Author's Note: I think you guys might be the best readers ever! Thank you, quite honestly, to everyone – but extra thanks to the people who pushed me past 100 reviews! I jumped for joy when I saw that (and also all the love I've been getting on Tumblr lately!).
And a couple specific shout-outs (though I love every single review and they're all cherished): Rmmurphy, re: 'does James even know what he's doing?' This is a super apt sentiment and one well worth keeping in mind! He is a seventeen-year old boy... You'll see that you inspired a line in this chapter. Similarly, Lily Bit Cariad inspired a whole scene (it took me a while, but it was a grand idea, so I knew I'd work it in there!). Also, a special thank you to everyone on Tumblr who weighed in about whether James and Lily should be Head Boy/Prefect (originally asked by Katy, who is also amazing!). It was a weighty decision and I put a long explanation about my reasoning at the end of the chapter.
Also a huge thank-you to everyone who wished my arm well! I've reached the halfway point of my cast purgatory... cannot wait to never see it again!
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When Lily and Sirius talked about her magical summer bubble bursting, she had been focused solely on her relationship with James. She had been afraid that starting back to school would somehow change James' behaviour toward her – that he would suddenly remember that there were girls his own age and give Lily the other cold shoulder (compared to the one he had definitively given her last year). However, upon her return, she realized that she had been correct and yet deeply confused with her analogy. She and James had been in a bubble, but not one of intimacy; they were in an insulated bubble where they pretended they were muggles and remained ignorant of the significant strife playing out in the magical world. Or, Lily supposed, she remained ignorant, and James helped her.
As soon as she had disembarked from the Hogwarts Express, she realized that something was very different in the world. Lily had always been on the receiving end of negative remarks and stares, but they had grown, seemingly overnight, to a new level. Looking up and down the Gryffindor table, she was able to note several conspicuous absences amongst her muggle-born classmates in other years. Embarrassed, she intentionally sat with her female friends and demanded that they bring her up to speed. Reluctantly, they offered up bits and pieces of information, each girl more uncomfortable than the next. Nearly every industry Lily could think of had followed the Prophet in banning muggle-born employees, meanwhile 'purebloods' were forbidden from frequenting any small-businesses owned or operated by muggle-born witches or wizards. There had been a movement afoot to ban new enrolment of any muggle-born students to Hogwarts that Dumbledore had fought with all his might – causing journalists to turn against him at the drop of a hat. Meanwhile, there had been several high-profile murders of families with mixed blood statuses and there had been open threats made against muggle families of muggle-born students. After learning this, it came as no surprise to Lily in the coming weeks that she was hated, teased, and even openly targeted by her fellow students nearly every time she left her common room. As if suffering some sort of mass denial, neither she nor the Marauders openly discussed this tremendous change, though there was an unspoken agreement that one of them accompanied Lily anytime she had to head anywhere in the castle.
Amidst all of these developments, Lily and James seemed to grow, if possible, even more attached to one another. At first, Lily couldn't help but wonder about his motivations. Was he overcompensating to make her feel better while she was immersed in a deeply shitty situation? Was he interested in her but holding back to detract from unwanted attention? Was he just cozying up to her as a façade to provide round the clock protection without hurting her feelings? The questions were endless – and after indulging in them for several days, Lily swore the whole process off. After all, she had promised to be more spontaneous, and she refused to spend the whole year overanalyzing the boy's maddeningly inexplicable actions. Instead, she tried simply to enjoy his attention, in whatever form she could, and work on her own self-confidence (and for that, she owed endless thanks to her new hair and make-up routine that made her feel, for once, as though she looked exactly as she wanted to).
Recognizing how precious this year was going to be, Lily was doing her very best to preserve her spare time. Her jam-packed summer had shown Lily that she could use her time much more efficiently and still excel academically, causing her to actually spend less time on schoolwork, despite it being her O.W.L. year. Additionally, she met with Professor McGonagall and made the tough decision to drop Arithmancy. Although it wasn't her sole motivating factor, she was content to no longer have to make small-talk during that class with Elroy, who continued to sit beside her like a friendly ghost, reminding her of how awkward she had been just two years ago. This decision had given her an extra spare period every Thursday afternoon. This particular Thursday afternoon found Lily Evans in the same location as every other: crashing the Marauders' Muggle Studies class. She had initially started doing this as a joke, but it soon became a weekly habit. James reciprocated by attending Fifth Year History of Magic. The two always sat in the back of these classes, half-daydreaming and feasting on snacks they acquired from the kitchens on their way there.
"Can anyone tell me what this person's job is?" the mousy professor asked. It was a very humorous arrangement. She had acquired a muggle overheard projector but, as Hogwarts lacked any electricity or outlets, she was magically powering it. The pictures that she was showing were cartoonish drawings of different occupations. The whole exercise rather resembled a kindergarten class. This specific drawing was of a dentist – he was carrying a toothbrush and wearing a white coat with a drawing of a smiling molar on it. Lily, who was doodling on James' notebook, wrote 'dentist' in big, curvy letters.
"A dontist?" James misread.
"Oh, very good, Mr. Potter," the professor squeaked. "But that's actually pronounced 'dentist.'" There was a beat of silence. "Right, Ms. Evans?"
The corners of her lips turned upwards as she gave a nod. "Although, interestingly, that's how it's pronounced in 'orthodontist.'"
"That's – wait, what's an orthodontist?" The dynamic in this course was always a laugh. With the ever-rising anti-muggle sentiments, there were now just ten students in the class. Given this shockingly low enrollment, Professor Whyte was more than happy to welcome Lily as an auditing student – and that was before she discovered that Lily was muggle-born and therefore an expert on the subject. Lily obliged the professor and gave a brief explanation. While she did, James took her left hand and started writing something. He returned her hand a moment later. It now read: 'Teacher's Pet.'
Professor Whyte projected a drawing of a lawyer. Lily took James' hand and wrote the answer down. "Law-y-er," he announced. Lily snorted. Ten points were awarded to Gryffindor, much to the chagrin of the other six students in the class. Next, the professor projected an image of a nurse, compete with a barely-there skirt. James confidently announced what Lily had etched on his arm: "stripper." Professor Whyte squeaked and turned pink. Lily gave a performance worthy of an Academy Award and looked as though it was a simple misunderstanding. She quickly scribbled another term that he, again, read out without thinking: "exotic dancer." Retaliation ensued.
"Gee Mary," Marlene cracked later that night as Lily stepped into her dorm. "Do you think James is marking his territory?"
"What makes you say that?" Mary responded. "The giant 'POTTER WAS HERE' written down Lily's arm?"
"Actually, I would have said his general behaviour and flirting," she replied with a wink.
"Hello to you both," Lily said cheerily, as she set to work on a new potion.
"Any new developments?" Marlene grilled. Lily shook her head.
"But he gave you a flying lesson last night, right?"
"He did," Lily answered happily. "And I'll have you know, I managed to hover a few centimetres off the ground." She started slicing her daisy roots.
"Yes, but did he have to hop on the broom with you to show you how it's done?" Marlene asked, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Or did he kiss you congratulations?"
"Oh, you two," Lily replied in a sing-song voice. She was well-acquainted with this routine, having been on the receiving end of it nearly every time she was alone with the girls all year. Things had really escalated when they had discovered that when Lily had discussed going to 'interesting locations,' she had completely elided the fact that James had taken her to Paris (fortunately, their outrage was assuaged when Lily produced a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for each of them). Truthfully, Lily didn't mind the song and dance one bit – it was a good source of harmless fun amidst some very trying times. "Speaking of – where's Alice? She usually reigns in the two of you."
"She's at rounds," Mary sighed.
"Oh, of course," Lily nodded. Much to her delight, Lily had almost completely immersed herself in the Marauders' lives this year – so much so that she often failed to keep tabs on her roommates. Privately, she vowed to make a greater effort to track the girls' schedules.
"It's so boring just the two of us," Mary went on to complain.
"And who am I?" Lily asked sarcastically.
"Some strange Marauder who sits in the corner brewing potions in her spare time." Lily couldn't help but laugh – as well as revel in being called a Marauder.
"Love potions, I assume," Marlene added.
Lily added the daisy roots to her cauldron and set her sights on her bat wings. "Naturally," she agreed. "Can I hope that you guys tease Alice this much when I'm not around?"
"Tease her about what?"
"Isn't she doing her prefect rounds with Frank all the time? That seems ripe for teasing." Oh, to be a fly on the wall for those rounds.
"Nah," Marlene said casually. "That's not nearly as fun."
"Why not?" Lily huffed.
Mary and Marlene looked at each other, clearly struggling to articulate. Mary attempted an answer: "Alice doesn't necessarily reciprocate. And maybe is unaware. And doesn't talk about it herself." Mary seemed at a loss for words. "And I guess she just seems generally uncomfortable about it. Whereas you've been openly crazy about James for three years."
Lily tilted her head this way and that to show that this explanation had merit. "Plus, she's not as pale – so she's automatically not as fun to tease." This earned Mary a pillow in the face.
"So, you're still not going to say anything to James?" Marlene summarized, tossing said pillow back.
"I'm still very content, yes," Lily reminded her with a serene smile.
"And all this... content...ness..." Marlene fumbled.
"Content," Mary corrected.
"Sure. Are you sure it isn't just a front?" Marlene continued awkwardly.
"You mean, am I just overcompensating because of how shite the world's gotten for muggle-borns?" Lily supplied immediately. It was, after all, the exact same sin she'd mentally accused James of. Truth be told, she suspected they were both guilty.
"Er... yeah."
"So what if I am?" No one was able to produce a cogent rebuttal.
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
When the first Hogsmeade trip was announced, Lily had suggested to the Marauders that they just stay put at the castle. After all, she had reasoned, they could sneak out to Hogsmeade whenever they pleased, so why go when half the school was going to be there? (Also, not getting excited by Hogsmeade did seem like the more mature response.) Surprisingly, they were all oddly intent on going and Lily soon found out why: Peter had a date and the other boys wanted to surreptitiously spy.
To Lily, it seemed as though everyone was dating these days, with Peter merely representing the latest one of her friends to fall in a series of dominos. James had obviously led the charge by dating Candice for nearly six months last year. However, when Lily returned from the break, she learned that Remus had followed suit with a summer fling (he was not exactly forthcoming with the details, but she gathered it was with a muggle). Sirius, for his part, continued to express no interest in having a relationship, but that wasn't enough to save Lily from an awkward moment shortly after school resumed. She realized one afternoon that she had left her Potions textbook in the Marauders' dorm and, without thinking (and certainly without remembering that a good accio can go a long way), popped back to retrieve it. As soon as she walked through the doorway, she saw Sirius snogging – and perhaps soon-to-be more-than-snogging – Siobhan, a Gryffindor girl who had just started sixth-year. They both seemed quite lost in the moment and Lily quietly made her escape and said nothing. Later that night, she learned that the Marauders had a highly-refined system: the Puddlemore United poster that hung on their door (which Lily had never given a second thought) would transform into a Holyhead Harpies poster when a girl was in the room. Fortunately, Lily usually had a sense of where James was most of the time these days – otherwise, she would never be able to see that poster and not imagine James on the other side of the door.
Watching another couple snog under what they thought was a veil of privacy had been an unusual encounter. Lily had seen couples snogging at parties here and there, but this was quite a bit different – they were horizontal, they were in a bed, it was one of her best friends,clothing seemed to be very much optional, and the pair of them seemed much more consumed by their desire than anything Lily had imagined. However, the strange feeling that encounter had engendered actually paled in comparison to how Lily was starting to feel when she talked to her female friends. After all, the Marauders had been bragging about their various conquests for some time, but Lily had known her roommates since they were pre-pubescent. At this juncture, they seemed to still be toying with the idea of sex and dating, but Lily could tell that they were standing on a precipice. Mary had spent much of the year flirting with a Ravenclaw boy who she knew through her family and Lily was willing to bet that the two would be dating by Christmas. Marlene had disavowed dating for the time being, but had been increasingly open about hooking up with various boys, and even expressed interest in the occasional girl. Alice remained quite reserved about the whole matter, but Lily could tell by her rapt attention when either of the other two were talking that she was deeply interested in both dating and sex – it was just a matter of time. Seeing her own friends date was surreal. Even though Lily had never been in a relationship (not counting Elroy... and Lily never counted Elroy), she had still felt leaps and bounds ahead of her friends for emotionally committing to one boy for the last three years. Now, she was beginning to feel as though they were leaving her behind.
Despite her reservations, Lily soon found herself sitting in the Three Broomsticks with three Marauders who were barely trying to conceal their espionage. Sirius had actually attempted to cast a charm to allow them to eavesdrop on Peter's conversation from across the room, but Lily convinced him that was an invasion of his privacy. So they settled for reading body language. Looking at the nervous adolescent boy on display before her, Lily chided herself for ever taking the Marauders' comments about women and sexual conquests seriously. Peter looked as though he had scarcely had a conversation with a girl for more than a few minutes, let alone have collected the courage to kiss one of them. It was truthfully quite cute, in its own way.
As if on cue, the girl Peter was with (Jennifer – a pretty, but shy Hufflepuff in fifth year) reached across the table for his hand. As Peter complied, Sirius and Remus cheered loudly. Peter flinched and glared in their direction as a blush crept over his face. As if acting on reflex, Lily charmed their table cloth to elongate and stand on edge, thus obscuring Peter's date from view. All of the Marauders started booing loudly, so she added a muffling charm as well.
"Lily Gertrude Evans," James said accusatorily.
"James Atticus Potter," Lily responded, in an equally indignant manner.
"That's... not correct," Remus pointed out, bemused.
Sirius sighed melodramatically. "They don't know each other's middle names, so they just take turns guessing. They think it's hilarious." After a few sincere guesses, they had quickly devolved to picking the most horrendous names they could think of. James seemed to have an endless stream of names that rolled off his tongue with no effort; Lily on the other hand, actually spent time every night thinking about ideas as she fell asleep (though she would never admit it).
Remus cocked an eyebrow. "Should I just tell them?"
James gasped. "You know her middle name?"
Remus chuckled. "I sure do." Lily didn't remember ever telling him... but then again, she never viewed it as a secret prior to a few months ago.
"And you didn't tell your best friend?"
"Who said you were my best friend?"
"Obviously I'm your best friend. Now spill."
Lily raised her hand, intending to point her finger at Remus; however, she was still holding her wand, causing it to look exceedingly threatening. "Don't you dare," she ordered.
Remus raised his hands in surrender. "I'll never betray you... Lily Elizabeth." James looked like he was going to jump right out of his skin in excitement. He deflated comically when Remus pointed out that he had produced a fake name.
"Alright, Pidg. You've ruined all the fun," James said remorsefully. Then he tapped his hands down and turned to look at Lily. "Shall we?"
"Where are you two off to?" Remus asked.
James sighed. "I need new glasses," he said, clearly disappointed that his eyes had betrayed him and created the need for a new errand. The two of them started to stand up.
"And Lily's coming with you?" Sirius questioned. Lily could tell he was trying to hide his amusement.
"Of course," James replied, slinging an arm over her shoulder. "I need someone to help me pick out new frames. Who better than Pigeon?"
The two of them headed for the exit, but Lily realized she had left her sweater behind at the booth. She went back to retrieve it and waved a second goodbye to the boys. As she left once again, she heard Remus ask of Sirius: "Does James even know what he's doing at this point?"
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
A few days later, Sirius was walking Lily to the dungeons so that she could hand in an extra-credit assignment to Slughorn. "I thought you were going to do less schoolwork this year," Sirius remarked.
"Yes, but this was nothing. I make pepperup potions all the time," Lily reminded him, shaking her vile. "All I had to do was grab the one I brewed last week and spend ten minutes writing up the theory. I'd be a fool not to do it."
The rest of the conversation gave way to a quick skirmish in the hallway as a much younger student who Lily didn't recognize shot a few hexes her way. Lily cast a quick 'protego' and ducked into Slughorn's office. She returned a few minutes later to see Sirius looking very self-satisfied.
"What has gotten into people?" Lily asked in amazement. "How are they so emboldened?"
"It's happening like this on the streets," Sirius complained bitterly. He was tensing a fist. "Makes people think they can get away with anything."
"But what was he – 12?" Lily guessed. "He shouldn't even know those hexes. He should be reviewing 'wingardium leviosa.'
"Oh, look at you," Sirius said loftily. They started up a flight of stairs with a view of heading to supper. "Judging tiny second-years for being too young."
"I am an upper year now," she replied, as though that were a great accomplishment.
"And yet—" he started, but stopped. They had just rounded a corner and saw a swarm of students crowded outside the Great Hall. Lily and Sirius looked at each other, but neither had an explanation. Lily pushed her way through her fellow students until she reached the front of the crowd. The doors were shut and a few prefects stood in front, trying to manage the student body's expectations.
"Frank," Lily cried with a wave. He came over to her. "What's going on?"
He leaned in, resigned. "I'm not supposed to say anything. But there was... an incident," Frank told her in a hushed voice. Lily stared at him, showing that she required more information. He sighed. "They found a student unconscious. They're moving him up to the hospital wing."
"Who?"
"I didn't catch the name, but a first-year in Ravenclaw."
Lily paused, unsure of whether or not she should ask the one question she wanted to know. "Was he...?" Muggle-born. Frank nodded grimly. "Fuck," Lily said simply as she brought her hands up to her face. What else was there to say? "He's okay?" she clarified after a moment.
"Madam Pomfrey seemed to recognize the spell. She looked hopeful."
"Alright." Lily moved her head back and forth to show her inner conflict. "Okay, but let's talk about the important stuff," she joked. "What's going on with our dinner?"
"They're just clearing the area. It should just be a few minutes."
Lily chuckled. "To be clear: I was joking. But good to know."
Frank smiled. "Sorry, it's been a... well, actually, it's been a month."
"I can only imagine." And she could. The number of hallway attacks had absolutely skyrocketed, meanwhile the Slytherin prefects had openly announced they were not going to police any incident involving a muggle-born student or 'blood traitor.' As a result, they stopped being scheduled for rounds and poor Alice (and the other prefects) had to pick up a lot of slack. "Hey, speaking of – where's your partner in crime?"
She watched in amusement as Frank's ears turned pink. Lily had known for years that Frank fancied Alice, but he seemed to manage this crush by largely ignoring her. His prefect appointment had made that strategy completely impossible. "She's inside," he squeaked. Lily chuckled and departed – best to stop torturing him. She made a mental note to ask Alice for further details about the Ravenclaw boy over supper.
Lily returned to Sirius and relayed this information. His response: "Merlin. Maybe you need all four of us with you in the halls these days." Lily tried to point out that she could take care of herself. She didn't sound terribly convincing. Both quickly fell into a mutual silence. Sirius, for his part, seemed to want something to do with his hands, prompting him to absentmindedly take out the map and search for the other Marauders; Lily leaned back against the wall and stared off into space for a few moments as she waited for supper. She could hear voices all around her speculating wildly as to what had happened in the Great Hall – she heard theories ranging from Peeves to an out-and-out Death Eater Attack.
"Hey." Lily's head whipped around at the figure who was standing before her. She recognized the boy immediately as Amos Diggory.
"Uh, hey," she mumbled back awkwardly.
"I heard a student killed himself in there." If you ever want to see the worst of humanity, hang out in a crowd.
"Er, no. There's no way that's true." If he had said anything more innocuous, she would have played dumb and nodded along.
Amos broke into a smile. "I guess it did sound pretty unbelievable," he admitted. Lily almost felt a little uneasy standing next to him. James notwithstanding, attractive older boys typically didn't approach her for no reason. He struck her as the kind of bloke who was a little too charming – almost offputtingly so. His blond hair was styled in a very intentional way and his teeth were uncannily white and straight. Of course, his being at least a foot taller than her added to the aesthetic as well.
"Do you know what happened?" he asked.
"Uh, no," she said inelegantly. Lily was acutely aware that Sirius was listening to her incoherent mumbling and, in all likelihood, was barely containing his laughter. She was also aware that Amos was lingering far longer than she wanted him to. "Just waiting for supper, like everyone else," she added, hoping he would get the hint.
He didn't. "I'm Amos," he said proudly. "Diggory."
"I know," Lily replied in a fairly high pitch. If Amos thought it was at all unusual that she didn't introduce herself in turn, he didn't let on. "And you – you're Lily, right?" He asked after a moment. She nodded, somewhat surprised that he knew her name at all. "Are you Potter's girlfriend?"
Lily blinked a few times, trying to reign in her shock. This reaction was nothing compared to Sirius, who indeed did burst into laughter, rather like a psychiatric patient en route to an asylum. Lily attempted to pay him no mind. "Er, no," she answered. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Sirius pace away from them, trying to keep from howling.
"Really?"
"Really," she assured him.
"That's what one of my mates said. But I didn't believe him. You two really look like you're dating."
"Yes, that's actually a common misconception." It actually wasn't the first time she'd been asked as much this year.
"Did you used to date?"
"Nope." Part of her wanted to tell Amos to take his nosy self to a different side of the corridor, but it was simpler to just answer his interrogation truthfully. She did, after all, have nothing to hide.
"So, what are you to each other?"
What does it matter to you? "Really good friends?" Lily suggested with a shrug. Her patience was wearing thin.
"Are you dating anyone then?" He gave her another one of his smiles.
For a split second, Lily considered lying and saying that she was dating a muggle from her hometown – but she knew that rumours like that would only serve to put a greater target on her back. "No," she answered truthfully.
"What?" Amos asked in an exaggerated fashion, as though that were the most shocking news of the day (more shocking than when someone allegedly told you a student took his own life?). "How could such a cute bird like yourself be single?"
It was a weird moment for Lily. It was actually the first time in her life someone was openly hitting on her – though she didn't believe a single word that came out of his perfectly symmetrical mouth. The 'compliment' she was being paid was also deeply insulting. "By... not being interested in dating?" she asked pointedly.
Amos chuckled as though her dismissive remark had simply bounced right off him. "That just means you haven't met the right bloke yet," he said effortlessly. Lily groaned internally. What is taking supper so long?
"Uh-huh."
"Lily!" Sirius cried, returning to her side. "Diggory," he greeted with a nod. He wrapped an arm around Lily possessively. "Sorry for the interruption, Evans. But I need to steal you away." She obliged without so much as a goodbye. At that moment, the crowd started moving, and Sirius walked her into the hall.
Sirius didn't say a word as they started serving themselves supper – though he also couldn't stop his occasional sniggering. "It wasn't that funny," Lily complained bitterly.
He shook his head to demonstrate how wrong she was. "That was the best thing I've witnessed all year."
Fortunately, when the other Marauders joined them, the conversation focused on the attack – as it should have – and not on Lily's (lack of a) love life.
Unfortunately, Sirius proved to just be biding his time until everyone's curiosity was as sated as possible. "Well, everyone, I have some news to share," he announced happily once the conversation had died down.
"Is it something we care about for a change?" Peter asked dryly.
"Yes, very much so. It all started when I was chaperoning Lily—"
"Can you cut to the chase then?" Peter grilled. "We don't need the half-hour version."
"Fine," he grumbled. "You will never guess who I overheard hitting on our dear Lily right before summer." Everyone's interest was immediately piqued. Lily felt herself grow very warm and desperately resisted the urge to watch James' reaction beside her.
There was a moment of silence. "Are you going to tell us?" Remus questioned.
"I was waiting for Lily to offer a meager objection."
"He wasn't hitting on me," Lily supplied. She recognized the absurdity of the objection – she had, after all, readily described the experience to herself in the same terms.
"Oh, he absolutely was," Sirius corrected with a devilish grin.
"That's debatable."
He promptly shushed her. "I said I wanted a meager objection. You've already obliged."
"And I said I didn't want to talk about it," Lily countered, mostly to get it on the record.
"No you didn't." Shit. That's true.
"It was tacit. And I said it with my eyes."
"Who was it, Pads?" Remus asked. His face was dancing with amusement at their conversation.
"Amos Diggory," Sirius announced proudly. James coughed. Lily looked in the opposite direction, opting for some deep breathing. She was certain James would remember Lily joking that Amos was attractive in her letters from last summer. She had just said that for a laugh, but now she was worried that James would conclude she actually fancied him
"How do you know?" Peter asked, breaking the silence. "What did he say?"
"Oh, he wanted to know... if Lily was dating anyone." He shot her a look as if to say: you owe me for that one. "Then he wanted to know why she was single. Called her cute. Suggested she just 'hadn't met the right bloke yet.'"
Embarrassment rolled over her relentlessly. No one said anything. "You see? Just normal small-talk stuff," she denied in jest. Four boys stared at her.
"Where were you for all of this?" James asked Sirius.
"Laughing my arse off in the background," he answered accurately.
"It wasn't that funny!" Lily repeated, quite the broken record.
"It was hysterical. Evans didn't budge at all and Diggory was not getting the message."
"He didn't actually ask her out, though, right?" James grilled. Lily felt very uncomfortable.
"He would have," Sirius answered. "He was trying to. In fact, he probably still will."
Lily cleared her throat. "Well, I see the girls are leaving," she said as casually as she could muster – which is to say, she said it quite conspicuously. Sirius and Remus snickered. "I wanted to ask Alice for some more details on the attack. So, I'll just walk back with them." She turned and fled, mentally rebranding her awkwardness as spontaneity.
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
"Do you want to know what they said after you left?" Sirius asked by way of greeting, causing Lily to regret letting him in.
"No. I left for a reason."
"I want to know," Alice said brightly. Mary and Marlene nodded eagerly behind her.
"You guys are betraying me," Lily glared at her three roommates.
"Well, as is often my fate, I will be the one to give the people what they want. After Lily left—"
"Wait," Mary interrupted. "Can you back up to what they said before she left?"
Sirius gaped. "You didn't tell them?"
"We were talking about Kyle," Lily replied.
"Who?"
"The kid in the hospital wing." She gave him a disapproving look.
"Oh. Fine. Well, anyways. Lily had a visit from a not-so-secret admirer."
"James?!" Marlene practically screamed. Then she looked at their faces. "Okay, so not James. Good gossip all the same. Who was it?"
"Diggory," Lily supplied, hoping to get this embarrassing story over and done with.
"Amos Diggory?" Mary asked, eyes wide. Lily faintly remembered her gushing about how attractive he was when they were younger.
"Yes, yes," Lily answered with a dismissive flip of her hand.
"What happened?"
"He asked her out."
"He did not," Mary insisted.
"That's correct," Lily agreed with a glare in Sirius' direction. "He didn't."
"He might as well have. I just interrupted him before the part where he asked you to Hogsmeade. Or to the nearest broom cupboard, if you know what I mean."
"Oh, we know what you mean," Marlene joked in stride.
"Can we get on with things here?" Lily asked, thoroughly vexed. "Sirius told the story over supper. I got embarrassed and left before the matter was thoroughly analysed. So now he's come here to make sure he doesn't let me off the hook."
"Accurate," Sirius beamed.
"So?" Alice asked, all smiles. "Tell us how the matter was analysed."
"Well, our boy Prongs was very intent on confirming that Diggory didn't ask you out and that you weren't interested."
"Oh? Why's that?" Alice continued. Lily was ready to curse all of her friends. She was biding her time until she could return to serene, not-over-analysing ways.
"Well, here's the kicker." Sirius reclined on Lily's bed, clearly enjoying all the attention. "He went on and on about how the two of you shouldn't date and wanted to go talk to him for you."
Marlene gasped. "Really? He got all machismo?"
"Yeah, whatever," Sirius dismissed "He probably won't. But when we asked him why he didn't want the two of you to date, he floundered." Against her better judgement, Lily became invested in the story again. "He said because Diggory's a prat – obviously–"
"Really?" Mary interrupted. Lily could tell her childhood daydreams were being crushed before her very eyes.
"Oh yeah. Big time. Anyways, he tried to reach for another reason and failed. And then he said, get this, that Diggory's too old for you."
Lily felt her heart sink. "I told you," she said to Sirius, trying to stay cool.
"Don't worry, Evans. I wouldn't come here just to break your heart." Lily waited patiently. "So, after he said that, we casually observed the obvious: that he's the same age as all of us, and actually younger than James."
"Ahh," Marlene cried, drumming her hands against her lap in suspense. "What happened next?"
"He was completely taken aback. Totally froze. Then he dropped the age thing and fell back on him being a prat."
There was considerable debate in the room over what conclusions they should draw from this. Marlene and Sirius were positively convinced that James was re-evaluating the age difference before their very eyes. Alice, on the other hand, tentatively suggested that perhaps this meant the two of them wouldn't be getting together during their school years. Mary, for her part, didn't seem to have moved past the news about Diggory. Lily was left more confused than ever, but, strangely, she didn't seem to dwell on it for particularly long – not even as long as her fellow conversationalists. Surprisingly, she thought more about the strange encounter where she was hexed in the hallway just a few hours earlier. Is it more alarming that it happened, or that I almost forgot about it? she questioned, somewhat concerned at her ability to accept the status quo. And what about that poor boy, Kyle? A muggle-born student, barely one month into his education, was almost killed, and another student started hitting on me five minutes later.
"Lily?" She looked up when Alice spoke her name.
"Hmm?"
"I asked if you were okay?"
"Oh. Yeah, I'm fine. To be honest, I'm thinking about Kyle again."
"Surely you're lying," Sirius teased.
She shook her head. "I'm actually not."
"So, what do you think about James?" Mary asked.
"Honestly?" Lily asked. She received some nods. "I have no idea." She shrugged.
"Not this again," Sirius sighed.
"I mean it," Lily replied.
"You really don't care?" Marlene questioned. "You must care."
"It's not that I don't care. Of course I care. Of course I want to be with him – I want to be with him so much it almost hurts." Lily could tell that every other teenager in her room was hanging on her every word.
"So, what then?" Marlene asked when Lily didn't continue.
Lily exhaled slowly. How to explain? "I'm just not obsessing over it right now. I love him. But I also like him as a friend. And last year when I didn't have him as a friend, I was miserable."
"But you love him," Alice repeated.
"Yes, but... if I spend my entire friendship with him freaking out and wishing for more... isn't that kind of a waste?" No one answered her semi-rhetorical question. "There's so much going on right now that's... absolutely terrible," she said. That's putting it lightly. "But I have three things that are going well for me right now."
She waited until someone caved. Sirius sighed dramatically. "I'll bite. What are those things?"
"Glad you asked," Lily said with a smile. "My friendship with James, my friendship with all of you, and..." She paused for dramatic effect. "My hair." She received boos all around. "Okay, you laugh," she said, breaking out into a chuckle. "But it has essentially taken me four years to find a way to style it that doesn't make me want to punch my reflection." Sirius rolled his eyes. The girls nodded along. "And having some degree of confidence in my appearance is nice for a change."
"Does this circle round to James?" Mary questioned with a teasing smile. "Or are you just bragging?" It donned on Lily that the way her friends talked to her was very similar to how the other Marauders talked to Sirius.
"Yes. Sheesh. Such impatience. In this kind of world..." She sighed. "I think you grab happiness wherever you can find it, in whatever form you find it in."
"And?"
"And I have three things that bring me happiness. Three! I'm not about to cross one of them off because of overthinking and second-guessing."
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
"Pigeon!" James called in the Great Hall. Lily went over to join the Marauders for breakfast. "I served you already," James told her when she approached. He had doled out eggs and fruit, just as she would have, and poured her juice and tea. She felt Sirius' eyes on her as she sat down. James and Lily had immediately resumed their prior dynamic following the brief awkwardness with Amos Diggory – though she did note that the Hufflepuff hadn't tried to approach her since.
"Oh, that's great. I actually only have a few minutes to eat," she told the group.
"You have at least half an hour before Charms." Lily smiled, finding it cute how he had her whole timetable memorized.
"Not going today," she told him as she started shovelling eggs down her throat.
"Oh? Playing truant?" Remus teased.
"Or, well, I should have said: I'm not going on time. McGonagall asked to meet with me in... oh, about twenty minutes." Lily's punctuality had really nose-dived over the past year.
"Why?" Sirius asked. He didn't sound amused at all and Lily briefly wondered if she should be concerned.
"Beats me," she answered, her mouth full of fruit. She swallowed. "I haven't tagged along for any pranks or overnight misadventures lately. So hopefully nothing disciplinary."
"Come to think of it, we haven't either," Peter commented with a frown. "If this whole N.E.W.T.s thing continues, we're going to have to change our nickname."
The morning post started arriving and Lily focused on finishing her breakfast. An owl dropped a copy of the Prophet in front of Remus and he and Sirius looked at it together. "Do I want to know?" she asked morosely.
"Nothing interesting," Remus answered. Lily suspected he was lying. James got a letter from his parents that he read loudly instead (though he oughtn't to have done so – it was unbearably boring). Peter followed suit with a marginally more interesting letter (his parents were on vacation).
"Your parents don't seem to write much, eh?" Sirius asked. He had a specific look that Lily was readily able to identify: he was inviting her to complain about Petunia.
Lily shook her head and took several gulps of tea. "I don't write them anymore either. I told them it wasn't safe." Lily drained the rest of her cup and stood up, happy for the excuse to leave. She waved goodbye and off she went. Without speaking a word, James hopped up to accompany her.
"You didn't have to chaperone me," she said with a smile.
"After what happened to that Ravenclaw boy?" Kyle.
"Yes, but that was in the evening," she joked, not wanting to dwell on it. "All the bigots are too sleepy to attack right now."
"Oh, yes. I forgot about the sleepiness factor." James held up a tapestry for her to slip under. Lily always managed to forget about this particular passageway.
"What do you think McGonagall wants to talk to me about?" Lily asked, against her better judgement. She was starting to feel quite nervous.
James paused, wracking his brain. "To give you course credit for seventh-year Muggle Studies?" he suggested jokingly.
Lily chuckled. "That must be it," she agreed.
"Are we due for another flying lesson?" James asked after a moment of silence. She suspected he was trying to distract her.
"I'd love to!" she agreed. "I think I might be able to move a metre forward or so – with a lot of hard work." At the end of her second lesson, she had still only managed the 'up' command and hovering in place.
James laughed. "You know, I think it is for the best that I learned to bike first. Otherwise I just wouldn't get it."
"Remember how patient I was?" she asked, fluttering her eyelashes as if to represent her angelic qualities as a teacher.
"Oh, you were a delight. I'm just trying to be fifty per cent as lovely."
They emerged in the Transfiguration hallway. Lily checked her watch. "Would you look at that – I'm three minutes early!" she exclaimed happily.
"That's my escort service for you." He smiled charmingly, not recognizing the double entendre. She wasn't about to enlighten him. "I know you begged me to take you and, to be honest, I'm not sure how you'll ever make it up to me, but that's a conversation for later." He was wearing the world's most adorable smirk – it matched his dashing new glasses perfectly. "For now, I'll bid you adieu." James took her hand and kissed it, as though she were a monarch. Lily gave him a sharp poke in the side, causing him to yelp.
"See you around or whatever," she said flippantly. Then she went to see her professor.
"Good morning, Ms. Evans," Professor McGonagall greeted, once she entered. "Please, have a seat." Lily obliged. "How are you doing today?"
"I'm alright," Lily said pleasantly. A fake answer for a fake question. There was a brief pause. "If you don't mind me asking, professor, why did you want to meet with me?"
"Oh yes. Well, Ms. Evans, you might know that I routinely meet with every fifth-year Gryffindor student for careers advice." Oh. Is that all? Lily was aware of these meetings, though she seemed to remember them having a bit more pomp and circumstance – and a bit less secrecy. "Usually, these meetings take place in the Spring," her professor continued significantly.
"Okay?" Lily asked more than agreed. She wasn't following.
"This year I just wanted to meet with certain students... a little earlier. You'll still have a proper advice session after the Easter holidays."
Lily almost nodded along, but something stopped her. "Certain students?" she echoed.
"Yes. And you're one of them." Lily was willing to bet she was the only one.
"Certain..." she cleared her throat. "Muggle-born students?"
The professor cleared her throat as well. "Yes," she agreed. Lily guessed she was hesitant to even utter that phrase at all. "Ms. Evans, I... Lily. I'm sorry if this is untoward. It just occurred to me that with everything that's been published in the press, you might have some concerns."
"Of course I'm concerned," Lily agreed flatly. She had a sense this meeting was not going to go in a pleasant direction.
"I want to say, for the record, that I completely disagree with the recent flurry of hiring policies." Thanks? "And let me also say, that I don't think any of them will last."
"Oh?"
"No. It's not sustainable and it's terribly inequitable. The Headmaster and I are hopeful that these policies will be reversed."
"You're hopeful?" Lily repeated numbly. It was as though she were on auto-pilot.
"Well, obviously, none of us can predict the future..." she frowned. "Have you given any thought as to what you would like to do when you leave Hogwarts?"
The rest of the conversation was hardly inspiring. The two women had run through all of Lily's prospects, which were diminishing by the day. Current options including operating a small-business (but only for muggle-born customers) and working independently as a midwife, author, or researcher. "I've heard how tremendously gifted you are at potions," Professor McGonagall had pointed out. "Store-owners and even bigger organizations are still more than welcome to source their products from independent muggle-born developers."
Uncharacteristically, Lily made direct eye contact with the head of her house. "Is that even a career?"
Lily left the meeting completely demoralized, though she thanked her professor kindly for setting out the time. McGonagall expressed optimism that their next meeting would be far brighter. Lily decided to take Remus' advice and play truant after all. She went by the kitchens, planning on having some completely un-earned mid-morning dessert, but just as she rounded the corner, she saw Sirius' brother, Regulus, going in with another Slytherin she didn't recognize. Absent any brighter ideas, she went to the nearest lavatory, but there were three Slytherin girls in there already who all shot daggers with their eyes. Frustrated, she finally gave up and went to Charms – it was easy to slip in unnoticed, as the students were already on the practical component of the class.
"Is it just me, or is half the school in Slytherin at this point?" Lily complained as she joined Alice. It was a sad day for Lily when she had to be frustrated and disappointed that their elitism had prevented her even from petty truancy.
"I know you're joking, but we were actually just talking about this at the last meeting."
"Hmm?"
"Almost 40% of the First Years were sorted into Slytherin this year."
"What?" Lily asked, shocked. She remembered thinking it seemed like a lot were headed for Slytherin, but she hadn't done the math.
Alice nodded. "And the other years used to be fairly even, but with so many students in other houses dropping out..." So many muggle-born students, you mean.
Lily groaned. "Maybe they should just make their own school."
"Now there's an idea," Alice concurred. "What did McGonagall want?" she asked, changing the subject.
"Oh, nothing," Lily answered without thinking. Alice clearly expected more information. "I made a careless mistake on my last paper," she lied. "She wanted to give me an opportunity to correct it."
"That took a long time."
"I tried to just skip Charms altogether, but it proved difficult."
"That's not like you."
Lily shrugged. "Spontaneous upper year?" Alice took the hint and dropped the subject.
Lily stumbled through the rest of the day, not truly enjoying herself until she reunited with James. The pair of them laid stretched out luxuriously on a Gryffindor couch, proof-reading each other's homework, when Remus asked her the same question as Alice. She gave the same answer. He dropped it as well.
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
"I feel like an idiot," Lily called out.
"You're doing fine!" James called back.
Lily groaned, anxiety evident despite her façade. "Sorry, what I meant to say is: I look like an idiot."
"Nonsense! You look great. Perhaps not as dashing as your teacher, but nonetheless... still great."
She did not, in fact, look great. James and Lily had taken to the Quidditch pitch for her third flying lesson. Ever wary of falling, Lily was currently flying exclusively in straight lines, roughly one metre above the ground. She was moving at the breakneck speed of, perhaps, three kilometres an hour. In any other setting, Lily might have felt positively victorious at finally managing to convince a broomstick to obey her will at all. However, this accomplishment felt exceedingly trivial in the venue where she had seen near-professional Quidditch games on numerous occasions; it was also figuratively and literally dwarfed by the massive towers and stands that stretched seemingly for kilometres overhead. Lily had donned her cutest sweats and styled her ponytail just so, but she knew none of that was detracting from her readily-apparent incompetence. "You're so full of it," she called, without daring to tear her eyes away from her trajectory.
"Love you too."
"Are we sure I can't side-sit on the broom like Sabrina the Teenage Witch?" she asked for at least the third time. Her parents had found a copy of the American comic book at a second-hand bookstore years ago and given it to Lily as a tongue-in-cheek present when she turned thirteen.
"Positive. Are you sure you don't want me to fly next to you and keep you better company?" he asked, also for the third or fourth time.
"No!" she ordered. "You know you're on wand duty." She had instructed him to magically catch her if she were to fall off.
"Do I need to remind you that you're barely even standing height off the ground? You would have to try exceedingly hard to hurt yourself."
Lily thought about pointing out that the broom could gain a mind of its own at any moment, but opted for humour instead. "Don't underestimate me, James. I'm pretty clumsy."
"Very true," he agreed with a chuckle. "But I'm here to catch you." Lily continued flying in straight lines for several minutes, at which point even she was starting to get bored (although her hands were beginning to ache from gripping the broom with all her might and she suspected her sensitive areas were getting extremely bruised). She secretly delighted when James clapped his hands together and asked: "So, are we going to try turning again today?"
Lily gave an exaggerated groan, wary of seeming too keen. "Don't use my own words against me!" He had copied her intonation from their biking lessons almost exactly.
"They were great words; what can I say?" James asked as she flew by him. He threw her a dashing smile.
With another groan, Lily embarked on the slowest, widest turn this pitch had ever seen. After an embarrassingly long amount of time, Lily was successfully facing the other direction. James gave her an appropriate amount of applause and cheers. "Did you even see that?" Lily asked as she touched down and walked over to him. "Or was it just a blur?" Her humour didn't completely disguise her nerves.
James laughed heartily. "With great effort and attention, yes, I was able to track your movements." He gave her a tight hug – what was that I was just saying about nerves?
"I don't buy it," she replied, as she reluctantly pulled back. "I think you'll have to slow down the replay." He gave her a curious look but said nothing. "I think I'm done for the day," she announced. "My adrenaline has peaked – meanwhile my pride has bottomed out."
"Well, if your adrenaline has peaked..." he said with a confident smile. Lily had already explained her usage of the word to him on more than one occasion. James walked over to her, indicated she step back over the broomstick, and got on behind her.
"What are you doing?" she asked suspiciously, even though his intentions were painfully obvious. She idly prayed that her back wasn't sweaty as she felt him curl around her. He placed his hands directly over hers.
"Your adrenaline can't rise any higher! Might as well take advantage." With that, he shot the pair of them almost straight up into the sky.
Lily couldn't help but scream. She felt as though she had left her stomach behind on the ground and was painfully aware of how little was standing between her and the cold, hard ground. "Stop,"she wailed, fully accepting that she sounded like a terrified toddler. James obliged and leveled out.
"Relax! I've got you," he said casually, as though he hadn't just attempted to catapult her straight to the sun. Lily made a strange, high-pitched, visceral sound to show that she was less than convinced. "We were barely flying," James whined in protest. Nevertheless, he slowly brought her back to the ground.
As soon as her feet touched the grassy surface of the pitch, Lily leapt of the broom and collapsed face-first into the earth. She was experiencing equal parts exhilaration and terror. "I'm going to kill you," she informed him, though it was quite muffled.
James laughed, no doubt with some quick and charming remark at the tip of his tongue. He didn't get to say it, however, as they received some unexpected company. "Potter," came the icy voice of Charles McInnis, the outspoken captain of the Slytherin Quidditch team. He had been a relatively quiet figure within Slytherin for most of his time at Hogwarts – until a few months ago, when he had seemingly become hell-bent on winning his way into earning a Dark Mark. "Get your filthy little mudblood out of the pitch. We've booked it." The contempt in his voice was so extreme that it almost made Lily wish for the day Rosier had simply referred to her as James' 'mudblood girlfriend.'
Lily slowly rolled onto her back and was able to see James clutching his wand behind his right leg. Standing behind McInnis was the rest of the Slytherin team. Lily didn't always have excellent situational awareness, but she could sure as hell see trouble when it was staring her right in the face. "Okay," she said meekly as she propped herself up. "You guys are being very subtle," she joked awkwardly, "But I think I can tell when I'm not wanted." No one seemed to pay her much mind. James was now up in McInnis's face and, from what Lily can tell, was using it as an excuse to insult their Quidditch tactics.
"Glad to see you rolling around in the dirt where you belong," a blonde girl said to Lily while the boys kept arguing. "But I can't help but wonder – why haven't you run off to hide with your muggle parents like the rest of the half-breeds?" Lily didn't have a sarcastic retort. Instead, she got to her feet and made to leave. The blonde was not deterred. "I guess it doesn't really bother you that they're sitting ducks," she huffed. "Maybe you'll come and thank us once we've taken care of them."
"James," Lily said simply, trying to maintain her composure. He was quite caught up at this point and seemed remiss to leave before he had dispensed the full gamut of his insults. At her wit's end, Lily simply turned away.
"Your mudblood wench is leaving without you," McInnis spat. Out of the corner of her eye, Lily watched James throw a punch. She gasped softly and looked to make sure he wasn't about to be the victim of a retaliatory attack. However, while most of Slytherins were staring at James and McInnis, a couple of them were eying Lily.
"James, let's just go," she said, backing up slowly. McInnis took a swing at James but he deftly dodged. Lily decided to cut her losses and started taking a brisk walk back. After only ten or so paces, she was hit with a spell she quickly recognized as a slug-vomiting curse. She fell to her knees and started retching almost immediately. Self-preservation fell to the wayside as she became consumed solely with the positively vile sensation of wiggling slugs being forcibly expelled from her oesophagus. This turned out to be extremely unfortunate. Amidst all the action, someone was able to utter 'crucio' in relative secrecy.
In a single instant, Lily was consumed head-to-toe with the most excruciating pain she could imagine – enough to make her wish to return to vomiting live slugs. Every limb felt as though it was violently trying to extricate itself from her body. Far away, she heard a terrifying, ear-piecing shriek, but she was too incapacitated to respond. The pain left her body after what felt like a lifetime, but she continued to lie on the ground like a sad sack of bones, experiencing electric echoes and reverberations. She felt someone pick her up; she assumed it was James.
Lily felt, more than heard, James cry her name and forced her eyes open. She gave him a blank stare. "I asked if I could sit you on a broom." She nodded; her body was slowly coming back to life. "Accio Lily's broom." A moment later, he was cradling her once again and flew her straight to his dorm.
"Prongs! Fancy seeing – oh."
"Peter, can you clear my bed?"
Lily felt herself get lowered on to a soft surface – yet it still felt like being tossed into a pit of nails.
"Lily," Sirius said forcefully. I must look bad if he's using my first name. She felt his weight join her on the bed. "What happened?"
"Nothing," she whispered, eyes closed. The pain was slowly subsiding but it was quickly replaced with intense nausea. She wasn't interested in relaying her embarrassing tale.
"The cruciatus curse," James corrected.
"What?" Sirius cried. Before anything more could be said on the subject, Lily's body, of its own accord, rolled over the edge of the bed so that she could vomit. She felt four or five slugs force their way out of her mouth.
"And a slug-eating curse," James added, stating the obvious.
"I'm sorry," Lily squeaked, wiping the edges of her mouth. Even in her state, she was mildly mortified that these boys were watching this repugnant display.
"I have some treacle fudge!" Peter called excitedly, clearly happy to be presented with a fixable problem. He started rummaging around in his chest.
"My hero," Lily whispered as he put it in her hand. She was so nauseous that she almost wasn't going to eat it until Sirius physically pushed her hand into her mouth. Quite quickly, her symptoms abated.
"What happened?" Sirius asked more calmly.
"Shit. It was all my fault," James muttered, as though the question had broken the momentary satisfaction of seeing Lily in less pain. "I'm so sorry Pigeon." It was perhaps the most tender sentiment anyone had ever expressed to Lily.
"How was it your fault, exactly?" Sirius questioned.
"You know James," Lily said slowly but wryly. "Always practicing his torturing on the worst targets."
"Glad you're feeling better, Evans. Anyone want to tell me the actual story?"
James sighed. "I was giving Pidg a flying lesson–"
"How was she?"
"Amazing. A prodigy."
"Sounds believable."
"Anyways, the Slytherin team was early to practice. McInnis was being an arsehole, as usual, and we got in an argument. Lily wanted to leave, but I was royally pissed. It turned into a bit of a fistfight."
"I noticed your hand."
"You should see the other guy."
"I'm assuming he has a shiner."
"Fair enough. Anyways, I didn't listen to Lily and while I was defending my ego, someone on the sidelines must have taken it out on her."
"With an unforgiveable curse?"
"Evidently."
"Who was it?" Sirius turned to look at Lily.
"I have no idea," she replied.
"Why not?"
"I was doubled over on the ground vomiting live slugs. Which I had naïvely assumed was going to be the worst thing that happened to me today."
"Who made you eat slugs?"
Lily shrugged. "Didn't see that either."
"Why not?" he repeated.
"I was walking away." Sirius cursed loudly and started pacing back and forth complaining about gits who would curse unarmed birds who were actively retreating.
"Are you going to report it?" Peter asked.
"No," Lily answered fiercely. She didn't suspect he was even asking her, as opposed to James, but she answered all the same.
"Why not?"
"It wasn't that bad," Lily replied absurdly. She wasn't about to share the comment about her family if she didn't have to.
Sirius stopped his pacing as a scoff escaped his lips. "Classic Evans: deny everything for no apparent reason. At least I know they left your brain intact."
"Lily," James said, covering his face again. "Your scream was the worst sound I've ever heard in my life." Oh. That was me.
"We don't even know who cast it. Plus, it must have only been a few seconds or I wouldn't feel – wait, what happened after it was cast anyway?"
"Whoever it was stopped quickly after you screamed. I guess they're not quite brazen enough to take responsibility. Bunch of fucking cowards." He started cursing as well. "I'm sorry, Pidg. We should have just left." If the severity of her torment had increased ten-fold since that day she and James had sat outside charming a flower for Petunia, at least James' maturity level had as well.
"It's okay."
"It's not okay."
"I know."
After several more minutes of conversation – which Lily only minimally followed – Peter and Sirius took their leave. James came and sat on his bed with Lily and encouraged her to lie with her head in his lap. He gently started stroking her hair, pushing some of the tendrils behind her ear. "I don't feel that terrible anymore," Lily remarked, even though every instinct in her body was encouraging her to play up her suffering so that she could lap up more of this tender love and care. "You don't have to cradle me or fawn over me."
"You were tortured today because I was being a prat," James replied. "Fawning over you is, quite literally, the least I can do."
Those were the last words they spoke on the subject. But they did spend an hour or so in that position, discussing the summer, their biking and flying journeys, possible pranks, and any other topic that came to mind. Lily tried her very best to savour every moment of it so that she could vividly recollect it as needed in the future. Lying in James' lap was probably the closest thing to heaven she would ever experience.
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
One of the many changes to come about after Lily's incident in the pitch was that there was mounting pressure from the Marauders for Lily to perfect her Patronus. All of them claimed it stemmed from a burning desire to give her an animal-inspired nickname, but it was painfully obvious that they wanted her to be able to send them a message in a pinch. Lily couldn't truly object; it was obviously the prudent thing to do. However, when the boys stated they were going to give her lessons, she extended the invite to her female friends and also asked that they review a few other defensive spells. After all, shouldn't they all learn how to protect themselves?
And so, the eight of them formed some sort of impromptu club, taking over the Gryffindor common room after students went to bed on weekend nights (and occasionally during the week as well). At first, Lily felt lofty and superior, as she could at least produce a non-corporeal Patronus, whereas the other girls had never attempted the spell. However, after several sessions, the other girls had more than caught up, but Lily, if anything, had regressed. She increasingly found herself producing only silvery wisps, if anything at all. Although she enjoyed the quality time with all of her friends in one place, she could feel herself starting to get frustrated at the beginning of all these sessions.
"I don't get it, Lily," Peter told her one night. "You're great at charms. Why is this one so difficult for you?"
"We must not be making her happy enough!" James cried melodramatically.
"Or she's scared about what form it will take," Sirius suggested, amusement playing out over his face.
"Oh, I'm positive it's going to be something exceedingly lame," Lily assured him. "I've long since accepted that."
"Like what?" Mary asked, intrigued.
Lily shrugged. "A fly? A goldfish? Or something with crazy hair..." she thought for a second. "An orangutan! It's definitely going to be an orangutan." Sirius made a sound of disbelief.
"Perhaps you're not selecting a powerful enough memory?" Remus suggested. She dismissed this at once – and told him as much. She was able to produce an incorporeal Patronus before by reliving the day she got into Hogwarts, so there was no reason for it to be failing her now.
Nevertheless, as the weeks drew on, and Lily introspected, she began to suspect that Remus was onto something. Every time she tried a memory of her family, after all, she did feel something strange that was hard to place. Much to her dismay, she eventually realized that this feeling was an unshakable sense of dread. Consequently, she started to branch out and consider other memories.
The first one of the girls to master their fully-fledged Patronus was Alice. Lily watched, completely mesmerised as a gorgeous – and very happy – dolphin materialized from her wand and swam about the room. Everyone cheered and Lily was no exception.
"What memory did you pick?" Mary asked keenly.
"Easy," Alice answered. "This summer, when my parents and I found out I was made prefect." Lily couldn't help but compare to her own life. She did remember how happy her mother was when she brought home her report card from summer school; she also remembered how frustrated Petunia became at the disparity in attention. Then Lily started dwelling on how long it had been since she had heard from any of them. Nope. That's not going to work.
Lily tried using more recent memories of her friends: sitting around, joking, riding the train, drinking her love potion. Some of them allowed her to produce her usual, incorporeal Patronus, but nothing further. Infuriatingly, Lily found that many of her recent memories gave way to thinking about what happened in the Quidditch pitch – and how terrified and helpless she was. These efforts usually ended in her groaning in frustration and stomping off to bed.
The next one to betray her (so to speak) was Marlene. Lily had closed her eyes to concentrate on a different memory, and when she opened them, she saw the most stunning fox. Marlene seemed very satisfied with her animal. "What memory did the trick, Marls?" asked Alice.
Marlene shrugged. "Getting sorted into Gryffindor. Tried and true." Indeed, Lily had tried that, but had no such luck. As a muggle-born student, she hadn't had her sights set on any particular house and, more pressingly, had been anxious to have the entire student body watching her.
"Have you tried thinking of Prongs?" Sirius whispered in her ear. Lily yelped. Then she nodded. She wasn't sure why none of those memories worked. Perhaps it was because she knew everyone would ask her what memory she used and she wanted it to be... above-board. She had envisioned the two of them walking down the Champs-Élysées (who could argue with that choice?), but it hadn't worked at all. She supposed the amount of energy she focused on framing the memory as platonic and benign might have had something to do with it.
"Don't worry, Lily," Mary had reassured during a dull moment in Potions the next day. "Lots of great witches and wizards don't have a corporeal Patronus." Lily nodded. "Even Remus doesn't have one," she reminded her. Lily knew, of course, that Remus chose not to cast his, but she played along all the same.
One night in November, Lily had slipped away from the group to go upstairs and take a breather. When she started down the staircase, she saw a calico cat pawing at the chesterfield. She sighed and walked down the rest of the stairs as the cat faded away. "Et tu, Brute?" she asked Mary sadly.
Mary might not have understood the expression, but she certainly understood her tone of voice. "I'm sorry, Lily."
"Don't be. That's amazing." Lily forced a smile. She was happy for her friend. But that didn't mean it didn't sting.
"We can keep practicing until you get it, though," Mary said reassuringly.
Lily shook her head. "I think I'm a lost cause," she announced, admitting defeat. "There's only so much a gal can take."
"Maybe step away from it for a few weeks," James suggested. "You might just be too frustrated to get in the right headspace."
Lily agreed – it was, after all, a sound suggestion. James spent the rest of the evening trying to cheer her up by devising increasingly ridiculous ways to prompt 'the ultimate happy memory.' His suggestions ranged from proposing to Professor McGonagall to stripping in the middle of Muggle Studies. Sirius pitched a more elaborate, targeted idea: they would play parlour games for Lily's birthday and he would engineer things so that she and James could have Seven Minutes in Heaven. Mary and Marlene overheard this idea and offered to inspire Lily's Patronus by tying up Sirius in a closet and giving her seven minutes of peace and quiet. Lily listened patiently to all these ideas and more (Alice, Remus, and Peter had to offer their contributions as well) and she laughed good-naturedly at each one. She also smiled sincerely at James' promise a few days later that he would keep trying with her for 'as long it takes – be it a week or my life.' But she couldn't help but wonder if the world would do her the favour of getting happier in the meantime.
OooooOooooOooooOooooO
Author's Note: Alright, so to be honest, I've been debating whether or not James would end up as Head Boy since... chapter ONE. Someone asked this lovely question on tumblr and I got some **truly great** answers from people on both sides (which is actually amazing – I really love that you all have different opinions on James and want different things for their relationship). I went back and forth many times, because I could truthfully envision writing either option. In the end, I decided that this was truer to their characters. So... I shall endeavour to explain.
Why isn't James Head Boy? 1) Although James has certainly matured over the years, he hasn't had the same sort of redemption arc as in cannon; 2) I have a theory that Dumbledore really preferred the combination of James/Lily as Head Boy/Head Girl, rather than either of them individually; and 3) without a need to impress Lily or prove himself as changed/responsible, I don't think that James would even want/enjoy this title (not to suggest that Dumbledore simply picks the person who WANTS to be Head Boy, but I also doubt he'd pick someone who would hate it).
Why isn't Lily a prefect? In a way this one was easier... My version of Lily is fairly timid and reserved and, even though she's responsible, I don't think she would want or excel at a position of authority over other students. For both James and Lily, I think they would view these extra duties as eating up their limited time with one another... and from a writing perspective, I also figured this arrangement would be the most likely to keep this fic in the 'story' category, rather than the 'epic/tome' category.
Incidentally, if anyone is interested in writing an AU for my AU where James and Lily do become Head Boy and Prefect, I would absolutely read that, because I was very conflicted and I do still think it could work very well.
I split this chapter in two because it was growing so long, so hopefully I'll catch you all soon with the second half! Stay safe until then!
