by the lake," he suggested.
"Oh," Lily stalled, the pieces of the puzzle coming together. "Are you asking me out... on a date?"
"Well... yeah," he told her. Lily didn't respond. "I know we haven't talked in a while, but I thought it'd be fun to reconnect."
"Right," Lily agreed, nodding. "I'm sorry, but... no," she choked out.
"No?" he repeated. It was clear this wasn't how he thought the conversation was going to go.
"I'm sorry," she blurted out quickly. "I'm just not really looking to date right now," she told him. "Anyone, that is. Nothing against you in particular." She could feel herself getting clammy and wished she could be anywhere else.
"Okay," he said slowly. "Fair enough," he told her, likely insincerely.
"I really am sorry," she blabbered.
"It's fine," he told her. Then he looked down at his barely-eaten breakfast. "Do you mind if I take this somewhere else?" he asked awkwardly.
"Oh, go for it," she encouraged, happy to have this interaction over with. Once he was gone, she took a long, shaky sigh and face-planted into the table, head resting atop her hands. At least you've clearly grown some, she told herself. Far better than the last time you accidentally got a boyfriend because you felt obliged to say yes.
Lily was aware of nearby movement but steadfastly refused to move. When she felt multiple hands on her back, she begrudgingly looked up. She had been swarmed, with Remus and Peter on either side and Sirius across from her. She groaned "leave me alone," but was quickly drowned out:
"What was that?"
"Did you just get asked out?"
"Don't want to date anyone right now? You sure about that?"
"Emotional nihilism, remember?" she said simply and put her head back down.
"Gosh, Lils, who knew you were such a heartbreaker?" Peter teased.
"I am not," Lily objected. "It was probably a joke anyway."
"What?" multiple voices asked at once.
"A joke," she explained with a hand waive. "His mates would get a laugh out of me agreeing to a date."
There were a couple beats of silence. "Has your self-esteem ever been lower?" Sirius questioned.
"Probably not," she commented dully.
"Having a hard time today for some reason, Lily?" Remus asked knowingly. He directed is gaze at James and Candice and Lily couldn't help but look. She quickly flicked her eyes back to her breakfast.
"Yes," she told them. "Valentine's is stupid. Love is also stupid. My life is trash. Any other questions?"
"Hundreds," Sirius answered. "But sadly, there wouldn't be time." The boys left for the morning and Lily stood up herself, leaving her uneaten food behind. How was it possible the day was already this terrible, even though she'd only been awake for an hour?
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
Lily's unusually busy schedule kept her mind fairly preoccupied for most of the day. However, the major excitement came when she had double-potions in the afternoon with Hufflepuff. Professor Slughorn had proudly announced to the class that they would be brewing love potions.
"Obviously these potions, dangerous as they are delicate, are banned within the castle walls," he told the class, while countless teenaged-girls hung on his every word. "They are also exceedingly difficult to brew and comprise an extremely interesting area for scholars around the world," he went on. "For that reason, should any of you manage to successfully brew one of these potions today, your prize will be that I will grant you special exemption to keep the fruit of your labours." Two or three girls actually gasped. "For strictly academic purposes, of course. It goes without saying that to actually use the potion on a fellow student would be both unethical and illegal."
When he gave them permission to begin, there was a frenzy of students racing for the supply cupboard, grabbing ingredients at random in order to hoard them. Lily, cool as a cucumber, hung back and absent-mindedly read the instructions. After all, what use would she possibly have for such a potion?
Once everyone else was already busy brewing, Lily was able to browse for ingredients in peace. She had grown to be quite particular over the past few weeks and was able to hand-select everything she wanted (and pocket a few ingredients for some potions she had brewing back in her dorm). She then went back and set to work on prepping her ingredients calmly. Lily would sometimes talk with Mary, Marlene, and Alice during this class, but glancing over to them, each seemed more anxious than the next. As such, she simply worked on her own, humming some Rolling Stones tunes. She more or less zoned out and was pleasantly surprised to discover, once finished, that there were still 20 minutes left in class. She left her potion simmering and started cleaning up her working station.
"Lily!" Alice hissed. "Are you already finished?" She nodded. "How?" she asked, clearly distressed.
"Just lucky, I guess," she said casually. "Maybe I missed something. Who knows?"
Beside her, Mary groaned. "Lily, come help me," she begged. Lily popped over to examine her cauldron.
"You added too much daisyroot," Lily told her. "That's why it's all brown."
"How do I fix it?" she cried.
"Er," Lily started. There was really no way to take it back, once added. "You can try some goosegrass, if you want. That would at least help the colour some."
"Why didn't you help us?" Marlene asked accusingly.
"You... didn't ask me to?" Lily suggested reasonably.
"Don't play smart with us, Lily," she continued to complain. "Just look at your potion! This is clearly a massive betrayal."
"Marlene, I will take that as the compliment that I really want today," she said happily.
When her work station was clear, Lily re-read the section on love potions. Now that the potion had been simmering, there was just one instruction left to enact: she had to imbue it with her own essence. Seemingly, any part of her body would do, including fingernails, or even earwax. However, Lily had a hunch that some parts were better than others. Determined, she picked up one of her unused knives and – with her breath held – pricked her fingertip. She squeezed at the base of her finger until she had a complete drop, then shook it into the potion. She watched as the entire potion turned red and noticed that the smell changed to something she couldn't quite recognize.
When it was time for Slughorn to grade their potions, Lily returned to her book from the morning. She was sitting at the very back of class and was destined to be last. His grading also seemed to be taking extremely long, as every fourth-year girl was trying to negotiate with him to let them keep the potion or try again.
Finally, when Slughorn approached her cauldron, she put down her book. He examined the colour and consistency, and held it up to waft its smell. "My word, Miss Evans! This is remarkable!" he exclaimed.
"Thank you," Lily replied, grinning ear to ear. She could hear dejected students sigh and groan across the class.
"I think you may be the most gifted young pupil I've ever had," he told her proudly.
"One question, professor," she asked as he turned to walk away.
"Ask away, my dear."
"Is there any significance to the smell? I could tell it changed at the end, but there was nothing written in the book."
"Ah, excellent question, Miss Evans. Excellent question indeed." He walked up the aisle to the front of class before answering. "Smell is extremely important for love potions, as it is for real love. I trust that all of you know that the Amortentia – the most powerful of love potions – smells different to each individual." Lily nodded along, though this was clearly news to the rest of the class. "The potion I tasked all of you with brewing is quite a bit weaker. And you'll note that unlike other love potions, this one is specific to the brewer. For this reason, it smells exactly like the witch or wizard who made that potion. Of course, that also makes it very difficult for young students to know when they have brewed it correctly!" he exclaimed with a chuckle. No one laughed.
"Alright," he said, clapping his hands together. "Class is dismissed. Miss Evans, you may select a bottle for your potion and then come and see me up front." Lily had never received so many dirty looks as she scooped her potion into a glass bottle and applied the stopper. Then she went up to his desk, where he wrote her a letter granting her special dispensation for keeping the potion.
"Sir," she started. "What would happen if someone drank their own love potion?"
The colour drained from his face. "Are you thinking of doing that?"
"Of course not," she replied immediately. "Just academic curiosity."
"Oh," he sighed happily as he signed the letter. "Well, I've never heard of someone who's done that in the literature," he told her. "Theoretically, I suppose they would feel tremendous feelings of self-love. But this potion, like all love potions, is only temporary."
"Of course," Lily agreed.
"Excellent work today," he praised as he handed her the letter. "I daresay, you can expect an invitation to my next party," he said with a smile.
"I'd be delighted," she agreed pleasantly.
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
When Lily made it back to the common room, she was almost euphoric to see Remus and Peter sitting alone (that is, without James and Candice) and went and joined them. The day had been positively exhausting.
"Lily!" Peter greeted.
"Are the rumours true?" Remus questioned.
"What rumours?" she asked, confused.
"The rumours," Peter insisted. Lily had no idea what they were talking about.
"The rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated," she deadpanned.
Remus shoved her in the side playfully. "Did Slughorn let you keep a love potion?"
"Oh yeah," she told them happily, having already forgotten about the whole affair. She reached down and took it out of her book bag to show them. They ogled appropriately and Lily was very proud of herself.
"Got any plans for it?" Peter asked innocently.
"Not really," she told them. "There's no one I would possibly use it on."
"Not even James?" Remus prompted lightly.
Lily snorted. "Of course not," she told them. "Is this some sort of test?" The pair looked perplexed. "You're trying to make sure I'm not going to slip your mate an illicit potion?"
"No, we were just wondering," Peter said defensively.
"That would be the worst, most short-sighted plan ever dreamt of," Lily went on.
"I suppose," Remus agreed. "No one else?"
"No," Lily emphasized. "I don't know why that would be even remotely desirable. Honestly, I'd give it to one of you if it weren't specific to me."
"How kind of you," Peter told her. "Still, that's pretty cool. Slughorn always does this for the fourth-years on Valentine's and I don't think anyone's ever brewed the full potion."
"Oh thanks!" Lily replied, swelling with pride. "So maybe all my potion-making isn't a silly hobby after all?"
"Not a chance!" Peter teased.
At that moment, Peter and Candice entered the common room. Sixth-years had the afternoon off and the pair of them had clearly slipped over to Hogsmeade – their cheeks were rosy from the cold and they were holding numerous bags. She felt all of her pride get rapidly replaced with envy. She could almost see what everyone was getting at when they suggested giving James the potion...
"Lily, you're staring," Sirius murmured in her ear, bringing her back to the present.
"Don't know what you're talking about," she told him. She stood up and went up to her dorm.
Alice, Mary, and Marlene were all in there, talking in the corner. "We're not really mad at you, Lily," Alice told her. "But we need to sit and fume for a while anyway."
Lily chuckled and started tending to her latest potion. After a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. The four girls looked at each other curiously and Lily, who was closest, got up to answer it. To her surprise, when the door swung open, it revealed Candice's figure. "Hello Lily," she greeted pleasantly. "Do you mind if I come in?"
"Uhh, I suppose not," Lily replied numbly. She was completely shocked at her presence.
"Which one is yours?" Candice asked, gesturing to the beds. Lily pointed her in the right direction and went to sit with her. "This is cozy," she commented with a smile.
"It's basically the same as the boys' dorm," Lily observed.
Candice chuckled. "I guess so! Much neater, though." Lily didn't know what to say. "I hope you don't mind me coming up here," she continued.
"Of course not," Lily lied. She would rather be talking to just about anyone else. Maybe I should bring back Angus from this morning, she mused dryly.
"Great," Candice smiled. "I was just hoping we could have a bit of a heart-to-heart."
"Er, about what?" Lily stammered.
"Oh, you know, girl chat." She said it perfectly pleasantly, but Lily despised the term nonetheless.
"Okay..."
Candice sighed. "I have to admit Lily, I love having you around with the boys. It's so nice not to be the only girl." Lily wasn't sure where this was going. "But when I first started dating James, I wasn't really sure why you were always hanging out with them, given that you're so much younger."
Candice had said it with a smile, but Lily still felt metaphorical daggers. She opened her mouth to object but Candice continued.
"But we've all been friends for a while now, and I think I've got you all figured out." Lily stared at her blankly. "You and your heart, that is," she finished.
The dagger twisted. Was this an ambush? Her heart racing, Lily sat there saying absolutely nothing for fear of giving herself away.
"Oh Lily, don't worry so much!" Candice exclaimed. "You can tell me anything – your secret's safe with me." She seemed eerily calm.
"I..." Lily started awkwardly. "I don't know what you're getting at," she finally said noncommittally.
"Lily," Candice said more softly. She reached over and took her hand. "You fancy Sirius, right?" Lily felt several emotions wash over her: relief, confusion, objection. She still wasn't saying anything, so Candice went on. "I've seen the way you two talk to each other," she explained. "And don't think I haven't seen him sneaking off to hang out with you in your dorm!"
"Er... that's true," Lily granted.
"And when I saw you turn down that boy this morning at breakfast, I knew for sure. It was written all over you that you really fancied someone else."
Candice was clearly expecting her to say something. "That's... I guess that's also true," Lily conceded ambiguously. A part of her knew she should be out-right objecting, but she shamefully decided to go with the path of least resistance.
"Anyways, I wasn't going to say anything," Candice told her. "But I heard today that you won Slughorn's love potion challenge!" she said with a big smile. "Way to go, by the way."
"Oh thanks," Lily mumbled. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well, it's just... girl-to-girl," Candice started. Lily wanted to vomit just a little bit at her phrasing. "If it were me in your position, I'd be tempted to slip Sirius the potion."
"Oh, of course," she agreed, not fully following.
"And I just wanted to come here and give you some perspective."
"Uh huh?"
"Well, I don't think giving someone a love potion is good under any circumstances," she counselled, somewhat patronizingly. "It will wear off eventually, and they'll know what you did."
"True," Lily agreed. Hadn't I just made this exact point?
"But in this case, I just wanted to add my two cents."
"Yes?" Lily questioned, feeling quite fatigued.
"Well," she couldn't help but smile. "I think that Sirius fancies you too."
Lily sat straight up. "What?"
"I know, I know, we're always our own worst critics, right? I didn't believe it when James said he liked me..." she trailed off. Lily wanted very much to kick her off her bed. "But anyways, I've been watching how he talks about you and acts with you. And I actually think the pair of you would make a great couple!"
Lily exhaled, relieved. Clearly, Sirius hadn't actually said anything to this effect and Candice was simply misreading their friendship. "If you say so," she replied.
"Well, you never know," Candice conceded. "But that's my read of things."
"Well... thanks," Lily told her. She wasn't really sure why Candice was still hanging around in her room.
"So I was hoping that if you knew that, you would be able to see why giving him the potion would be a terrible idea."
"Ohh," Lily murmured. She forgot already forgotten that was where the conversation began. Lily sighed, trying to play her part. "I guess that's a good point," she said, pretending that she was just now resigning herself to not use the potion.
"Oh good," Candice exclaimed, bringing a hand to Lily's shoulder. "I was really hoping you would see it my way." She smiled and started to stand up. Finally, Lily thought wistfully.
"For sure," Lily agreed. "Well thanks for stopping by and for the advice," she said as though she appreciated it. She stopped at the door, realizing how awkward this would be if it got out. "Would you mind, er, not telling anyone about this?"
"Of course! Like I said, safe with me." She mimed zipping her lips shut. Then she turned and left.
Lily sighed heavily, returning to her bed. "Do you think she's that gregarious all the time?" she asked her dorm mates.
"Yeah, probably," Marlene agreed from her corner. "But we're still not talking to you."
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
After Candice left, Lily was contemplating going to bed and skipping the feast altogether. Unfortunately, her body was not on the same page and her growling stomach eventually caused her to stand up, grab her book bag, and head for supper.
Whoever was in charge of organizing the Valentine's feast this year had gone all out. As Lily approached the Great Hall, a suit of armour handed her a heart-shaped balloon that was actively sparkling and glistening. Lily tried to turn hers down, but the armour blocked the doors and pried it into her hand. She took it under duress and entered the Hall. She could already tell without much scrutiny that the dining options were elaborate. She could see bright red soup, heart-shaped pasta, and countless chocolate fondue fountains. As Lily was late, most of the seats seemed to be occupied already. She scanned up and down the table trying to find a place to sit.
Thanks to one impeccable head of blonde hair, she was immediately able to spot James and Candice. They were also sitting with Sirius, but all of the surrounding seats were full. She tried to look for somewhere else but Sirius had already called her over, so she reluctantly went to say hello.
"Happy Valentine's, Evans," Sirius told her.
"Gee thanks," she replied bluntly.
"How are you celebrating?"
"You know me," she said in a sing-song voice. "Breaking hearts left, right, and centre."
"That can't be true," he objected.
"It is if you count the fourth-year Gryffindor and Hufflepuff girls," she argued.
"Oh yeah!" James interjected. "I heard about the love potion. Did he really let you keep it?" Lily nodded and, realizing it was still in her book bag, took it out to show him as well. "Amazing," James told her, looking at it. "I never guessed Slughorn would actually keep his word. Who's the lucky guy?"
Lily laughed and Candice looked at her with narrow eyes. "There is no lucky guy," she told both of them.
"You sure?" Candice questioned innocently.
"A hundred per cent," she assured her. "I would never slip anyone a love potion."
James removed the stopper from the potion and carefully looked inside. "Huh," he commented. "It does smell like you."
Lily felt very uncomfortable hearing James nonchalantly talk about her odour. She probably blushed. "If you say so," she told him.
Sirius grabbed the potion from him and also took a smell. He pretended to be repulsed. Lily, finished with being witty for the day, flashed him one of her fingers.
"Oh that's kind," he told her, giving her back the potion.
"You're one to talk," she replied. Across the table, Candice winked in Lily's direction. Lily took a few steps back, trying to gain any distance she could muster.
"I think there's space down by Remus and Peter. I'll walk you," Sirius offered. Lily gave him a sideways glance at this unusual offer, but they set off. Seconds later, she had an arm around her shoulder and she was pulled up close against him. "So I hear we're star-crossed lovers," he told her conversationally.
Lily let out a deep and long groan. "Sirius, how is this happening to me?" she questioned rhetorically. "I'm polite and studious and wholesome and I mind my own business. How did I end up in a love triangle?"
"You can't choose who you love," he reflected. "Or who you fake love," he added jovially.
"Merlin, some secret-keeper Candice is," Lily complained. "What was that, like an hour? I assume the whole school knows now?"
"Oh probably," he replied good-naturedly. There was indeed an empty seat by Remus and Peter and Sirius left her as she settled in. They had obviously taken advantage of suit of armour, as they had roughly thirty balloons between the two of them. She happily offloaded hers and added it to the collection.
"Lily," Peter greeted, as he accepted her balloon. "You and Sirius, eh?"
"Yes, of course. Quite the affair."
"What happened to you and James?" Remus asked.
"There was never a 'me and James.'" She replied automatically. "Anyways, how did you find out about the Sirius thing?"
"From Sirius," they answered in unison.
"And he found out from Candice?" she clarified.
"Oh, no," Peter corrected. "He found out from James."
"Oh," she said simply. She willed herself not to care. "So, I guess he found out from Candice." They nodded. Lily sighed and took out her love potion again. "It's a wonder anyone would be jealous of me getting to keep this," she commented as she looked right at it. "It seems like we've all been drinking too much as it is."
Remus chuckled. "Yes, we've been slipping you some made by James every day for the last three years. It's fun to watch you suffer."
"I don't love him," she lied. "I'm a—" she began.
"If you say 'emotional nihilist' one more time," Remus warned.
Lily sighed and set to work on her pasta. She absentmindedly wished she could make good on her words and really stop thinking about James. Then, as she was staring at her potion, she had a wicked, terrible, inadvisable idea. But she couldn't shake it all the same. Carefully, she took the stopper out of her potion and emptied it into her glass of pumpkin juice.
"Lily," Peter squeaked. "What are you doing?"
"Nothing," she shrugged back.
"That doesn't look like nothing," Remus argued. "You can't seriously be thinking of giving that to someone?"
"Of course not," she agreed.
"Then what are you doing?" Peter asked again.
Without stopping to pause – and risk losing her momentary boldness – Lily downed the entire glass.
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
After Lily had the potion, the next series of actions happened very quickly. Unsure of what was about to happen, Remus and Peter promptly decided they needed to get her somewhere private. They stood up and dragged her out of the Hall. When she assured them that she felt fine, the took her up to the common room, rather than the hospital wing. Once there, they dithered for a moment, then brought her up to their dorm. She sat down on what she remembered being Sirius' bed.
"Do you feel anything?" Remus questioned. Lily shook her head. "Okay, good," he commented. "Maybe a love potion just doesn't have any effect if the same person drinks it."
"I guess we'll find out," Lily observed nonchalantly.
"Why did you drink it?" Peter asked. "That's so out of character."
"I'd had quite the day," she said defensively.
"Yes, and that might be a good reason to have a few drinks," Remus responded. "It's a considerably worse reason to try an experimental potion."
Lily took a deep breath and lay down. "Everyone kept going on and on about that potion and how lucky I was," she explained. "But it was completely useless because I could never give it to anyone. So I just wanted it gone. It was this or throw it out."
"You should have thrown it out," the boys replied in unison.
"Too late now," she told them faintly. She was starting to feel a little warm and tingly in her hands and feet. She opted not to mention this for fear they would send her to the hospital wing.
Remus sighed. "So the question is what to do now..." he mused. "Is there an antidote?"
"Yes," Lily informed them, having just read this chapter. "But it takes three days to brew."
"I don't suppose this is one of the potions you already made for fun, is it?" Peter asked optimistically. Lily shook her head.
Remus cursed under his breath. "So our options are to either do nothing or take you to Slughorn, who will immediately know what you did."
"Maybe he won't care," Peter suggested. "He likes Lily."
"Or maybe he'll have to report her to someone else who will expel her."
"Also possible," Peter agreed. Lily was only loosely following the conversation at this point. She noticed that her vision had gone ever so slightly hazy, with faint halos appearing around lights. She tried to tell herself this was just a placebo effect.
"How are you feeling, Lily?" Remus asked her anxiously.
"Great," she responded honestly.
"Oh. That's probably not good," he said with a frown.
"No really, I feel great," she told them with a smile. "I don't think anything bad is going to happen. I should probably just go up to my own room so I don't embarrass myself."
"We're definitely not letting you go sit in your room alone," Remus told her forcefully. "That's when we'd find you dead in the morning."
"You're being melodramatic," she told him. "But fine, I can stay here."
Lily started having something of an out-of-body experience. She wanted nothing more than to grab a mirror and examine her reflection, though she realized how that would look to the other boys. Instead, she settled for closing her eyes and reliving the experience she had looking in the mirror earlier in the morning. Quite quickly, she began realizing that she had been far too hard on herself. The breakouts she had been stressing about were really quite small and, on the contrary, she actually had gorgeous, porcelain skin on account of her hair. Lily also realized that she never spent enough time appreciating her other features. She really did adore her gorgeous green eyes, but never talked about it for fear of sounding conceded. Her nose and mouth were also lovely and proportional to her face.
"Lily!" she heard and opened her eyes. "Snap out of it!" Remus instructed. "Are you okay?"
"Of course," she told him. "More than okay."
"You haven't said anything for ten or fifteen minutes," he observed.
"Just deep in thought," she told him as though this were an everyday occurrence.
"Hopefully regret," he suggested sarcastically.
"Nope," Lily told him. "I think that was my best decision ever." She meant it to sound sarcastic, but it ended up coming out fairly serious.
"And how's that?"
"Well, I never do anything reckless," she mused. "And I never even really do anything for myself. So I suppose this solves two problems at once."
"So you're enjoying it then?" Peter asked from his bed.
"Oh it's wonderful," she told them, perhaps too eagerly. "I would recommend this to everybody."
"You know, Narcissus fell in love with his own reflection and then wasted away," Remus commented.
"Yes, but on the other hand," Lily replied. "Someone asked me on a date this morning and I assumed it was for shits and giggles."
"Valid," Remus admitted. "Though there were probably safer ways to convince yourself that you're worthy of love."
"I am worthy of love," she realized out-loud.
"You're also off your rocker," Remus countered.
Without active conversation, Lily sipped back into her own thoughts and started dwelling on her interactions with her sister, her dorm mates, the Marauders, James... Then the sound of the door opening brought her back to reality. She sat straight up. "Sirius!" she greeted.
"Evans," he nodded back. "Nice to see you on my bed. How are you holding up?"
"I'm fantastic," she told him earnestly. Surprise flickered across his face.
"What's up with her?" he asked the other two.
"She drank her own love potion," Peter told him as though it were nothing.
Sirius' face lit up. "Evans!" he cried with a big smile. "You did not!"
"You can't possibly think this is a good idea," Remus objected.
"Oh, it's the action of a raging lunatic," Sirius concurred. "But I'm thrilled to see Lily do anything other than compulsively study and brew potions in her room." He went over and joined Lily on his bed. "How are you feeling?" he asked.
"I feel marvelous," she told him. "I never realized how hard I was on myself!"
"Well I won't argue with that," he replied. "But what are you actually feeling?"
"I feel..." she started, struggling to verbalize her experience. "Warm. And embraced. Almost like someone's wrapped me in a wonderful warmed blanket," she told him. "But that's just the half of it," she added excitedly.
"Go on," he encouraged.
"Just as you were walking in here, I finally made peace with my body," she told him emphatically. He looked confused. "I think another girl might understand that better," she reflected. "But my insecurities are gone. And I've realized that it doesn't matter that I don't know as much about magical culture as you lot. Because I know so much more about muggles and I'm getting two secondary school educations and amazing grades in both," she said quickly. She had a faint awareness that she was probably oversharing but was too excited to help it.
Just then, she looked away from Sirius to see that Candice and James had entered the room. "How's it going up here?" James asked conversationally.
"Lily's made peace with her body," Sirius told him unhelpfully.
"Was there a previous war?" James questioned in jest.
Lily was trying to talk less but everyone was looking to her to explain. "You joke," she replied simply. "But kind of."
"And what does that even mean?"
"Just that I hated it." A small part of Lily's brain was advising her against broadcasting her insecurities to the boy she fancied but she was already in too deep.
"Hated... your body?"
Lily nodded rapidly, but James didn't seem convinced. "Take my hair" she explained by way of example. She held up a piece for added effect. "I've spent my whole life wishing for beautiful, perfect hair. Like Candice's," she added, realizing that her hair idol was mere metres away. "But now I realize that's probably overrated. Because even though my hair is a frizzy mess that kind of looks like a bird's nest and stands out like a sore thumb, it's at least unique."
No one said anything. "Is she on something?" James asked suspiciously.
"Her love potion," chimed three voices at once.
Candice gasped, bringing a hand to her mouth. "Lily, you didn't," she sighed.
James, on the other hand, laughed uproariously. "What would possibly possess you to do that?" he questioned after he settled down.
"What else was I going to do with it?" she shot back. "It's not like I could give it to anyone else." James continued to laugh. "Anyway, I stand by it. It's a positive experience." She was significantly underselling it.
"You are certifiably insane," James told her.
"Institutionalize me if you must," she replied with a sigh.
"We haven't ruled that out as an option for tonight, you know," Remus chimed in.
"You should take her to the hospital wing," Candice told them all. "I'm sure they have an antidote."
"Yes, but why would I want one?" Lily asked rhetorically.
"Plus she'll get in wicked trouble," Peter reminded them all.
"So you're just going to leave her like this?" Candice questioned, horrified.
"She looks fine to me," James commented generously.
"Thank you!" Lily said happily, feeling validated. "I'm not drunk or anything," she reasoned. "I'm just... practicing some intense self-compassion. That's not a compromising a position." Damn it Lily, why are you still talking?
"We'll see if you agree about that tomorrow," Remus said doubtfully.
"Such a skeptic," Lily remarked. "I know I sounded a little mad a minute ago, but I really feel like I'm in control of all my faculties. Just suddenly I'm freed from being so hard on myself all the time." Calm down, talk less.
"You know, it's wild how often I hear sane people begin sentences with 'I know I sounded a little mad,'" Sirius teased.
"Have it your way," she said, acquiescing. Privately, she noticed that her vision seemed a little off. She wasn't completely sure of how far away objects in the room were and some of them seemed to appear a bit bigger than she remembered.
James sighed and ruffled his hair. "So what's our plan here?"
"Go enjoy your night," Sirius said to the couple. "I'll look after her."
James shrugged and looked at Candice, who was clearly conflicted. Lily watched Candice glance between herself and Sirius and could almost imagine her weighing her desire to be a good Samaritan against her desire to play matchmaker. "Okay," Candice said after a moment. "As long as Sirius promises to bring her straight to the hospital wing if she looks unwell."
"Understood," Sirius agreed.
"Bye guys," she told the couple as they turned to leave. "Have a great night," she told them, possibly forcefully. Lily felt as though as though she were vibrating or swaying, although she wasn't sure which. Partly to save face, she lay back down and closed her eyes and focused on how tranquil she was feeling.
"You almost sound happy for them," came Sirius' voice. Lily's eyes popped back open. She truthfully didn't know how long they had been closed for but operated under the assumption that it must have just been a few seconds.
"I am," she replied honestly.
Sirius scoffed. "Since when?"
Lily frowned. "How long has it been since I drank the potion?"
"Is that a serious question?"
"Kind of."
"Like an hour," he told her, laughing. "It is truly delightful to see you like this Lily," he told her. Then he went digging through his belongings and retrieved a bottle of firewhisky.
"I thought you were supposed to look after me," Lily commented sardonically.
"This is the closest I'm getting to drinking with you, Evans. I'm not about to pass it up," he replied. Sirius took out a few glasses and started pouring drinks. "Mates, this is perhaps our one chance to get drunk with Lily before she returns to a life of pretending she's an old spinster with nothing left going for her except for potion-making," he told them all with an air of great significance.
"I am in the room, you know," Lily added dryly.
"Moony," he said as he passed Remus a glass. "Wormtail," he said in turn. Then he made to pour himself a glass.
"I'll have one," Lily said, shocking even herself.
"No," said Remus and Peter sternly.
Sirius gasped at his friends' objection. "But she might actually drink it this time," he whined.
"She doesn't need any more substances thrown into the mix," Remus said reasonably.
Sirius sighed. "We really have been spending too much time with you, Evans. You're starting to rub off on my mates and I can't say I'm at all a fan."
"It's probably for the best," Lily agreed reluctantly. "I do feel as though I might be a bit drunk," she commented. "Or high?" she questioned, having never been either before. The boys – save for Remus – looked confused, so she explained about her sensation of moving and the way objects seemed to be swelling and shrinking.
"Evans, I think you may have discovered a new form of intoxication," Sirius told her. Then he held up his glass in the form of a toast. "To Lily's wonderful new invention," he called and the boys all took a swig of their drinks.
Lily couldn't help but giggle as they were recovering. "What's so funny, Lily?" Remus asked her. He seemed to have given up any pretense of disappointment.
"It has to be the most erudite form of intoxication ever," she told them, continued to laugh. Some of the boys laughed as well, though she got the sense they were amused as her state of mind more than anything.
"Moony, your turn," Sirius instructed. "What are we toasting?"
"To giving Lily a hard time," Remus called, holding his cup in the air. The boys drank again, drowning out Lily's objection ('You're so mean," she whined petulantly).
The four of them chatted idly for a few minutes. "Guys," Lily started after a time. "I think the love potion's wearing off." She had enjoyed the trip but was glad the perceptual abnormalities were over all the same.
"She lies!" Sirius cried. "She just wants our firewhisky."
"No, I swear," Lily insisted. "Look!" she called out suddenly. She stood up and started walking in a straight line with one foot right in front of the other – as though she were traversing an invisible tightrope.
"What on earth are you doing?" Peter questioned. "I think you've really lost it this time."
"It's a sobriety test," she replied. "I... guess it's a muggle thing," she concluded, looking at their faces.
"This proves nothing," Remus commented. "Here's the real test: how do you feel about your hair?"
Lily couldn't help but laugh. "Well, I do still feel grateful that it's unique—" she started before being promptly cut off.
"I've hear enough. Wormtail, your turn to toast," Remus said, nodding in his direction.
"I never have anything clever to toast to," Peter complained.
"Tough," Sirius told him. "I need an excuse to drink."
Peter sighed. "To Valentine's," he said weakly after a moment. Sirius and Remus drank heartily all the same.
"I really do feel back to normal," Lily complained. "I am allowed to appreciate my hair, you know."
"She makes a good point, Padfoot," Peter voiced. "If this were our standard, we'd think you were perpetually drunk."
"Aren't I, though?" he countered seamlessly. "Speaking of," he said and held up his cup. "You're up, Evans."
"Are you going to let me have a drink this time? Or I have to initiate the toast with an invisible drink?"
Sirius appraised her carefully. "Do that sobriety test thing again," he ordered.
Lily leapt up and started walking heel to toe again. "Is this really convincing you?" she asked after a minute or so of silence.
"Nope," Sirius told her. "I was already convinced. I just wanted to see you look like an idiot again."
Lily started to complain but saw that Sirius was getting a fourth glass, so she shut her mouth. Once it was poured, she held it up: "to self-love" she called. Everyone drank.
"Does this mean we're finished with emotional nihilism?" Sirius questioned.
Lily couldn't help but chuckle. "Yes, we're finished. I'm human. I have emotions."
"Does this mean we're also finished pretending that you're not upset about James and Candice?"
"Yes," Lily replied thoughtfully. "We can be finished with that too."
"To being honest!" they heard and looked to see Peter seizing the opportunity to make a good toast. To being honest indeed, Lily though as she took another sip. She vowed to herself that she would try to – if nothing else – move through the rest of the semester with more openness and better coping.
