Lack of Privacy
Rated: T
Fandom: Fire Emblem (Mostly Fire Emblem Three Houses)
Characters: Byleth Eisner (M), Dorothea Arnault, and too much to probably list here for some reason. LOL
Genre: Romance/Humor
Pairing: Byleth Eisner (M)/Dorothea Arnault
Summary: Byleth and Dorothea are having a romantic evening all to themselves, but for some reason, they're having a grim feeling that they're being watched for some reason. As if they're not alone. Will they ever get the privacy that they need?
Disclaimer: Yeah, you all know by now. I don't own anything Fire Emblem: Three House related, and I never will be. All of it is owned by Koei Tecmo, Intelligent Systems and Nintendo, and that's all everyone needs to know. Since I'm bummed that Bylethea Week 2021 is come and gone, I might as well do a Bylethea fic anyway since I feel like it's Bylethea Week all day and every single day in my mind. So enjoy some sweet hilarious M-Byleth/Dorothea on this Friday afternoon everyone!
P.S.: If anyone wants to know, this takes place post-timeskip and is set after the Silver Snow route in which both Byleth and Dorothea are married. And for some reason, this one will probably be written as if it was written like a sitcom (LOL). Okay, enough explanations. On with the fluff fic.
The sound of a cork popping off thanks to a crankshaft was heard inside the archbishop's room, which was soon followed by a stream of red wine pouring from the bottle and down toward two chalices that filled right to the top flawlessly. It wouldn't be long before an unknown male soon reached the chalice straight to his lips, thereby tasting a little bit of the wine to make sure the drink was perfect right off to bat. However, this wasn't no ordinary male.
This male went by the name of Byleth Eisner, who had now become the new archbishop of Fodlan after succeeding Lady Rhea. He knew that it wasn't easy having to lead an entire land all to himself, but he knew that with the help of the Black Eagles themselves alongside the rest of the crew that he recruited throughout this entire war, it was gonna be quite alright for him after all. But right now was one of those nights where he could calm himself down after a day of work and rebuilding Fodlan one at a time due to the damage it was caused from this final war. Better yet, Byleth found himself being comforted by the sight of snow falling from the night sky, blanketing the entire town and Garreg Mach monastery into nothing more than a winter wonderland. It was quite majestic and peaceful to see from the comfort of his own bedroom.
"This is bliss..." He thought to himself as he continued to be blessed by the snowy evening sky.
That sight would last for at least a few single minutes before he heard a woman's voice come from far away, "Darling, you there?"
"Yeah, I'm here!" Byleth said, shouting over to the woman that talked to him.
He soon got off his chair with both chalices in hand just in time to see her newly-crowned Queen and wife, Dorothea Arnault, enter the room looking quite stunning. That of course wouldn't be compared to the attire Dorothea had on display. She was dressed in a red skin-tight nightgown that hugged her breathless curves from head to toe along with the smooth reddish-black leggings that immediately made Byleth stand still in a heartbeat (even though he was born without no heartbeat). There was no doubt about it. Dorothea was simply that beautiful. Of course, that wasn't the main reason why Byleth fallen in love with her.
It wasn't because of her voice or her beauty or fame. He had fallen in love with her all because of how strong her heart was and how Dorothea was willing to open it to her husband. No doubt that one single fact made Byleth smile around his lips like he was doing now once he saw Dorothea in that breathtaking lingerie.
"So darling, what do you think?" The songstress said, twirling her entire nightwear around.
Byleth took in a relaxed smirk before saying to her, "You look just so beautiful like the day I finally married you."
"Just as I expected." Dorothea said with a blush and giggle in between. She then noticed the wine bottle sitting beside Byleth as she replied, "You got the wine ready?"
"I have," The archbishop nodded, "Just been waiting for you to be here so we can enjoy our evening."
The mystical songstress immediately rested on the bed with a smirk, "Oooh, I love the way your mind works."
Byleth immediately wasted no time grabbing the wine bottle to pour inside the second goblet, filling it all the way to the top while his wife continued to breathe in the amazing strawberry incense that filled all throughout their bedroom. The emerald-haired archbishop then grabbed the goblets and sent them over bedside where Dorothea found herself licking her lips at this scrumptious sight. She probably couldn't tell if it was either her handsome husband or the wine he was holding, though.
"Here you go." Byleth replied before lending her a wine-filled goblet, which Dorothea happily took from his hands.
"Thank you so much." The songstress smiled as she toasted her glass to him and said, "To us?"
"To us." Byleth nodded, toasting his goblet right back to her.
The two wasted no time drinking their wine-filled goblet right away with such perfect patience, obviously getting used to the thick creamy taste of the rich alcohol itself. Well, mostly in Dorothea's part since she wanted to relish in that delicious cherry flavor one at a time. Either way, she felt a hint of delight and satisfaction coming right through her lips.
"I'm so glad you thought of this all by yourself, my dear." Dorothea said with excited glee, "I don't know how you can make this night even more magical for me."
Byleth looked right into her eyes and spoke deeply, "Well, I have a suggestion myself…"
The songstress looked deeply right into his eyes herself before Byleth closed in and enchanted Dorothea with a tender kiss around her lips. That of course would soon turn passionate for the both of them when Dorothea suddenly found herself comfortably pinned by Byleth's entire arms and felt his head cock back to the side, deepening the kiss between them. This immediately left Dorothea breathless for more, which luckily Byleth managed to oblige by using his lips to leave hot searing kisses down her neck in response.
"Oh, Byleth…" The songstress said with such a passionate sigh escaping her lips.
This romantic evening appeared to go great in their favor when suddenly…
"Achoo!"
Someone had sneezed in the room, leaving Byleth and Dorothea to stop what they were doing.
"Hey honey, why did you stop?" She said to the archbishop.
Byleth said with an unsure shrug, "I don't know, but I think I just heard the sound of someone sneezing."
"Are you sure?" Dorothea asked him with a raised eyebrow.
"I think so," Byleth nodded, "Maybe we're just hearing things, I guess."
"I think you're right." She nodded back to her husband, all before she continued their uninterrupted makeout session.
Byleth looked to make this more than a makeout session though as his hands looked to move way down Dorothea's satin-covered spine. He looked to search for a grab when suddenly…
*RUMBLE!*
The sound of a stomach rumbling was heard somewhere under the couple's bed, leaving Byleth to stop the make out session once more.
"Um, Dory?" The archbishop asked.
"Yes, honey?" The songstress replied back.
Byleth then asked her with a raised eyebrow, "Is your stomach rumbling?"
"No, I'm pretty sure I ate something a long time ago, so I'm certain it's nothing, darling." Dorothea said, shaking her head right away.
"Yeah, I'm definitely hearing things for sure." Byleth nodded before he went down to kiss her again.
The kiss would unfortunately last a few seconds between them when all of a sudden…
"Ah, I got a leg cramp…!"
"Shut up, you want the archbishop hearing you?"
This time, Byleth broke off the kiss between him and Dorothea only to find out that the voices were hearing were coming out of the big red window curtains themselves. No doubt that Byleth was no longer hearing the voices in his head. He and Dorothea were now hearing those voices coming inside the privacy of their own bedroom. Somehow, this annoyed and agitated Byleth to the point where he legitimately got off the bed and stretched for a bit.
"Something wrong, dear?" Dorothea said to him out of concern.
"Oh, nothing." Byleth shrugged out of mocked boredom, "I just realized there was a cold draft in this room. I better go close the curtains before we somehow freeze to death."
It wasn't long before Byleth got out of bed and approached the big red curtain that was closely attached to the window. The archbishop of Fodlan soon got a hold of the curtain and swept it over to the right…
…
…
...revealing it to see Felix and Ashe standing behind the curtain all this time!
"What the heck are you two doing in our room?" Byleth spoke to the two looking all frustrated.
Felix and Ashe suddenly looked at each other in fear before pointing to the closet door and shouting, "IT WAS ALL FERDINAND'S IDEA!"
"Oh, way to blow it, Ashe!" Ferdinand said through the closet door.
Looking pretty annoyed by this situation herself as well, Dorothea shouted over to the closet, "Ferdie, come on out of there!"
Knowing that the jig was literally up for him, Ferdinand opened up the closet door and entered out with his face and neck covered in lip marks, his regal attire ratted up a little in two and his long auburn hair looking quite messier than ever. Both Byleth and Dorothea looked to be pretty disturbed by the lip marks around him though on the other side, knowing why Ferdinand Von Aegir himself was hiding in the closet in the first place.
"Ferdinand, what were you doing in the closet in the first place?" Byleth asked him a bit sternly.
Ferdinand immediately replied with a shrug before pointing to the closet door, "I don't know, but you really oughta think about cleaning your closet more often next time. It's kinda dusty inside there."
Somehow, all of a sudden, Constance Von Nuvelle was let out of the closet herself unexpectedly as well, leaving some of her hair ratted out in the process alongside her clothes being straight out messy thanks to the handprints Ferdinand left all around it. Byleth and Dorothea were once again annoyed and ticked off as usual, but they thankfully didn't reply though as the head of House Nuvelle managed to speak up on behalf.
"Ferdinand, I don't know what you were thinking choosing the archbishop's closet as a good makeout spot!" Constance said to Ferdinand in a demanding tone, "You know dusty places are so unhealthy for a graceful woman like thee."
Ferdinand then proceeded to turn his head towards Constance with a shrug and a smirk, "I don't know what I was thinking either. But at least the feeling of your passionate kiss made it worth past the dust I was inhaling."
"Kiss nothing!" Felix scoffed towards Ferdinand, "I thought we were gonna see Byleth get it on with his wife!"
Ashe then pointed out to his leg, "Is anyone gonna talk about my leg cramping up?"
This constant babbling between Felix, Ashe, Ferdinand and Constance looked to be enough for Byleth to immediately lose his cool and snap at his own teammates.
"You know what, everybody? I don't even want to know WHY all of you were in my room to even begin with!" The archbishop rolled his eyes crazily before marching towards the door in frustration, "All I want to know is that I kindly ask you to leave my room so that me and Dorothea can AT LEAST have a romantic evening to ourselves without each and every single one of you acting like creepy stalkers!"
Byleth proceeded to open the bedroom door in order to escort his teammates out. But as he did though…
…
…
...he was shocked to see Bernadetta, Annette, Lysithea, Linhardt, Lorenz and Marianne standing at the door way with their ears lended to the door itself!
The emerald-haired archbishop rolled his eyes in annoyance before shouting out to the five, "Oh my god, you six already?"
The six who immediately snuck right behind the door looked right at each other in fear before they pointed out, "IT WAS FERDINAND'S IDEA!"
"Oh sure, always blame it on the noble himself!" Ferdinand said, rolling his eyes.
Not taking this madness anymore, a frustrated Byleth pointed to the door and shouted, " Look, I don't care who's fault it is, I want everyone out of here now so that me and my wife can have a moment to ourselves!"
His loud booming voice was more than enough to make everyone leave the archbishop's room entirely, which they eventually did much to Byleth and Dorothea's relief.
But before Ferdinand could leave though, he quickly turned to Byleth and smiled, "By the way, we still up for tea after training?"
Before the archbishop could answer though, Dorothea immediately butted in by throwing one of her high-heeled shoes right at Ferdinand, who quickly managed to dodge in time right by a hair.
"Okay okay, I'm going already!" Ferdie said backing off to Dorothea before finally being the last one to leave out of the bedroom.
Byleth immediately closed the door behind the regal noble, which finally made him breathe a sigh of relief before looking back to Dorothea with a charming smile on his face.
"Well, we finally took care of that problem." The archbishop replied.
"Indeed, we did." Dorothea nodded back before caressing her own leg teasingly, "Now where were we?"
"I think I know where…" Byleth winked as he approached her head-on.
With no one to interrupt them at all, the two fateful lovers continued making out much to their pleasure. There was not even one peep to make all except for the passionate sounds both Byleth and Dorothea were exchanging to each other. So far, there was finally peace for the both of them.
That was all good for a minute though when all of a sudden…
*RUMBLE!*
The sound of a stomach rumbled once more, bothering Byleth yet again to where he broke off the kiss.
"Um, Dorothea? Is your stomach okay?" He said, raising his eyebrow.
"Honey, that wasn't exactly me." Dorothea shook his head, "I think it's coming from under the bed."
Realizing the sound of a rumbling stomach was coming from under the bed after all this time made it more than enough for both Byleth and Dorothea to angrily shout out three simple words:
"RAPHAEL, GO HOME!"
And then all of a sudden, Raphael Kirsten emerged from under the bed with a bucket of chicken in his hands. Not to mention the fact that he was munching on a chicken leg in the process, which made his mouth entirely full in the process.
"How did you know I was under the bed?" Raphael said with a chicken bone in his mouth, which resulted in both Byleth and Dorothea giving him a death glare in exchange. He then felt his stomach rumble once more, which would realize why he was the one hiding under the bed in the first place. He immediately saw the death stare ridden on the couple's faces, which forced him to reply, "Yeah, bad time to ask. I'll leave now."
It wasn't long before Raphael quickly rushed out of the bedroom and shut the door behind him. All the interruptions that both Byleth and Dorothea had throughout the night forced the archbishop to somehow palm his own forehead in frustration. No doubt all of this was giving Byleth a major headache.
"Darling, why was Raphael eating fried chicken under our bed?" Dorothea asked her husband.
"I don't know, and I don't want to care," Byleth muttered out before saying with a groan, "All I know is that I'm locking the door next time…"
Oh man, Bylethea definitely couldn't get a break. Those teammates of theirs definitely had to ruin the good stuff. LOL
So what did everyone think so far? If you want to see more of this couple, just let me know right in the comments, and I'll do whatever I can satisfy your Bylethea-loving heart, ladies and gents. So until then dudes, be safe and stay cool. ;)
